I caught him texting someone else. My heart is in bits.

[charlesdontyouevercrave]

I’ve read so many of these on here but never thought I’d be writing one myself. On Friday I caught my boyfriend of three years texting another woman. The content of the texts was innocent enough but he was doing it in secret, on his old phone. When I caught him he told me he had wanted to leave me for a month but didn’t know how to tell me. This has come completely out of the blue. There was no sign that he was unhappy. We were trying for a baby, (in fact the last time we had sex he asked me shouldn’t we be doing it more than once a day, to increase our chances). Why would you try for a baby with someone you secretly wanted to leave?

I left my phone with my sister that night. The next day I had 54 messages: all variants on ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, let’s work it out’. I cracked and text him back but when I did, I got the feeling he wasn’t actually that interested in talking to me. So I blocked him. Two days later he emailed me saying he knew I’d blocked him but he needed to see me. I said I didn’t want to and asked him what it was he wanted to say. He told me he’d changed his mind again and didn’t want me back after all. I can’t see the point of this, given that we had already broken up. It’s not as if I was pestering him. It feels like he is deliberately trying to hurt me.

I worked at his business, so I am now out of a job. I am 38 next week so this was definitely my last chance to have children. I adored him. I never thought he would do this. No one did. Everyone I have told is gobsmacked. We had a great relationship. He was my best friend. I cannot understand why he’s done this or his behaviour since. Sorry for the essay and thanks if you’re still reading.

It’s so true. My brother in law can be a bit of a selfish tit sometimes and my ex LOVED being the goody goody compared to him. Loved that my mum loved him. Loved my nieces loved him. A lot of his texts since Friday are concerned with my family and friends hating him and thinking he’s a cunt now (which they do, obvs). But I’m thinking part of the reason he wants to chuck us away is because he knows I (and they) won’t ever look at him in the same way and he’s too immature to handle being imperfect.

He certainly sounds immature! You simply don't need this type of man in your life. What area of your life was made better from this relationship? Sounds like he just dragged you down. You need confidence. You need to get your writing finished (your first "baby") and then start working on your second.

Sorry you're going through this

I haven't read all the latest updates but just wanted to say this man is not good Father material and just be glad you didn't end up having a baby with him before you discovered this. 39 is definitely not your last chance to have a baby, my friend met the love of her life at 41 and had a baby 2 years later and they are the best parents and happiest couple I know.

You will get through this and your life will be better for it. Hope you're okay x

Thank you xx I do deserve better I’m starting to see that. To answer your question zoella, none really, recently. In the past, he improved everything. We were very close and very happy. But more and more little incidents are starting to come back to me now - him being ungrateful, moody, unkind - which i’d chosen to ignore. I put it down to stress, because of the business, and maybe it was. But it’s not good enough. I never used him as my punch bag. Why should I be his?

You're sounding stronger with each post lass.

There'll be tough times, but you're on your way to a happier and more fulfilled life.

Thank you xx one of my best friends lives in Singapore and she’s just offered to pay to fly me out there. She’s a journalist too and she says I can take some of her work off her when I’m there. I think I’m going to

The Singapore trip sounds like a fantastic opputunity and time away! What a great thing for your self esteem and what fun!

He sounds like a cunt who used you for his business and as a punching bag for hand things weren’t going well. You are so much better off without him!

Go to Singapore and do some of your friends work and get back into things! What a fantastic offer! Please, taker her up on her. She obviously has faith in you❤️

Go! Excellent plan. Some you time is just what's needed.

I'm going to. I have to renew my passport tomorrow and as soon as it comes back, I'm going. thankyou everyone for your encouragement and support. i always knew this site was a godsend, as long as the poster is prepared to listen. which i am.

Singapore is amazing. Get yourself down to China town and Clarke quay at night time. You Will love it (apart from the 12 quid a glass vino 😱)

I am sorry. This is horrible.

My first reaction when you said he told you 'he wanted to leave you for a month' was to tell you to wish him well.

He must go. He must learn this isn't acceptable. This is the answer. Throw him out.

I know. That to me is the really unforgivable part. The texts, we might have got past, if he'd just admitted his mistake and asked me to forgive him. But the fact he doubled down on the hurt, telling me he was plotting to get rid of me while we were actively trying for a baby, makes him seem like a fucking sociopath. There is no excuse. And I don't care if he begs me in the future. I do not want him back.

He likes to control. He thought he had you in his hip pocket and was entitled to pursue a secret ego boost. When you rumbled him, he lashed out and cut you to the quick. He figured that you’d do the pick-me-dance. Instead, you ignored the 54 messages and then blocked him. You didn’t beg, so he saved face by ‘re-breaking up’ with you. What an immature, egocentric, pathetic man.

During quiet moments, he will think of your love and devotion, and will likely bitterly regret treating you with such contempt. Too late.

You will travel to Singapore, write, and have a fabulous, fulfilling life. If you want, you can pursue being a mother through sperm donation or adoption, even special needs adoption.

You’ve had a terrible blow and you’re grieving, but you will move through it and be stronger than ever.

I hope so. The hardest thing is coming to terms with the fact I didn’t really know him, after three years. Who was it in my bed? When he asked me back the first time, I said I couldn’t because it was like asking me to go out with a completely new person and it’s true. It feels like he has died

Your life will be bigger without him OP, just live it.

I too was SO grateful for this forum as I could not talk to anyone in RL .Like you , I often thought how sad I was for the betrayed woman and so grateful for my DH.
And then it happened to me.After nearly 30 years of marriage. And here I am , approaching my 60s and having limited choices .
I know you are worried about having DCs, but you also know that it wouldn't be right to stay in a disfunctional relation ship for that reason. Band Aid babies never work.
And so glad to hear that you have a wonderful opportunity in Singapore.Grab it with both hands. Leave failed actor behind in his shit life! Let him get together with his text woman.

Enjoy the rest of your life unburdened. Singapore will be full of young, vibrant, successful people like yourself. And if you want to , I am sure you will meet someone that deserves you.

The best revenge is living well. You Go Girl!

I was with my exH for 13 years before I found the strength to leave him - he didn’t love or appreciate me, he just used the fact that I’m kind and nice to have a comfortable home-life. Looking back I can’t velieve I didn’t realise but you don’t always. You’ve actually been lucky to find out he doesn’t deserve you sooner rather than later, hold your head up high and do what YOU want to. Send the book out, even if it is rejected so what - your achieves amazing things by creating it and should be proud regardless. Oh, and I found a truly lovely man when and where I was least expecting it and he cherishes me every day, just like I do him. We have a family together. It just took a long time to find him but he’s so lovely I’m truly blessed and our life is what I pretended to myself mine used to be. Go have fun.

I am struggling today. To be honest, when he was still contacting me I was comforted because in the back of my mind I hoped we might work things out. Since re-dumping me, I haven’t heard anything. It really hurts to think that he’s just moved on, is texting this girl, probably planning on meeting up with her, while I feel like someone has died, and can’t envisage a) wanting someone else and b) feeling confident enough to pursue it. Right now I just feel like an old rag he’s discarded

I understand OP. It is that loss of control and realisation that it really is the end.

I do wonder if he was having an affair? not many men would just leave a good relationship to be on their own.

I am sorry you are going through this. Time is the greatest healer. I look at my ex now and feel nothing, it is strange how time can heal you.

He had met someone he liked and was texting her but I read the texts and it didn’t seem like it had gone any further. Which is worse really. He just didn’t want me. I treated him really well. I would have done anything for him. And it’s still not enough. When I caught him he said he wanted to ‘see if he could be happier with someone else’

To be honest, when he was still contacting me I was comforted because in the back of my mind I hoped we might work things out. Since re-dumping me, I haven’t heard anything

I understand. I've been heartbroken waiting for calls after I'd broken up with men who were absolute shits. What happens all too often in dysfunctional relationships is that you lose yourself. Then, when the relationship breaks up (however bad it was) you still have that gaping hole in your life. It hurts and can raise abandonment issues for you, especially if you've had a difficult childhood as well.

The thing is you know even if he gets in touch, he'll get his ego boost and you'll then be re-re-dumped iyswim! This is no way to live - being his puppet on a string.

Read this great site. The link below is about finding the strength to make a clean break and avoid the very situation you are in:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-big-question-but-will-he-try-to-get-in-contact-with-me/

How about you take charge of your destiny instead of leaving it the hands of such a low-quality man? Change your number/block him. Then you have effectively ended the relationship once and for all. I'd probably go the changing my number route (you don't need calls/messages from all his relations either!).

The Singapore option sounds fantastic. See? New doors are opening for you already, if you would only stop looking backwards. Close the door on the misery and dysfunction that this relationship turned into.

If you don't, you are pretty much letting this guy have your time, thoughts, emotions even though you now know what he is. IMO this man has wasted enough of your time, don't let him have any more.

Stay strong, OP. Read/post/call friends/make plans for your career/seek therapy - make it all about you for a change.

Great review of the self-help classic, "Women Who Love Too Much" -

www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/women-who-love-too-much-are-you-one-of-them/

A lot of what you are feeling is not about this man in particular, it's to do with your self-esteem and your childhood. Work on you and you will be that much stronger when you meet another man (and you will!).

I know you’re right. I lost myself when I was with him, lost sight of my ambitions and aims, and lost so much confidence. That’s probably why he lost interest in the end. He felt like I needed him too much. Last Friday, after I caught him he kept saying ‘what’s going to happen to you? I’m so worried about you.’ And I said ‘well I’ll die. Obviously.’ But it’s clear how little he thinks of me. He thinks my life will be over without him in it.

after I caught him he kept saying ‘what’s going to happen to you? I’m so worried about you.'

My God, he's an arrogant wanker, isn't he?

My first husband who was aggressive and violent always used to say I'd never make it without him. I stayed with him too long and by the time I left there was no feelings left for me. I walked away and he spent months crying, wailing, meeting me outside work, writing notes, asking for my share of the rent for HIS house (not a chance, mate!) and so on. This was pre mobile phones, in the olden days LOL.

Funnily enough, he never did the ONE thing I asked him to do before I would even consider a reconcilliation. That thing was to seek therapy for his aggression. He never did it, but spent his whole time just trying to wear me down instead of working on himself. He has had one failed relationship after another since me. I don't think he'll ever change. At least he's not my problem any more.

I think these guys ask you questions like "how will you cope?" to undermine your confidence. It's THEM who can't cope. After all, isn't he the one who keeps texting you? You can take back control by removing his ability to get in contact with you.

His mum kept saying it too. She kept saying ‘we’re so worried about you’. It is quite insulting when I think about it though at the time I was too upset to register this