I caught him texting someone else. My heart is in bits.

[charlesdontyouevercrave]

I’ve read so many of these on here but never thought I’d be writing one myself. On Friday I caught my boyfriend of three years texting another woman. The content of the texts was innocent enough but he was doing it in secret, on his old phone. When I caught him he told me he had wanted to leave me for a month but didn’t know how to tell me. This has come completely out of the blue. There was no sign that he was unhappy. We were trying for a baby, (in fact the last time we had sex he asked me shouldn’t we be doing it more than once a day, to increase our chances). Why would you try for a baby with someone you secretly wanted to leave?

I left my phone with my sister that night. The next day I had 54 messages: all variants on ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, let’s work it out’. I cracked and text him back but when I did, I got the feeling he wasn’t actually that interested in talking to me. So I blocked him. Two days later he emailed me saying he knew I’d blocked him but he needed to see me. I said I didn’t want to and asked him what it was he wanted to say. He told me he’d changed his mind again and didn’t want me back after all. I can’t see the point of this, given that we had already broken up. It’s not as if I was pestering him. It feels like he is deliberately trying to hurt me.

I worked at his business, so I am now out of a job. I am 38 next week so this was definitely my last chance to have children. I adored him. I never thought he would do this. No one did. Everyone I have told is gobsmacked. We had a great relationship. He was my best friend. I cannot understand why he’s done this or his behaviour since. Sorry for the essay and thanks if you’re still reading.

I am so sorry you are going through this. But thank god you found out before you got pregnant or had had a baby with this man.

I am so sorry OP but you are well rid. Going through something similar (husband cheated and has had to Leave The Building!) so I know what its like. Thank god you didnt have a kid with him

Thank you all for your messages. I have been on here a few years and advised other people so many times, it feels so weird I’m now on the other end of it. It’s like an awful dream I can’t wake up from. I am trying to be positive but it’s hard. I have actually written a book (I am an ex journalist) but I kind of let the project slide because I was so busy helping him. So I think this week I’m just going to concentrate on putting the finishing touches to that and sending it to my agent. People keep telling me this might be the best thing to ever happen to me which I kind of know, intellectually. I just can’t feel it

l binned my last ex because he was doing this. He had more chances than l've ever given anyone, and still he did it. l was devastated but walked away with my head held high. His eldest actually said to me "well you know if it was up to me, who he'd be with."
One thing l won't tolerate is cheating in any shape or form.
Please don't let him talk you into going back, or trying for a baby again. lf he's done it once, he'll do it again. Respect yourself and walk away. You'll thank yourself in the end. There is someone out there for your who will treat you properly. x

Could there be something else going on? I'm in no way saying he's dealt with things properly, but I've seen it one too many times where the stress of business (you say it is a start up) and home (trying for a baby) let alone being in each other pockets, causes some people (men and women) to seek relief in fantasy land with grass greener type thoughts. Only you know your own heart and the circumstances but be aware that MN can be something of an echo chamber at times for LTB end of without looking at practicalities or whether the betrayal is something that can be got over. I'm not suggesting you become some simpering Stepford who paints the perfect life, waving her husband off knowing he's shagging the secretary either. But don't lose the big picture for the sake of being revved up by the crowd, don't lose perspective.

Depending on the value of the start up, how much work you've put in and your marriage status and length there may be an opportunity to get something out of it but only if it is worth it and you have enough evidence.

I kind of let the project slide because I was so busy helping him

It's weird, but I find the more I do for a guy the more likely they are to treat me badly. Maybe I just can't pick 'em. Lesson learned, though. Never put your life on hold for a guy - no matter how great he seems.

I know it's hard, OP. Just be kind to yourself and know that in six months or so you will feel so much stronger and relieved you are out of this mess.

Could there be something else going on? I'm in no way saying he's dealt with things properly, but I've seen it one too many times where the stress of business (you say it is a start up) and home (trying for a baby) let alone being in each other pockets, causes some people (men and women) to seek relief in fantasy land with grass greener type thoughts.

I have considered this myself, because his claims of being unhappy with me don't really ring true. We were happy, and he is a poor actor, so I would have known if he wasn't. However he is unhappy with nearly every other aspect of his life. He hates the business, and wishes he could leave it but he's tied into it for another four years. It is making money but not enough to take dividends yet, it involves a long motorway drive every day and it's antisocial hours. He used to tell me that he hated the days when I was off, and the only good thing about it was that we got to work together. So I have thought maybe he's just misplaced that generalised misery on me.

But then I think why he's done it isn't really relevant. The only thing that matters is that he did do it, and has continued to muck me around since.

Why would you try for a baby with someone you secretly wanted to leave?

It feels like he is deliberately trying to hurt me.

I think there you have your answer OP.
Sadly, you are taking the brunt of a selfish man who enjoys playing yoyo with your heartstrings.

The best case scenario is that he is unsure & wavering.
Do you want a man who is AT BEST an unsure waverer, at worst a nasty entitled gameplayer, to be the father of any child you might have?

Am so sorry for all the upheaval you are going to be going through. But it seems apparent that if he's not good enough to be a father, he's also not good enough to be your boss. Why would you want to be in any position of dependency on someone who is prepared to treat you like this?

All I can really suggest is that you treat your yearning for a child as a separate issue for the immediate future. The immediate issues are becoming his ex-partner & his ex-employee.

Once you have done that ... 38 is not too late. If you want a baby you don't even need to have a partner - you could consider a sperm donor.
I understand that's not most people's ideal - but surely better than accepting your twat of a soon-to-be-ex as a father.
And who knows, once you are free of your entitled shitbag boss/partner you will meet someone more deserving of you.

Happy Birthday for next week. Good luck & stay srong xx

He is doing all this because he got caught out OP, I’m quite sure that he never expected that and this is his way of getting some control back. People say all kinds of ridiculous crap when caught. They don’t always mean it . He isn’t a nice guy though , although I am sure he thinks he is

Sorry this is happening to you OP. But he was not your best friend. BFs don't shaft you over. Interesting you also say you didn't want to be a partner as he would load more work onto you. Agdin, not someone I would describe as a BF.

You deserve better. Get employed and if you really still want a baby, consider other options. My friend has just adopted at the age of 43.

I know. I know he isn’t. He was lazy, I knew that. But I accepted it because he had so many other lovely qualities which I thought were more important. I’m starting to look back on the last year of our relationship and see that he did use me a bit and take me for granted. But i also see that it’s partly my fault for allowing myself to be used.

Oh, OP. Such pain and shock.

But really, TTC with someone you know you want to leave?

That’s a new level of flakey irresponsible cuntbadgerness.

I understand it hurts like hell.

Your life is going to be good. In the meantime lean on friends and let out the pain.

I’m with a lovely man but there but for the grace... go all of us.

for you

I used to think exactly the same thing when I read awful stories on here. I used to look at him and think ‘god I’m so lucky to have found him in the nick of time’. I was in an abusive relationship for five years, so I was probably more appreciative than a lot of women. And I told him so every day. Not in a smothery way. I just wanted him to know he was loved. Now I’m thinking maybe I only saw what I wanted to see, and he let me, because it was very flattering version of himself being reflected back

As part of rebuilding your life, OP, how do you feel about seeing a therapist to work through some issues you may have about past relationships?

I should do, I know. I’ve just sat with my mum for an hour and cried about my dad. His dead now, and I didn’t shed a tear when he died, because he was pretty horrible to me when he was alive. She finally admitted I might be right, rather than telling me I was imagining it like she usually does, so that feels like a bit of breakthrough at least.

You poor thing, OP Glad you feel you've had a bit of a breakthrough. I think you need to take some time out to work on yourself (possibly with professional help) and you'll be amazed at how much stronger you will feel. Then you can get on with your plans to rebuild your career and have a baby. It's all possible, but you want to be doing it from a position of strength. You can do this!

Thank you xx I’m so grateful I know about mumsnet. The last awful breakup I went through I didn’t and my head was so much more up my arse even though the relationship was much shorter and less meaningful.

Yes, I'm much older than you and I would have LOVED to have had the internet and Mumsnet around to help me when I was younger and going through traumatic relationships. My mother is a narc and completely unsupportive. My family all live abroad too (they moved away when I was 20) so I've always felt so alone with these things.

It’s hard isn’t it? But I’m using what I’ve learned on here over the years now. Before mumsnet, I would have definitely caved as soon as he said he wanted me back. But this time I told him no, that even though I still loved him I couldn’t forgive him. Since then, his mum, dad and sister have all emailed me separately to say they loved me and I was really good for him. It’s like he’s the only one who can’t see it

You sound resourceful and like you’ve got your head screwed on, OP. This horrible thing has happened and you are thinking about your book getting published. That is so positive. Trust yourself and don’t give up on the baby; you never know what life has in store.
Lick your wounds, pour it out on here x

Since then, his mum, dad and sister have all emailed me separately to say they loved me and I was really good for him

It's all about him though, isn't it? He most definitely isn't good for you.

I know, you’re all right. Women on mumsnet are always right. Yeah I definitely let the book slide while I was working for him and it would be easy to put all the blame on him and his demands for this. But I know deep down it wasn’t just that. I was scared of someone rejecting it. I was scared of finding out I couldn’t write, not really. It was easier to just hide away in his horrid little shop, constantly redrafting bits of the book like it was the Forth fucking Bridge, than actually send it out and risk rejection

www.chumplady.com/2018/09/chump-lady-descends-into-middle-age/

This is a great story from the woman who runs the site. She was older than you are now when her life fell apart - on her 40th birthday no less! At 42 she met her next husband who is everything a husband should be.

No reason why this couldn't be you, OP, and sooner than you think!

Thank you xx I will read it now

I think OP when you have kind of idolised someone, they often struggle when caught out to cope with the disappointment and anger with them that naturally reflects off you and find it easier just to get out and say hurtful rubbish than man up and see if it can be rebuilt. My H said some ludicrous shit at the time and then profusely apologised a few hours later, I think it was shock that I realised he wasn’t quite the person I had thought