Wife and I drifting apart - heart break

[Needfull1]

Hello, I'm writing this to reach out to anyone, perhaps woman who are in a similar situation.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, married for 5. We have 2 beautiful young kids. Most of my adult life I've suffered , to varying degrees, with depression and severe mood swings. I've tried my best to limit the impact on my wife but inevitably she has been affected. The pressure of balancing work with family home life, 2 young kids has taken it's toll. It all came to a head a few months back when one of my mood swings 'broke' her , as she put it. Now, she barely talks to me, holding herself back, not letting me in emotionally and only talking really about the kids or when something needs planned, usually around the kids. We never seem to be natural round each other, where once conversation flowed easily and where we could just be 'us'. Now, it's like we are strangers and it's breaking my heart. I am broken also. We are going to councelling but so far hasn't really helped other than highlight that we are on different pages of a very big book, drifted apart is really where we are at. I love her so much, but it's so hard when we both feel suppressed and not allowing our true personalities to shine round each other.

There has been talk of separation, but it would mean me leaving the home (best for the kids) but I have nowhere to go and can't afford to rent and pay the mortgage on the house. The thought of which kills me, as I wouldn't see the kids daily. They are my life.

That aside, I'm feeling a lot more positive in my head, and my wife knows this, but she is struggling to come to terms with things and I fear there is no way back.

I'm reaching out to anyone who this resonates with. I need a perspective on things, from any stand point. I, We, need help.

Thanks for reading.

With kindness, this post is all about you. Does your wife feel as though this is how you approach life? Do you think about her happiness, desires and well being? If you do does she know that you do?

I think you could show your wife some kindness and try to build on things from there. If you feel that you already do this, then talk to her, properly, about what she wants and what she feels. Communication is key.

Hey DonPablo, thanks. I don't quite understand your question "Does your wife feel as though this is how you approach life?"

I don't think about her happiness as much as I should, and I know I should do more. She has been quite cold with me so talking can be hard, but IL try. Communication has always been our weak point

I think the question was whether your wife might feel that her happiness comes second to yours.

It's tough dealing with depression, not just for the depressed person. How have you tried to limit the impact on your wife? How did the last mood swing affect her?

If counselling isn’t helping then I’m not sure what else you can do. Sometimes separating is actually for the best :( how long have you been going to counselling? Friends of mine needed 18 months to get anywhere so if you’ve had only a few sessions then it’s too early to say it’s not helping. Are you on medication for your depression? I’d suggest you need individual counselling on your own for your issues. I’d suggest you join a gym and start exercising (great for depression). Join a group like a running group or book group to give you something else to focus on and talk about. Eat healthily. Go get a comprehensive blood screen for vitamin deficiency and thyroid function and see a nutritionist. All of those things are going to give you a picture of what’s happening and why your moods get low. Pay to get them done ASAP. No faffing around with the GP or excuses. Book a private clinic today and get it all booked up and get that gym membership booked today, preferably one with a crèche so on a Saturday you leave the kids in the crèche and you and your wife go for a swim/sauna and then get childfree lunch. You can then show her you are trying and all these things give you other stuff to talk about.

I was your wife, its very hard to live with someone with such swings in mood. When you are low, do you invariably take it out on your wife? When you say mood swings, do you have issues with your anger?

My ex had and still has horrendous mood swings. I literally didnt know what I would wake up too. I walked on egg shells, my self esteem plumetted and I couldnt see a way out. My respect for him had gone as he treated me so badly when he was anxious/depressed/sad etc. He also never considered my needs, his always came first.

I am not suggetsing you are like my ex, but living with someone with unstable moods is very hard work. Personally, going forward (I left 2 years ago) I would never date or live with a man who was moody. Never.

Yes, interesting these "mood swings"... What exactly do they entail?

What exactly do they entail?

What behaviours 'broke' her?

For me with dh, our relationship is really on its last legs. I have a vague memory of feeling really in love and happy with him but to be honest his anxiety/depression (most of all the short times he has taken himself off anti-ds) has meant mood swings that he can’t/won’t explain, tension and irritability towards me and dc, defensiveness, even threatening to leave. Need more info about how your “mood swings” play out in your relationship but certainly my love for dh is pretty much dead and I have lost respect, attraction, kindness, affection and trust in him, I don’t see them coming back as despite him saying he “feels better” or will “try harder” it just goes in cycles. He won’t go to counselling and I don’t see anything changing so I am gettjnf my ducks in a row. Until you are able to act unselfishly and as an adult partner, don’t force someone else to deal with your issues. (Sorry if that’s blunt)

Thanks for your responses. In response...

I try and keep fit, exercising several times a week. Will look into the blood screening thing, interesting.

When I am low, yes, my wife takes the brunt of it, but in last 6 months I try and contain it within, without speaking about it cause I don't want to upset her but she picks up on that.

What broke her - my negativity, and my reluctantance to do things that cost money. A big issue was when I said no to a family holiday because we could not afford it and I was not willing to put more debt onto the credit card.

My mood swings entail from being really low and depressed, shutting down and not communicating, to being irritable and short tempered. I've got a good grip on this now and not had a mood swing in 4/5 months now. I'm mentally in a great place.

I'm trying so hard to fix.my issues myself without having to rely on her, it's working so far. The damage though has been done already

“ A big issue was when I said no to a family holiday because we could not afford it and I was not willing to put more debt onto the credit card.”
Sorry but it doesn’t seem like you truly think you’ve been in the wrong if you think this is the big reason why she’s “broken”. Tbh she may be irresponsible with money (which is your implication) but speaking from experience I am pretty sure that your “negativity” has been a bigger factor than disagreeing on a holiday. Do you agree to do other fun stuff as a family or are you generally negative? As I said in my previous post if she’s anything like me, the feelings erode over time, it’s the day to day eggshell walking and the frustration at their low moods and the inevitable arguments that occur as a result. It’s draining.
If you are unhappy and don’t think your relationship is working now you’re working on your issues then you need an honest conversation. She might also be relieved.

Regardless of the other bits, you do not have to leave yourself completely broke financially to facilitate a split if it comes to that. Sometimes tough decisions need making.

Depression is a very selfish illness. It changes the very core of people IME

My mother had it when I was a child and it was like a black cloud was over our entire family. The happiness of my family depended solely on how my mother was feeling that day. My brother and I could not wait to leave.

My father got it later on in life. Lost jobs because of it, it was always some ones fault, every one was a bastard, couldn’t be arsed to see his grandkids. He thought he was dying but would make correct health choices.

We rallied round for a couple of years but it drained us of energy. In the end I told his wife she should leave. She didn’t and is now also on AD

I love her so much, but it's so hard when we both feel suppressed and not allowing our true personalities to shine round each other

This just sits really uneasy with me yet I don’t know why?

I don't think 4 to 5 months is that long.
Are you perhaps thinking that you've 'been good' for long enough now that everything should be ok?

This is not coming from a place of judgement because I suffer from chronic depression and have done for many years, but I know several men who have suffered/are suffering from severe depression, and believe that a clean and healthy lifestyle will somehow fix their mental health problems, and it just doesn't. However, they refuse to take anti-depressants for whatever reason, and as a result, it is their friends and families that continue to suffer. Taking ADs allowed my "true personality" to shine through: if you haven't already tried this route, maybe you should speak to your GP.

I do agree to fun stuff, all the time, and I even suggest things that we can do together as a couple, but she resists. There has not been any major points of trauma, but lots of little things which have ground her down.

The term punch bag is very extreme, and it's not like that at all, it suggests the the wrong things.

And yes, I've tired to fix my problems. I'm on anti depressants, I read self help books, I exercise as much as I can which helps massively.

"I don't think 4 to 5 months is that long.
Are you perhaps thinking that you've 'been good' for long enough now that everything should be ok?"

Yes, I guess I think it should be. But, it's taken along time for thing's to be the way they are, for things to resolve may take a lot longer

Could you ask her what she wants you to do and do it? Eg she might want you to pick some flowers for her or that you do all the family washing or that you have more sex or less sex or that you say 5 positive things for every negative. That you smile more.

House work got her down, I'm doing a lot more round the house now. Sex - not had sex in around 10 month's. It was always me instigating it which made me feel pretty lousy. I took the decision not to anymore to see if she would come to me, which she has not.

Your title ‘my wife and I drifting apart’ should more accurately state ‘I pushed my wife away’ if I’m understanding correctly.

I’m sorry but for her to say your behaviour broke her is really strong language and you need to take responsibility for that.

Focus on fixing yourself and take the medication and counselling on offer for you to do that. It’s really unfair for another’s mental health to be impacted by your illness. I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry but some more acknowledgement of that would be a start.

It sounds like you are only addressing it now that she has said she is done though. Had you got genuine help years ago, you may not be where you now are. Honestly I think the kindest thing you could do now is to be led by your wife. If she wants out of the marriage or a trial separation, allow this. Give her some breathing space.

So the housework got her down. I’m not surprised she never wanted sex with a husband who was irritable, had mood swings and was leaving all the housework to her.

Go to counselling by yourself and find ways to manage your mood swings and address the underlying causes of your depression.
Do chores and spend time with the family doing nice things. Find ways to be kind.
Also, as Xenia says, ask her what she wants from you then try to do your part.

when I said no to a family holiday because we could not afford it and I was not willing to put more debt onto the credit card
This was her breaking point? Are you sure? As that's obviously a perfectly reasonable and sensible choice, and apparently nothing to do with you being depressed. Or do you mean that your finances were suffering because you couldn't work, and she got fed up with not having much money?

I was in denial for a long time over how serious this is, it's why I've only recently started to address it. I'm fully aware my actions have created this, there is no one else to blame but me and I have apologized to her. I don't want to be a burden on anyone, not least my wife. Breathing space is what I'm giving her now.

I took the decision not to anymore to see if she would come to me, which she has not
This is problematic - you were secretly testing her, without her knowing that it was a test?

What is the problem in counselling, do you think?