Wife and I drifting apart - heart break

[Needfull1]

Hello, I'm writing this to reach out to anyone, perhaps woman who are in a similar situation.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, married for 5. We have 2 beautiful young kids. Most of my adult life I've suffered , to varying degrees, with depression and severe mood swings. I've tried my best to limit the impact on my wife but inevitably she has been affected. The pressure of balancing work with family home life, 2 young kids has taken it's toll. It all came to a head a few months back when one of my mood swings 'broke' her , as she put it. Now, she barely talks to me, holding herself back, not letting me in emotionally and only talking really about the kids or when something needs planned, usually around the kids. We never seem to be natural round each other, where once conversation flowed easily and where we could just be 'us'. Now, it's like we are strangers and it's breaking my heart. I am broken also. We are going to councelling but so far hasn't really helped other than highlight that we are on different pages of a very big book, drifted apart is really where we are at. I love her so much, but it's so hard when we both feel suppressed and not allowing our true personalities to shine round each other.

There has been talk of separation, but it would mean me leaving the home (best for the kids) but I have nowhere to go and can't afford to rent and pay the mortgage on the house. The thought of which kills me, as I wouldn't see the kids daily. They are my life.

That aside, I'm feeling a lot more positive in my head, and my wife knows this, but she is struggling to come to terms with things and I fear there is no way back.

I'm reaching out to anyone who this resonates with. I need a perspective on things, from any stand point. I, We, need help.

Thanks for reading.

When you say you’re giving her breathing space, what do you mean?

"This was her breaking point? Are you sure? As that's obviously a perfectly reasonable and sensible choice"

I never said this was her breaking point, but this came up alot because it upset her.

My depression has never stopped me.from.working, I've worked hard and stayed strong through it.

I can understand general negativity getting her down, but if she's moaning about you not wanting to get into debt then she's the one being unreasonable.

What kind of things trigger your depression, do you think?

Does your wife work, would she be able to contribute to the mortgage?

Been on both sides of this.

First I was and still am chronically depressed. I am stable now, I keep myself healthy with the lowest dose of ADs I can and I run a lot. DH was a bit of shit when I was really bad because he didn't understand. And to cap it all had an affair because he thought I didn't love him. That has taken a lot of getting past.....

Now he's suffering like I was but does not seem to be able to find a way to handle this. He's on a high dose of ADs, getting therapy and he is still really bad. He has also turned into a monster of selfishness TBH and I am struggling to like him at the moment. Having said that at least I understand where he is and that give me more patience.

I have sympathy for both. It isn't just a question of seeking treatment and all of a sudden it's fixed. But on the other hand it is horrible living with a depressive.

Have you ever actually spoken to each other openly about this situation? Does she understand what depression actually is? What treatment are you getting?

"This is problematic - you were secretly testing her, without her knowing that it was a test?"

I was not testing her, I decided I wasn't going to hound her for sex when she clearly had no interest.

Did she say that she had no interest, or why? I can imagine lots of other reasons for her not making advances. For example, she might also have thought "he obviously no longer wants sex", based on your behaviour.

If it is a lack of interest, well doing housework probably will help a bit - but if things really are simply toxic, then it would take an effort from both of you to change that. You seem willing to try, but you're saying she isn't?

(Congratulations on getting to a place where you are willing and able to try, btw.)

You seem willing to try, but you're saying she isn't?
Did she say that she had no interest, or why?
I think cause she is past the point of wanting to try.
And she is always tired, sex last thing on her mind

You say that you have been able to keep strong for work. This, on the surface, sounds good but there is the other side of this coin. Is she seeing this as you are able to keep it together at work but you take your frustrations on her at home? The problem with this is to your wife she can see the disconnect. My ex used to say he did and said such and such due to stress/depression etc. but he was able to treat his co-workers with total respect and treat me like something he had scraped off his boot. Maybe it was because he was shitty to me that he was able to treat his work oppos like a bunch of princes but it made me fee utter crap I can tell you.

Depressed people are depressed. It's not selective. I have a family member that has 'depression' until she goes on holiday or is doing something she wants to do. 'Depression' sets in when she is expected to work or parent her own kids. Most people can see a disconnect like this if there is one.
I hope you get well and the breathing space makes your wife realise it's not all bad and you stay together and you manage to have a good life together. If you start to slide though, get help instantly.

It sounds like she’s already checked out. What about a grand gesture? Have you tried doing something romantic or breaking out of your standoff.

Can you promise her to start putting her first and take some action to prove it?

I live with a depressive, who refuses to use medication to help. Every now and then, when he gets really low, it all blows up and it's always me who takes the brunt of it.

Quite frankly, it destroys relationships, and it can easily destroy any sense of respect for your partner. It becomes like emotional abuse.

Do you actually have any insight into how you've been treating your wife over the last 15 years?

It might just be too little, too late. You’ve finally come to the realisation that things need to change but she’s already beyond it.

Sometimes there doesn’t need to be a ‘grand’ trauma or one huge issue. It can be death by a thousand cuts.

Is she depressed, too?

"Youve seen her miserable for years, and refused to change because it never effected you happiness. Now shes talking about leaving you are full of talk of change, aģain not for her happiness but yours as you dont want to lose her. Its too late"

Your wrong. She has not been miserable for years, maybe you are but not my wife. It's not too late and soo much to fight for.

Your wrong

Really? Do you know that for sure? Have you asked your wife to talk about how SHE has been feeling about the way you treat her, and have been doin during the course of your marriage?

When we need to talk, we talk. But we don't talk for about thing's for the sake of it.

"Have you asked your wife to talk about how SHE has been feeling about the way you treat her"

You make it sound like I'm a monster. Far from it.

"Is she depressed, too?"

I've asked her this. She is certainly down, but not clinically depressed. I've told her to see a doctor Incase but her not wanting to tells me she is not

This is painful to read.

So self-absorbed, defensive when people are hitting close to the mark.

Did you want everyone to tell you how great you are for finally acknowledging that you’ve been shit to your wife?

It sounds like she’s had enough. Counselling won’t make her love you again, and it certainly shouldn’t force her to put up with such misery.

If she's checked out, the spark is gone. You should really prepare yourself for the end of the relationship...be kind to yourself, and her.

OP
I’d message admin and ask them to delete this
You havnt received a single piece of useful advice and by the looks of things you are not going to.

You havnt received a single piece of useful advice and by the looks of things you are not going to.

Really?

I take it you're either a) the OP's sock puppet and/or b) another bloke

Lots of good advice here - and more importantly, some good probing/questioning to try and understand the OP's situation, and help him see things from his wife's perspective.

Oh, c) you're someone who doesn't care about a wife's perspective

I think there has been some good comments, but some seem to be from bitter people putting me in a pigeon hole. I'm a man therefore I must be a completel bastard.

People are making assumptions, but OP those assumptions could still actually be useful to you, as your wife might be making assumptions too, especially if you say that you don't communicate well. Maybe she's thinking some of the things people are suggesting here - even though they are factually not correct. We all make assumptions and sp,etimes get the wrong end of the stick. You, too, are making assumptions by second-guessing what she's thinking based on her actions.

Keep up the counselling, and if it isn't helpful, look out for a different counsellor or a different type of counselling. Also keep an eye out for self-help groups, if you live in a busy enough area - there are sometimes even groups for the partners of people who have issues.

But also give some thoughts as to how it might work practically if your wife doesn't want to continue with this. Research into your options properly and the future after a breakup might turn out to be at least slightly less scary than you think.