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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife and I drifting apart - heart break

116 replies

Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 08:40

Hello, I'm writing this to reach out to anyone, perhaps woman who are in a similar situation.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, married for 5. We have 2 beautiful young kids. Most of my adult life I've suffered , to varying degrees, with depression and severe mood swings. I've tried my best to limit the impact on my wife but inevitably she has been affected. The pressure of balancing work with family home life, 2 young kids has taken it's toll. It all came to a head a few months back when one of my mood swings 'broke' her , as she put it. Now, she barely talks to me, holding herself back, not letting me in emotionally and only talking really about the kids or when something needs planned, usually around the kids. We never seem to be natural round each other, where once conversation flowed easily and where we could just be 'us'. Now, it's like we are strangers and it's breaking my heart. I am broken also. We are going to councelling but so far hasn't really helped other than highlight that we are on different pages of a very big book, drifted apart is really where we are at. I love her so much, but it's so hard when we both feel suppressed and not allowing our true personalities to shine round each other.

There has been talk of separation, but it would mean me leaving the home (best for the kids) but I have nowhere to go and can't afford to rent and pay the mortgage on the house. The thought of which kills me, as I wouldn't see the kids daily. They are my life.

That aside, I'm feeling a lot more positive in my head, and my wife knows this, but she is struggling to come to terms with things and I fear there is no way back.

I'm reaching out to anyone who this resonates with. I need a perspective on things, from any stand point. I, We, need help.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 28/03/2019 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ravenmum · 28/03/2019 20:18

Ugh, I'm off to bed. If it gets too nasty OP, click "hide this thread" at the top and then go and find a man's forum! Though you'll probably just get told off there for being too soft or something Grin.

Original poster
Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 20:19

Dadaist,HomoHeinekenensis,Bathtime17,TrendyNorthLondonTeen, thanks.

Your correct in that I've not been what she has been needing, I can't change that and I'm embarrassed I've not done anything about it. Some real truths are coming to light, some things I'm only learning about myself. I've created and stoked the fire without realising. No excuses, but we both have fallen victim to the pressures that life brings.

Thanks for all your posts, it's appreciated (mostly)

OP posts:
Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 20:25

Ravenmum - thanks. I'm ignoring the negativity here. Thanks, you sound like a real positive soul. Need more of you in the world

OP posts:
serialtester · 28/03/2019 20:32

If the OP was a woman with PND the responses would have been very different. Some posters understanding of mental health issues is actually shocking.

Original poster
Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 20:34

"If the OP was a woman with PND the responses would have been very different. Some posters understanding of mental health issues is actually shocking"

Yup yup yup

OP posts:
Mookatron · 28/03/2019 20:37

I can see why you feel attacked on this thread but if you can bear to pick through it you will find some nuggets of useful information. The main one is listen to your wife. Additionally, even though you couldn't help being a shit, acknowledging that your behaviour was hurtful and apologising for it can go a long way. Apologising without trying to justify it, that is.

If she can't or won't talk to you about what she needs from you now, I think you're going to have to accept the relationship is over.

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 20:42

True colours, huh?! It’s textbook.

StrippingTheVelvet · 28/03/2019 20:48

Oblomov's post is exactly what everyone here is thinking. No need to be so rude to them for calling a spade a spade. If that's how you speak to your wife, any wonder she's had enough.

Amongstthetallgrass · 28/03/2019 20:50

I imagine she's just had enough of you. It all sounds like the last few years have been miserable. She has no belief or trust in the 'new better you' and that's her prerogative
She wants happiness and contentment and all you've shown her (till now when it is going to impact you) is depression and a dull existence.
She's had to be very independent to cope with all this so probably doesn't need you either
If you love someone set them free

This

I’d also recommend depression fall out it’s a book for families that deal with the fall out when a nember has long term depression. It will show you what your wife and kids are feeling and how they may look at you. Then give it to your wife to read.

This illness has ruined your family. It’s clear to see. Depression really does envelops a family.

I think your scared of trying the separation as you feel she won’t want to come back. Be honest with yourself.

Would you rather chain yourself to her so she doesn’t experience the freedom and you both suffer (and what kind of marriage would that be) or set her free to see if you can work on yourself and maybe start a fresh.

It’s really common that when one spouse has long term depression that the other spouse gets so dragged down by it they end up with mental health problems too.

Is that fair?

I do sympathise with the prison that your trapped in but I also feel really sorry for your wife too and your making her imprisoned by poxy.

Amongstthetallgrass · 28/03/2019 20:53

If a woman cane on here with PND and described what op has done to his wife I know for fact they would get told the same.

PND and depression is no excuse for this behaviour. I know what it’s like to live with some like this, my mother.

bluebell34567 · 28/03/2019 21:01

agree, op's response to oblomov was very rude. like showing true colors.

Amongstthetallgrass · 28/03/2019 21:02

Sadly I think it does. I’ve reported it

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/03/2019 21:07

Dam rite, whole new world of women just waiting to pounce on their next forum victim

98% of the Internet is porn, kittens and men telling each other they're right. You chose to come here and get what is sometimes harsh, honest and hard to swallow advice. Or you're a wind up merchant.

Deadringer · 28/03/2019 22:09

I think your wife is in self preservation mode. She is protecting herself by being cold and unfeeling, waiting for the next time that you lose control and lash out. (Verbally) if she doesn't care, she can't be hurt again. I think it's too late tbh, I think your wife has just had enough. Judging by some of your replies on here, you don't take criticism very well. You asked for advice and opinions and people have taken the time to reply but you are becoming increasingly sneery.

JeanBodel · 28/03/2019 22:16

Honestly? You should get off Mumsnet and talk to your wife. Stop talking to strangers on the internet about how to make things better. Talk to your wife about how to make things better.

purplepears · 29/03/2019 03:18

@Needfull1
I'm reaching out to anyone who this resonates with. I need a perspective on things, from any stand point.

This is what you wrote in your original post. You've got exactly what you asked for. Yet you want to cherry pick the bits that suit you.
If, just if, you use this thread to hear the opinions of how you present yourself and take a step back from your indignation and self pity, and take the comments on board and learn from them, you may see yourself through your wife's eyes.
And that's what you need to see if you have any chance of fixing this.
Everything you have written is full of self pity and as I said earlier I believe she's just had enough. (I've had enough just reading your responses, tbh.....I'd finish the relationship for sure)

ukgift2016 · 29/03/2019 05:21

Dam rite, whole new world of women just waiting to pounce on their next forum victim

No wonder your wife doesn't want you anymore. You are very spiteful.

kbPOW · 29/03/2019 05:49

You still haven't said what you did when in uour 'mood' that 'broke' your wife.

HomoHeinekenensis · 29/03/2019 06:48

Oblamov was right and your reaction was telling.

You do seem to not want to hear that we cannot come up with a way of getting your wife back in her box.
Set her free. Try and remain friends. Be led by her. Apologise and she may return to you.

LaughingCow99 · 29/03/2019 07:00

I think the damage is done. You took your moods out on her for too long, which must have been hellish, and then refused a holiday which was probably the escape she desperately needed.

I understand depression, but I also know that I am aware of how my behaviour can upset others.

You should have sought help sooner. I think it's time you went your separate ways. Staying because you don't know how you will afford elsewhere is not fair on anyone if you can't stop treating your wife badly.

Your refusal to answer what your moods entailed is quite telling. How much did you expect your wife to put up with? I am guessing she has been through a terrible time.

gamerchick · 29/03/2019 07:32

You do seem to not want to hear that we cannot come up with a way of getting your wife back in her box
Set her free. Try and remain friends. Be led by her. Apologise and she may return to you

Yep ^^ but it may be too late and you need to accept that also.

woollyheart · 29/03/2019 07:47

You can't expect your wife to completely forget the negative parts of her life with you. You seem to think it is easy to put unpleasant things behind you and act as if nothing is wrong.

bluebell34567 · 29/03/2019 08:54

i think the damage is done. she'd better not return.
i worry about the kids, too, in that environment.