Wife and I drifting apart - heart break

[Needfull1]

Hello, I'm writing this to reach out to anyone, perhaps woman who are in a similar situation.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, married for 5. We have 2 beautiful young kids. Most of my adult life I've suffered , to varying degrees, with depression and severe mood swings. I've tried my best to limit the impact on my wife but inevitably she has been affected. The pressure of balancing work with family home life, 2 young kids has taken it's toll. It all came to a head a few months back when one of my mood swings 'broke' her , as she put it. Now, she barely talks to me, holding herself back, not letting me in emotionally and only talking really about the kids or when something needs planned, usually around the kids. We never seem to be natural round each other, where once conversation flowed easily and where we could just be 'us'. Now, it's like we are strangers and it's breaking my heart. I am broken also. We are going to councelling but so far hasn't really helped other than highlight that we are on different pages of a very big book, drifted apart is really where we are at. I love her so much, but it's so hard when we both feel suppressed and not allowing our true personalities to shine round each other.

There has been talk of separation, but it would mean me leaving the home (best for the kids) but I have nowhere to go and can't afford to rent and pay the mortgage on the house. The thought of which kills me, as I wouldn't see the kids daily. They are my life.

That aside, I'm feeling a lot more positive in my head, and my wife knows this, but she is struggling to come to terms with things and I fear there is no way back.

I'm reaching out to anyone who this resonates with. I need a perspective on things, from any stand point. I, We, need help.

Thanks for reading.

MRA in being a total dick shocker

My FIL sounds like you. He is a truly dreadful man. Blames his depression for his nasty and unpleasant behaviour towards his poor wife. He worked too and managed to have a good friendship group. However his wife got the short tempers, ridiculed, mocked, put down. He was so abusive he nearly caused a car crash when he was having another rant and she refuses to get in the car with him. Of course he isn’t like that with anyone else. My OH has to step in now and manage his dad as it’s truly dreadful. His wife is in her 70s and wasn’t in a position to up and leave so what she has done instead is created a life for herself whilst still with him. She goes out with friends, regularly goes with friends for lunch, badminton, day trips and goes abroad twice a year for a weekend with friends. Yours sounds younger and probably ready to leave. I would be interested to know if this is the type of behaviour your poor wife has to put up with.

OP: I think its evident you don't really acknowledge your behaviour has damaged your relationship. Its like you feel your wifes response (not yours) to your depression and mood changes have affected the relationship. You have been told by many who have been through the same thing how soul destroying it can be to live with someone whose moods change so much. I understand mental health, I understand depression, I understand anxiety. But you cannot and should not underestimate the affect ot has on those around you. It is also NOT an excuse for treating other people badly. You should accept that your wife has been affected in ways you cannot imagine.

She is done by the sounds of it. Let her go if she wants, lay it on the line and tell her you want to try, but if she cant find it in herself, let her go, dont try cage her. Dont try and persuade her you have changed, show her over a longer period of time. She is probably fearful that if something else happens in your life (bereavement, job stress etc) that it will all happen again. If you manage with a degree of consistency to be more stable then maybe she might get that love back again. But its also likely she may not.

Don't have joint counselling, have it individually and work on yourself first. Your wife is wounded, she is showing you she is tired of it all. Coming from experience its wearing and its draining and she was your outlet. I used to question how my ex could hold it together for everyone else but I was his outlet for his anxiety and depression. It didnt feel like love. It erodes and chips away at you bit by bit. Your wife is giving you a clear message.

What happened, when you were in one of your moods, particularly the one you say "broke her"? Did you get verbally aggressive? Did you shout? Did you flip easily?

Depression is a rough illness, I'm sorry that you have gone through it.

The tough thing about being the partner of someone with depression (from experience) is that it rips up the rule book. You put up with small indignities and injustices all the time because you are trying to be supportive and do the right thing. You allow boundaries to have been crossed that should not have been crossed. You don't ask for the little things for yourself when you need them - you are always in the giving mode.

But in so doing so, you can easily lose the sense of allowing yourself to be open to the relationship and you can lose yourself - the sense of what makes you feel good and what you want and deserve. That's what happened to me, anyway.

I'm saying this because it may well be that your wife very simply has to be in a space right now which is all about her - who she is and what she needs. I think you have to let her have that space. I've got no idea if you can save your marriage, but I suspect that if you can it will be because she will have had a chance to work out in her own way how your marriage can give her what she wants.

crazynead, that’s a great post. Very insightful.

crazyHead

whole new world of women just waiting to pounce on their next forum victim

and there's me just deleting the really worthwhile advice I was going to give you.

See the thing is OP, every time you are verbally abusive or venting your issues in her direction this benefitted you. It did the polar opposite for your wife though. Please try and imagine someone you claim to love saying the things to you that you said to her, in the same tone, under the same circumstances. It kills. Your love is ground to dust. It can take weeks, months or years but it goes. After all that time your wife needs a guarantee of peace and a pleasant life. The only way she can get that is to take matters into her own hands.

"See the thing is OP, every time you are verbally abusive or venting your issues in her direction this benefitted you"

No. That is unlikely to be true. Nothing 'benefits' a depressive other than getting out of depression.

I so knew you wouldn't come back today, @Needfull1. You'll have moved on to the next forum in the belief that they'll agree with you, I'm sure.
Really hope your poor wife is reading this thread. If she is, go find your life and happiness.

My dh is depressed and moody.
I am so sick of walking on eggshells, worrying about the kids and everyone asking if he is ok. He's a bloody nightmare to be around and everything is about him. Just like your wife, I distance myself from him as self preservation.
What would help, would be if he put me and the kids first. Did nice things for us, planned days out or activities, or just had one day without his bloody moaning.

Irian It definitely benefits the person shouting and being abusive in the moment, even if it is a momentary vent that is misdirected.
I actually suspect the OP was abusive during his 'mood swings' as he called it but we shall probably never know as he is unlikely to return when he is not hearing what he wishes to hear from us all.
He admits he has been horrible to live with and yet seems incredulous that his wife wants to leave. It's as if the thought had never occurred to him that she might.

big issue was when I said no to a family holiday because we could not afford it and I was not willing to put more debt onto the credit card

What leaps out of this for me is the feeling that you can use your veto. Does your wife have a voice? It is easy to label her as spending money you don't have but perhaps that is your perspective and she had a different view.

Is your wife an equal partner in your marriage? What was your childhood like?

I

Surprised that people are saying it's OK to get into debt to go on holiday? Is that really so normal these days?

It's probably more that the ops wife wanted
something to look forward to raven. She wasn't allowed. I would think a lot of people get into temporary debt for holidays/house buying/improvements/education/Christmas/weddings/divorce etc.
That's how banks and credit card companies make money.

I'm just of the old-fashioned (I guess) view that if you're too poor to afford a holiday you need to save your money to make sure you can feed yourself.

If she had had her way, then OP wouldn't have been "allowed" to save money. When there are 2 people making a decision, that's how it goes - both have to agree or it doesn't happen.