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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wife and I drifting apart - heart break

116 replies

Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 08:40

Hello, I'm writing this to reach out to anyone, perhaps woman who are in a similar situation.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, married for 5. We have 2 beautiful young kids. Most of my adult life I've suffered , to varying degrees, with depression and severe mood swings. I've tried my best to limit the impact on my wife but inevitably she has been affected. The pressure of balancing work with family home life, 2 young kids has taken it's toll. It all came to a head a few months back when one of my mood swings 'broke' her , as she put it. Now, she barely talks to me, holding herself back, not letting me in emotionally and only talking really about the kids or when something needs planned, usually around the kids. We never seem to be natural round each other, where once conversation flowed easily and where we could just be 'us'. Now, it's like we are strangers and it's breaking my heart. I am broken also. We are going to councelling but so far hasn't really helped other than highlight that we are on different pages of a very big book, drifted apart is really where we are at. I love her so much, but it's so hard when we both feel suppressed and not allowing our true personalities to shine round each other.

There has been talk of separation, but it would mean me leaving the home (best for the kids) but I have nowhere to go and can't afford to rent and pay the mortgage on the house. The thought of which kills me, as I wouldn't see the kids daily. They are my life.

That aside, I'm feeling a lot more positive in my head, and my wife knows this, but she is struggling to come to terms with things and I fear there is no way back.

I'm reaching out to anyone who this resonates with. I need a perspective on things, from any stand point. I, We, need help.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 28/03/2019 18:13

Remember that percentage-wise, most users here are likely to be straight females, and many of us on this particular board are here to moan about our shitty partners, who happen to be men. Sometimes it can be difficult not to project a tiny bit...

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/03/2019 18:21

I'm a man therefore I must be a completel bastard.

Not everyone here is female. Answer me this, how is a partner being subjected to repeated mood swings over many years anything other than emotional abuse? You can blame it on your depression but that old "not my fault guv" line doesn't cut it with me. You've managed to hold down a job so presumably you manage to control your mood swings when it suits you. Take responsibilty for how you've treated her and quit making excuses. I know, I'm wrong just like everyone else that has dared to not fall for your petted lip act.

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 18:26

I'm a man therefore I must be a completel bastard.

Another way for you not to have to face up to what you did/are doing to your wife.

Nobody has called you a complete bastard, yet your defensive sneeriness means that instead of listening and taking on board what your behaviour looks like, you’re dismissing people as bitter.

Can’t you see how selfish and unaware that is? And your wife has had to live with that and all your other shit for years!

If she wants out then she wants out. And nobody could blame her.

purplepears · 28/03/2019 18:37

I imagine she's just had enough of you. It all sounds like the last few years have been miserable. She has no belief or trust in the 'new better you' and that's her prerogative.
She wants happiness and contentment and all you've shown her (till now when it is going to impact you) is depression and a dull existence.
She's had to be very independent to cope with all this so probably doesn't need you either.
If you love someone set them free.

poglets · 28/03/2019 18:53

I have all the sympathy in the world for mental health issues but you should be told that they impact everyone around you.

Your mental health doesn't dictate the household for all time. At some point other people take control and live their life - and your wife also has children to think about.

Remember this. You should be doing everything you can to sort your mental health needs. For you, for your children and for your wife. Otherwise, people will eventually act.

This is life.

VeronicaDinner · 28/03/2019 18:55

You'll get nothing but people taking out their frustrations on you, OP. This board is a hive mind.

It sounds to me like you need counselling as a couple.

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 18:57

A hive mind who managed to read the whole thread seeing that they are, in fact, having counselling.

Imagine that...

Original poster

Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 19:03

I'm reading everything posted, really I am. But some of the responses are borderline aggressive towards me when all I've done is post my thoughts.

Alot of the posters are bitter. Can't help that you've been treated probably alot worse than what's happening in my situation. Don't paint me.with the same brush

OP posts:

Original poster

Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 19:05

"You'll get nothing but people taking out their frustrations on you, OP. This board is a hive mind"

Dam rite, whole new world of women just waiting to pounce on their next forum victim

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 19:08

I’m married to a wonderful man, OP, who has never mistreated me. I have no reason to be bitter.

Again, you’re just wallowing in a victim mentality you’re being mean to meeeee.

You really do need to grow up! If your reaction to this thread is any indication of what you’re like then I genuinely pity your wife. I really do.

There’s nothing more off-putting than a person who constantly casts himself in the role of victim. Add to that your “mood swings” and behaviours that “broke” her - don’t you think she deserves better than that?

Oh, and that same DH has been diagnosed with depression and I have lived with him through really tough times. He’s never used it as an excuse to treat me like shit.

Your illness didn’t mistreat your wife. YOU did.

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 19:09

Dam rite, whole new world of women just waiting to pounce on their next forum victim

And there it is.

One poster who didn’t even bother reading your thread gives you a crumb of what you’re looking for; sympathy and infantilising, and you ignore actual advice.

Original poster

Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 19:15

"Oh, and that same DH has been diagnosed with depression and I have lived with him through really tough times. He’s never used it as an excuse to treat me like shit"

Well good for you for sticking with him. But as you'll know, mental health affects each and every one of us in different ways. You have no idea about mine and my past.
I've never once made.any excuses for my actions. Your making assumptions

OP posts:

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 28/03/2019 19:17

She's always tired, she says she 'broken' - I think it sounds as though the relationship is over. You can't convince someone to love you just because they used to, it sounds as though she's had to deal with absolutely everything for so long that she doesn't feel the same way about you any longer. It's wonderful that you're now in a good place MH-wise, but it sounds as though she's not.

Have you asked her what she wants?

Springwalk · 28/03/2019 19:18

Have you been to the doctors and do you either have medication or counselling as a result of your visits to the doctor?

I can't see anywhere on the thread forgive me if I have missed it, that you are receiving proper medical care for your depression. The idea you can power through with exercise is for the birds if it is wrecking your life.

If you want to keep your wife, your home and your children then you have to apologise to your wife in full, and tell her things that you never allow things to sink to that level again, and mean it. If you are ill, you should have a plan with your doctor, with a view to shielding your wife and children from the fallout and how you can be best supported outside the home.

For your wife to describe herself as broken from your actions is very telling.

Start gently. Take her out for dinner, light candles, write her letters telling her how much you love her. Make her dinner. Do more than 50% of the chores do them all. Buy her flowers every single day. Book the holiday of her dreams, even if the credit card suffers. Hold her, hug her, kiss her and gradually increase your affection to proper intimacy. Don't give up. There is still time to turn this around, but you have to put the effort in.

This is the moment to step up and save your marriage. You can do this.

Good luck.

Original poster

Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 19:18

"One poster who didn’t even bother reading your thread gives you a crumb of what you’re looking for; sympathy and infantilising, and you ignore actual advice"

It's the one poster who isn't jumping on the bandwagon

OP posts:

Original poster

Needfull1 · 28/03/2019 19:21

Springwalk, thank you for your message.

Yes, I'm seeking medical help ontop of exercise and self help, and in turn my family is seeing the benefits of a better me

OP posts:

trendingorange · 28/03/2019 19:27

Need you obviously aren't here liking for advice, you just wanted a couple of ideas of how to trick your long suffering wife into continuing to be your long suffering wife.
You sound arrogant as fuck ooops obviously aggressive bitter woman here!

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 19:32

Good god! This woman has been emotionally abused for years, and describes herself as broken. But buy her flowers and light some candles and everything will be fine!

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 19:34

It's the one poster who isn't jumping on the bandwagon

So, instead of thinking that maybe a consensus means we recognize your behaviours as really bad for your wife and children, you’ve decided that everyone who doesn’t fawn over you with sympathetic tuts are on a bitter, man-hating bandwagon? I mean, really???

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 28/03/2019 20:03

OP I have been where your wife is. You are in denial. Funnily enough my ex used to act like you did whenever I told him something that he didn't want to hear; he'd ignore it, guilt trip me about it, accuse me of being deliberately argumentative.

Unfortunately a lot of the things he didn't want to hear was about how unhappy I was, how I just wanted him to LISTEN to me and actually consider my feelings occasionally, things that might have actually saved our relationship if he'd just gotten over himself for five minutes.

LISTEN TO HER.

Bathtime17 · 28/03/2019 20:05

This thread is insane. I can only see a few pieces of advice but it’s mostly folk telling this guy what a dick he is.
OP the fact that you posted asking for help suggests a real willingness to change- a person who does not care about their wife and family wouldn’t give a damn about their wife feeling “broken”.
The other fact that you would leave the house to your children and not disrupt their lives even though it would leave you destitute is also a sign that you are a good person who cares.

I think that a real, honest conversation between the two of you is the only thing needed. I know you do counselling but maybe if you can find a way to be completely vulnerable and tell your wife how sorry you are and listen to what she wants you can understand each other more. It will take brutal honesty.

However, people fall out of love with each other for much less, so if indeed your wife is honest with you, you need to hear that too and respect her wishes. It will hurt like hell but you can salvage a good relationship with her from this.

Keep taking care of yourself, no matter what your children need their father to be a good role model and a source of strength.

I hope your family can find their way back to happiness.

HomoHeinekenensis · 28/03/2019 20:06

You yourself have said you were in denial for years and hadn't realised the full effect of your state of mind and mood swings on your wife.
Many posters, myself included are trying to point out that from your own posts , it appears that you have woken up but only when she has actually made a decision herself. Prior to this moment you happily held all the cards and made no effort to change. When your wife slaps the cards from your hand and you see them metaphorically spread on the floor you appear to suddenly wake up. We are trying to get you to see this so you can take this personality trait into consideration on whatever path you choose.

Dadaist · 28/03/2019 20:08

There’s also a relationship dynamic OP. Right now your DW is being cold and unnatural toward you, and you are hurting. I think that’s really bad for your mental health and it’s unkind of her too.
If it’s been going on for months it’s also abusive.
There are all kinds of circumstances and scenarios that can be superimposed on what you’ve described and it ranges from your unreasonable behaviour destroying your marriage to your DWs silent treatment driving you to depression and mood swings and all manner in between. I don’t know what is true in your case but you need to be able to discuss things openly I guess?

ravenmum · 28/03/2019 20:09

My exh was a right shit and I was extremely bitter, not sure what that proves

OP, you seem to be concentrating / replying to the negative comments, do yourself a favour and focus on the positive. It's a useful tactic to help deal with depression, and being defensive just gives the naysayers ammunition. Show us what a lovely guy you are really by acting lovely.

ravenmum · 28/03/2019 20:10

The OP can hardly go back in time and change it so that he realised what was going on before it was to late, so repeatedly berating him about that is perhaps a bit pointless?

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