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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm like an elephant, apparently?

128 replies

blondey123 · 27/03/2019 08:09

Last night I crawled in to bed, and tried to have sex with my husband. His response was to push me off, and say something along the lines of "it's like a fat elephant got in to bed and tried to have sex with me"

I immediately left the bed, and slept all night in the spare room.

I was drunk and probably very clumsy in my approach. He was sober. For context, whilst I have been as small as a size 8 and 9 stone, I am currently a size 14 and about 10.5 stone. Certainly not massive! But I definitely have a belly.

I have no idea how we can come back from this. Our sex life was fantastic for a few months a while back (no idea why, as he normally has a low sex drive), but since the middle of February it's been shit, and we've only had sex once in the past 6 weeks. I have put on some weight, but we are talking about half a stone, not masses.

He is still asleep (he doesn't start work today until 1pm). How do I deal with this when he gets up? I feel that if I let this slide, I'll have no self esteem left! Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:

tomhazard · 27/03/2019 08:11

That was a really nasty thing to say. Probably best that you didn't have sex when you were drunk and he wasn't, but very hurtful thing for him to say. I would call him out on it and ask him to explain what he meant. If for any inexplicable reason he has a problem with your weight then he should talk to you directly not make snide comments in bed. What a dick.

LovingLola · 27/03/2019 08:16

I think you need to apologise to him for trying to force sex on him when he didn’t want it. Hopefully he will be forgiving. As part of that conversation you can discuss why he said what he did.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/03/2019 08:19

tbh although he was clumsy in what he said I would be pissed off if dp was drunk and he got into bed and climbed on top of me. I think you owe him an apology.

FriarTuck · 27/03/2019 08:21

I'd assume it's that you were drunk & clumsy - unless you're both like that it's pretty hideous. Horrible thing to say admittedly, but if you'd slid seductively into bed sober you'd likely have got a different reaction!
You apologise for your side and hope he apologises back. If he doesn't then mention (without accusing) that you were hurt by his words.

SmallFastPenguin · 27/03/2019 08:22

It doesnt sound like she tried to force him, he could have just said no without the nasty insult.

Isadora2007 · 27/03/2019 08:23

Why were you drunk? Was he asleep when you came in? In what way did you try to have sex with him? What he said was horrible, but instead of focusing on the “fat” aspect- try to figure out what his actual issue was- your drinking? Your approach? Being woken up? Feeling like you are too focussed on sex? It sounds like there are a whole host of other issues going on here so take the focus off the fat thing or you will get off track and miss the real issues needing addressed. I’d waken him up at 10 so he has time to talk.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2019 08:25

It was a horrible comment and I'd struggle to forgive it.

Separately, what does 'tried to have sex' mean? Because there's a huge difference between slipping into bed and kissing someone and slipping into bed and grabbing things. IYSWIM. one is fine, the other is not and if DH was 'clumsy', drunk and aggressive in bed he'd get called worse than an elephant.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 27/03/2019 08:26

I don think OP being drunk and clumsy has anything to do with it. He could have refused sex without being nasty about it.

SerenaOverjoyed · 27/03/2019 08:27

I don't think it's rude for a drunk person to clumisly attempt seduction. I wouldn't apologise for this unless I behaved badly or really disturbed his sleep.

I'd expect an apology for the shitty elephant comment. He could have just said no thanks, I don't feel like sex right now. If an apology doesn't come you should explain he may not (hopefully) have meant to but he really hurt your feelings.

Duchessgummybuns · 27/03/2019 08:27

I thought when I opened the thread it was going to be because you never forget or somesuch. What a horrible thing to say! If he didn’t want to have sex he could have let you down much more gently.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/03/2019 08:34

Most married people have sex without a written contract every time , one of them generally instigates it without specifically asking for consent first and sometimes one or both are a tad drunk...shocking I know!

🙄🙄🙄

What he said was really horrible & there’s no room for that kind of nastiness in a relationship. As he doesn’t want to sleep with a ‘fat elephant’, HE can go & sleep in the spare room. I’m not sure if you can get past it or not. I guess it depends on what he says today, if anything.

You’re nowhere near a ‘fat elephant’ 🌷

(Even if you were 600lb, there’s still NO place in a relationship for that kind of nasty comment).

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/03/2019 08:36

He sounds a delight - not. What a horrible thing to say - I would struggle to come back from a comment like that. You are defo not over-reacting. He should apologise big time

Whoops75 · 27/03/2019 08:37

I wouldn’t wake a sleeping person for sex unless it was something we did regularly.

I think ye owe each other an apology

PlasticPatty · 27/03/2019 08:38

He's dead. As far as you are concerned, he's dead. The relationship is dead. Remove the corpse from your environment, they're not healthy to have around.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2019 08:42

They've had sex once in the last six weeks. He has low sex drive. So yes, seeking consent (implied, rather than written, hyperbole much?) is a good idea.

Wheresthebeach · 27/03/2019 08:42

That's a horrible thing to say and frankly I don't think there's an excuse for it.

If you behaved badly he should have told you that he didn't want sex as you were drunk, and that you should go to sleep. Then a talk in the morning to sort things out. No need to be so hurtful and nasty. Does he often talk to you like that, or is this a one off?

ferntwist · 27/03/2019 08:42

That’s so cruel. Has he done or said things like this in the past? It’s not normal and you should never have to hear this again.

TheNavigator · 27/03/2019 08:43

Jesus, folks, lighten up. I have frequently crawled into bed after a drink & tried it on with DH - it is completely normal in my (long and happy) marriage. The fact he was sober makes his nasty comment even more vicious.

OP, you hit the nail on the head when you said you had to protect your self esteem. He does not want sex and he is blaming you for that rather than looking for the reasons in himself. The lack of sex will chip away at you in any case and if he adds insults to the rejection I am not sure your self esteem can and will survive.

I think you need a calm and non judgemental conversation about your future - mismatched libidos can be a deal breaker long term and it may be this relationship has run its course. If so, far better to try and do that humanely than with childish insults. Take care xxxx

Original poster

blondey123 · 27/03/2019 08:47

I think you need to apologise to him for trying to force sex on him when he didn’t want it

Eh? I tried to initiate sex. If nobody ever did so in a relationship, for fear of it being "forcing", then no one would ever have sex.

He was half asleep. I was tipsy, as I'd had a few glasses of wine.

His sex drive is low. Mine is high. I am extremely frustrated at the moment, as sex has been very infrequent. Sorry for TMI, but we did have sex 2 days ago, and he climaxed (I didn't), then he jumped out of bed, as he needed to be somewhere, so yes, I've been even more frustrated. Not that this is the point really, but I suppose it is relevant (to me).

I don't know how I can be normal with him today, after such a horrid comment, not without compromising on how I value myself.

For context, he is 20 stone, so there is the whole pot/kettle element. I still fancy the pants off him though. And I would never call him a fat elephant.

He is normally so lovely, which is why I am even more floored by this. I am so hurt.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2019 08:48

He's been really unkind to you
I think you need to tell him how much he's hurt your feelings. What a twat.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2019 08:49

I have frequently crawled into bed after a drink & tried it on with DH - it is completely normal in my (long and happy) marriage.

Perfectly normal in mine too. DH is 100% on board with it. OP's is not. Whips and chains could be OK in your marriage, doesn't mean they are in everyone's. Consent can be implied, given prior, all sorts of lovely consensual stuff. But a partner with a low sex drive, not frequent, asleep? There appears to be no consent here. Of any kind.

Mememeplease · 27/03/2019 08:49

That's so cruel. He should absolutely be full of groveling apologies today.
If he's normally respectful and is apologetic then maybe you can discuss the situation and both learn from it. After all you were inconsiderate as well. If he's not remorseful then I think that could be a deal breaker.

sar302 · 27/03/2019 08:51

I wouldn't be thrilled if my husband tried to initiate sex when he was drunk and I was half asleep, but I'd just tell him to bugger off, I wouldn't sink to personal insults. He was out of line.

That being said, frustration can build on both sides when sex drives become mismatched. Have you had a chat about it?

chatwoo · 27/03/2019 08:51

@Isadora2007

@blondey123 that was a nasty thing to say, there's no excuse. I would bring it up and say that it was a unkind comment which made you feel negative about yourself. Press him to explain why.

Original poster

blondey123 · 27/03/2019 08:51

I think I will just keep myself to myself. He leaves for work at 12.30 and he's still in bed. Will move in to the spare room, and be in bed by the time he is home (9.30pm)

I have tried to initiate sex so many times, and been knocked back.

What is even more bizarre, is that from Christmas to mid February, he turned in to a different man. Wanted sex almost daily. Which I always obliged. It was fantastic. Then, just after Valentines, it's like a switch was turned off. No kissing, no hugs, no sex. I am so fucking confused. And now this.

OP posts:

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