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Original poster

I'm like an elephant, apparently?

128 replies

blondey123 · 27/03/2019 08:09

Last night I crawled in to bed, and tried to have sex with my husband. His response was to push me off, and say something along the lines of "it's like a fat elephant got in to bed and tried to have sex with me"

I immediately left the bed, and slept all night in the spare room.

I was drunk and probably very clumsy in my approach. He was sober. For context, whilst I have been as small as a size 8 and 9 stone, I am currently a size 14 and about 10.5 stone. Certainly not massive! But I definitely have a belly.

I have no idea how we can come back from this. Our sex life was fantastic for a few months a while back (no idea why, as he normally has a low sex drive), but since the middle of February it's been shit, and we've only had sex once in the past 6 weeks. I have put on some weight, but we are talking about half a stone, not masses.

He is still asleep (he doesn't start work today until 1pm). How do I deal with this when he gets up? I feel that if I let this slide, I'll have no self esteem left! Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
blondey123 · 27/03/2019 08:56

I am actually speechless. I feel like this massive wall has come up.

About 5 years ago, I made a comment to him about his weight. It's the only time I have. He moaned about that for about 4 years. Confused

OP posts:
LucheroTena · 27/03/2019 08:57

How do you get on otherwise? Do you laugh, get on well?

I don’t know how you come back from such a horrible comment. And the fact he was sober when he said it and didn’t rush to apologise after you left speaks volumes.

Do you think he might be having an affair? The sudden interest in sex and now that stopping and nasty comments which push you away are typical red flags for this.

Bluerussian · 27/03/2019 08:59

A very nasty thing to say - next he'll probably tell you you need to be more thick skinned!

Babdoc · 27/03/2019 09:02

I’m struggling to see why you’re still with a massively obese man who doesn’t want sex and insults you for trying? Does he have any redeeming features?

BarbarianMum · 27/03/2019 09:03

If your sex drives are mismatched then you have to talk about it. Right now you're massively frustrated and he likely feels like he's being pestered for sex. That's not a sustainable way to run a relationship.

fillmyglassplease · 27/03/2019 09:03

Are you sure he was referring to your weight?

I often say things like 'sounded like an elephant coming up the stairs' or 'you were snoring like a dinosaur'.

You may have just been very clumsy and moved heavily because you'd had a couple?

juneau · 27/03/2019 09:05

He's 20 stone and he called you a fat elephant? Bloody hypocrite.

That low sex drive and his high weight are probably linked. I'd encourage him to go and see the doctor about his health tbh. He sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen.

Badwifey · 27/03/2019 09:07

Given his own weight... I don't think he meant it in that way... more like you want stumbling and clumsy and not very graceful.

You do need to speak to him about it and I think your moving to the spare room without talking to him first is a bit attention seeking and childish.

I don't mind my husband waking me when he's a bit drunk.. (that's usually when he declares his undying love for me) but I don't want to have sex while he's sloppy and drunk and I'm not. It's not attractive.

Singlenotsingle · 27/03/2019 09:11

He's 20 stone, and he calls you an elephant!! You're tiny compared to him! Shock He's a whale! There are some problems there and it's nothing to do with your weight, is it? Not sure exactly what it is but most men would be grateful to be woken up with the offer of sex.

pissedonatrain · 27/03/2019 09:12

It was mean of him to insult you like that. He could have just said no and left it at that.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 27/03/2019 09:15

What stands out to me is that you want sex more frequently than he does. Do you think he might have purposely insulted you in order to upset you, so that you stop trying to initiate sex?
Being 20 stone is likely to affect both his libido and his ability to maintain an erection. Perhaps insulting you is easier than discussing that?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/03/2019 09:15

The comment was hurtful, but I’d have been livid if my husband crawled into bed drunk and started trying to have sex with me when I was half asleep.

You were both in the wrong.

GoldenHour · 27/03/2019 09:20

What he said to you was vile, but you need to ask yourself why he jumped to such mean language so quickly. Is he always like this? Was this a one off? If it's a one off what was it about this situation that caused such a reaction and reflect upon that (while expecting an apology of course but willing to give one too).

Is it normal for you to be drunk on a Tuesday?

I can't help but think reactions would be slightly different if it was a man trying to get the woman to have sex, it sounds like he emphatically didn't want to have sex and went too far to get you off but was clearly quite uncomfortable.

AnxietycanFoff · 27/03/2019 09:22

I don't think you owe him an apology at all OP, assuming that you simply tried to initiate sex and didn't keep touching him after he said he wasn't in the mood. What happened exactly?

He clearly owes you an apology and actually, an explanation. Where did that comment come from? Why did his sex drive go up so much, which was really out of character and then back down again? I would also be a bit suspicious of that, as a pp has already mentioned.

When he said this horrible thing, was he laughing? Did he say it with anger? Did he look disgusted?... Did he look sorry?

GabsAlot · 27/03/2019 09:24

hes got a cheek 20 stone and called u an elephant

nometal · 27/03/2019 09:24

"I can't help but think reactions would be slightly different if it was a man trying to get the woman to have sex

You and me both. Plus, we don't know the OP's husband is obese. He could be an eight foot tall bodybuilder.

HollowTalk · 27/03/2019 09:24

So he has a low sex drive, he's abusive in the way he talks to you and when you do have sex with him he jumps out of bed, leaving you frustrated?

What exactly are this man's good points?

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/03/2019 09:27

Of course you dont need to apologise - for what, finding your partner attractive? He should be bloody happy about that. He absolutely should apologise for his comments. Totally unpleasant. All he had to say was, I am not in the mood just now darling, or words to that effect. You do need to discuss the mismatched sex drives though - that will continue to cause bother if you dont address it

juneau · 27/03/2019 09:31

Plus, we don't know the OP's husband is obese. He could be an eight foot tall bodybuilder.

Sure - and the chances of that are ... pretty much zero!

Original poster
blondey123 · 27/03/2019 09:33

He's up.

He says that isn't what he said. He says that he said "It was like an elephant coming in to the room", rather than the way I remember it. He said I was knocking things over. I don't believe this, as there isn't anything "knocked over" in the room.

He has shown no remorse and has now gone off to the living room, and isn't making any attempt to sort this out.

Yes, to PP who asked, we normally get along great, however, the lack of sex is becoming a big issue again. I have told him that his high sex drive for a few weeks, and me never saying no, which has now changed to no sex, makes me feel used and also like I've been dropped like a stone. He says it's because he is stressed with his job. Sex once in 6 weeks is killing me.

OP posts:
Itssosunny · 27/03/2019 09:34

Maybe he said it because he didn't want to have sex considering his low sex drive (who knows if he felt annoyed) but he could have worded it differently without insults.

M3lon · 27/03/2019 09:37

stop being a sex pest op.

If the relationship isn't working for you due to lack of sex then break it off. Trying to pressure someone into sex all the time is a genuinely horrible thing to do.

Or you could..you know..masturbate?

whatdoidonowMN · 27/03/2019 09:38

OP, I really think this could be miscommunication. I would refer to my stick thin DH as an elephant if he did this, or fat lump and I can imagine him saying the same. We call our 5kg dog a fat lump. It's not because any of us are even slightly overweight, we are all thin so we'd know what it meant quite quickly.

What I think has happened here is you're insecure about 2 things, 1) your dwindling sex life and 2) your change in weight. So I think the alcohol has caused your mind to be high alert and it hurt you. I would try to let this comment go. 10.5 stone is not big in the slightest and you're half his weight, so he has no right to call you fat or reference your weight so maybe wires have just got crossed.

I'd be inclined to let this one go but use it to have a proper conversation. Explain that you're sexually frustrated because you fancy him so much so took it quite personally when he said as he did?

Good luck, I'm sure he thinks you're gorgeous :)

whatdoidonowMN · 27/03/2019 09:39

Shock have I just made it sound like my dog is a sex pest? hahahaha

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 09:42

Plus, we don't know the OP's husband is obese. He could be an eight foot tall bodybuilder.

Suuure.