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Original poster

I'm like an elephant, apparently?

128 replies

blondey123 · 27/03/2019 08:09

Last night I crawled in to bed, and tried to have sex with my husband. His response was to push me off, and say something along the lines of "it's like a fat elephant got in to bed and tried to have sex with me"

I immediately left the bed, and slept all night in the spare room.

I was drunk and probably very clumsy in my approach. He was sober. For context, whilst I have been as small as a size 8 and 9 stone, I am currently a size 14 and about 10.5 stone. Certainly not massive! But I definitely have a belly.

I have no idea how we can come back from this. Our sex life was fantastic for a few months a while back (no idea why, as he normally has a low sex drive), but since the middle of February it's been shit, and we've only had sex once in the past 6 weeks. I have put on some weight, but we are talking about half a stone, not masses.

He is still asleep (he doesn't start work today until 1pm). How do I deal with this when he gets up? I feel that if I let this slide, I'll have no self esteem left! Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Cherylshaw · 27/03/2019 09:44

I don't think op has to apologise! Trying to force him to have sex was not the first thing that sprang to my head when reading the post! Fs
People are so quick to assume sexual assault these days.
Your husband was out of order in what he said and I would really struggle to feel attractive and confident around him after saying something like that. Arsehole

Itssosunny · 27/03/2019 09:45

You did whatdoidonowMN Grin

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 09:47

His comment was horrible and taken about pot kettle given his weight. But the main issue seems to be the mismatch of sex drives.

Your moral options are to;

A. End the relationship and try to find someone with a better matched sex drive.

B. Use a vibrator and whatever erotic you choose (if you're inclined to it).

C. Agree to an open relationship.

Your immoral option is to cheat/ get a fwb.

AnxietycanFoff · 27/03/2019 09:47

Hmm tbh, I think his explanation does sound plausible. Perhaps you were a lot louder and clumsier than you thought and so he was comparing the stomping around to that of an elephant, rather than your weight.

Or he did mean it as you took it and he's not good at admitting he's in the wrong, in which case he's an arsehole on two levels.

Either way though, even if it is the former and he thinks you took it in the wrong way, he should be upset for upsetting you and kindly explaining that, of course that's not what he meant! If you call someone an elephant, it's pretty much always a referral to their weight, so he should understand that.

There's a lot going on here though. You clearly can't continue as you are.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 09:47

*talk about

FullOfJellyBeans · 27/03/2019 09:49

I think you need to apologise to him for trying to force sex on him when he didn’t want it. Hopefully he will be forgiving. As part of that conversation you can discuss why he said what he did.

God what a stupid reply. There's nothing wrong with someone initiating sex. There's nothing wrong with the other person declining. My DH is often amorous after a night out with his friends. Sometimes I'm receptive, sometimes I'm not - as long as he took no for an answer I have no problem with him trying. It would be very unusual in a marriage to need to formally request sex in advance.

It was a really nasty response from him and obviously betrays some deeper issue. Perhaps he feels guilty about his low sex drive and his trying to displace those feelings onto you making it your fault. I would try and have a calm discussion. Explain how you felt and ask why he said it.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 09:49

Op specified 'fat elephant' so he definitely specified weight, not just noise/clumsiness.

Namechange8471 · 27/03/2019 09:50

Leave the fat twat and find someone wh9 appreciates you.

Namechange8471 · 27/03/2019 09:51

At 20st he's the fucking elephant!

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 09:52

I'm actually just incredibly impressed with ops horniness and open-mindedness, if that's the right word, in wanting to have sex with a 20 stone partner; to be honest I couldn't.

nometal · 27/03/2019 09:53

"Sure - and the chances of that are ... pretty much zero!"

I don't know. It could be the steroids causing the low sex drive. He must have run out of them after Christmas and got a new supply in mid February.

M3lon · 27/03/2019 09:55

yes - that's just what people say when a woman comes on here upset because her husband tried it on AGAIN while drunk when she's already explained a million times that work stress is killing her sex drive...they definitely focus on how impressive the DH's sex drive is given they wouldn't want to sleep with the OP.

MN is so sexist sometimes.

BlackPrism · 27/03/2019 09:56

I would have a conversation about it and would expect an apology. However if he was 3/4 asleep and you'd galumped drunkenly into bed then it probably just came to mind and he doesn't think that you are a fat elephant..

BlackPrism · 27/03/2019 09:59

If you don't talk to him about it then nothing will get solved and you will just see the in resentment. He may not even remember saying it if asleep

AnxietycanFoff · 27/03/2019 10:02

Morality, I've re read the OP and your right about the "fat" comment and that would certainly change things. However, OP also says he said "something along the lines of". Don't get me wrong, the word fat would certainly stick in my head, but if you're drunk, you don't always hear things correctly and I guess the words fat and elephant go together, so it's possible she subconscious added the fat bit.

I still think he sounds very insensitive though and overall, I believe he meant it as you thought it was intended. I'm just trying to look at it from another angle, just in case.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/03/2019 10:02

“I’m actually just incredibly impressed with OPs horniness and open-mindedness...in wanting to have sex with a 20 stone partner”

What a ridiculous fucking comment. If it was a “horny” man trying to jump his 20 stone wife while she was asleep and he was pissed, this place would be in absolute uproar about respect and consent and LTB. The double standards are disgusting.

AnxietycanFoff · 27/03/2019 10:03

*you're right

kingfisherblue33 · 27/03/2019 10:04

What is even more bizarre, is that from Christmas to mid February, he turned in to a different man. Wanted sex almost daily. Which I always obliged. It was fantastic. Then, just after Valentines, it's like a switch was turned off. No kissing, no hugs, no sex. I am so fucking confused. And now this.

That is bizarre. So have you spoken to him about this? Asked why this happened? Baffling.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 10:05

*yes - that's just what people say when a woman comes on here upset because her husband tried it on AGAIN while drunk when she's already explained a million times that work stress is killing her sex drive...they definitely focus on how impressive the DH's sex drive is given they wouldn't want to sleep with the OP.

MN is so sexist sometimes.*

Where did op say this was the millionth time she'd done this drunk after he'd repeatedly told her he was too stressed from work to be up for intimacy?

Plus, if a man wanted an active sex life with his 20stone female partner (and I had no indication he was especially sexually aroused by "bbw's") I would think he was very unpretentious, non judgemental, genuine - and that it was a positive thing.

Justaboy · 27/03/2019 10:07

Can't for some reason think theres an OW involved somewhere and it may not be the sex angle;(

LovingLola · 27/03/2019 10:10

What a ridiculous fucking comment. If it was a “horny” man trying to jump his 20 stone wife while she was asleep and he was pissed, this place would be in absolute uproar about respect and consent and LTB. The double standards are disgusting.

Exactly
But not surprising.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 10:11

What a ridiculous fucking comment. If it was a “horny” man trying to jump his 20 stone wife while she was asleep and he was pissed, this place would be in absolute uproar about respect and consent and LTB. The double standards are disgusting.

The consent and the weight (and double standards he's displayed over it with his comment) are two separate things.

Other posters have answered the consent issue so well that I don't need to - you'd be better to read those posts instead of spitting out the "fucking's" and going off on a moral outrage trip.

As to the weight, I stand by exactly what I've said that someone who's not significantly overweight themselves and whose partner is obese, wanting and pursuing an active sex life with them is a very unpretentious person.

The drunkenness is also a separate issue, but suffice to say that plenty of sex happens between partners across the spectrum of sober to drunk, sone people don't by mind, some do .. his comments didn't need to be so cruel.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 10:12

"some people don't mind, some do

Fannybaws52 · 27/03/2019 10:13

I think that his mean comment was said to you out of anger and annoyance and that it hit the mark because you already feel rejected and have low self esteem.

In not dealing with the underlying issues, you guys are lashing out at each other in other ways.

Sit down and talk. You make it clear that abusive, hurtful remarks are not acceptable and that you need sex and intimacy to be happy in the relationship and then you listen to his needs and wants and you meet halfway.

If he refuses to communicate or compromise, you then decide if the relationship is worth saving.

Talking is the first step. Ignoring the issues and giving him the silent treatment is just as abusive as him calling you an elephant. Two wrongs don't make a right!

Talk. Get to the real root of your problems.

M3lon · 27/03/2019 10:14

moral the OP has admitted that her DH has told her his low sex drive is due to work stress. A considerate partner would respect that...not get handsy when drunk.