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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm like an elephant, apparently?

128 replies

blondey123 · 27/03/2019 08:09

Last night I crawled in to bed, and tried to have sex with my husband. His response was to push me off, and say something along the lines of "it's like a fat elephant got in to bed and tried to have sex with me"

I immediately left the bed, and slept all night in the spare room.

I was drunk and probably very clumsy in my approach. He was sober. For context, whilst I have been as small as a size 8 and 9 stone, I am currently a size 14 and about 10.5 stone. Certainly not massive! But I definitely have a belly.

I have no idea how we can come back from this. Our sex life was fantastic for a few months a while back (no idea why, as he normally has a low sex drive), but since the middle of February it's been shit, and we've only had sex once in the past 6 weeks. I have put on some weight, but we are talking about half a stone, not masses.

He is still asleep (he doesn't start work today until 1pm). How do I deal with this when he gets up? I feel that if I let this slide, I'll have no self esteem left! Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 10:19

@M3lon

Personally I have my doubts about that, especially given the huge upsurge in his sex drive for a period this year - did he suddenly have no work stress? Does his sex drive switch on and off like a tap depending on his work situation?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 10:21

Even if that's the case, his sex drive being so vulnerable & variable to work stress means he and op, with her quite high, steady sex drive are mismatched.

AnxietycanFoff · 27/03/2019 10:21

M3, so if someone has a low sex drive, their partner respects that by never instigating sex?

Cherylshaw · 27/03/2019 10:24

So if your partner has a low sex drive you should never initiate sex and have a sexless marriage ... Ok

AnxietycanFoff · 27/03/2019 10:25

Cheryl, apparently Hmm

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 10:25

It's horrible for anyone to be repeatedly rejected for sex, sober or drunk (and as I said many many sexual encounters between couples take place with one or both under the influence, the lack of inhibition and the spike in testosterone for women make it more likely in fact - and it doesn't cause this problem).

There's that and then you add derogatory, hurtful, offensive, hypocritical (about 'fat elephant') comments to it ... Not good whether from make to female or vice versa.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 27/03/2019 10:26

IME even if drunk you know deep down what was said if it stung - OP do you know that he said what you mentioned in your original post? Or do you think you may have misheard it?

You sounded very sure in your first post but I know it's tempting sometimes to take someone's excuse because the reality of their behaviour is so hurtful.

If you know he did say it then I would find it really hard to get past - it's a nasty and cruel comment that doesn't sound casually jokey, just mean.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2019 10:28

Op could you have misinterpreted what he said as you were drunk?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 10:30

The male poster seems to be getting at the temporary rise in op's partner's sex drive, alongside his indifference (and derogatory comment) now - as being indicative of an affair, I dont know about that and hope it's not the case.

He wouldn't have gotten a hold of ed/sex drive medication and used it for a while, but stopped for some reason, would he op?

He isn't taking antidepressants of other medication and stopped around that period?

downcasteyes · 27/03/2019 10:36

"Sorry for TMI, but we did have sex 2 days ago, and he climaxed (I didn't), then he jumped out of bed, as he needed to be somewhere, so yes, I've been even more frustrated."

Your partner isn't just an arsehole to you (calling you an elephant is beyond the pale) but an extremely selfish lover. It's not "work stress" to get your kicks and then leave your partner hanging.

Is this relationship really worth it?

Snowflakes1122 · 27/03/2019 10:45

That was very hurtful for you Sad

OP-you say he isn’t usually like this. How often are you drinking? Could this be a part of the issue?

Mookatron · 27/03/2019 10:56

You need to talk about the sex. I believe him about the elephant remark but if you don't you have to tell him how it made you feel. The only way to sort this out is to get to the bottom of what's going on with his sex drive. And if he won't talk about it, you have to decide what the future of your relationship is.

As an aside, people calling the husband a fat elephant etc can just fuck off. That is no better than the other way round.

SkinnyPete · 27/03/2019 11:02

so if someone has a low sex drive, their partner respects that by never instigating sex?

That's the end state of a big mismatch though.

The instigating partner eventually stops wanting to be hurt by being routinely turned down, and takes their self esteem and buries it.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 11:15

As an aside, people calling the husband a fat elephant etc can just fuck off. That is no better than the other way round.

A 20 stone person calling another person (who's not especially overweight) a fat elephant can take back what they've given out, whether they're on this thread reading it or not.

SurgeHopper · 27/03/2019 11:18

Sounds awful

Mookatron · 27/03/2019 11:22

can take back what they've given out, whether they're on this thread reading it or not.

Because describing your chosen life partner with competitive contempt is the way to fix a marriage.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 11:26

Because describing your chosen life partner with competitive contempt is the way to fix a marriage.

Where did op do that?!

She just said he's 20 stone and implied his offensive comment to her was ironic or that he's not in much of a position to be criticising other's weight.

If posters on here say it, that's up to them; and rather understandable.

Mookatron · 27/03/2019 11:28

I didn't say she did. People on the thread did. I don't think anyone should be calling anyone else a fat elephant and I don't think namecalling someone else's husband in that way is supportive. It is of course their prerogative as it is mine to tell them to fuck off.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 11:31

Not quite sure how op and her husband are going to fix their marriage anyway - you can't couple-counsel your way to a higher sex drive for one partner. Putting pressure on someone to increase their sex drive generally has the opposite effect.

You can perhaps couple-counsel your way to making one partner give a fuck about the other one's orgasm; though I don't hold of it much hope.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 11:33

your chosen life partner

That means OP either has or will describe her partner with contempt. He's not the chosen life partner of any posters on here, not are they describing their chosen life partners (!)

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 11:34

So who else could you possibly have been referring to?

She hasn't done so and has given no indication she will.

Mookatron · 27/03/2019 11:35

Well I don't disagree with you there. But there must be some reason for the pick up in sex drive earlier in the year. Good luck getting to the bottom of it OP.

Mookatron · 27/03/2019 11:38

Just saw your last two rather aggressive and lawyerly posts Moralitym1n1.

I am, as you well know, objecting to others on the thread referring to anyone as a 'fat elephant' as if it is a reasonable way to refer to anyone. For clarity: it is neither reasonable nor helpful to the OP.

Hearhere · 27/03/2019 11:43

You are sexually incompatible, there is no mutual acceptable compromise

ittakes2 · 27/03/2019 11:48

Sorry as an aside has he had his testosterone checked? It can decrease with being overweight and affects libido.