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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm like an elephant, apparently?

128 replies

blondey123 · 27/03/2019 08:09

Last night I crawled in to bed, and tried to have sex with my husband. His response was to push me off, and say something along the lines of "it's like a fat elephant got in to bed and tried to have sex with me"

I immediately left the bed, and slept all night in the spare room.

I was drunk and probably very clumsy in my approach. He was sober. For context, whilst I have been as small as a size 8 and 9 stone, I am currently a size 14 and about 10.5 stone. Certainly not massive! But I definitely have a belly.

I have no idea how we can come back from this. Our sex life was fantastic for a few months a while back (no idea why, as he normally has a low sex drive), but since the middle of February it's been shit, and we've only had sex once in the past 6 weeks. I have put on some weight, but we are talking about half a stone, not masses.

He is still asleep (he doesn't start work today until 1pm). How do I deal with this when he gets up? I feel that if I let this slide, I'll have no self esteem left! Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 12:04

Nook - they're not aggressive, they're frustrated - because what you said made no sense (you referred to someone calling their life partner fat etc. even though op hasn't, or given any indication she will and the posters saying it in indignantly on her behalf are not referring to their life partners either). Now you seem to be saying "well it's not helpful for posters to say that about op's life partner" - I mean, who wouldn't get frustrated.

Also posters calling him a fat elephant/whale whatever in response to what he called her ... That's extremely mild compared to what many posters call people's partners on here (!) and as I said, understandable.

Lawyerly Confused. If that's what you being forced to break down something that doesn't make any sense.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 12:05

.. is called, then so be it.

Fairenuff · 27/03/2019 12:16

Sex once in 6 weeks is killing me.

So leave him and find someone more compatible.

If a man made that statement he would be handed his arse.

Mookatron · 27/03/2019 12:24

Moralitym1n1 Perhaps my use of the word 'your' should have been replaced with 'the OP's'. I didn't know my posts would be under forensic scrutiny but I will in future endeavour to be more precise. My point was that it is unhelpful to just reflect the insult. It's just a bit 'your mum'. I will admit that as a fat person myself I find the fat bashing on Mumsnet personally upsetting. Of course I would never refer to anyone else as an elephant but I don't think the best way of dealing with it is a direct insult, however well it hits the mark. And I would not want to hear other people do the same about my chosen life partner.

As for 'lawyerly' I merely meant your style of behaving as if we are making statements in a court of law for the judgement of a jury rather than attempting to give advice on an internet forum.

I should imagine you will insist on having the last word on this but I'm off.

OP I hope you can have a chat with your H and come to a solution of some sort.

Hearhere · 27/03/2019 12:27

No one has a right to a fulfilling sex life, but if you want a fulfilling sex life then you will need to find a partner or partners with whom you are compatible and you will need to nurture the relationship that you have with them

deydododatdodontdeydo · 27/03/2019 12:37

No one "needs" sex.
No one has the right to someone else's body.
He doesn't have to have sex with you if he doesn't want.
Have you tried helping out with some of the housework?
Maybe he is depressed?

^all standard MN responses in these situations.

Original poster
blondey123 · 27/03/2019 13:03

He's just gone to work. We did talk again, and he insists that he said that I was clattering about like an elephant, rather than I was an elephant. And yes, he could be right, as I was drunk and could have put 2 and 2 together and made 5.

I think a PP was right, when they suggested that my low self esteem (because of the sex situation), has probably made me over-react or take it personally, when it wasn't meant that way.

He is very tall and broad, so carries his weight well. I would say most women would probably fancy him. I certainly think he's gorgeous.

His work is very stressful, I know that is true. However, he has no stress at home, and I do all of the housework. I don't mind this, as I work from home and have alot more free time than he does.

I have no clue why he was horny for 6-8 weeks, and why it's gone away. It's very perplexing. He's has his testosterone checked and it's all normal. When we do have sex, it's very good. But the frequency (or lack of) is very challenging to me. I certainly don't force him to have sex, and I very rarely instigate it, due to past rejection. After 3+ weeks of no sex, I can feel my mood dip and I become snappy and have a moan about it all. I realise this is counter productive. I don't want to be this person who feels like a caged animal with no release. It makes me want to shake him.

I think the fact that we had 6-8 weeks of regular sex, is a bit cruel, as it's shown me what we could be like. And now we're not. Gaah. I have no idea what to do. Yes, we've talked about it, like a million times. I would not leave him over it. The rest of our relationship is good.

OP posts:
Itssosunny · 27/03/2019 13:07

Maybe, OP's husband is Japanese. Wink I've been wondering for some time if mine is too.
talkaboutjapan.blog/sexuality-in-japan-iii/

Fairenuff · 27/03/2019 13:08

After 3+ weeks of no sex, I can feel my mood dip and I become snappy and have a moan about it all.

You have a different sex drive to him. Why do you think yours is right and his is wrong? You are just different. This complaining is part of the coercion, is deeply unattractive and, as you have noticed, will just make him unhappy and less likely to want sex with you.

If you are not prepared to leave him over it then you just have to accept it. There is no compromise to be had if one person wants sex and the other doesn't.

Halo84 · 27/03/2019 13:12

Has his sex drive always been lower than yours, or is this something new?

If it’s always been this way, you may need to either resign yourself to no sex, or leave him for a man who wants a good sex life.

Original poster
blondey123 · 27/03/2019 13:18

This complaining is part of the coercion, is deeply unattractive and, as you have noticed, will just make him unhappy and less likely to want sex with you

Yep, I agree with you. I don't handle it very well, and it's counter productive. I do know this.

Has his sex drive always been lower than yours, or is this something new?

Pretty much always been lower. I know, I know.

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 27/03/2019 13:34

His work is stressful. You woke him up drunk on a Tuesday night (presumably he has work the next morning?)

My DH would have been annoyed at me too.

Hearhere · 27/03/2019 13:35

He's like a fruit machine isn't he you get nothing for ages and then you hit the jackpot
incidentally fruit machines are setup deliberately like this because variable rewards are highly addicting, it's the best way to make you keep on trying and keep on attending to him

I'm not suggesting that this is a conscious and deliberate strategy employed by him but the unconscious mind does all sorts of weird shit that we're not really aware of

Jessgalinda · 27/03/2019 13:39

If dp came into my room drunk, being noisy and looking for sex I would be bloody annoyed as well.

And the complaining about not getting enough and trying it on wouldn't make me inclined to have more sex

The 6 weeks might have been him trying to up his sex drive. Like a fake it until you make it type thing. But after a while, if you have a lower sex drive it's just not possible to keep doing that.

You have incompatible sex drives. Neither is wrong. But moaning and complaining and going in drunk to wake him up for sex, would be considered abusive if a man did it to a woman. It's really not ok.

Claply · 27/03/2019 15:46

OP. I mean this in the nicest possible way, I really do.

Have a wank.

NameChangeNugget · 27/03/2019 15:49

I think you owe him an apology

TheNavigator · 27/03/2019 15:55

I think you owe him an apology

Bollocks she does. he won't have sex with her for weeks then calls her an elephant? He is the one who needs to apologise.

Man or woman, it is shit to marry someone then withhold sex. If you don't to shag, stay single and have meaningful friendships. Marriage is built on sex (with my body I thee worship) and if someone plans to opt out of that very fundamental part of their vows, they should warn their partner and give them options. It is as bad as infidelity in many ways - you are breaking your vows just the same.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 27/03/2019 15:57

(with my body I thee worship)

I never said this when I got married. Fuck that.
I didn't promise to honour or obey either.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 16:22

Does he take any medication? Could something different have happened re. medication during that period?

Maybe it's not relevant, but a male poster on here said he was taking antidepressants without his wife's knowledge because he's very private/was embarrassed.

You say sex is good when it happens, but you did say the last time (?) he climaxed and then ended the sex without you climaxing; but is that very unusual?

Do you think he could be suffering ED and rushed through sex because of it (not that he couldn't have helped you climax sons other way)?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 16:24

*some other way

Original poster
blondey123 · 27/03/2019 16:31

He's not on any medication.

You say sex is good when it happens, but you did say the last time (?) he climaxed and then ended the sex without you climaxing; but is that very unusual?

Yes, to be fair I always climax. He had to be somewhere the other day, which I do understand, but obviously I now feel more frustrated than I did before. Oh well.

I never understand when people say "have a wank". How on earth is that the same as having sex with the person you love. It's nowhere near as satisfying. Not for me anyway.

OP posts:
TheNavigator · 27/03/2019 16:34

I agree OP, I didn't marry my husband to have to see to my own sexual needs - what is the point of that? I do think you really need to talk about this properly, he cannot keep you dangling like this, it isn't fair.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 16:36

Oh well at least he's not as selfish and crap as he sounded from that incident Wink.

I know it's not the same, but it is a way of indulging your sex drive, letting off steam, having a nice orgasm etc. if your partner's sex drive doesn't match yours.

Other than that, what are we talking about other than an open relationship or ending the relationship, both pretty drastic.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 16:38

You can broach it with him but I can see that becoming counter productive. People of both sexes could feel coerced and pressured rather easily.

It would be useful to find out what if anything went on during his 'horny spell'.

NorthEndGal · 27/03/2019 16:45

A few things... For all those people saying have a wank, it is not the same as making love to someone who loves you back.
Hence why everyone on here says not to be upset when your partner wanks, as it has nothing to do with sex!

Op, I'm sorry you are in this spot. It is so hard when your drives don't match.
Let go of what he said, you won't be able to prove what he has said, he was sober and pretty sure of himself, and it can't be changed anyhow.
Instead focus on what you can both do to make things better for the pair of you.
What if you were to ask him to join you for marriage counseling, so you can both find a way to be happy? Would he be willing to try?