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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

cant get over this...but is it me?

102 replies

trixie2018 · 26/03/2019 17:00

hi
im going through hoops over an incident that happened with my partner...i dont know if its me being ultra sensitive (5 years out of an abusive relationship of 18 years) or if im right to feel this way...hence the need to talk...

so long story short...we have been seeing each other for 2 and half years...neither of us spring chickens..late 40's..
had friends around for dinner (his friends) and we were all sat down ...we were passing around dishes etc...helping ourselves...my partners not very adventurous eating wise and id made a side dish i thought he'd like ..asked him.. he said no..so asked again..just really wanted him to try it...well the look he gave me and the venom in his voice just took the wind out of me...he'd looked at me as if i was dirt...his friends were both shocked and there was this stunned silence...just interrupted by my partner eating...
everyone (his friends) quickly moved onto another subject...quickly said something to break the silence...
i felt absolutely mortified..i felt like id been thumped in the stomach..winded...humiliated
why on earth was so wrong with asking someone if they wanted a side dish...did it really warrant such a reaction..???

it sounds silly now ..writing this down...but its completely taken over my head...i dont know if im over reacting from my previous experiences (which he's fully aware of) or if im justified to feel so hurt..

later that evening i stopped him in the kitchen and i said 'you really hurt me the way you spoke to me tonight'..he instantly knew what i was referring to and said..'we'll talk later'
well i waited and waited...
through sunday...by monday afternoon i was about to blow...
so i brought it up...initially he tried all the usual things...'what about saturday night'....'i spoke to him wrong first'...'i'm stressed at work'...'dont shout at me it makes all your points invalid'...etc etc ..eventually he said sorry..just one word..sorry..and that was it..nothing more mentioned...
i know its not healthy to keep going over stuff but i dont feel that one sorry word is enough to counteract the hurt and humiliation i felt that night..and i cant get over it....he's away at the minute and its just going round and round in my head...
is it me??

OP posts:
crystalize · 26/03/2019 17:44

No it's not you. How awful for you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking him to try a dish. Is this the first time you've seen a different side to him in 2.5 years? Do you live together? Some gaslighting going on as well.. maybe he's starting to show the real him.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 26/03/2019 17:45

It sounds like he was annoyed at you asking him twice although an aggressive reaction is not good. Is it possible he felt embarrassed about his limited palate and that you were "mummying " him.to try something he knew he wouldn't like? I hate it when people try to force me to eat things I know I don't like because they do.

If you are sure you didn't come across as pushy about him tying it then you might want to rethink the relationship

Original poster
trixie2018 · 26/03/2019 18:14

just started living together....
i was beginning to think it was me...i just dont know how to get over this..or maybe there isnt a way to get over it....

OP posts:
Ragwort · 26/03/2019 18:23

He shouldn't have been rude but it can be really irritating if people say 'oh please try this, I've made it specially' if it's something you (privately) think looks horrible.
You asked him twice and said you 'really wanted him to try it' ... that sounds like trying to encourage a toddler to eat new things.

Maybe this is just part of settling into living together (which won't be easy for anyone ... but especially if presumably you've had your own, independent lives up to now). How is the rest of his attitude towards you?

crappyday2018 · 26/03/2019 18:41

Sorry OP but even if you were a bit too persistent, there is NO excuse for him to react like this and especially when their are guests there. If he was genuinely getting a bit irritated with you asking him to try it, then he should have just made a joke about it.
Its the type of thing that would stay in my head too because its unresolved. If he has accepted he was out of order and offered you a heart-felt apology and explanation, then you would have some sort of closure. Sadly he hasn't done that and, in fact, denied it. He has clearly then just said sorry to end the discussion.
Obviously you can't just leave this, so I would suggest bringing it up again and telling him in no uncertain terms that you will not be spoken to like that, in private or in company. Tell him to ask his friends how they felt!!
I do fear this is the start OP and if you let him get away with this, it could potentially escalate!

crappyday2018 · 26/03/2019 18:48

And also the fact he knew why you were upset when it happened and said 'we'll talk later' tells me he knows full well what he's done wrong but is trying desperately to brush it under the carpet, and hope you just let it drop. I'd be worried about the real person he is starting to show.

Runkle · 26/03/2019 18:50

His reaction was definitely off but my DP does this to me - trying to offer me something off his plate/asking if I want extra this that the other and I'll say no thanks then he'll ask again or say oh go on. Really annoying, I said no once, i'm in my sodding 30s I know my own mind, maybe I'll try some later.

BrusselPout · 26/03/2019 19:48

I'm sorry OP but I think you are being a bit over sensitive - you asked him, he said no, yet you asked again and probably embarrassed him a bit in front of his mates, tbf I would mostly like be a bit sharp in my response if my partner did that to me. I suspect his friends were silent because it was awkward

Tachy · 26/03/2019 19:53

I HATE when someone asks me again after I have said no. I'd probably react similarly tbh.

Lefty1 · 26/03/2019 20:32

Don’t like the sound of this one, perhaps his true colours are coming to surface. I’m sure a lesser women would have planted the side dish firmly in his face . Ltb 💐x

WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/03/2019 20:37

We all lose our rag now and again, unfortunately it was whilst you had guests which will have made it worse.

But, and it’s a big but, anyone who loses their rag like that would normally apologise straight away, even in front of guests. I know if I did it, I’d immediately apologise.

It would really bother me in your situation. Doesn’t sound good if he then tried to blame it anything but his own behaviours

lunar1 · 26/03/2019 20:44

My husband repeatedly asks me things like this. Most of the time I just repeat the no. Sometimes it pisses me off and I snap at him. It's bloody annoying and I'd find it more so if he did it when we had guests.

crappyday2018 · 26/03/2019 20:51

I'm shocked that some people think its acceptable just because they find it annoying being asked something more than once!!! Really? I bet they are a delight at parties.
At the end of the day, he embarrassed you and shocked and embarrassed the guests. Frankly he behaved like a spoiled brat.
If you were genuinely being really annoying, he should have spoken to you out of the room and asked you to pack it in.

SabineUndine · 26/03/2019 20:59

Acting a bit irritated would be the normal thing to do if he was annoyed you asked him a second time, but reacting like that? No. I'd be packing his bags. It's just possible that now you are living together he's letting you see sides of him that were hidden before.

crystalize · 26/03/2019 22:36

I too am shocked some people think this was ok. Looking at her with pure venom? Shocking their guests into stunned silence? Come on ffs.

OP, 5 years out of an abusive relationship of 18 years isn't very long and now you have just started living together. I think you need to be really clear to him that how he acted was way out of order. Show some outrage, get angry, tell him it is unacceptable and you will not tolerate any shit from him or its over.

Studentnurse1981 · 26/03/2019 22:59

You are WAY OVER REACTING !

RSAcre · 27/03/2019 01:18

You ask if you are justified to feel hurt?

well the look he gave me and the venom in his voice just took the wind out of me

Yes my dear, you are fully justified. And you know it, you also saw the reaction of his embarrassed & horrified friends.

MORE IMPORTANTLY you are fully justified in also feeling scared.
I am. I am scared that he feels it is appropriate to behave in this way, & wondering how he is going to escalate every time he gets away with it.

Please keep yourself safe, & please ask yourself why you would want to invest any more time & emotion on this man.

MsDogLady · 27/03/2019 02:33

Nothing you did warranted his contemptuous, venomous response or subsequent stonewalling, gaslighting and deflecting. The fact that he intentionally humiliated you in front of your guests, causing discomfort to everyone, was appalling.

His minimal apology “Sorry” totally lacked remorse and was in itself an insult.

This whole episode would be the death knell of the relationship for me.

differentnameforthis · 27/03/2019 04:10

He was horrible to you
He refused to talk about it
He blamed you
He made excused
He apologized, well, he said "sorry"

Cycle of abuse. Classic.

Waytooearly · 27/03/2019 04:20

Would you mind sharing what he actually said/did in the moment?

Because just saying no and giving you an exasperated look isn't abusive.

Nonetheless he should have apologised and given you a hug when it all blew over. His response afterwards hasn't been kind.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 27/03/2019 04:35

@Studentnurse1981

This is in RELATIONSHIPS NOT AIBU

flumpybear · 27/03/2019 05:00

He w did over react, however as a pp has also said, if I say no, move on, don't keep asking ! ! A colleague at work recently said to someone three times 'go on have a cake' I'd bought them in for my birthday, he even said I'm diabetic and giving sweet things a swerve in February, but she still said 'go on put it in your desk drawer for Match

No means no ! Stop there and move on

Cambionome · 27/03/2019 06:20

No, you are not overreacting from what you've said about the incident. Him being mildly irritated - fair enough. Speaking to you with real venom - no. I had this a bit with my exh and it got to the stage where I was constantly second guessing myself when we we with other people in case he reacted in that sort of way again.

Not good.

feistymumma · 27/03/2019 06:29

His reaction was over the top, you were obviously keen for him to just try the dish - no need for him to look at you with pure venom though. He could have just laughed it off and had a word quietly afterwards about how it made him feel.

CloudyTuesday · 27/03/2019 06:42

Well we've all fucked up at sometime or other.

I wouldn't end a relationship over a look.

You've attached all sorts of significance to it but plenty on here have said they'd hate to be asked twice too. To him it may well have been nothing more than a 'leave me alone, it's drawing attention to my fussy eating habits and I'm embarrassed.'

Some of the comments on here, cycle of abuse etc, are ridiculous imo. I don't believe anyone has got through life without a sharp word, overreaction or unkind comment to their partner.

Reluctance to discuss or apologise could just be thinking that the most enormous fuss is being made of something insignificant.

But I guess if you can't get over it, it's time to call it a day.