cant get over this...but is it me?

[trixie2018]

hi
im going through hoops over an incident that happened with my partner...i dont know if its me being ultra sensitive (5 years out of an abusive relationship of 18 years) or if im right to feel this way...hence the need to talk...

so long story short...we have been seeing each other for 2 and half years...neither of us spring chickens..late 40's..
had friends around for dinner (his friends) and we were all sat down ...we were passing around dishes etc...helping ourselves...my partners not very adventurous eating wise and id made a side dish i thought he'd like ..asked him.. he said no..so asked again..just really wanted him to try it...well the look he gave me and the venom in his voice just took the wind out of me...he'd looked at me as if i was dirt...his friends were both shocked and there was this stunned silence...just interrupted by my partner eating...
everyone (his friends) quickly moved onto another subject...quickly said something to break the silence...
i felt absolutely mortified..i felt like id been thumped in the stomach..winded...humiliated
why on earth was so wrong with asking someone if they wanted a side dish...did it really warrant such a reaction..???

it sounds silly now ..writing this down...but its completely taken over my head...i dont know if im over reacting from my previous experiences (which he's fully aware of) or if im justified to feel so hurt..

later that evening i stopped him in the kitchen and i said 'you really hurt me the way you spoke to me tonight'..he instantly knew what i was referring to and said..'we'll talk later'
well i waited and waited...
through sunday...by monday afternoon i was about to blow...
so i brought it up...initially he tried all the usual things...'what about saturday night'....'i spoke to him wrong first'...'i'm stressed at work'...'dont shout at me it makes all your points invalid'...etc etc ..eventually he said sorry..just one word..sorry..and that was it..nothing more mentioned...
i know its not healthy to keep going over stuff but i dont feel that one sorry word is enough to counteract the hurt and humiliation i felt that night..and i cant get over it....he's away at the minute and its just going round and round in my head...
is it me??

Lefty, it works both ways.

"Do as you're told little man and don't have your own opinion or refuse something I've made or say no to me."

In rl this would be a 'six of one, half a dozen of another' relatively minor argument.

He was pissed off she essentially highlighted his food issues in front of friends, she was pissed off he replied with unexpected irritation.

Only on mn it's red flags, cycle of abuse etc. and of course no one ever snaps at their partner here. Even when pp come on to explain why they might have reacted similarly, he's still a misogynistic abuser.

I can see both sides, maybe his anger cones from feeling embarrassed. It sounds like you spoke to him like a child. Have you mentioned his not wanting to try new foods before. Maybe he's sick of it

He didn't need to be so angry about it, I agree, but I know in the past I have been so mad that it showed on my face. This is rare though as I am not an angry person.

Based upon my own experience I'd be thinking very carefully about whether to continue this relationship. You've now moved in together, and he's shown you how something so minor can enrage him, and the presence of others did not modify his behaviour.

He also knew he'd upset you, made you wait to discuss it, then minimised his part in it and blamed you for your reaction. Then apologised to end it. This is how it starts. You're now doubting yourself, and you know next time to "behave" in front of his friends.

You wouldn't behave this way to him. You know why he behaved this way to you - and so do I and others on here. Sorry to be blunt.

I don't think you should be in this relationship tbh. You're still dealing with the scars of the past.You need healing time, and this guy has you questioning everything. So either you need time or he's a wrong un.

My MIL is like this, constantly trying to get you to eat more, eat different things etc... A polite no thanks doesn't stop her though, she'll say 'come on, give it a go, you'll like it' to the point where the conversation that was going on is interrupted with all focussed on whether we are indeed going to give the food a try or not.

It is infuriating and indeed make us feel like we are 4yo again. After saying no thank you a couple of times and then once a bit more forceful, we inevitably have to resort to getting the message throigh in a way that ends up hurting her. Yet she does it over and over again, it makes meals with her stressful.

I agree swingofthings my Nan is exactly the same there is only so many times you can say no.
And is not even if you don’t like sometimes you just don’t want it or want anymore and it’s frustrating and upsetting that you need to get forceful because a polite no should suffice

And to be fair here it’s clear his first response was polite why did he need to be asked again

The other issue is he knows he has upset her. There is nothing to indictate the op is aware her behaviour upset him.

It may not be minor to him to be asked again, have his food issues highlighted in front of his friends and a polite no ignore because he clearly wasn’t right the first time

With your history I’d say this IS an abuser showing you who he is

It takes on average 2 years for an abuser to show himself, often there are events that trigger escalation- things like engagement, moving in, marriage, having a baby, or losing a job and being reliant

It’s that you’re trapped in his eyes and then you can’t wriggle free, which is what in turn spurs him on.

You’ve fallen into another abusive relationship: get out now.

If he is otherwise fine, I would try to forgive and forget.

I can get a bit snappy about things like that, especially if I'm feeling the pressure in front of friends. He has said sorry try not to overthink it, we are all human.

Have you previously pestered him about his eating? If this is a one off and you've pestered him before it could be he simply snapped. If it's not normal behaviour I'd put it behind you.

Howcer if it is, you say there is other red flags, then you need to address the issues. Sit him down and talk.

@CloudyTuesday you just politely say no I’m okay thanks . My Nan asks me repeatedly if I want any biscuits I’m trying to diet so yes it’s a bit annoying but you just politely say “yes I’m sure” not look at the person like shit and be rude.

You've obviously made an issue of his rather limited palate, making a special dish for him to try etc. I never draw attention to my 'unadventurous' eating habits and people who know me well don't either, why would they?

I'd let this one go if I were you OP, unless the other red flags are particularly worrying. Just keep an eye on things.

So he already answered you but you kept on asking him? I would be annoyed as well. No means no. Yabu

No means No, I think yabu.

It’s really fucking annoying when someone tries to coerce you into something you don’t want, you’ve told them you don’t want it politely and they won’t let it go.

I think you’ve blown things out of proportion because of your last relationship experiences, it’s really not a big deal, let it go.

You know actually if you “can’t get over this” maybe you should end the relationship, your DP is allowed to have preferences and opinions without you getting upset.

It is bloody annoying being asked more than once, if you want x food & being ‘encouraged to try’ something like a toddler. I’m vegetarian, I’ve had years of it.

However, although I might eventually sound irritated, or ‘short’ - I’d NEVER react with such venom, not even within the family who should know better, let alone in a new relationship with friends there.

Sadly, I think you’ve ended up in another abusive relationship. Not only because of his outburst, but also because of how he’s handled it since.

What were the other things you thought were ‘red flags’?

I'd need to know about the other red flags to make a proper judgement.
But how you feel is how you feel.
No-one can take that away from you.
I think you realise this is the beginning of the end.
A proper talk is required here.

I'm disappointed some people have excused his behaviour. OP did a kind thing. She was considering his food preferences, made some extra food, and just wanted him to try, for his sake. But apparently she was being some controlling mother figure who deserved what she got in front of others.

A gentle encouragement is not controlling, being snapped at with venom and a belittling look in front of others is.

@nicenewdusters totally agree. You be polite , she only asked twice , which in my experience is pretty normal , someone asks you if you want a cup of tea at work for example , you say no thanks , they always say “are you sure?” It’s no big deal and I certainly would look at them like shite because of it. Manners and respect don’t cost nothing. Op i’d dump the grumpy fucker , you sound lovely !

*wouldnt look at them like shite rather

It’s nice that they offer , and in the op’s Circumstance that she cooked for him.

The look and the venom in his voice both speak of contempt. For me, there's no coming back from being treated with contempt.

" Manners and respect don’t cost nothing."

I agree. He should've had more patience and spoken to her in a kinder way. But we don't all do what we're supposed to, all of the time, do we.

An "I've already said no" with a sharp look conveying his frustration and embarrassment shouldn't be a deal breaker for anyone in an otherwise good relationship, and nor is it a sign of abuse by itself as an isolated incident.

"there's no coming back from being treated with contempt."

You can be contemptuous of an action without being contemptuous of the person.

Incredible that so many of you have spent your whole lives never saying an unnecessarily sharp word to anyone.

He’s showing you who he really is.

People who are wary about eating new or different things are usually really self-conscious about it.

To someone with a restricted diet there are few things more humiliating and embarrassing than being repeatedly asked to try some food in front of everyone, when you really don't like it or don't want to. I suggest that you apologise and don't ever treat him like a toddler in front of his friends again.

crikey--some people on here seem like serious hard work and lacking in manners given that they had guests. personally I think it was really rude and piss poor manners on his part and I would have been peed off too. . Whats wrong with a pleasant, 'honestly Trixie, I'm fine thanks' , maybe another time etc' , especially with other people there.