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Original poster

cant get over this...but is it me?

102 replies

trixie2018 · 26/03/2019 17:00

hi
im going through hoops over an incident that happened with my partner...i dont know if its me being ultra sensitive (5 years out of an abusive relationship of 18 years) or if im right to feel this way...hence the need to talk...

so long story short...we have been seeing each other for 2 and half years...neither of us spring chickens..late 40's..
had friends around for dinner (his friends) and we were all sat down ...we were passing around dishes etc...helping ourselves...my partners not very adventurous eating wise and id made a side dish i thought he'd like ..asked him.. he said no..so asked again..just really wanted him to try it...well the look he gave me and the venom in his voice just took the wind out of me...he'd looked at me as if i was dirt...his friends were both shocked and there was this stunned silence...just interrupted by my partner eating...
everyone (his friends) quickly moved onto another subject...quickly said something to break the silence...
i felt absolutely mortified..i felt like id been thumped in the stomach..winded...humiliated
why on earth was so wrong with asking someone if they wanted a side dish...did it really warrant such a reaction..???

it sounds silly now ..writing this down...but its completely taken over my head...i dont know if im over reacting from my previous experiences (which he's fully aware of) or if im justified to feel so hurt..

later that evening i stopped him in the kitchen and i said 'you really hurt me the way you spoke to me tonight'..he instantly knew what i was referring to and said..'we'll talk later'
well i waited and waited...
through sunday...by monday afternoon i was about to blow...
so i brought it up...initially he tried all the usual things...'what about saturday night'....'i spoke to him wrong first'...'i'm stressed at work'...'dont shout at me it makes all your points invalid'...etc etc ..eventually he said sorry..just one word..sorry..and that was it..nothing more mentioned...
i know its not healthy to keep going over stuff but i dont feel that one sorry word is enough to counteract the hurt and humiliation i felt that night..and i cant get over it....he's away at the minute and its just going round and round in my head...
is it me??

OP posts:
HomoHeinekenensis · 27/03/2019 07:12

It wasn't just a look. The Op said, The venom in his voice

HomoHeinekenensis · 27/03/2019 07:16

How is the rest of the relationship OP? If this genuinely a one off then it's different to if this is a fairly regular occurrence. Does he normally treat you with respect. If you are wavering about his behaviour towards you then I would see his reluctance to listen to your side of it and his inability to apologise unless under pressure as a red flag. He was relying on your good nature in the moment. Had you said, "Well fuck you then!" He would have looked a tit in front of his friends wouldn't he? It's subtle but I suspect you are starting to be abused again. I have been where you are. I think we have MUG written on our heads maybe?

skye199 · 27/03/2019 07:17

I absolutely hate it when people try to get me to eat something that I don't want/like. Even worse than you asked him twice and did it in front of his friends. He did what he had to do to make you stop asking and it worked. I don't think you should be freaking out over it.

CookPassBabtridge · 27/03/2019 07:21

His reaction was awful, it's mortifying when your partner embarrasses you like that in front of people and it gets awkward. Nothing wrong with asking twice, more than twice is annoying.

CloudyTuesday · 27/03/2019 07:31

Well you say 'nothing wrong with asking twice' but plenty of people on this thread alone have said they wouldn't like it.

He's presumably allowed to not like it, to maybe feel a bit patronised, as if his first definite 'no' had been ignored, a bit touchy about his fussy eating habits, a bit embarrassed in front of friends?

I can't imagine turning down, say, a bowl of sprouts only for my partner to ask me again. It's what you do to a child.

"It wasn't just a look. The Op said, The venom in his voice."

What did he say op?

lifebegins50 · 27/03/2019 07:33

Op, I would trust your instincts. You were there and know him. I also think it difficult for those who haven't been in an abusive relationship to know the signs. You have just commited through living together which is often a trigger for the mask to slip.

Irritation we all understand and maybe understandable but I believe you when you saw a different level of reaction, plus he hasn't cared that you are upset.

Is he able to apologise? Is he often right?

What is the housing situation?

AvonBarksdale99 · 27/03/2019 07:33

He was definitely in the wrong, he shouldn't have spoken to you like that especially in front of guests, very embarrassing for them as well. However, it can be annoying when someone keeps pestering you to do something and you have to awkwardly say no in front of others, can feel like they're humiliating you in front of people.

One thing's for sure, there's definitely not enough information to say if he's an abuser etc. Was this a one-off incident? And it sounds a bit like his 'apology' may have been fair enough, explaining that he's feeling a bit stressed and saying sorry?

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2019 07:36

What was a actually said by him.

Original poster
trixie2018 · 27/03/2019 07:42

thanks for all your replies...
its really hard to remember exactly what he said ..it wasnt a long rant just a 'ive already said no'.....i was just so shocked by the look and the way he said it...
i get what you are saying re being asked twice..and hey havent i learnt 'my lesson'....
i also get that im ultra sensitive and dont want to go into another relationship and thats why i was asking your valued opinions because im fully aware i can see more into something thats maybe not there...
also there have been other situations in our relationship which have raised red flags to me.....i guess im just after confirmation of what i already deep down know...
this was the first time hes ever spoken and looked at me like 'i was sh..t on his shoe'...he always spoke to me with respect ...maybe it was me and i should never have asked twice..it just worries me if something like asking twice caused this whats going to happen with something a bit more serious...??

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/03/2019 07:48

But maybe from his perspective he is sensitive and embarrassed about his limited eating and you forced a point and he snapped and said I’ve already said no.then you blew up at him until he said sorry

What are the other red flags?

MashedSpud · 27/03/2019 07:50

The op made him a dish especially because he’s not an adventurous eater and he didn’t have to act like a twat about her asking if he would like some. He could have simply said “I might have some in a while my dear but thank you”, but instead his reaction was very negative and noticed by the dinner guests too.
My DH has never reacted like that even when it’s just the two of us, nor me to him and we’ve been married almost 19 years.

I’d be watching this guys behaviour to look out for red flags. It’s sometimes easy to overlook them at first because of that flush of new love.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 08:05

The op made him a dish especially because he’s not an adventurous eater and he didn’t have to act like a twat about her asking if he would like some. He could have simply said “I might have some in a while my dear but thank you”, but instead his reaction was very negative and noticed by the dinner guests too.

I agree with this.

His reaction speaks of someone with a bit of a temper, inclined to be irritable.

Also the avoiding and brushing it under the carpet afterward (after saying they'd talk about it), sounds like he wouldn't have if op left it. And she had to screw (not in a fun way) an apology out if him. Sounds like he's a carper sweeper underer type.

I'd worry you're going to see more of this Sad.

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2019 08:34

No she made him a dish he thought he might like he politely refused she pushed the issue - if you are someone who is embarassed about not being adventurous you can see how I said I dont want it. That could just as much be a red flag for him though as well.

Particularly as the OP glosses over the other conversation seems to her shouting about his response and nothing about hers

HomoHeinekenensis · 27/03/2019 08:47

I guess only you can decide if you want to carry on with this relationship OP. You are older and wiser from your previous experience of being abused. If you want to have a zero tolerance policy that is understandable. If you decide to stay, keep on alert for more of the same though. Don't put up with shit. Life is too short and if you left him, at least his friends have had a snapshot of how he can be with you.

Lefty1 · 27/03/2019 08:49

I don’t think it warrants someone looking at you like dirt and being rude. I wouldn’t dream of speaking to any of my ex’s like that . You just “yea I’m sure I’m okay thanks”.
His response after shows he doesn’t like to apologise , someone mentioned up thread the cycle of abuse. I think they hit the nail on the head op and i’d be looking out for anymore red flags if I were you. Flowers

KOKOtiltomorrow · 27/03/2019 09:00

If it truly was "with venom" then you have your answer. If it was more a snappy/annoyed response that was a tad embarrassing for all then maybe u are being over sensitive.

LuluBellaBlue · 27/03/2019 09:07

I’d be questioning what else you have been pushy about? Do you try and force him into anything else?
If someone asked me to try something twice in front of people I’d feel furious with them and actually see the person asking (you) as being the controlling one!

DianaT1969 · 27/03/2019 09:16

You might not be compatible. He may find other things you have done or said in the past irritating and it built up to this. Either way, he easily loses his temper and snaps. Not a good quality going forwards. Time to stop living together and reclaim your space? You could still date him if you wanted to.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 27/03/2019 09:57

It sounds like maybe you are trying to mother him? He should have not reacted the way he did though. Does he have food issues? If someone is gluten free or something, you want to make your own decision of what you will eat.

blitzen · 27/03/2019 12:21

Hello OP, I think your partner sounds awful. You've been in an abusive relationship previously so you know better than others what warning flags may look like and I think this is definitely one. Even if you'd asked him a hundred times and were mothering him, like some posters have suggested, it doesn't justify or warrant being spoken to or looked at in the way you describe. My advice would be to save yourself the inner turmoil, fear, potential abuse and worse, and LTB. Hope you are okay 💐

MsDogLady · 27/03/2019 12:54

What other red flags?

Tartanwarrior · 27/03/2019 13:07

Sounds like you both pushed each other's buttons. Maybe you both can learn from it?

BirdieInTheHand · 27/03/2019 20:02

"I've already said no" doesn't seem too be overly problematic. I mean how much anger/venom can you I rise into four words.

I eat anything but I know people that don't and they can be super sensitive about it because, like it or not, people do often make a negative value judgement in relation to fussiness with food.

Onemansoapopera · 27/03/2019 20:09

Ffs OP , you were pushy, he stopped it in its tracks, you got offended, he didnt see it as a big deal. If you like the guy please move on with your lives and don't make unplanned side dishes unsolicited again. The end.

Lefty1 · 27/03/2019 22:48

and don't make unplanned side dishes unsolicited again. The end.

Wow did I really just read that 👀, comes across as “do as your told little woman and don’t deviate or question me or even ask me anything more than once” I reckon your other half must have you well trained 🙈