cant get over this...but is it me?

[trixie2018]

hi
im going through hoops over an incident that happened with my partner...i dont know if its me being ultra sensitive (5 years out of an abusive relationship of 18 years) or if im right to feel this way...hence the need to talk...

so long story short...we have been seeing each other for 2 and half years...neither of us spring chickens..late 40's..
had friends around for dinner (his friends) and we were all sat down ...we were passing around dishes etc...helping ourselves...my partners not very adventurous eating wise and id made a side dish i thought he'd like ..asked him.. he said no..so asked again..just really wanted him to try it...well the look he gave me and the venom in his voice just took the wind out of me...he'd looked at me as if i was dirt...his friends were both shocked and there was this stunned silence...just interrupted by my partner eating...
everyone (his friends) quickly moved onto another subject...quickly said something to break the silence...
i felt absolutely mortified..i felt like id been thumped in the stomach..winded...humiliated
why on earth was so wrong with asking someone if they wanted a side dish...did it really warrant such a reaction..???

it sounds silly now ..writing this down...but its completely taken over my head...i dont know if im over reacting from my previous experiences (which he's fully aware of) or if im justified to feel so hurt..

later that evening i stopped him in the kitchen and i said 'you really hurt me the way you spoke to me tonight'..he instantly knew what i was referring to and said..'we'll talk later'
well i waited and waited...
through sunday...by monday afternoon i was about to blow...
so i brought it up...initially he tried all the usual things...'what about saturday night'....'i spoke to him wrong first'...'i'm stressed at work'...'dont shout at me it makes all your points invalid'...etc etc ..eventually he said sorry..just one word..sorry..and that was it..nothing more mentioned...
i know its not healthy to keep going over stuff but i dont feel that one sorry word is enough to counteract the hurt and humiliation i felt that night..and i cant get over it....he's away at the minute and its just going round and round in my head...
is it me??

What's wrong with her saying 'fair enough you don't want it' as well?

But he had already said no. In the cup of tea analogy that no should always be sufficient no matter what.

And if he had politely said no would she have come back and asked again - because yes there is nothing wrong with a pleasant honestly I fine thank you no - if it is listened to. But it wasnt. He tried that approach

Then she shouted at him until he backed down and said sorry for saying no.

His friends were embarrassed and shocked at his reaction. Says a lot.

also there have been other situations in our relationship which have raised red flags to me.....i guess im just after confirmation of what i already deep down know...

There isn't a test you have to pass to decide you'd prefer not to be with him. It is enough that you don't like his behaviour. It doesn't matter if people on this thread would accept it happily - they are not you.

For what it is worth, this would have bothered me a lot and his inability to say "oh god I overreacted, I'm really sorry" would bother me more.

But he had already said no. In the cup of tea analogy that no should always be sufficient no matter what.
ffs are you seriously comparing an someone pressing an extra potato on a guest to someone violating sexual boundaries/raping. I've heard everything now.

But he had already said no. In the cup of tea analogy that no should always be sufficient no matter what.
ffs are you seriously comparing an someone pressing an extra potato on a guest to someone violating sexual boundaries/raping. I've heard everything now.

No I am saying there should never be a situation where saying no should have to be backed up by having to say no again. Because at its heart it is not listening to what the person is saying and that is never ok. No one should have to justify a no just because the other thought that they would like it.

No I am saying there should never be a situation where saying no should have to be backed up by having to say no again.

Yes but that is in no way comparable to a woman being sexually assaulted or raped and it is horrible to raise the analogy.

Yeah maybe in an ideal world no one would press a cup of tea on you a second time once you said no once - leaving millions of chinese and Irish people tea-less when they were just being polite - but it isn't comparable in the least. And being pissed off at your no at the offer of the special potatoes you like not meaning no is (a) not the same as someone being raped and (b) not an excuse to act like an arsehole.

I think only OP can know if it was really a look of pure venom/contempt, and that is what matters.

But, while he shouldn't have snapped, and no it isn't the same as being sexually abused, my abusive ex did push me on eating things all the time and it felt very belittling. He pushed all sorts of boundaries and that was one (while minor) thing among it all. An adult does know what they want to eat and that sort of pushing especially in front of friends can feel really undermining, it is like treating someone as a child that doesn't know their own mind.

I don't think we can really judge without knowing the context of the relationship, to be honest, and "I've already said no" is a pretty factual statement, I think only the OP can judge how contemptuously it was said and how that fits in with his behavior in general.

I think only the OP can judge how contemptuously it was said and how that fits in with his behavior in general

except she says his own friends were shocked and there was this stunned silence. This is the bit that makes me think he really did speak to her unacceptably.

The op already said there were other instances , she hasn’t gone into them (as I imagine she feel’s intimidated to now from the extremely thrift nature of some of these replies ...this isn’t AIBU ladies/gentlemen but the relationship section....
Nobody should be rude even when faced with the same question twice (in a polite manner clearly which is what the op did) , it demonstrates , at it’s core , a lack of respect.
Also to correct a previous post, the op didn’t shout at him after the event , demanding that he apologised she simply was challenging his rude and clearly obnoxious behaviour.
Shame on the posters here who think it’s acceptable to be spoken to like shit, perhaps that’s how you speak to your other half’s but just so you know , it’s isnt normal !

Its not normal to repeatedly people to try food they've not asked for infront of other people when they've already said no either @Lefty in fact at best its quite patronising and at worst, would be controlling. If my dh did that to me in front of my friends I'd think he was trying to show off tbh.

OP, I'm not surprised you're upset.

How humiliating for you.
It really didn't warrant such a nasty over-reaction.
Perhaps his true colours are starting to emerge.
I would be very wary of him too.

The thing that leaves me shocked is a sizeable proportion of the previous comments on this thread.

The big deal isn't the food! Or the asking twice! Or even the shouting at!

We've all over-reacted, said things we shouldn't, including to people who we know are vulnerable because of their past history eg former abusive relationships.

What I find unforgivable is the total lack of reflection or empathy shown afterwards, after he had time to reflect, after the OP had explained how she felt. I would say that feels pretty terminal.

If I were the OP I would be strongly inclined to give him another chance at talking about it - starting by saying how I regretted pushing him to eat something, or if I made him feel humiliated in front of guests, but reminding him of my years of being in a previous abusive relationship, and therefore how I expect to be treated if this is going to work. And that it's the not the public argument at the dinner table, but the failure to recognise this vulnerability, plus the contemptuous behaviour, that really wounds.

I think speaking with venom in his voice has to be subjective in this instance, particularly as you are sensitive to abusive behaviour anyway.

This kind of thing really annoys me, it reminds me of when I was a kid and my DF would constantly harangue me about trying different foods and no matter how many times I’d say no, he would ask again on another day. If this happened as an adult I’d think you didn’t respect my position or value what I was telling you so yes, I might snap. But it would also probably depend on how I was approached and if it was a pattern of behaviour. Are there other instances where you have tried to ‘encourage’ him to try new food or was this the first and only time?

I think you owed him an apology too for your part as what you did was wrong pushing food on him repeatedly, which it seems may have humiliated him in front of his friends. I think you have only focused on what he did wrong. I think you should be meeting him in the middle.

I think the important thing is how he made you feel.

It took you back to how you felt the first time your ex felt comfortable enough to let his mask slip, didn't it?

Listen to your inner voice. You know in your heart where this leads.

"Listen to your inner voice. You know in your heart where this leads."

Or he could be a normal person who, on a single occasion, when highly irritated and embarrassed, snapped 'I've already said no.'

I mean, if that ended marriages the divorce rate would be at about 99%.

And his reaction afterwards? Maybe just incredulous that anyone could be making such a big deal about a tiny thing. Or feeling like he also deserves an apology. Or wondering how he's going to navigate the next few decades of a relationship where your partner falls apart after a single harsh sentence.

I couldn’t agree more CloudyTuesday

I think I'm either lucky or just messed up, in our relationship I'd have just been told "Alright dickhead, I was only asking" to which I'd either reply with a "oooo soz" because I knew I had been a bit short and was embarrassed and it'll move us all on.

Then, and I wouldn't really expect it, if she was really traumatised, she'd reiterate when everyone had gone that I had been a dick, and I'd apologise, say why I reacted, but that she was right I shouldn't etc.

I think you owed him an apology too for your part as what you did was wrong pushing food on him repeatedly, which it seems may have humiliated him in front of his friends.

She asked him twice. Not pushing food on him repeatedly just presumably something like:

"would you like to try these potatoes"
"no thanks"
"Are you sure they are the ones you like?"

Would people really be humiliated by this exchange enough to lose their temper? Whatever about the OP's possible over reaction, that is some level of fragility he has there. God help him if he ever goes to Ireland and is offered a cup of tea he doesn't really want. He'll collapse.

@pallisers
No I wouldn’t think anyone would be humiliated by your presumed exchange, unless this has happened in the past, but then I wouldn’t really judge the statement: ‘I’ve already said no’ to suggest he had lost his temper, whereas you have.

well we can only presume based on what the OP says

id made a side dish i thought he'd like ..asked him.. he said no..so asked again..just really wanted him to try it...well the look he gave me and the venom in his voice just took the wind out of me...he'd looked at me as if i was dirt...his friends were both shocked and there was this stunned silence...just interrupted by my partner eating...

She asked. She asked again. You think this was wrong and potentially humiliating and deserves an apology. I think that is bizarre.

I presumed he lost his temper because that is to me the better interpretation. That venom and looking at her like she was dirt and making his friends uncomfortable is a normal tetchy response would be worse to me.

@pallisers you are making your presumptions, and I am making mine.

Also the venom, looking at her like dirt and making friends uncomfortable - all the OPs interpretation. The OPs partner may have a totally different version of events. The facts are the OP asked twice whether her partner would try a dish. The OPs partner said no the first time. When asked again he said “I already said no”. One or both parties are upset by this conversation. That it has made it onto Mumsnet is beyond me.

Fair enough katy. If I don't believe the OP I generally don't bother replying.

Maybe it is different elsewhere. growing up in Ireland if you had a fit of the vapours when someone asked you to try something twice, you'd find life very hard.

If you had a fit of the vapours when your dh said 'I already said no' you'd find life hard imo.

It's a disagreement, about something daft like most arguments are, with two people interpreting events differently, with lots of people reading an awful lot into the whole thing.

How about an update op? Ever get resolved?

Once again @CloudyTuesday, I could not have put it better myself.