Homophobic boyfriend

[melh44]

I have a partner of 4 years. Two children. A home/mortgage. His parents are tolerable we visit every 2 weeks and that is all they see of there grandchildren (don't ask me why it's there choice). Ever since I have known them they have had old fashioned views. They hate gay people. They think it's weird, they don't understand it. Today my partners father said something about my two daughters getting boyfriends his mum said something along the lines of "as long as it's not girlfriends" instantly I said straight to the point , if there where gay I couldn't care less I would support them as long as they where happy. They never said much els. When we got home I made it clear to my partner that our children will never be brought up to be scared about there feelings and if there where gay I would support them , I asked him if he would do the same. His answer had me in tears. He said he would be disappointed and that being gay in inhuman. He wouldn't go to there wedding and he wouldn't support them. I had to leave the room as I was so upset. A man who I thought I knew inside out , is a homophobe. We arnt married yet but we where planning it in a few years . Am I being dramatic thinking this is not someone I can marry?? I can't marry a person like this surely ? There are children out there committing suicide because of people like him and his parents. Someone please tell me I'm not being dramatic? I am so upset I had no idea.

I’m amazed it hasn’t come up in conversation before to be honest but I couldn’t marry someone with those views. Unfortunately you won’t be able to prevent your daughter’s from being exposed to his views though

I couldn’t even think about being with someone like this.
My daughter is 13 and gay. I would hate to think she couldn’t talk to me or her dad about it. Her dad cheated on me and we are separated as a result so although he is a crap husband he feels the same way I do about homophobia, despite all of his family being of a similar view to your in-laws.
My brother is also gay and he is very human.
Being gay isn’t a choice, it’s not a lifestyle. There are very much worse things you can be and I hope your partner realises this.

You didn't think he might have been brought up with bigoted views given his parents?
No, you're not being dramatic. I couldn't be attracted to, or respect such a person.

You can't marry his man. You can't guarantee that your DDs will be straight, so you cannot marry this man. It really is that simple.

My DD2 is gay. Her GF is lovely. My late H had many faults and we were divorcing when he died, but he was never, ever homophobic and would have supported DD2 100%.

There is no way you would not have heard these views before

I know I completely agree with both of you I am disgusted. Tbh it's not that it's not came up it was probably just me being Naive and assuming. When his parents have mentioned it before he told them to be quiet but now I think about it he probably just knew I didn't agree and wanted to avoid a debate.
Your 13 year old daughter is brilliant and brave and I hope if a day like that ever comes for either or my girls they can come to me, I feel guilty that I have chosen to have kids with this person as now they don't have a dad that will support them if they are anything but straight. I don't know what to do, he's the bread winner my baby is only 6 months and I'm an hour away from my home town and we have a house together. What do I do

I could not marry anyone with these views. Absolutely disgusting.

Homophobia often goes hand in hand with a low opinion of women - I've heard it said that "Homophobia is misogyny's little brother".

This guy doesn't sound great - I find it hard to believe that he is a kind, open minded, compassionate man with a high level of respect for other people who differ from him, tolerance for minority groups and sophisticated grasp of humanity AND yet somehow has this one blind spot where he just hates gay people.

I wouldn't go out with someone like this.

Can people please give me some valuable advise. I'm not the homophobic one here my partner is. I'm asking what I can do. I have two children under two, I have a mortgage and I'm an hour away from my home town I'm very upset and shocked as I have been with this man for many years.

Can you gently every now and again try to make positive comments about people you know who are gay. Challenge his view but very slowly. He may have only ever heard negative opinions until now. You might do better by gentle pushing rather than a full blown confrontation.

I don’t think this is a ‘leave your partner right now’ situation. These views haven’t just emerged overnight.
I think I would want to try having a serious conversation with him about it and try and make him understand why you find this so upsetting.

If he's otherwise a nice person, I agree that you may be able to help him change.

Apparently, an effective way to build tolerance (rather than through discussion) might be to find gay people whose work your partner would enjoy /find admirable. Alan Turing, Freddie Mercury, Stephen fry - is there anyone he likes who also happens to be gay? You could suggest watching films with positive gay characters, listen to music by gay artists - anything that reaffirms the fact that gay people contribute a lot of positive stuff to our society.

Thank you ! I'm going to try and talk to him about this tomorrow and try and see if this is his feelings or his parents views . He's 29 he is old enough to have his own mind now. I'll try the positive messages. I hope he understands the way he has been brought up is wrong, if not unfortunately I'll have to leave him which breaks my heart but I can't be with someone like that.

Thank you I will try all those things. I'll try anything but if that's how he feels I can't force him to change who he is. But he will have to be that person without me.

Don't know how much help this is, but my DH went from quite homophobic to tolerant. He still would prefer not seeing PDAs but he isn't turning off tv shows in disgust anymore, either. It used to make me terribly angry but I wouldn't have left him over that. I raised our girls with as little prejudice as possible and made them understand that his attitude was wrong. I taught them that we don't hurt people or disrespect them because of our differences. They recognized early on that his attitude was wrong.
It was surprising that he felt that way. He's never shown racial or religious bias, which are also very prevalent where we live. It's only in the last few years that I've understood why. As a 20-year-old in the military, he was assaulted and almost raped by his roommate. His superiors didn't want to know about it and refused to even let him change rooms. Therapy for PTSD eventually brought out everything that happened, and he now realizes that being sexually assaulted had nothing to do with his roommate being gay and everything to do with the roommate being sexually violent. It has had a profound effect on his character, both before and now. I'm certainly not.saying your DP has had a traumatic experience, but there may be other factors beside the way he was raised.
Maybe you should get some professional guidance on how to handle his behavior. I know it helped me.
I'm sure people will flame me over this, but attitudes can and often do change as society does, and there's a possibility her partner's will as well.

Tell him how you feel! Argue your point. He may not have even had a chance to think about how he REALLY feels about it because he's spent years with his parents opinions being shoved down his throat. Tell him about children committing suicide because they are too afraid to come out as gay. If then he turns round and says he doesn't care then you have your answer..

Don't know how much help this is, but my DH went from quite homophobic to tolerant. He still would prefer not seeing PDAs but he isn't turning off tv shows in disgust anymore, either. It used to make me terribly angry but I wouldn't have left him over that. I raised our girls with as little prejudice as possible and made them understand that his attitude was wrong. I taught them that we don't hurt people or disrespect them because of our differences. They recognized early on that he was at fault in his thinking.
It was surprising to me when I first realized that he felt that way. He's never shown racial or religious bias, which are also very prevalent where we live. It's only in the last few years that I've understood why. As a 20-year-old in the military, he was assaulted, beaten, and nearly raped by his roommate. His superiors didn't want to know about it and refused to even let him change rooms. The CO actually said he was sure that it was just a misunderstanding. So DH forced himself to compartmentalize it. PTSD therapy eventually brought out everything that happened, and he now realizes that being sexually assaulted had nothing to do with his roommate being gay and everything to do with the roommate being sexually violent. It has had a profound effect on his character, both before and now. I'm certainly not saying your DP has had a traumatic experience, but there may be other factors beside the way he was raised.
Maybe you should get some professional guidance on how to handle his behavior. I know it helped me.
I'm sure people will flame me over this post, but attitudes can and often do change as society does, and there's a possibility her partner's will as well.

He's already told you his views so I don't know what asking again is going to achieve. I think you've been burying your head in the sand as this is a conversation you could have had when you first met his parents.

My dh was brought up with homophobic religious parents but he stopped being religious in his twenties and doesn't have any homophobic views at all. People can change from how they're brought up but only if they want to and it doesn't seem like your partner does.

My DH was very homophobic when we first married. He had never met any gay people that he knew of.
Then discovered that a family member was gay. This opened DH eyes and he became much more tolerant as he socialised with family member and his partner and DH was very upset when family member and partner died of AIDS in the early 1990’s.
Fast forward to now and DD1 has come out as bisexual. She was initially hesitant due to DH previous comments about gay people but they now have a great, open, honest relationship.
Just as well really as she has many friends in the gay community who visit her at home 😎

I'm actually quite astonished you could got to the stage of being with someone for 4 years and having two children with them and not have known how he felt.

I am astonished that you are being so unsympathetic at the fact a family could be ruined , two kids lives could be shattered and a mum left heart broken. He has kept those opinions to himself . I'm not saying he had ever loved gay people I knew it made him uncomfortable I did not know he was against it and I did not know he was full blown homophobic.

Where did I say I wasn't sympathetic? I didn't.

But I'm quite serious. I genuinely don't know how you can be with someone for 4 years and not know something like this. You knew his parents were completely homophobic but you never discussed this with your partner? Most people would have wondered to themselves if he shared those views; most people would, having met such homophobia, have asked their partner outright how they feel about having parents with such an appalling attitude. At the very least, have had some cause for concern about them as future in-laws and possible grandparents.

But even now you have just said "knew it made him uncomfortable". Did that not give you any cause for concern at all? Did you not for one moment think "he has an issue around gay people and I'm not sure that's a positive in a partner or as the potential father of my children?"

My boyfriend is the nicest person you could meet and he can't understand why men are attracted to each other but he keeps his opinion to himself.

He voted yes for gay marriage as he thinks everyone has a right to live a free life.

I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Talk to him and find out why he feels the way he does.

No point in asking about how he'd feel about his own children being gay as you don't know what way he'll react if ever in that position.

My dad used to say don't ever come home if you get pregnant but when I did he was amazing.

Having just read your last post, you really need to calm down.

Is he otherwise all right? I mean, I'd be surprised if these bigoted views of his existed in isolation.

Even if you did leave him he'd still be your kids' dad. In your shoes I would be on a mission to counteract his views with a thoroughly pro gay education for my daughters. Any books, TV progs, whatever I could find would be headed in their direction. I would be taking about sexuality and how we're all different but equal non stop. Don't think you'll change his views at this point but you can try to even them out for your daughters.