Homophobic boyfriend

[melh44]

I have a partner of 4 years. Two children. A home/mortgage. His parents are tolerable we visit every 2 weeks and that is all they see of there grandchildren (don't ask me why it's there choice). Ever since I have known them they have had old fashioned views. They hate gay people. They think it's weird, they don't understand it. Today my partners father said something about my two daughters getting boyfriends his mum said something along the lines of "as long as it's not girlfriends" instantly I said straight to the point , if there where gay I couldn't care less I would support them as long as they where happy. They never said much els. When we got home I made it clear to my partner that our children will never be brought up to be scared about there feelings and if there where gay I would support them , I asked him if he would do the same. His answer had me in tears. He said he would be disappointed and that being gay in inhuman. He wouldn't go to there wedding and he wouldn't support them. I had to leave the room as I was so upset. A man who I thought I knew inside out , is a homophobe. We arnt married yet but we where planning it in a few years . Am I being dramatic thinking this is not someone I can marry?? I can't marry a person like this surely ? There are children out there committing suicide because of people like him and his parents. Someone please tell me I'm not being dramatic? I am so upset I had no idea.

Cheesy as a dancer myself i agree. Does your husband? How would your DH react to a son who attended dance class?
Her husband makes her son feel bad for enjoying dancing. He treats his two sons so differently and now the 8 year old is starting to notice.

@CostanzaG We're not married.
I was a dancer too, 12 years of ballet 4-5 times a week- I loved it. Fucked my knee up though at 17 & had to stop, devastating.

He wouldn't get a choice in the matter I'd enrol my son (if we had one) and see if my son liked it, and if not, he could quit. Don't see why my partners views would stop me from taking him!

That is awful I wouldn't put up with that, have those views but don't subject them to your kids.

Don't see why my partners views would stop me from taking him!

It shouldn't but isn't it better for a child to have two supportive parents?
My DS dances.....he knows he has the support from both of us.

have those views but don't subject them to your kids
No! Don't have these views in the first place!

@CostanzaG Obviously him not having those views in the first place would be the best option, I don't know if you've met anyone extremely religious, but he was brought up on the extreme end of Christianity. (We're talking church multiple times a week, he wasn't allowed to watch Harry Potter as a child due to witchcraft, women were made to bare children only, men to work etc) It's hard for me to change his beliefs as he's 30 and had it all his life- even at church! It's hard to convert someone back or help them to see what's actually true and what they believe is a lie/extremely rude/damaging/ignorant.

Of course it's best for children to have 2 parents that are supportive, but worst comes to worst they will always have me. Who knows, we may not end up having kids/he may end up changing and realising that there's nothing wrong with being gay.

Don't see why my partners views would stop me from taking him! because when your partner is telling their sin that he's a cissy and a puff and he's gonna be gay if he goes to dance, you don't thinl that will stop him? Or cause some damage.

I'm not saying you should leave him, or not have kids. But don't pretend that having a homophobic parent won't affect any future gay children and actually any non gay children too. It's amazing what some people think will turn boys gay - dolls, dance, crying, pushchairs.

women were made to bare children only, men to work so you'reookong to start a family with a man who think you're his brood mare? Or has he managed to drag his opinions of women into the 21st century? If so then there's no reason he can't drag the rest of his beliefs with it. Keep pushing him gently to change but I'd be very clear that it won't be tolerated around your kids

@SleepingStandingUp he's never used derogatory words to describe someone whose gay like sissy or 'puff' . He's just said things like 'oh he'll be gay if he does ballet' or 'I hate seeing gay people kissing on tv etc'.

I mentioned previously he doesn't have the views surrounding women.
He always thought that was bull & had no religious meaning.

I do know some deeply religious people and people people with homophobic and misogynistic views. I chose not to have children with someone like that because I wasn't confident his views would change and wanted my children to have two completely supportive parents. That isn't best case scenario. .. that should be the absolute bare minimum!!

cheesy, you keep saying he just says, like they're not really homophobic comments. They are.

@AnxietycanFoff I know they're homophobic, I'm not stupid I meant they're not as bad as some things people could say, but they are still awful.

Ask him if he would be willing to have blood or a heart transplant from a gay man if that was the only option to live.
I find that perplexes some people to the point of not being able to explain in their logic that being gay is bad, evil etc.

Yes, they are still awful. You may roll your eyes, but it very much sounds like you are defending them.

I genuinely feel quite sick reading this thread, as it forces me to remember things I try to forget.

cheesy I know you don't mean to, but surely you can see that saying "he just says" does sound very much like you are almost defending him. As if "these are low level, so it's not that bad really, is it?"

"they're not as bad as some things people could say"

I don't really have the words actually.

oh he'll be gay if he does ballet
Yeah, helpful hint. That isn't OK for a future child to hear, regardless of their sex or sexu orientation.

Cheesy, I’m gay, I played football and rugby until recently, I was also into boxing until I was about 25. Better tell your partner they’re to be avoided too!

Sleeping, you're right and speaking as a child who used to hear this kind of stuff from her own parents, I can tell you it messes you up. It's not low level. It's highly damaging.

Simon exposure to too many balls?? Gosh everything causes gay these days!!

Cheesy perhaps you could go back to live with his fany ensure his child is indoctrinated raised properly

Family not FANY. Oops

@SimonJT that's exactly the point I make to him! I think he's coming around, just need to work on his family next. (They hate me as we're not married yet😂)

@AnxietycanFoff They're not though are they? It's still homophobic and awful, but he could say much much worse. Please don't think I don't understand the severity of the things he says.

SleepingStandingUp especially in the showers after!!!

cheesy, I honestly don't understand why you keep making this point about it not being "as bad".

These kind of comments were made in my house, growing up on a regular basis and it messed me up for a long while.

I'm going to leave this thread now as I don't feel it's helping anyone, please understand I am not homophobic & I do every thing I can to help educate my boyfriend, I would never condone aggressive behaviour or verbal abuse towards gay people from my partner.

I am not defending him- I know what he says is bad, I'm trying to help him and also let people know that religion plays a huge part in some people's homophobia unfortunately.

Thank you :)

cheesy,, I don't believe you are homophobic.

I don't think you are either cheesy but you're prepared to tolerate homophobia