Homophobic boyfriend

[melh44]

I have a partner of 4 years. Two children. A home/mortgage. His parents are tolerable we visit every 2 weeks and that is all they see of there grandchildren (don't ask me why it's there choice). Ever since I have known them they have had old fashioned views. They hate gay people. They think it's weird, they don't understand it. Today my partners father said something about my two daughters getting boyfriends his mum said something along the lines of "as long as it's not girlfriends" instantly I said straight to the point , if there where gay I couldn't care less I would support them as long as they where happy. They never said much els. When we got home I made it clear to my partner that our children will never be brought up to be scared about there feelings and if there where gay I would support them , I asked him if he would do the same. His answer had me in tears. He said he would be disappointed and that being gay in inhuman. He wouldn't go to there wedding and he wouldn't support them. I had to leave the room as I was so upset. A man who I thought I knew inside out , is a homophobe. We arnt married yet but we where planning it in a few years . Am I being dramatic thinking this is not someone I can marry?? I can't marry a person like this surely ? There are children out there committing suicide because of people like him and his parents. Someone please tell me I'm not being dramatic? I am so upset I had no idea.

My friends father is like this. He has missed out on so much - his daughter's lovely partner and his gorgeous grandson.

@Myheartbelongsto There is a big difference between your boyfriend not understanding why men are attracted to each other and the OP's boyfriend stating that being gay is "inhuman", that he wouldn't support his own daughters if they were gay (presumably because he would regard them as inhuman) and wouldn't attend their wedding.

As for asking why he feels the way he does, it's not necessary to ask him. It's pretty damned obvious he got it from his bigoted parents.

He wouldn't be my partner after that and I certainly wouldn't marry him.

I've to.d all my kids I don't care who you are with as long as you are happy. My parents being in their late 70's were quite homophobic but I tried my best to educate them and if my mother ever says anything in front of me she gets a glare from me, she maybe my mother but I won't tolerate it.

My boyfriend is similar OP, though he has never said anything about cutting out our future children if they were gay and I don't believe he would actually do that.

Mine just makes comments like 'oh they're always pushing gay in our faces aren't they!' (When watching TV or a movie) & 'no way will our child do ballet if they are a boy- he'll turn gay!' (When we discuss having kids and what classes/activities they can do- I did ballet for 12 years so would always encourage it for a boy or a girl as it's such good exercise, discipline etc).

I try and say to him 'you can't say that' 'that's homophobic' etc but he just says he thinks gays have an agenda and want to push it on us🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Rest of the time he is lovely so I try to ignore it but it does get annoying and makes him seem small minded/ignorant when he's actually really intelligent so that's what confuses me!😂

makes him seem small minded/ignorant

No seems about it. He IS.

shatners, of course she should ask him.

What difference would it make to find out what made him a homophobic bigot? Can it be cured depending on how it happened?

You’re overreacting OP. Those aren’t your views but they’re his and he’s entitled to have those views no matter how unpopular they are.
Why would a family be ruined? Because he doesn’t think the way you and most people do?
You’ve managed this long to be happy with him and without even knowing his views so its clearly not a topic that comes up regularly. It’s not worth the aggro

I dont think you should leave him because of this - i also have a child that is gay. What is your opinion of him otherwise? If he is otherwise a nice person and a good father there is a good chance that if one or more of your children did happen to be gay he might at first be upset but would come round. My mother was like this with my daughter - she is very religious and was very hurt at first when my daughter told her and couldn't accept it - but after a short while she came round and has accepted it and told her she would always love her whatever she did and they have a great relationship. Is it worth the trauma to your children of splitting up now? Splitting up will not suddenly make him not homophobic - one or both of your children may still have to deal with that when the time comes unless you plan on them never seeing him again - it would make no difference to that - splitting up would just give them another trauma to deal with - it wouldnt mean they wont have to deal with it in the future. It would mean you dont have to deal with it but makes no difference to your children having to deal with it. So i would say stay if this us the only reason you would want to leave him for.

I can't tell you what to do, although I do think a proper discussion needs to be had considering it hasn't come up in 4 years. However, you're right not to minimise this.

I'm not sure how all these people whose partners make the odd comment or complain about gays on tv think it's okay. What happens when it's their own DC? Or when DC's best friend at school has gay parents? Or when a teacher/ sports coach/group leader is gay? Suddenly those little digs become a whole lot more problematic.

Her DD is 6 months old. Bit early to know if she's gay. OP is concerned however that she could spend 20 years with this man, only to discover he's going to discard their DC if they turn out to be gay.

And as I said on a previous thread today already - you have every right not to be with someone who has different moral or political views to you.

Thank you @BlingLoving that is 100% my point . Am I wasting my time? This is what I need to figure out because it could be 20 years off my life wasted if one or both of my daughters are gay. And will my girls be angry with me for staying with a man who may one day disown them ? I don't know. Thank you for your comments

This would be a dealbreaker for me. It's not that this could ruin your family. They surfacing of his views has already don't that.

My husband is from a highly homophobic and misogynistic country. I was very careful to ensure he didn't hold these values himself.

We have two boys and I can't imagine having to spend time hoping they aren't gay because their dad wouldn't accept them.

I would have a think about how he is in real life. Do you have gay friends, do you think he is bigoted in other ways now this has come to light?

Parents separating isn't the worst thing that can happen to children.

Let's play the (positive) Devil's Advocate here.

Your partner has been brought up with these entrenched views, that was not his fault. We all have bad/mad stuff our parents taught us, rightly or wrongly. Larkin had it spot on.

Unfortunately since being an adult, nobody has ever challenged him on that regard; and he also has not bothered to analyse his own opinions either. But that's not to say he can't or won't.

If OP can have a calm and reasonable discussion with him, and start getting him to unpick his thoughts, in the context of having his own daughters to consider, there may be a way forward. People fuck up. We learn new information and realise we can (and should) change our minds.

I don't think crowing about how she should just bin him off right now is helpful. This is her real life.

We have an actual gay agenda conspiracy theorist on the thread. Wow...

It's not a question of whether or not you have the right to an opinion. It's whether or not you want to be married to someone whose opinion contradicts your own - an opinion that could be damaging to your children. Putting things IN CAPITALS doesn't make them more correct. It's not about telling other people what to think (though homophobes can fuck off as far as I'm concerned) but what you want to live with.

@ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth he's really not in all other aspects, a very successful man, runs his own business, lovely to me etc.
Unfortunately his family held those views and he was brought up with them. It's usually a family issue as most normal adults don't adopt those views unless they've been brought up in a homophobic/hating or religious family.

Shatners, it opens up a conversation doesn't it and asking him why he feels the way he does is a good place to start.

Yeah he is ignorant cheesypasta
Its fine if your morals allow you to ignore it because he's lovely to you so that's all that matters. Wouldn't be fine with me but your choice

OP, I hope you're seeing that a lot of us are saying don't end your relationship only because of an attitude that very well may change over time. I don't know anyone who doesn't/isn't allowed to change their minds as consciousness of the world around them grows.
You're worried about what would happen if your dd identifies as gay. I saw something similar happen with my ril. Niece came home to say she was pregnant and boyfriend is a different race. Parents were horrified, badgered her to terminate, most of extended family was aghast. My DH (same guy with gay prejudice that he later reversed) and our immediate family supported her and by the time the baby came the rest of her family was somewhat on board. Their dgs was born with darker skin and curlier hair but otherwise looked like her father's baby pictures. He became the favored grandchild, the dd and bf married, and she and her sister between them have given 7 very loved mixed-race dgc to the previously prejudiced parents. When same daughter ended up coming out as gay 15 years later, our entire extended family (all but one idiot uncle) were very supportive of her and her partner.
You never know what will happen in life, and our beliefs are not set in stone. Look at your overall relationship before making a decision.
I wish you well.

I wonder if the people who would have no issue with having a partner who regards gay people as "inhuman" would similarly have no issue if their partner thought black people were "inhuman" and referred to them as "n**gers"? Or were inherently sexist and misogynist towards women?

An "inhuman", signing in here 🙋

To those of you saying you're overreacting, you are absolutely not.

Comments like this....

Mine just makes comments like 'oh they're always pushing gay in our faces aren't they!' (When watching TV or a movie) & 'no way will our child do ballet if they are a boy- he'll turn gay!'

Are damaging. They're not "just" anything. FFS this makes my blood boil. If you honestly think that is nothing, ask yourself this; If someone called black people inhuman and someone else said "well mine just says there are too many of them on the TV these days", that's just as vile and disgusting, no?..

OP, I know you say you're just looking for advice, but all anyone can say is how they'd react and I'm glad to see that it would be a deal breaker for most.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but as other posters have said, I'm surprised this hasn't come up before.

@Anxiety Now that two of us have used the same analogy I look forward to hearing those previous posters trying to explain the difference when there is none. I'm sorry you've had to read some of what you've read on here.

My uncle is homophobic and so were his sons ( silly comments -flappy wrists backs against the wall boys etc) but he walked me down the isle and his niece came out soon after he is a work in progress his sons are non homophobic now