Homophobic boyfriend

[melh44]

I have a partner of 4 years. Two children. A home/mortgage. His parents are tolerable we visit every 2 weeks and that is all they see of there grandchildren (don't ask me why it's there choice). Ever since I have known them they have had old fashioned views. They hate gay people. They think it's weird, they don't understand it. Today my partners father said something about my two daughters getting boyfriends his mum said something along the lines of "as long as it's not girlfriends" instantly I said straight to the point , if there where gay I couldn't care less I would support them as long as they where happy. They never said much els. When we got home I made it clear to my partner that our children will never be brought up to be scared about there feelings and if there where gay I would support them , I asked him if he would do the same. His answer had me in tears. He said he would be disappointed and that being gay in inhuman. He wouldn't go to there wedding and he wouldn't support them. I had to leave the room as I was so upset. A man who I thought I knew inside out , is a homophobe. We arnt married yet but we where planning it in a few years . Am I being dramatic thinking this is not someone I can marry?? I can't marry a person like this surely ? There are children out there committing suicide because of people like him and his parents. Someone please tell me I'm not being dramatic? I am so upset I had no idea.

• down the aisle at my v gay wedding

he thinks gays have an agenda and want to push it on us🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

WTAF have i just read??! What a disgraceful thing to say. He doesn't seem small minded...he is! I can't believe you are considering having children with him.

As for ballet 'making someone gay'.....he's obviously not that intelligent!

@Nofunkingworriesmate Sorry, when you say you had a v gay wedding, do you mean you yourself are gay and were marrying a partner of the same sex? Is your uncle only homophobic when it comes to ones outside of the family? And you don't mind him being homophobic to others as long as he isn't homophobic to you?

You known OP in reality everyone has an opinion/feelings about everything .. sometimes education or speaking about it allows that person to see a different point of view.

Not everyone thinks the same and not everyone feels the same. We are so quick to condemn someone if their opinion or belief is different sometimes all it takes is communication .. and YES people I KNOW their are twats out there!

Not everyone thinks the same and not everyone feels the same. We are so quick to condemn someone if their opinion or belief is different

Ah, here we go. This is not just an opinion. This is pure HATE and it is toxic.

Again, would you be saying the same if this was about racism? Everyone's has a *right" to be, yes?

Shatners, unfortunately I'm fairly used to it. It's always horrible to read and see that some people still believe that these kind of comments are harmless and that if it upsets us, we're overreacting.

I think telling your partner that you think of gay people as 'inhuman' is strong enough that you probably aren't going to change into a decent human being any time soon.

And yes, holding abhorrent views like these does disqualify you from the category of decent human being, unless you immediately start to work to change the moment you are confronted with reason and sense and accept that you are wrong and hateful.

Well said @pointy

I'm sorry how did it not come up in 4 years??

@AnxietyCanOff

Like I said we all have difference of opinions.

The thing is, just like with racism, it’s not a debate. There is only one right answer - the prejudice should not exist. Being straight is not better than being gay.

I don’t know what I’d do OP, but I don’t think I could stay with someone if these views didn’t turnaround practically overnight but that’s because it goes against every value I uphold in regards to being a decent human.

If this was my DH, even if he said, ‘well ok - if DD is, I’ll tolerare it’ I would not be okay. There isn’t anything to tolerate. It would, however, be up to me to decide if I could tolerate him. Which seems unlikely.

@Hanab So no problem with a someone holding a belief that blacks are inhuman?

Yes, well said, pointy

Hanab, yes indeed, we do. My opinion of people who speak such utter garbage, as this, is very low to say the least.

This is so much more than a difference in opinion hanab

What about someone who is racist? A misogynist? Is that still just a difference in opinion???

My mind boggles at people who think this is a difference of opinion.

'Muslims are inhuman'
'Black people are inhuman'
'Disabled people are inhuman'
'Women are inhuman'

Are those things OK and just a difference of opinion? Or is it just homosexuality that's OK to hate, Hana?

I grew up in an evangelical community and have known more than a few people who parroted their parents' or pastor's remarks usually as young adults and moved on from that so I have seen and know people can change...but inhuman and the rest is really far down the rabbit hole. Honestly, even the worst I knew who used the Bible to defend everything and thought we could somehow corrupt others and terrified me still thought I was human and think gay and bisexual people are human. I like some of the suggestions so far that might help, like using people and creators he likes to humanize, but really, I think it would be a difficult task as ingrained and as deep into that he is to say that. Considerations will have to be made if he doesn't want to change.

I also agree with others that it's surprising it hasn't come up before - while I've known people to do 180s in marriage so we can't always tell, this seems like a long-festering problem that has been dodged to this point. I would worry what else hasn't come up yet that you need to hash out to see him fully and make your choices if this hasn't made a firm choice already. I don't think I could feel safe with someone who would turn his back on someone for their sexuality.

@CostanzaG I know it's wrong, I love him though and tbh I'm sure he'll come around as I'm always correcting him about it. It's only one thing & it could be worse! As long as he keeps his view to himself and doesn't keep subjecting me to it as I 100% disagree. It's not going to stop me being with him/having a child with him in the future

It's a shame he was subjected to it so much as a child- he comes from a very religious family.

This would be a deal breaker for me. And how would he react to my friends who are lesbian?

He’s right about one thing though, gays do have an agenda. It is to be treated fairly and without predjudice

I know it's wrong, I love him though. It's not going to stop me being with him/having a child with him in the future

Yes, it's so easy to love bigots, isn't it?

Wonder how your children will feel having a homophobic father if they themselves turn out to be gay, or have gay friends?

@Shoxfordian I did say it was ignorant, because it is, I know it's an ignorant view

It's fine with me because it's one thing. If he was actively searching for gay people and abusing them verbally or voicing his views in public, it definitely wouldn't be okay with me!
If we all left our partners because they don't believe what we do none of us would have relationships.

He's getting better, us seeing his family less helps as they talk crap all the time about women and homophobia, immigrants etc. (He doesn't talk crap or believe in those aspects but the gay views are from being brought up hardcore Christian unfortunately).

I just sit raging silently at his families houses and try not to rant at them when they spout shit you should have seen me at Christmas...

And if we do turn out to have a child that's gay in the future- I will support them 100% and proudly proclaim to the family that our child is gay and there's nothing wrong with that. I will take pleasure in doing so!

@ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth oh stop, he knows how I feel about it and he's getting better, being away from him family helps as they're always spouting religious crap about gay people and that's what he grew up with unfortunately.

I'm not going to leave someone just because they have a wrong view. I would rather help educate them. (Like I am doing!)

We're not having children for some years anyway so I'm hoping things will be much better by then.

Cheesy it is easy to not see it as a problem when it's still hypothetical...
My friend thought the same. She's now in the process of separating from her husband due to his attitudes towards their son. He's only 8 and we've no idea what his sexuality may be but his dad is convinced my friend is 'going to make him gay' because he attends street dance.

@StarlightLady
" It is to be treated fairly and without predjudice"

100% agree. & I will support that view till the end of time.

@CostanzaG Oh dear, that's a nightmare! I've already said I don't care as I Ioved ballet as a child and male ballerinas are truly incredible athletes, the strength is amazing! That is to be admired.

@StarlightLady I have a cousin who is gay & he's polite to her & her wife (we don't know them that well tbh)
I've never known him to be negative to someone in real life or voice his views outside his family & I would go ape shit if he did!