Homophobic boyfriend

[melh44]

I have a partner of 4 years. Two children. A home/mortgage. His parents are tolerable we visit every 2 weeks and that is all they see of there grandchildren (don't ask me why it's there choice). Ever since I have known them they have had old fashioned views. They hate gay people. They think it's weird, they don't understand it. Today my partners father said something about my two daughters getting boyfriends his mum said something along the lines of "as long as it's not girlfriends" instantly I said straight to the point , if there where gay I couldn't care less I would support them as long as they where happy. They never said much els. When we got home I made it clear to my partner that our children will never be brought up to be scared about there feelings and if there where gay I would support them , I asked him if he would do the same. His answer had me in tears. He said he would be disappointed and that being gay in inhuman. He wouldn't go to there wedding and he wouldn't support them. I had to leave the room as I was so upset. A man who I thought I knew inside out , is a homophobe. We arnt married yet but we where planning it in a few years . Am I being dramatic thinking this is not someone I can marry?? I can't marry a person like this surely ? There are children out there committing suicide because of people like him and his parents. Someone please tell me I'm not being dramatic? I am so upset I had no idea.

If you are staying with him, you need to make sure your girls know that being gay is okay and that their dad and grandparents are bigots. Make sure you challenge their views particularly when the girls are present.

I am going to go against the grain of most other posters on here. I was and am super involved in gay rights, too.

I don't think this is worth breaking up a family over. If you hadn't yet had kids with the man, I'd say run but it's already too late for that.

If you leave over his opinions, then you're breaking up a family and it's entirely possible he'd end up with some custody as well of your daughters. Just because you've split up doesn't mean his opinions will change. At least together, you can tell your daughters that there is nothing wrong with being gay rather than having them go to their father's and potentially be subjected to homophobia without you being there to refute it. Also, if your daughter or daughters do end up coming out, he's their father regardless - it's not like leaving him will mean he will never see them and be able to disown them etc. If thats how he is, it'll happen together or not. Personally I'd think you'd have more leverage to force him to keep his thoughts to himself if he knew voicing them would cost him his marriage and family. Also, people sometimes change when their own child comes out. It's not out of the realm of possibility.

I'd be clear to him and your daughters that you think these views are wrong and you will love and support your children no matter their sexual orientation. The fact that you've gotten this far without knowing his opinions on the matter may mean they're just quietly held beliefs and while they are terrible, he's not going around spouting this nonsense for everyone to hear.

Being gay is inhuman? Then why are so many humans gay? Fucking idiot logic. Can guarantee that, though bisexual, I'm a better fucking person than your DP.

The only homophobic friend I have continued to be friends with was raised in a country where it is illegal and he decided that actually it was fine when I informed him that gay men do not tie their penises together when they have sex 😂 does DP know this?

I'd be horrified, though I don't understand how you're 4 years in and never knew he held these views.

I don't think immediately leaving is the best answer though, I would try and talk him round, teach him why you believe it's ok etc and challenge his views.

If he persists over time to be awful and homophobic you can make your mind up then.

@cheesypastanow oh great! Your DP just thinks we're a conspiracy of queers in private! Fab

@cheesypastanow You say your boyfriend never believed the comments about women should just have children?

He isnt that indoctrinated by his upbringing is he? He cant just pick and chose the bits he was indoctrinated with?

He seems to be perfectly able to see that women are more than a brood mare and his famies beliefs are wrong.

Since you've already got kids with him. Getting married is academic. It's a bit late now!

Referring to anyone or specific group of people as ‘inhuman’ sets quite a dangerous precedent, as seen in the past with horrendous persecution of certain groups, that followed on from dehumanising those groups. My father had quite a few gay friends from his school days and my parents were quite liberal. Rather than stereotypes, I saw people with various life styles. My DH has a couple of gay family members, so again, it is the ‘normal’ for us. Ironically, we found ourselves branded as homophobic a couple of years ago by two gay men, after I asked them to please refrain from very graphic descriptions of their sexual exploits (gang bangs, felching, cottaging and other stuff) around my DC at a BBQ. Their sexual preference was not the issue, it was the totally inappropriate behaviour in front of two early primary aged children at a day time family event. There are some guys among the gay scene who do get off on being very confrontational and 'making straight people squirm' with pretty extreme sexual inuendo. It is attention seeking behaviour and I also noticed extremely misogynistic behaviour by a certain section of gay men. I refuse to accept that. Gay rights do not trump women’s rights. We were invited to this BBQ by DH’s gay family member and these were friends of friends that gate-crashed. Not every situation needs to turn into some uber camp ‘The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert’ side show at a family event. There is being accepting and then there is goading a straight man repeatedly by telling him that after 8 pints his arse will be destroyed in front of his DC. So, I would like to add that there has to be some mutual respect by both straight and gay people.

I would like to add that there has to be some mutual respect by both straight and gay people.

Wtf am I reading?..

This shouldn't be a case of, if the straights respect the gays then the gays should respect the straights?! Their behaviour was completely disgusting and inappropriate, of course, but to use my previous analogy, if I saw a group of black men speaking about how many women they'd banged at the weekend, in front of children, they would be compete arseholes, but it would have nothing to do with them being black?

Nobody should speak that way in front of children. It has nothing to do with them being gay, but for some reason you've felt the need to categorise and separate gay and straight people into two different groups, rather than simply separate appropriate behaviour and inappropriate behaviour.

If making homophobic comments isn’t as bad as other things a person could say I’d hate to know what exactly you would need to hear!

As a gay woman some of these comments really shock me.
If I suddenly discovered my dp of 4 years was a huge racist, I would absolutely end the relationship, no question.

Gay men do not automatically represent one single homogenous and automatically oppressed group, they are still men after all with the perks of being born with a dick. There is quite a large number who are deeply misogynistic towards women, especially Lesbians. Dr Adrian Harrop being a prime example. I have witnessed that hostile behaviour frequently enough both in my work and during social occasions. And I repeat there has to be a respectful attitude from everyone! There is genuine homophobia and continued persecution in many countries. However, there are sadly also some shallow, bloody nasty 'queens' who very much get off on being as offensive as possible and then screech homophobia when challenged. Bystanders are pressed into being an audience in an attempt to be as inappropriate and outrageous as possible. I’ve witnessed this kind of behaviour over and over, I am not easily shocked but I draw a line when it is done in front of kids and the intention is to provoke a reaction. I am really pleased that my DH who works with me is laidback and very secure in his sexuality, so he doesn’t prescribe to the toxic machismo that seems to be behind a lot of homophobic behaviour. But I’ve dumped a long-term friend though for constantly trying to hit on him and making belittling comments how the difference between a gay and straight man are 8 pints.

@Grumpelstilskin

I'm not sure what you personally not getting along with a few gay men has to do with the OPs dilemma.