SAHM finances

[cactusintherye]

I am a SAHM to pre-school children. I would like to work part-time but it's difficult to find something that pays enough to cover the cost of childcare.

DH and I own our house. We have a joint account that is only used for the mortgage. He gives me an allowance every month (less than statutory maternity pay) and I have no access to any other money. He earns around £80000 a year.

I don't pay any bills out of my allowance but most of it is spent on food and things for the children. I very rarely have any to spend on things for myself i.e. clothes.

I feel very much like his money is not our money despite us both agreeing that I would stay at home for a few years to look after our children. I hate having to think about money all the time while he has savings and a big income.

A friend was shocked that we don't have one joint account I can access all the time and said it was financial abuse. On one hand I feel like me not having access to all of the finances is abuse but on the other I feel terrible for not contributing financially. I do feel generally uncomfortable about it.

My confidence has suffered since having children so I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal out of it - is anyone else in this situation?

I am currently a SAHM and have full access to any money I need from our joint account. DH has always said it is our money and if I got a job at some point, it would all go into one pot still and our money collectively would cover the cost of childcare. IMO it shouldn't be just your wage covering childcare, they're his children too. He should contribute to every aspect of parenting.

@YouBoggleMyMind Thanks for replying.

I wouldn't be solely paying for childcare out of my salary but the job has to pay enough for it be worthwhile, if you see what I mean?

Deep down I know my situation is not normal but then again his attitude to money is not normal.

I find this shocking, OP. I'm back at work now but when I was a SAHM I could access as much of our money as I wanted/needed. Have you discussed this with your DH? What does he say?

His 80,000 covers more than enough to make it worth while, whatever your salary? Why isn't he willing to give you access to more money? And that money that he does give you should be for you, not for your DC? He has much more personal spend compared to you and that isn't really fair either.

So what is happening to the money he earns? Savings? Does he spend it on himself? Of course you should have equal access to all money. You should be equal partners. Why does he think otherwise? Does he see himself as better than you?

Do you buy all the food shopping out of your allowance?

I’m a sahm and get a monthly ‘allowance’ as we don’t have a joint account (by choice). We sat down when we both decided I would stay at home for a few years after dd2 and worked out exactly what I would need. I pay for the food shopping, my mobile, petrol, one insurance and stuff for the kids out of this money. We worked it all out and then made sure that I also had enough extra to cover things like haircuts, clothes, the occasional meal out with friends, presents for friends/family, etc etc. I wasn’t prepared to give up my job and then have to go asking for money or going without (we can easily afford what he gives me). I get 1350 per month and he is a high earner. Anything left over each month goes into savings.

When we sat down and worked it all out he was genuinely surprised. I think he thought about £400 per month would cover it all. Maybe you need to do this with your dh? When he sees it on paper he may realise you need more disposable income. And no it’s not fair that he has lots to spend each month and you’re watching the pennies.

Wow.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

I'm on mat leave now and getting stat mat pay (which you know isn't much) my smp and DP's salary goes into the joint account to cover all the household costs. We then get the same amount of spending money out of what's left so we can buy what we want. This is because his income is our money, we're a family, a team, we're in this together and you and your DH should be too. The way your DH is acting is financial abuse, he is leaving you in a very financially vulnerable position and it's a horrible way to treat you. You say you feel bad for not "contributing financially" but what about the contribution you are making by being a SAHM, taking care of your DC and facilitating him staying in his £80k job (and getting all the perks that come with that including keeping his pension topped up etc. Has he considered the significant financial sacrifice you are making for your family?)

OP if you're unhappy you need to have a serious discussion with him about how the financial situation is organised, don't sit on this, stand up for yourself, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (especially by your husband who vowed to support you for richer or poorer).

Is he paying into a pension pot for you?

@Arowana Whenever I bring up not having any money he says his money is "our money" but it's really not if I don't have access to it, is it?

I feel like he's obsessed with money and doesn't trust me to keep track of what I'm spending.

Writing it down and seeing these responses makes me feel like such an idiot. I have to find the confidence to tell him it needs to change.

I work and my DH is a stay at home dad. Most of my wages goes into the joint account which we have equal access to and the rest is being saved for a family holiday. I can't imagine giving him an allowance unless he was terrible with money.

@BobIsNotYourUncle He hardly spends anything on himself - he saves a great deal.

I think it's more to do with his attitude to money than his attitude to me.

You definitely need to change this. I am SAHM, I get £500 paid into my account each month for me to spend it save without having to explain. Good for buying presents or the occasional splurge. And there’s a joint credit card, which is used for all household/family stuff, if I also buy things just for myself using it then it isn’t questioned. We might have the occasional chat about spending a bit less/being able to relax because DH’s income is not consistent each month, and neither of us would make a significant purchase without discussing it first, but he would never consider the money ‘his’.

And DH never buys anything for himself either, (unlike me!) but he doesn’t resent me for doing so. I find it quite frustrating when he complains that he doesn’t have any clothes for example. But we can afford for him to get some, if he could be bothered to shop!

Not good at all OP. You need to put a stop to this and also get a job.

Thanks @Naboo. I'll just magic up a job.

@NabooThatsWho sorry for the snappy comment but I have really been trying. Getting knocked back has also really affected my confidence.

I'm a very low earner at the moment (student with bursary) away to be a stay at home mum. Currently everything is joint and all bills out of there including nursery which will stop when I qualify. All spending is done on a credit card which gains points and my husband pays it off at the end of the month. So I would be able to spend up to the full limit of the card if I wanted but I obviously wouldn't do that. So not an allowance as such.

Sounds very much like your husband sees it as 'his money' I'm afraid.

Also...be careful. I used to be a banking adviser and if he died the only thing that can be paid out until estate settled is the funeral bill. Obviously that's worst case scenario but can you imagine having so much savings tied up for potentially years all in his name while you have no access to any funds

I understand what you say about covering childcare but perhaps you need to do it regardless so that dh is forced to pay half of childcare and you have some money of your own?

Maybe showing him what that would cost him would shock him into not being such a stingy selfish twat?

Hi OP. I was in the same position as you a few years ago & the wise words of Mumsnet made me realise how unfair the situation was.

Me & 'DH' had words....ALOT of words as he just refused to see things from my point of view.

Two years later I now have access to our main account, I have a job in school hours (DC are a bit older now) & I've just gone out & bought myself a much needed car (after discussing it of course).

It was hard, & I had to stand firm & be strong with him but I believe it saved our relationship.

Christ.

We've gone a long way back, kid.

You are contributing financially - were you unable to care for the children, he would be paying a lot on childcare. Do you also get the child benefit paid into your account?

I'm on mat leave at the moment. My mat pay goes into my own account but Dp's wages go into a joint account, all savings is joint too.
I'm not touching my mat pay, so anything I need for me or Ds

Having been in both situations (joint money and separate money) I don’t necessarily think that all money earned should be shared.

If I worked hard to earn 80 grand a year ( is this before or after tax because if it’s before then it’s not that large an amount if you live somewhere expensive to live) then I wouldn’t want to share my money with my partner who was staying at home. Yes I know he would need to pay someone to look after them if you weren’t there but you are.

I think if you want your own money then you need to work.