SAHM finances

[cactusintherye]

I am a SAHM to pre-school children. I would like to work part-time but it's difficult to find something that pays enough to cover the cost of childcare.

DH and I own our house. We have a joint account that is only used for the mortgage. He gives me an allowance every month (less than statutory maternity pay) and I have no access to any other money. He earns around £80000 a year.

I don't pay any bills out of my allowance but most of it is spent on food and things for the children. I very rarely have any to spend on things for myself i.e. clothes.

I feel very much like his money is not our money despite us both agreeing that I would stay at home for a few years to look after our children. I hate having to think about money all the time while he has savings and a big income.

A friend was shocked that we don't have one joint account I can access all the time and said it was financial abuse. On one hand I feel like me not having access to all of the finances is abuse but on the other I feel terrible for not contributing financially. I do feel generally uncomfortable about it.

My confidence has suffered since having children so I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal out of it - is anyone else in this situation?

Posted too soon!
Anything I need for me or Ds comes from the joint account, which at the moment is just Dp's wages.
I spend more on myself than he does on him but he never objects and if I say I need something he says to just buy it. We do have an agreed limit for any one purchase and an approximate amount per month that we're ok spending without discussion with the other.
For instances I've just bought a few new t shirts and a pair of converse approx £100 I didn't ask or mention it to Dp, but I've seen a dress I'd like for a wedding that's a few hundred pounds and I'll mention that before I buy it.

Your DP brings home around £4K per month after tax so childcare would be easily affordable if you worked as well. Even if it is London prices at £1500.

Keep applying for jobs as it sounds like your husband doesn't respect you.

"If I worked hard to earn 80 grand a year ( is this before or after tax because if it’s before then it’s not that large an amount if you live somewhere expensive to live) then I wouldn’t want to share my money with my partner who was staying at home. Yes I know he would need to pay someone to look after them if you weren’t there but you are."

I wouldn't stay at home if that was the way my partner saw things - why shouldn't he share? They decided jointly she would stay at home and it makes his life a lot easier. I earn almost that amount and my working life would be much, much easier with a SAH parent supporting me - nowhere on this planet would I think I should get to keep most of the money I brought home in that situation.

I wouldn’t want to share my money with my partner

Just wow.

You share a life, a house, a bed, your children, your chores, your meals, the very air you breath, but you wouldn't want to share your money

If he wants control of the money, you need to sit down with him and do an accounting of what the costs for you each month are for food, household shopping kids, etc. You should then add a reasonable amount (say, £200-£400) for your own enjoyment and personal needs, and the same amount again in a pot for your own retirement savings.

You can tell him that either the money gets entirely shared; you get this bumped up amount that allows you small luxuries (which is commensurate with your household income, not extravagant); or you are going full time back to work and will split bills including childcare proportionately to your incomes (so, if he's making £80k and you're making £40k, he'd cover 2/3 of childcare).

Oh don’t be dramatic

I just think it causes too many problems and resentment eventually, plus I like to spend ( a lot!) and wouldn’t want anyone commenting on it, so separate accounts works for us.

I’ve full access, in fact I control all the finances - we have agreed budgets for various costs but food shouldn’t come out of your allowance, there should be amounts per spending category.

I couldn’t sah without having personal spending earmarked. My h is also more frugal on some dimensions - but otoh runs a car we don’t need for anything day to day as he loves it so he acknowledges that is his luxury.

I wouldn’t want to share my money with my partner who was staying at home.

You talk as if your partner is spending their day sitting on their backside doing fuck all. I take it you don’t value being a sahp whatsoever and consider yourself more important. What happened to being a family, a team?

Surely food shopping and children’s expenses should come out of the joint account as they are a joint expense. If you want to get your nails done or spend £4 on a latte, that’s a personal expense. What money you access to pay for each of these things should reflect this distinction or else yes, it’s unfair at the best of times and at the worst, financial abuse.

I work but no way do I pay for that sort of stuff with my own personal money (that pays for commuting, eating out on my own, my car, phone, personal luxuries, etc.) Everything else is joint.

I’ll also say that when I went back to work after my 1st mat leave, my salary just covered childcare costs (my dh made a lot less than £80k at the time). But it was very worth it. We both now earn significantly more, but I earn nearly double what I did then (6 years ago), so there is so much advantage to being in work even when you are (collectively!) paying a lot for childcare. At 80k a year, nursery costs should make a small dent. We jointly earn about 90k and nursery is well worth it, financially and psychologically.

Well staying at home with kids is not working, I’ve done it, and it’s nothing like working ( and I had 5 under 5 )

I’ll going to stop commenting on threads about money because it’s not a big issue for us, we don’t need money from each other and both just pay for stuff here and there, there’s no sitting down planning who pays for what and what goes where, so maybe I’ve just lost touch.

Op, You need a spreadsheet and a big conversation. You need to sit and write down every bill, gym, phone, petrol, savings, food, debt, kids stuff etc. Whatever is left should be halved. There is no fairer way. Also try and feel that what you are doing as a sahp is worthwhile. Have confidence and feel proud.

Thank you @Silversky70. I think a big problem is that I don't particularly enjoy being a SAHM anymore - I see it as mundane and I know it absolutely is worthwhile but at times it's hard to see that. That's a whole other issue though.

I agree, seeing what we actually need to spend a month then splitting the rest is fair. The "big" food shop comes out of his account but we often run out of things and I can end up spending £10-£20 a day on food for us and the kids/nappies/formula etc. He will give me money if I ask but it's the fact I have to ask that I hate. This thread has given me the confidence to have the chat this week.

I hated being a sahp too, but both of us saw it as worthwhile. I'm back at work now, but in a very low paying role to accommodate the dc. We still use the spreadsheet. Both salaries go into it. Dh earns far more than me. He lets me have full control of it. Everything is transparent. I know a few of his friends think he's mad as they like to keep their money to themselves. It feels so wrong to get pocket money. Very 1950s.

OP- find a job and make sure that your dh starts taking equal responsibility for childcare and housework. It's not until he starts to see how much time and money it takes to outsource the work you do that he will value your contribution. Do not get a job and still be responsible for everything else and I don't just mean money, actually doing so.

Working isn't harder than looking after children and it depends on your set up. But working whilst having to juggle childcare and housework etc is harder thank having someone take care of it all for you.

I was in your situation for many years and I hated it. I'm so much happier now with my job and independent income etc

If you could get a job even if it's a wash with child care expenses it would be good as a building block to getting a normal full time job later. It's hard to get any job from being a SAHM unless you have connections, so the sooner you can make that jump the better. So this first job may pay crap, but the job after that should be better.

My DH earns less than yours and I am a stay at home Mum. We have equally access to the joint account and we both have the same amount of ‘pocket money’ a home.

Working is not just about income, it’s about pensions, self confidence, career progression and freedom.

Btw DD goes into childcare to socialise and to give me break and that money comes out of the joint account.

Op honestly I mean this in a kind way, but it’s not worthwhile unless you genuinely enjoy it.

The kids would have a great time at nursery and you would get financial independence at work, plus time to just be you again.

Is he a kind man or are their controlling tendencies?

I would schedule time to discuss finances, start to build a spreadsheet or I assume he already has one.
He might be resistant to change but Ex gave me access to joint account as he realised it could be perceived as financial abuse which is against the law.

If fixed the issue of cash but not his underlying beliefs.
Are you at least claiming CB? Definitely include an allowance for your pensions without that you are damaging your future security.
He should put savings into your pension as it is cost effective.

Let us know how you get on.

screw that, my partners wage goes into my bank account so i can pay the bills/food/ needed things and put some to the side to save and then whatever is rest (normally a few £££ a month so not tons) gets spent on whichever one of us wants or needs something, Its always worked for us and neither of us complain if the other person wants to buy something that month, at the end of the day we have 1 baby and another on the way together, we have joint Everything.

Youd rather pay a stranger to look after your children than their dad mabellavendar?

Weird.

Anyway op. Im a sahp. All money is shared. Thats normal. Your situation is financially abusive.

Op if you do go back to work DO NOT be the one to take off all the sick days, only work school hours etc. He can do half.

OP - I have to tell you this is so far from normal - it’s horrifying.

What kind if man gives his wife less than statutory maternity pay fgs!

What kind of man “gives” his wife anything at all?

Where I come from and also in DH’s culture, if a man isn’t prepared to share his earnings and fully support a family, then he has no business getting married and having DC at all. Simple as that.

My DH has fully supported me and several DC for over a decade. The money is in the current account for both of us and that’s it. We never quiz each other about spending habits because clearly if we didn’t think something was necessary and viable, then we wouldn’t have bought it in the first place! We trust and respect each other’s decisions - that’s what marriage is.

What your H is doing is financial abuse. Make no mistake about this. No wonder you’re not enjoying being a SAHM! Who would, if they’re living on a pittance and having to “ask” for money like a teenager? It’s unbelievably patronising and in no circumstances should a man expect his wife to live like this - like a second class citizen in her own home, all for the “crime” of bearing and raising HIS child. Whst has the world come to? This is pathological behaviour.

Say to him tonight - am I or am I not your wife and the mother of your child? Do you see me as equal in this marriage or not - yes or no? Do you value my role as a mother to your child - yes or no? Are you prepared to man up and support your family like a normal H and father - yes or no?

Tell him his despicable attitude is driving you back to work and your baby into childcare before you are both ready because he is treating you as the (under)paid help and it’s a disgrace. He should be thoroughly ashamed. I can’t bear to hear these stories in 2019.

I wish you the best of luck. Don’t let him manipulate you for one more day.

OP, you do need a serious discussion with him. It’s not right having so little money.

If he prefers you to be SAHM then he needs to acknowledge that you have no income and that he must pay for all bills, food and everything the DC need.

If he resents giving you money then you need to get a job, and pay for childcare. I presume that you don’t claim CB but you could and then he would have to pay it back each year. He should take that into account.

He obviously thinks we are still in the 1950’s

This is worse than the 1950s though. Back then, yes , there was the expectation that women should be housewives, but not the expectation that they should do it on a pittance. Nor did women feel as if they had to justify their existence by earning money. Usually it was women who controlled the budget and the household finances, even though the DHs may have actually earned the money. It certainly wasn’t the done thing to begrudge your wife for being a mother by giving her less than she could have earned herself!

Bit concerned about the responses on here. My DH gives me £500 a month from a £80k wage and that's got to cover everything and anything child related, bills for my insurances, phone, petrol and food for us beyond the 1 big shop we do. He thinks I'm crap with money because I'm obviously skint about a week before the end of the month OP reading this maybe we're not crap & just genuinely struggling. I also work 1 day & evening a week but what I earn isn't extra to the £500 he just deducts it from the total.