SAHM finances

[cactusintherye]

I am a SAHM to pre-school children. I would like to work part-time but it's difficult to find something that pays enough to cover the cost of childcare.

DH and I own our house. We have a joint account that is only used for the mortgage. He gives me an allowance every month (less than statutory maternity pay) and I have no access to any other money. He earns around £80000 a year.

I don't pay any bills out of my allowance but most of it is spent on food and things for the children. I very rarely have any to spend on things for myself i.e. clothes.

I feel very much like his money is not our money despite us both agreeing that I would stay at home for a few years to look after our children. I hate having to think about money all the time while he has savings and a big income.

A friend was shocked that we don't have one joint account I can access all the time and said it was financial abuse. On one hand I feel like me not having access to all of the finances is abuse but on the other I feel terrible for not contributing financially. I do feel generally uncomfortable about it.

My confidence has suffered since having children so I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal out of it - is anyone else in this situation?

If he's got your best interests at heart, then it shouldn't be a problem to re-jig finances so you have access and are protected financially.

Go into the conversation well prepared.
Talk to him about your pension provision for one thing.
Also, are your national insurance contributions being covered? If he earns that much, presumably you're not receiving child benefit, but you should claim it and him pay it back or otherwise ensure you are being credited. Else your state pension will be fucked as well.

I'm a SAHM and have no income of my own. DP salary (similar to OP's) gets paid into the joint bills account. Every recurring cost comes out of this account - from mortgage, to all insurances, childcare, even down to his pants subscription and my Lego subscription and nails - and I maintain a spreadsheet so we know exactly how much we will spend each month. I allow a small surplus each month for anything not strictly recurring (ds's club subscription for example).

Then I give him an amount into his personal account, and I take an amount to cover groceries and petrol and general spend on kids clothes and coffees etc.

Then we transfer the remainder into a joint savings account and either of us can drawdown from there if we need to, or it gets moved to savings (in my name) at the end of the month.

I did have to tell him I wasn't happy with the initial arrangement (he used to get paid into his account and give me an amount each month) to get to this point. I'm also much better and care much more about household finances than he is - I move utility and insurance companies to save money etc.

You need to have the conversation OP.

• I feel like he's obsessed with money and doesn't trust me to keep track of what I'm spending.

Writing it down and seeing these responses makes me feel like such an idiot. I have to find the confidence to tell him it needs to change.*

OP I think before you have the conversation with him and, yes you do need to, I'd take the advice of other PP's upthread and put together a spreadsheet showing all the costs involved in running your household.

I'd also include the costs of the jobs you do as a SAHM which he may have undervalued or even not recognised. Eg: what is the cost of childcare per child per month in your area, childminders and nursery? What is the monthly cost a cleaner to come in and clean, do some laundry etc each month, monthly costs for a gardener? what is the monthly salary for a PA to do a lot of the admin things you currently do etc. What is the cost to you monthly on "lost" pension contributions because you have given up work temporarily to be a SAHM? Put everything in. I'm sure you will both be surprised at the inequality of your positions.

BTW should food costs come from your allowance? Surely if he paid money in a joint "expenses" account accessible to you both he see the costs there including basic house maintenance costs (is non food related but keeping the house clean and safe, council tax, insurances, detergents etc). Its sounds as though you are already losing out financially irrespective of what was ore-agreed.

You "are given"? You have "an allowance"? Jesus Christ, you're not a child. You are his equal partner. Yes, this is financial abuse. At best, it is someone who sees you as less than him. Absolute disaster in the making. He is not a good guy. He does not see you as his equal. You must fight for this. Now.

DH and I have unequal amounts coming in each month as I’m on a pension, it’s an ok amount but no where near what he earns. He pays for almost everything and transfers money in to my account each month. It works for us as we end up with similar amounts left per month. No joint account and it’s not necessary if things àre done fairly, your situation is very unfair.

I am a sahm and have issues with joint finances too. I get child benefit and tax credits (total of £450 a month) which I use to pay for my mobile, car tax, insurance, petrol, repay car loan, all children's activities /clubs, their clothes and shoes etc. Which basically leaves me with almost nothing for myself. My husband pays a set amount of his wages into a joint account each month to cover all household bills and food. I then use the joint account card for the weekly shop. Any money my husband has left over from his salary stays in his current account or he saves. He frequently tells me how he has no money although in theory he should have a reasonable amount left over each month.

I look forward to the day I am financially independent again once the children are a bit older and it is easier for me to work.

It's really interesting reading this thread, mostly I'm thinking of how I'd feel if my husband earned 80k! Wow!

I've been a SAHM for 4 years, my husband brings home 2kpm. We "get by". It's worked for us and is what we wanted. Hed give me £300pm (I also get CB for two kids) , he'd put £1200 into a joint account which covers all bills and mortgage and he'd have £500pm spends for him. He has an expensive hobby which is where most of his 500 would go. My 300 is for me and days out with the kids.

I've always been in charge of finances though and if I wanted more for something or had an unexpected bill I'd take it from his account and he'd have no problem. I'd discuss it with him out of courtesy but he'd never stop me.

I'm returning to work two days per week now, partly for some social sanity and partly because we're not saving much currently and it's a bit of a worry I have atm.

These are selfish b***rds, they really are. I actually can’t bekueve the things I read on here.

NeedSleep - So your DH doesn’t even tell you how much he has left over - what goes into his current account and how much he saves?

Reddragon - Wtf! So he has £500 for himself and expects you and 2 DC to get by on £300 plus CB? And he justifies this on the grounds that he has his “expensive hobby.” Words fail me.

Just because you’re a SAHM does not mean you are a child, beholden to handouts. It’s family money. Simple as that. If you have a H who can’t grasp this basic concept, don’t SAH full stop and let him go part-time with you or SAH himself. Or better still, don’t have kids with him in the first place. Sorry, but this is atrocious.

Reddragonqueen

You need a separate pot for kids' clothes and days out etc. Your pot of money should be separate.

Whoa there, honestly I'm more then happy with how much I get. Kids clothes come from the joint account and I'm happy using my money for days/lunches out with the kids.tbh I've got a NT and EH membership so days out aren't expensive. I duno if it's just where we live but I get by no problem on my funds. Like I said we just aren't saving much atm. Plus with CB I get over 400 spends so theres not much different between husband and I. And he always pays if we have days out together

Husband has always had this expensive hobby, it's not any kind of problem i was just saying where his money goes

I think different parts of the country must bay massively, we do fine on 2kpm, I'd feel like a queen if my husband brought home 80k.

*vary not bay

I very much wanted to be a SAHM and I'm happy to cut back to allow this, husband has to. I think we must just live quite cheaply compared to others anyway

Your husband is a skinflint! When I was a SAHM, my DH gave me £1000 a month. That was to cover food shopping, kids savings, my savings and my car insurance.
And he only earns £50K.
But he has never given me access to his account. Have my own separate accounts for everyday use and savings.

If you are in UK you need to claim child benefit, because this pays your national insurance stamp while you are not working, this goes towards your state pension. Look at www.gov.uk website. He may need to claim the money back if higher tax payer. Secondly, you need more money or go back to work

It was my Dp who suggested all his wage in the joint account as he didn't like using a few accounts and because he did say what about if something happened to him, I wouldn't have access to 'his' money. I think that's quite a legitimate worry though if accounts aren't in both names and you just get a set amount a month what would happen if your partner was in hospital in a coma or something terrible. Maybe it's easier if you're married we aren't but I still imagine it taking some time to sort out.

I'm really glad it's all shared though as I just don't think I'd be happy feeling like he was 'giving me' money each month. Everyone's different I guess but I know it wouldn't work for me.

This thread is fucking depressing. All these women living off allowances. I don't care how generous it is, if you don't get equal personal money (for you, not groceries or kids stuff or activities) then it's sexist bullshit.

Women should not consent to be sahms on these crappy terms.

I actually probably spend more on myself than my husband. He bought clothes this week for the first time in months. He works 12 hour days and if he goes out it's usually with me. We have very high bills and one child goes to nursery a few hours a week so once you take that into consideration we don't have much left over.

What we do have goes into savings (for spending on the house or in case he loses his job) or on overpaying on the mortgage so we can bring our monthly repayments down. Neither of us are living like royalty.

What I do want is to feel equal and have financial security. At the moment I feel like he has all the power.

I had no idea about not claiming child benefit affecting NI contributions - it of course makes perfect sense now I think about it. Thank you to the posters who pointed it out.

I've made a list of points and will chat to him tonight.

I’m a SAHM and DH works. I have a credit card for expenses and he pays it off every month. I can put whatever I want on the credit card - groceries, kids clothes, days out or stuff for myself, DH never questions it. So we don’t have a fixed amount of “pocket money” each - we just buy whatever we want or need and we trust that we’ll both be sensible. We’ve never felt the need to formalise it by saying we have X amount each.

I never understand people who say that childcare is a shared expense though. Surely what matters is the difference between how much my job would pay and how much childcare would cost? If the cost of nursery is more than I’d earn then it’s a no-brainer for me to SAH. DH’s salary is irrelevant in the equation.

cactusintheeye,

re your comment:-
"What I do want is to feel equal and have financial security. At the moment I feel like he has all the power".

Correct - but that is how he wants it to stay as well. I do not feel your chat tonight with him will go very well because he could well stonewall or otherwise come out with bluster. He won't want to give up any of his financial control over you.

And what for you if he deigns not to give you what you should have in terms of equality and financial security?.

Aside from this issue what is he like with you day to day?.

(On a separate matter entirely you may be want to make what are called capital repayments rather than merely overpaying the mortgage sub. It would be worth seeking advice from your mortgage provider on).

I am not a SAHM, but would be unwilling to be one without a joint account.

Currently in the UK you need 35 years National Insurance contributions to claim a full state pension. You can do this by working X amount of hours or claiming some benefits. You can check how much you have contributed, the date your pension is due & estimated how much you will receive on www.gov.uk website.

OP - if you were to sit him down and say something like, “DH, this situation with you giving me the allowance is increasingly causing me to feel restricted and humiliated in my day to day life. This is bad for my self-esteem and mental health. It’s not even the amount as such, it’s the concept of being given an “allowance” by your own husband! That is the problem. You do realise that this is not normal in most marriages. You should know me by now and trust me well enough, as the mother of your DC, to realise I’m not likely to splurge family money on things that are non-essentials. Why would I do this when we have children to consider. Either you respect me as an equal or you don’t. Which is it?”

What do you think he’d say to that?

You must claim the child benefit in your name, to claim your NI 'stamp'

Some men just don’t see sahm as equal partners. They just don’t appreciate the fact that by staying at home women are making their husband’s lives easier.
Op, I would consider going back to work if I were you

I'm a sahm and all money is regarded as ours. We both have full access to the accounts. In fact I have more time and am more financially aware so I organise our bills and all our finances. We both contribute equally (but differently) to family life. I wouldn't have it any other way as a sahm.

OP let me tell you about my situation just to compare.

I am the high earner - over 80K - and DH is the SAHD. Only he is a SAHD to 3 cats.

And yet we have a joint account where everything is shared. If DH wants to go and buy some clothes, or spend some money on his hobby, or do a top up shop, then he does. I don't track this because I trust him and I love him and we have roughly the same approaches on spending.

Despite the fact I'm out all day at work and he is basically a cat-sitter, I still view him as an equal partner in our marriage due to emotional support he gives me.

Now if I can do that for looking after cats, why can't your DH do this when you have actually grown his children and kept them safe and alive, looked after their development? Your job in your marriage is massively important and as such you have access to less than SMP is offensive.