SAHM finances

[cactusintherye]

I am a SAHM to pre-school children. I would like to work part-time but it's difficult to find something that pays enough to cover the cost of childcare.

DH and I own our house. We have a joint account that is only used for the mortgage. He gives me an allowance every month (less than statutory maternity pay) and I have no access to any other money. He earns around £80000 a year.

I don't pay any bills out of my allowance but most of it is spent on food and things for the children. I very rarely have any to spend on things for myself i.e. clothes.

I feel very much like his money is not our money despite us both agreeing that I would stay at home for a few years to look after our children. I hate having to think about money all the time while he has savings and a big income.

A friend was shocked that we don't have one joint account I can access all the time and said it was financial abuse. On one hand I feel like me not having access to all of the finances is abuse but on the other I feel terrible for not contributing financially. I do feel generally uncomfortable about it.

My confidence has suffered since having children so I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal out of it - is anyone else in this situation?

DollyTots, that's incredibly unfair and financially abusive. What is wrong with these men?

I can’t imagine wanting to be with a man who is happy to share a bed with me but not his salary, to put it bluntly . We’ve always had a shared account, for years I was a SAHM (joint decision) and of course I had full access to the bank account and could spend what I wanted, we are both sensible adults & clearly one of us wouldn’t allow the account to go overdrawn just for the sake of buying luxuries. But I’ve never ‘asked’ what I can spend or been given an allowance, that sounds like pocket money .

Dolly, that's horrific, particularly the deductions for your own earnings. It's not a partnership. It also erases you: it suggests that you're something of use but not someone who might have wants or desires of her own. (Like, say, buying yourself a book to read on a whim.) Financial sacrifices should never be one-sided in a couple. When money's tight, both should make sacrifices; when the household income is secure, then both should have small luxuries.

And as for those who say it's a way of signaling that husbands are unhappy with your decision to stay home (something I hear here once in a while), he needs to tell you about it and have you work it out, not punish you until you're coerced to his side of an argument.

Fwiw, I'm not a SAHP and couldn't be for a host of reasons. But if it's a choice your household has made, then leaving you with so little is controlling, punitive, and unloving.

This would be unacceptable to me. I would not let him keep all the money for himself while I put in just as many hours raising his kids and enabling him to work

Dolly - that is shocking . How long have you been living like that? You are living on £6k a year! What is wrong with him?

Could you go back to your previous career?

Your partner sounds like a really tight!

I can end up spending £10-£20 a day on food for us and the kids/nappies/formula etc
You need to do a more thorough big shop. Spending 70-140 a week on top of a big shop is crazy.
Nappies and formula will stock so. Ale isre you have more than you need so you're always running an excess. Their expensive so will really eat into your money.
Who does the shop? Shove some treats in too so you can reach into the cupboard instead of your purse.

But think you def need to talk to him about a fairer way of living.

Also if you get a job that warns the same as or slightly less than your childcare costs could you as a couple afford it? Might be worth the extra cost short term if it helps your mental health

DollyTots he sounds like a dick. You so need to put. Ore stuff in your big shop, then contemplate how much better off you'd be single

I wouldn't be happy with this OP. He is a high earned, sounds like the money is just sat there and you can't have it for something as essential as clothes.

My DH is quite protective over 'his' money too, but I am working and he contributes far more than me to the house/car/mortgage.

@Mabellavender well let's hope you never end up with some disability that means you couldn't work and therefore rely on a partner to support you financially.

And yes, this happened to me. My health meant it made more sense for me to be a SAHM and I have been one for 14 years.

Dh and I have shared finances, we have been together for well over 20 years and we share the same attitude to money. He could not have progressed his career without me being a SAHM working the hours he needed to.

I do not have to answer for everything I spend, nor he to me. Every year we have a look through what we spent our money on and whether we want to change anything.

I have a credit card that Dh pays and everything goes on that, for me and the children. I have full access to all bank accounts and can spend as I like. I know how much DH earns, how much is in savings etc.

I couldn't be given an allowance because it would feel like he was my Dad making sure I could handle my money.

@DollyTots if it is sooo easy for you to manage on £500 why doesn't your Dh see how he manages to do it? He could show you how it is done. Give him the task to do it for one month. Maybe he hasn't realised how expensive food is these days.

Oh god because I've stumbled through on that amount I've just seen it as our normal. He pays for absolutely everything else though mortgage, holidays, bills, takeaways etc. So didn't think I had it bad at all. I consider myself so lucky someone is willing to 'give me money' as it were. We do have joint finances but I can't use it without asking. He'd never refuse money I'd ask for if needed - although yes I hate to ask and there's always a little wind up with it. It's so odd, I don't feel 'financially abused', I felt bad I'm not managing my money well enough. Sorry I didn't mean to take any attention away from the OP, I just understand where you're coming from.

@mirobiro I’m sorry to hear that, but like i said I have been a sahm reliant on a man before, with my exh, but I’m pretty sorted when it comes to money so I won’t ever be in a position of relying on a man financially ever again ( ironically because I did so well in my divorce from the first one )

@risotto erm no... I was talking to op, she hates being a sahm I was saying why not send the kids to nursery so she can go back to work.

Me and dh run a business from home so we both look after our (8!) children equally!

Wow.
This is more about the lack of trust of you and the lack of value he places on what you are doing as a SAHP, than the figures themselves (though - wow, how mean, on an £80K salary )

From when we had dc, our money has always been that our money. Because we are different in our natural attitudes to money (1 a spender and 1 a saver), after all family spends go out, we have a small standing order to our own accounts for us to choose to spend / save as we want, but any spending on home / bills / holidays / cars / food / etc naturally comes out of the family money.

If I worked hard to earn 80 grand a year... then I wouldn’t want to share my money... I think if you want your own money then you need to work
It doesn't matter how much you earn. Either you're a unit or you aren't. I can't find suitable childcare for my 3.5 yo because. He has complex needs. DH didn't want to quit work. I quit work. Should DH be able to spend all his money freely whilst I can't afford any others, no food beyond what I'm allowed to spend on the big shop, no social life as it all costs?

Or perhaps I should work til midnight, get in at 1, do all the night wakings then get up at 7 with DS just so I can prove I'm contributing to our household?

Keeping separate accounts is perfectly okay and not financial abuse in of itself. He's going about it all wrong though. There should be a joint account for paying for necessary expenses. Your allowance (that's an unfortunate term but accurate) should be for you to do whatever you like with. Spend it on yourself or save it.

I feel terrible for not contributing financially. I do feel generally uncomfortable about it.

You have zero reason to feel guilty, since you are contributing free childcare and other household labor. Sounds like you should probably go back to work at some point though, for your own self-esteem and to establish a greater degree of independence from your husband.

“ My DH gives me £500 a month from a £80k wage and that's got to cover everything and anything child related, bills for my insurances, phone, petrol and food for us beyond the 1 big shop we do.”

Dolly, but then in your second post you say he pays for “absolutely everything.”

I really do mean this kindly, but you shouldn’t be grateful to a husband who “gives” you money. You should be livid. - It’s your money as it is! He couldn’t go to work otherwise to earn the bloody money. If he wants you at home, he has to accept that all money is family money. It’s not “his” to dole out as he sees fit. He’s not your employer fgs. He’s your husband and you’re a family.

My DH earns about five times as much as me. We both keep about £500 of our salaries per month ‘free’ spending money for our mobile, gym membership, clothes, personal socialising etc. Everything else goes into the joint account and everything comes out of the joint account. We both have full access to the joint account and spend as we like. We do chat about finances I.e how much money do we have to spend on the kids birthdays etc. But it’s joint money so major decisions are a joint expense. When I was on maternity leave i had the same amount of personal money as him regardless of the fact that I wasn’t contributing into the joint account anymore

My MiL once asked DH how much he gave me a month for food, family expenses etc - he looked baffled and said “there is just our money mum, there’s no giving anyone anything as it’s ours”

I'm currently on maternity leave then returning part time. We have a joint account.

He makes approx £2000 pm.
I make £1000 pm.
(Not a lot I know )

He puts in £1860 in the joint and I put £870 in the joint so we both have £100 to ourselves each month, and £30 & £40 each to pay our own phones.

Rest is in joint account for bills, food, baby bits and anything left over after the month goes into savings or we have a little treat day.

You are already contributing by looking after the home and his children. If you were not there he would have to pay for a housekeeper, cook and/or childcare.

It is financial abuse. He has sole control over what should be joint money and does not allow you access to enough money or presumably to make financial decisions.

I am in a similar position to you op. I gave up work to be a sahp. My DH transfers money into my account each month for the food bills. Over time I have gradually shifted more and more of my bills onto him.
I genuinely don't think he is mean, because if I asked for something, I'm sure he would buy it for me, but firstly, I hate asking and secondly, he often makes me justify it or present my research into why is the best/cheapest/whatever.
I had a big conversation with him once where I really told him how unhappy I was and he was shocked to learn about it, and although things haven't changed that much on the surface, I still get the monthly money transferred, but that's more to do with his cash flow from running his business. I feel differently asking him because I know how much he values what I contribute.
It really is more about how he views money and the baggage I was dragging with me, than him being finally abusive.
I suggest a conversation where you list your expenditure, (so he can see your not wasting it), then a conversation as to how much he will have to do so that you can work, from covering some of the housework, to the mental load to the taking days of if the children are sick/holiday cover etc, etc.

Some posters seem to have assumed he questions me about my spending or I don't contribute to decisions about spending - that's not true. He has never asked me what I spend my money on. If we need something for the house we make a decision on what/how to spend. If I need something that I can't afford he will buy it but it's the asking that bothers me. I'm not a child.

I would be happy to keep my "allowance" but I do want to have access to his account and have my name on it. If we go out for dinner with friends I have to wait for him to get his card out. If we want to go away I have to rely on him to book somewhere. If we need any work doing to the house he has to pay or transfer the money to me. He goes away with work quite a lot and what happens if there's an emergency where I need access to a large amount of money? What if he dies the day before pay day and I'm left looking after two children with nothing in my account?

Do you accept that you are being financially abused here by him?.
You are an adult without full access to funds, this is how you are being controlled. He giving you an allowance therefore is demeaning and your name is not on his account either. Such men do not change, I would seriously plan your exit from this relationship and asap.

I read your initial post and there are a lot of red flags pointing to financial abuse re him.

And Dolly you are being financially abused also.

Abuse like this is hard to spot also because it is insidious in its onset. I would also think that these men are not solely financially abusive either, they are indeed abusive in other ways too. Their actions here are not loving ones but are about power and control. They want absolute here.

The manipulation of money and other economic resources is one of the most prominent forms of coercive control, depriving women of the material means needed for independence, resistance and escape.

Lack of access to economic resources is a reason why many women feel that they have no choice but to stay with an abuser.

Economic barriers to leaving can result in women staying with abusive men for longer and experiencing greater danger, injuries and even homicide as a result.

Economic abuse doesn’t rely on physical proximity, so can continue after separation. Women are often left in debt and the lack of financial security impacts on their ability to rebuild their lives after leaving.

And no you should not be bloody happy to keep your allowance either, this is family money. I would also think his attitudes are deeply entrenched and it may have been learnt from his own parents.

By looking after his children as well, you are facilitating his life. Your contribution is immense.

He will not add your name to any account and I would also think he will also sabotage any and all attempts you make to get back into the workplace.