37 weeks and my boyfriend just said

[brexitisamare]

He will "smash my face in".

He's playing a game online downstairs, fine. But he was screaming at it and it woke me up so I text him asking him to please keep it down.

He text me back telling me to "fuck off".

So I turned the WiFi off (it's in our bedroom). Quite childish of me now I look back but I was absolutely furious at being woken up and told to fuck off when I hadn't actually done anything wrong.

He came banging up the stairs, punched the bedroom door and said "if you ever do that again I will smash this whole house up and I'll smash your face in".

And he turned it back on, slammed the door, said something about wishing we weren't having our baby and now he's back downstairs playing whatever he's playing and I'm sat in bed shaking.

I realise my behaviour here was a bit childish but surely nothing warrants that? I don't think he will come back up or do anything providing I don't touch the internet (I'm not going to move now at all).

He's quite a calm person and I guess I've seen him angry before but nothing like this and he's never threatened me before. I cannot believe that's just happened. I don't even know why I'm posting I just don't know what to do now I'm sat here shaking and trying to calm myself down as I am heavily pregnant with this horrible mans child.

I can't leave because I don't have anywhere to go at this hour and to be honest the thought of having to go downstairs right now petrifies me.

I guess I just need a handhold here 😞

This isn't going to get better OP as you have realised.

Is there somewhere you can go where you will be safe? Family/close friends?

Don't worry about money yet, you will probably get benefits and be a housing priority, and he will have to give you minimum 15% of his net pay as maintenance. All that can wait though as your safety is the most important thing right now.

Can you quietly pack a bag and leave? Do you drive? Do you have access to a joint bank account you can use? Get a taxi if necessary or waddle round the corner and get an uber if they exist in your area? Would a friend come and collect you? Preferably a scary one.

He is abusive and there will be more incidents if you don't end the relationship.

Some reading:
signs of emotional abuse
the abuser profiles

Some practical advice:

• Call Women's Aid, the national helpline is 0808 2000 247 and you should have a local one too. They can offer practical help, advice and support
• Confide in family, friends, your midwife
• Consider reporting his abuse to the police as this will put you in a stronger position to protect yourself and your baby.
• You may be able to get an occupation order or non-molestation order which would allow you to stay in your home and force him to leave, but it might be more simple to find out if you can end the tenancy or get yourself removed.
• After you've separated, you will be able to claim Universal Credit which includes some help with rent. After the baby is born, the amount will increase. You should also set up child maintenance at that point.
• I advise you to give baby your surname, not his, and not to put his name on the birth certificate (you wouldn't be able to unless he went with you to register the birth, anyway). If you put him on the birth certificate he will automatic have parental responsibility which gives him some control over decisions affecting your child. If you don't, he'll have to apply to the court for parental responsibility, which he may or may not do.

Do you think he really will hit you or is he exaggerating because he's pumped up with the aggression of the game?
Absolutely irrelevant.

OP, please get away from this abuser before the birth of your baby as it will feel impossible after.

Everything the OP has posted points to "gamer rage" rather than your "standard" domestic abuser. Read more then because your advise is dodgy. I know gamers, dh used to be one and NOT ONCE did he ever threaten me, and none of my friends have threatened their partners. Good to see your Uturn on it, but you should never have posted it in the first place.

Abuse starts during pregnancy all the time, and you dismissing this as "gamer rage" is excusing violence against women. This is ABUSE. Nothing less.

the next day, and to this day, he says that it's my fault he said it because I made him so angry. Classic abusive man excuse. It's never him, it's you.

How can he have been so calm, loving and considerate and now I'm getting told to fuck off for asking to be able to sleep in the house I call home? Well he hasn't been calm and loving, has he? You said yourself he says horrible things and is cruel when angry. That's not loving and considerate.

You saw his true character tonight! OP, and all excusing his abuse please understand emotional abuse is VERY REAL!! It doesn't have to be violent to be abuse.

maybe show him this thread. - @HumptyNumptyNooNoo
NO NO NO!!! DO NOT DO THIS! Please do not suggest this again. He will be livid that she has dared to discuss this with anyone, let alone strangers and chances are he will become violent.

I also have stated many times that my partner had not acted like this before and that I didn't understand why he'd changed, He hasn't done anything to this extent before, but you said he is cruel when you argue. And he dismisses you. This is NOT good behavior op, and it all links together to show what a horrible man he really is. Just because it has never been this bad before, doesn't mean it hasn't been bad for a while.

Otherwise, what @BorsetshireBlew said.

It'll be harder to leave when the baby comes. Can you go stay with a friend / family member?

Please seriously consider telling the police. If you split up, you will need this as evidence in case he wants shared custody and you're worried about how capable he is (e.g. if he's aggressive or neglectful to her.)

Don't get his name on the birth cert. It gives him parental rights, and you have more control if only your name is on it.

Go without him and register her. No need to tell him about it.

The "bore off" comment was hurtful enough, his behaviour last night is absolutely unacceptable.

Imagine your house burned down, where would you go in this kind of emergency to sleep at night and sort out next steps?

Seriously consider going there.

Brexitisamare, are you safe at the moment? Can you make phone calls without being overheard?

I’ve just spoken to my friend, who’s a local authority Housing Officer. He seconds calling Women’s Aid, and he says they’ll probably advise you to contact your local authority housing department and make a homelessness application. He says your local authority should accept you as homeless, as there has been domestic abuse (this doesn’t have to include domestic violence).

Your local authority should have an out of hours service, so you should be able to speak to someone today who can arrange you emergency accommodation in the first instance.

And please don’t blame yourself. As other posters have said, it’s very common for domestic abuse to begin or escalate during pregnancy - my friend sees women in this situation all the time.

I want just a one off was? He's been unkind and deteriorating in his behaviour towards you for a while now... nothing to do with the wifi and gaming high - and if it had been, he'd have reflected, felt awful and be absolutely grovelling beside himself now.

Stay strong lady.

What a complete asshole!! Do you have any family you could stay with?

I'm so sorry - what a terrible shock for you. Sorry also that a small (but undoubtedly hurtful) minority of comments on here have been so unhelpful.

As others have said, abuse often begins during pregnancy. Take this as a very serious warning sign. Stay strong. Log it with the police, not because you need help right now (I hope) but because it may be part of a wider pattern that develops.

OP I am so sorry, but very glad your instinct is to go immediately. You are right. Absolutely right. Note that everyone on here with a similar experience has said just one thing. Wish I'd gone sooner.

I have no direct experience myself but can tell you in a very 'long story short' about an acquaintance of mine who had similar - even down to the gaming. To be brief, she stayed for 2 1/2 years after the birth of their little boy, until he threw the toddler across the room in a fit of anger when he wouldn't stop making a noise. Thank god he landed between a sofa and beanbag and wasn't seriously hurt. He now has supervised access. The rest is a mess.

Someone who can threaten to 'smash your face in' to his pregnant partner over basically nothing isn't in control of themselves, and angry men who can't control an urge to be violent are a danger to everyone but especially babies. Don't take the risk.

To practicalities. Yes, leave, absolutely. You could go to the police and get him out, but for a rented property, it just isn't worth it. You need as little conflict as possible at this stage of your pregnancy and it is 100% easier to safely and quietly arrange to leave while he is out. Fuck the tenancy. The financial side of that can all be sorted with the help of e.g. women's aid as well as the police. To be able to take yourself to a safe location which a. he does not know and b. he has no link or claim to is far safer and easier.

How to do that? Well firstly, do you have family or friends near that you could stay with? If not (and even if you do, this might be preferable) - please consider going to a refuge NEAR to those family or friends and as far as possible from him. Please read the pinned thread on this board on refuges- it sounds a scary option, but really isn't, and would provide a temporary safe place with advice on tap. If you have family you can depend on but don't necessarily want to stay with or who can't put you up, contact them, find a refuge near them, DON'T let him know anything about it and get yourself there. You can stay removed from him for as long as you like. Maternity care can be swapped. If you are then near people you trust, hopefully that will mean a new birth partner too, maybe stay with them straight after the birth. Then you can take it from there.

Once you are out, PLEASE report his threats of violence to the police. This is SO important - as once the baby is born, there will be the question of contact and you need, absolutely NEED to have reported this in order to maintain as much control over initial contact as possible - with this documented, you can push for very little contact at first (as you won't be separated from the baby and if you can eg get a restraining order, you can keep him pretty much away for quite a while). Then you can push for supervised contact etc. Without reporting, this is a LOT harder and you will have a lot less protection from him. Reporting can also make it easier for you to swap maternity care to a new location, get extra support before and after the birth etc. Get the professionals on side - it will put you in control and there won't be a thing he can do to throw his weight around.

Don't have him at the birth - the last thing you need is to feel anxious and stressed in labour.

Don't put him on the birth certificate - he can apply for that later, but again it gives you more control, do NOT give him parental responsibility from the off.

Give the baby YOUR surname.

If you are protected in a refuge, all of this can happen quite safely before he even knows the baby has been born. You could leave a letter advising him that you've left for your own and the baby's safety because of his threats of violence, you have reported to the police and are in a safe location, and you will contact him once the baby is born. Any attempt to contact your family or you will be viewed as harrassment. That's all you need to say. He will then get a visit from the police.

Hopefully this might sound a useful potential way through this. Don't speak to him, contact family/friends and women's aid once he is out of the house and make a list of important documents and sentimental/valuable things to take, but look to getting yourself somewhere where he cannot contact you now for these last few weeks before your baby is safely born.

Wow, he is a complete psycho. You need to leave him before the baby is born. If he gets this angry about a game then how's he going to react when your daughter is crying in the night? He shouldn't be near a vulnerable baby, he could hurt her.

If you have nowhere else to go you could move into a refuge until you find somewhere more permanent, but the main thing is to get away from him before the baby's born. Don't put his name on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname. He could take you to court to have the birth cert changed but hopefully he won't bother, and then he won't be able to stop you going on holiday in the future, or to turn up at her nursery and collect her.

OP, I'm glad to hear you're safe today.

I really feel for you, this is such a difficult situation. But I can tell that you are strong, and wise, and brave. Your daughter is lucky to have you for a mother. You'll get through this. xxx

It is never acceptable to speak to anyone like that. This won’t get better my darling. You deserve better.

You sound like a very strong woman. I am so glad to read your update this morning. Please do reach out for RL support. I bet no-one will take his side if he tries to blame you.

So sorry you're going thru this op. I had similar red flags when I was pregnant, main one being at 34 weeks so he had more time to get round me, I let him.
He only got worse and we split when baby was 4 weeks old.
I just wish I had taken advice off here, everybody gave me the same advice they're giving you but once the dust settled I just tried to put it behind me.
My biggest regret is the birth certificate and giving dd his name, I really wish I hadn't done that.
Please don't keep this to yourself op and speak to somebody you can trust

Can I just add that not ALL gamers are losers and addicts.

My husband has been gaming for nearly 20 years and at one stage was semi professional and went to gaming festivals and everything. He mainly did it because he was single and that was his hobby and
he too worked in the gaming industry.

When he met me he said it was the best things to happen to him and he withdrew a bit from and we did things in the real world.

Yes we have had arguments here and there if he's got a little too into a game but he's never been violent or angry to the extent your other half has. My husband used to live and breathe gaming even having his own "man cave" for a computer.

But again we still have a normal social life and it's just his hobby I have to accept. Bullshit to those saying gaming makes people violent. It's more likely the alcohol.

Anyways we have an 8 month old and buying our first place soon and HE was the the one who decided he would sell his beloved PC and has hardly played any games since our son has been born. On occasions I put our son to bed by myself so he can play downstairs but he's always respectful and quiet.

Your OH sounds like he has issues and I know if what happend to you happened to me I would be out in a heart beat. Not for me but for my baby.

Next time if you think he's going to have an outburst record it. Get some proof and if he's that bad call 999 and get him removed from the house. Might be the scare he needs.

Op just to assure you, you CAN raise your baby alone.

I left my partner with my first baby at 34 weeks. He became violent during pregnancy. The final straw for me was when he threw a screwdriver at me shattering my car windscreen, covering me in glass and blood, because I was leaving his house as he was in a grump. I was a teenager and raised my son entirely alone for the first 3 years. Stupidly I then let him back into our lives believing him to have changed and grown up. He hadn’t. They never do. But I got pregnant again and the violence started again. Final straw this time was when he squirted me with lighter fluid while I was stood by a lit BBQ with our 5 year old. I think what scared me the most is that our friends were also there. They saw it all. I figured if he was happy to do that infront of people he would be happy to do a lot worse to me behind closed doors. I left him the next morning.

You can do this OP.

Ilovemaxibondi FUCK! Im glad you are out of that.

OP - you can do this alone, because you wont be alone, you will have support, friends, hopefully family who will be there for you.

Please contact Womens Aid. Stay safe.

Still haven't had any contact with him, but I can hear him now shouting at the game again (he slept downstairs). I actually feel sick.

I wasn't expecting an apology and I don't even want one, but how on earth can he just carry on knowing he threatened his heavily pregnant girlfriend last night to the point I haven't even been downstairs to get myself breakfast yet because I want to avoid him.

I agree that not all gamers are losers or aggressive and I hope I haven't given that impression as I don't wish to offend anyone who enjoys a hobby, but in this case I would say my partner is a loser and aggressive and actually, a total and utter arsehole.

He knows how badly I'm struggling with the SPD to the point I actually sobbed and begged the consultant for an induction the other day (rightly so they said no as it's too early). And last night I was crying about it again because I just wanted to lie down and nothing was comfy (sounds dramatic and hormonal I bet, but my god it really is painful). And he not only didn't check on me last night (pre argument), he hasn't this morning. Everything about this man is making me sick right now. I definitely am going to look into my options tomorrow when he's at work. For today I'm going to try and get up and take myself out for lunch and just try to enjoy some part of the day. I don't want my little one listening to any shouting or violence.

big warm hug and handhold

Luckily we'd already agreed baby is having my name so that isn't even something he could protest, not that I'd change my mind anyway.

As for people taking my side, to be honest I don't think anyone would believe me (maybe a couple of my friends), as he comes across so quiet and calm whereas I'm the more social one so people generally think I "wear the trousers", which is such utter bullshit. People think he's stopped going out to the pub and stuff because I won't let him, when actually it's because he's obsessed with his game. I'd love him to go out so I could have some peace and quiet and maybe sit in my living room every so often!

We had a big argument before and he went back to his mums for the night, this was when he said he wanted something bad to happen to me, and she knew that. She messaged me saying "he's here now and he's ok I've made him a cup of tea and popped the tele on for him". I was furious! If I went to my mums or even a friends and told them that I'd said something like that to him, I'd be getting a stern telling off not treated like a poorly child sent home from school.

It's no wonder he can't see that his behaviour is wrong, but I guess it's my responsibility to show him isn't it. Not in the hope he will change but for my own future and for the sake of my child. I grew up in a house where my parents adored each other and even on the rare occasion they'd have a tiff I'd feel scared and that was no violence or raised voices, just my two favourite people being a bit cross with each other - so to imagine how a little one would feel listening to a real argument makes me so sad.

Thank you so much to the brave amazing women sharing their stories about leaving, I take my hat off to you all. As much as I'm adamant I have to go, and I believe I will, I'm aware how easy it would be for me (short term anyway) to just sweep this under the carpet and stay in comparison to uprooting myself at this stage of pregnancy. But you're all showing me it's the right thing to do and that it'll be worth it, so thank you very much x

Please can you meet with or go to a trusted friend or family member while you go out today? You don't need to tell him. And tell them what you've told us.

Please go somewhere today. Think about what to do when you are away from him- don't wait until tomorrow. I think you are vulnerable and in danger. Please go somewhere.

Wow, somebody sent you that as a private message?

That poster should be banned.