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Original poster

he turns his messenger off

106 replies

sonicfox · 19/03/2019 16:24

been dating a guy for a few months. going well. all good.
we chat on messenger every night for an hour or two. when we stop chatting he hides his last active status and its kept on like that all day. he doesnt respond to messages until he turns it back on and will chat away....so if i send him a message saying hey hows your day he doesnt read it until he turns it back to online and then he replys.
yet if he sends me a message he will chat away no bother.
to me its all on his terms. it screams to me that he doesnt want me seeing when hes online, he doesnt want me to talk to him...
hes on annual leave this week and doesnt have much on so its not like hes busy...but will wait till 9pm to chat. weird.
i dont like the vibe its giving me. thoughts?

OP posts:
tardiz · 19/03/2019 16:26

He is married or has a partner i reckon.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/03/2019 16:27

It's not worth it is it?
This soon in and he's already playing games.
You don't need it and nor should you put up with it.
Time to move on from this one.

NorthEndGal · 19/03/2019 16:27

To me he sounds like he just doesn't want to be bugged, but you know him, and I dont

user1479305498 · 19/03/2019 16:29

Some people just don’t like to feel they have to be available to respond all day, every day , they like to compartmentalise, I’m like that to be honest , I worked with someone who constantly seemed to wantchats this way, non stop texts, WhatsApp’s etc, it annoyed me to be honest. He may not be hiding anything to be honest

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 16:30

Can you phone him in the evenings and he answers?

Original poster
sonicfox · 19/03/2019 16:31

the thing is he sends me messages at work sometimes and keepa the last active on and we two and throw messages, instigated by him....but a lot of the time he turns it off. it just feels very one sided. i will talk to you when i want to so you will juat have to wait....yet im expected to reply and sit and chat all night.

OP posts:
Original poster
sonicfox · 19/03/2019 16:32

yes he does usually

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 19/03/2019 16:33

He is married or has a partner

Based on the fact he turns messenger off? I do exactly the same.

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 16:35

Well you need to decide if he’s for you based on that.

It wouldn’t bother me - I text people back and forward as and when and answer when it suits me but if it bothers you then it bothers you.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 19/03/2019 16:40

OP in fairness you are not expected to sit and wait really though are you ? You are able to get on with your life and if he messages great surely ?

If he has an issue with you not replying straight away yes then that's a dick move but I can't see how he's playing games by not being permanently available

I hate with a passion people who stalk or comment when they see me online I find it really intrusive

I used to have to use whatsapp for work and a friend got a hurry that I was online and didn't respond to her....erm nope I was communicating with carers...ala working.

Since then I hide my status on everything and would be highly pissed off if someone told me I "should " always be available unless I have a good excuse

I love DP with all my heart but if I don't feel like responding to a text and it's not an urgent query then I don't

Original poster
sonicfox · 19/03/2019 16:41

i just feel like hes being secretive. hiding himself from me. its not like i bombard him with messages. sometimes its a hows your day or i saw this and thought of you type thing....thats all.
some days he has a quick chat. turns it off again. then waita till 9pm. i just dont see the need to actively turn it on and off. but to keep it off the whole day but suddenly appear at 9pm and im expected to jump. thats how i feel really.

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 19/03/2019 16:43

Has he told you he expects you to reply at 9pm ? Does he have an issue if you are doing other things and not online when he is ?

If so then yes you are right it's controlling

If he hasn't expected you to be available at 9pm then you aren't expected to jump ..im afraid that's entirely something you've created

TheVanguardSix · 19/03/2019 16:45

The thing is, there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing but you don’t really do this when you’re into someone.

I don’t like to be compartmentalised either OP. You know, when it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right, invariably. I’m sorry to sound negative but I think your instincts are talking to you.

Original poster
sonicfox · 19/03/2019 16:48

i think he would be pissed off i ignored his messages at 9pm yes and told him hours later i was busy.
if i had made plans i would have said im doing xyz tonight will text you later have a nice night.
its just the fact he doesnt read them until he turns it on again. if he sent me a message he would leave last active on waiting on my reply. so he controls when we talk....if i sent something i would expect a reply even if he did say speak later.

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 19/03/2019 16:50

Are you expected to jump? Or do you just do it? What happens if you're unavailable when he messages? Is he bothered or does he accept that you'll reply when you can.
I'm busy, my bf is busy. We reply to each other when we can. Or not 😂 sometimes I just wait til I see him Confused I don't hang round waiting for him and vice versa but it doesn't bother me.
I trust him and he's never made me doubt his feelings towards me so his messenger status or his text reply time hasn't ever really entered my mind.
Have you asked him?

Newadventure · 19/03/2019 16:51

Do you mean facebook messenger??

And sorry but how do you know he's turned it off?? He might just be offline or if he has actually turned it off then maybe hes trying to save battery/data? My mate keeps his phone on airplane mode sometimes to save battery. Not sure how it works but that's what he does and it's purely innocent.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 19/03/2019 16:52

Why do you think he would be pissed off ? Has he ever commented or said anything to make you believe that

To be honest OP at the moment it's looking like you have placed these requirements on yourself

Where are you getting that he would be pissed off ?

FriarTuck · 19/03/2019 16:53

To me he sounds like he just doesn't want to be bugged
This ^^. I can't think of anything worse (well I can but..) than being expected to reply to random messages during the day when I'm busy. Maybe he gets the impression that if he's showing as active you'll expect a reply. And he may not expect a reply from you at 9pm, that could be your assumption.

dontfluffthefluffer · 19/03/2019 16:57

It depends what playroom he's using to chat with you. My messenger is always off/inactive on my phone but I'm still kicking about. When I've used my laptop it's off but when the desktop was used it automatically reverted that to being online for that machine (until I turned it off - I had an issue with someone tracking my every online/offline on it once 🙄)

Maybe he has it set that way (to appear offline) until he uses say his tablet or laptop which he uses when chatting with you.

Don't ignore your gut though, it often is right but just giving a possible reason.

dontfluffthefluffer · 19/03/2019 16:57

Platform. Not playroom. That would be weird.

gamerchick · 19/03/2019 16:57

Mines always off. I detest it when people see I'm active and bombard me with messages. Much better to chose when to do messenger.

Original poster
sonicfox · 19/03/2019 16:58

yes facebook messenger. usually you can see when person is online or when they were last active but he turns if off so its blank.
we talk every night at 9pm so i think he would be a bit miffed if i had messages sat waiting and actively ignoring them. wouldnt anyone?
hes on annual leave so hes had plenty chance to just check in but hasnt.

OP posts:
cathf · 19/03/2019 16:59

This is one of those threads where it it were reversed, and the OP'ss partner was complaining because she was not permently on alert for messages, she would be advised to run for the hills.
It's a bit controlling really, but isn't it?

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 19/03/2019 17:00

You sound like you're hard work, OP. He's allowed to switch his phone off, and not be constantly available.

Nothing you've said suggests that he has said you need to be available at 9pm - you seem to have taken that on yourself.

I would say he's done nothing wrong here. But if you need the reassurance / security of somebody being constantly available, then maybe he isn't the right guy for you. That said, you'll find that most people with healthy boundaries will want the ability not to reply to messages at times when they're busy.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/03/2019 17:04

I think I have messenger set to always show me offline. I wouldn't even know I had a message until I opened the app. I would find an expectation to immediately reply at any time very odd and claustrophobic.

i will talk to you when i want to so you will juat have to wait

I don't really understand the concern here. Surely if you are not free when he messages you then you don't reply? If it is one sided then it's just that you are on SM more.

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