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Original poster

he turns his messenger off

106 replies

sonicfox · 19/03/2019 16:24

been dating a guy for a few months. going well. all good.
we chat on messenger every night for an hour or two. when we stop chatting he hides his last active status and its kept on like that all day. he doesnt respond to messages until he turns it back on and will chat away....so if i send him a message saying hey hows your day he doesnt read it until he turns it back to online and then he replys.
yet if he sends me a message he will chat away no bother.
to me its all on his terms. it screams to me that he doesnt want me seeing when hes online, he doesnt want me to talk to him...
hes on annual leave this week and doesnt have much on so its not like hes busy...but will wait till 9pm to chat. weird.
i dont like the vibe its giving me. thoughts?

OP posts:
RavenLG · 19/03/2019 17:05

Have you spoken to him about this?

LeesPostersAreInFrames · 19/03/2019 17:06

Is he defo turning it on and off? I've got mine turned off and the little sod still tells people I've been online recently if I've recently messaged them. I'm not having an affair, I just have some people who jump on me the moment I show as online and I don't always want to talk immediately, and they can get huffy about it.

Newadventure · 19/03/2019 17:07

I turn my last seen off (in WhatsApp, I d9nt use messenger). Maybe Its just the way he likes it set?? I don't like how people can track my activity on apps so I have it turned off.
I really think you should ask him. It'll save all this wondering and it's damaging the way you view him when it could be innocent.

wishywashy6 · 19/03/2019 17:07

Why do you talk every night at 9pm? Who decided that?
I don't think I could deal with being expected to be available from 9pm every night to 'chat'

Original poster
sonicfox · 19/03/2019 17:10

i just think checking in during the day is nice and lets the person know your thinking of them. im not saying we have to sit and text all day and night.
if we chat online every night and one of ua is busy id like to think we should be polite and let the other person know.
if i saw him online or last active when ever i dont sit and bombard him with messeges. i just find it odd he turns it off and usually when its turned off he doesnt bother sending me any messages till at night.
if i sent him one he wont reply until he turns it on again even though he knows he has a message. as i said he has no plans so a hows your day would kinda be nice!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/03/2019 17:10

so i think he would be a bit miffed if i had messages sat waiting and actively ignoring them. wouldnt anyone?

No, I don't expect people to reply straight away and I don't reply straight away. I get to it when I want.

Seriously OP, this isn't a big deal. Stop hanging on to this 9 PM thing, you don't have to speak then if you don't want.

Original poster
sonicfox · 19/03/2019 17:11

yes he def turns it on and off

OP posts:
Ahl134 · 19/03/2019 17:11

Many people don't have their phones on 24/7. Many also don't answer straight away. There could be a number of reasons for that - working, in a meeting, driving, childcare, cooking, in a shower, watching a movie, no internet.
I'm one of those people who only look at, e.g messages when I am ready /able to respond to people - I don't like reading messages and not having time to respond straight away (thinking of people who would then see that I've read a message then feeling ignored as I haven't answered them). I therefore only read messages when I am free to respond. Same goes for emails, WhatsApp and the likes.
Sometimes people turn off "active" during set hours, so they don't get disturbed.
Don't go reading too much into someone's online availability, or lack of. There could be any number of very viable reasons.

hereforagoodtime · 19/03/2019 17:11

I turn messenger off all the time.
Wow people saying he is married because he turns messenger off😳

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 17:13

Maybe he doesn’t have time to reply til later?

I don’t always have my phone beside me, and sometimes I’ve no signal - there’s one building I work in I don’t get phone signal at all so if I’m there I’m off line all day.

The pair of you have different expectations - you think it’s nice to check in during the day, he isn’t bothered. You need to decide if this incompatibility in communication styles is a deal breaker.

BluebadgenPIP · 19/03/2019 17:13

Also when I’m driving I’ve my phone set to turn all the notifications off. Some days I drive a lot.

Newadventure · 19/03/2019 17:22

Why not send him a text message??
For me messenger was one of the least personal message apps I used, it was just for random chatting or sending links etc so I can totally see why someone would turn it off then back on again when they were ready and had the time to chat properly.
If you text him and he responds normally you'll know he's not ignoring you he's just not going into his messenger until night time (which is normal really).
If he doesn't respond to your text then you have a good reason to bring all this up with him.

cushioncuddle · 19/03/2019 17:31

Have you asked him why.

Why not suggest having each other's mobile numbers.

He sounds a bit controlling or hiding you or something from you.

LemonTT · 19/03/2019 17:34

Can’t you just call him if you want to speak or go see him. Seems to me you have fallen into an arrangement to chat at 9. I assume he doesn’t bother chatting or using the App at any other time.

Either way speak to him about how you communicate or send a message in whatever form you want. Btw Face to face with words is seen to be the most effective.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/03/2019 17:38

i just find it odd he turns it off and usually when its turned off he doesnt bother sending me any messages till at night.

But he's at work during the day. Honestly I'd find your expectations of what is 'polite' to be too much in a relationship.

You can't expect him to read your mind. If this level of contact really is crucial for you then you need to speak to him. This one sidedness is not him doing something wrong.

BayandBlonde · 19/03/2019 17:40

I actually turn my 'last active, or 'online' off because it has caused so many unnecessary arguments.

Annoyingly people take that status as gospel, what many don't know is, if you don't clear your open pages it continues to show you online when you actually aren't. This applies to WhatsApp and Messenger.

So if you are stalking him looking to see if he is online, it would pointless because it's incorrect most of the time.

You need to chill out

another20 · 19/03/2019 17:50

I would love to know how to do that - someone tell me how!

I would hate to know that someone was watching and waiting - tracking me digitally.

Sounds like he has boundaries - what does he do with other forms of communication?

Musti · 19/03/2019 17:54

I hate messenger. Anyway, why don't you just text him? I've got friends who actively turn their WhatsApp and messenger and Facebook off because they find it too intrusive and have set times they look at it.

Those friends if I need an answer, I text or phone them.

BayandBlonde · 19/03/2019 17:54

@another20

If it's messenger. Go into the app, click on your profile pic and you will see 'active status' you then toggle it on or off

he turns his messenger off
FriarTuck · 19/03/2019 17:55

I would hate to know that someone was watching and waiting - tracking me digitally
This ^^. It's bad enough if someone texts you and knows you've read it and then texts 5 mins later to ask why you've not replied (because I don't have the time or energy for a dull conversation about nothing)

Lefty1 · 19/03/2019 18:02

Turn your active status off and then reply on your own terms / when you’re free rather then watching his movements is my advice. It was all so simpler when things were done via text now we have bloody blue ticks and activity status’s monitoring our every move .

Do you have his mobile op? Just talking via messenger app when you’ve been dating for a couple of months sounds odd

SparklySneakers · 19/03/2019 18:05

Turn yours off until tomorrow and see what happens. I used to turn mine off if I didn't want someone to see I was active. The problem is with these apps that they tell you if someone is active or when last active even if you don't want to know and if they aren't answering your messages or getting in touch it does make you wonder why. My ex wouldn't speak on the phone as that cost money so would only use free messenger type apps. I got fed up of that. Turns out he wasn't capable of holding a phone conversation and was in fact rather dull with nothing to say.
I'd listen to your gut. Something has put you on alert about this so listen.

Huskylover1 · 19/03/2019 18:07

Maybe he's trying to conserve his mobile data!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/03/2019 18:11

Does his facebook status say that he's single?

usernameusername01 · 19/03/2019 18:14

It's stuff like this that makes me glad I'm not dating anymore!

I think it's a massive conclusion to jump to that he's married etc.

He might only be wanting to be online between the hours of 9 and 10 for instance. Or he's someone who doesn't want to be on his phone constantly replying to messages. For instance, I only really reply to messages in the evening when I have a minute to sit down.

Unless he has specifically said 'be available between 9 and 11' and if he has kicked off about you not being available, I'm not sure why you're worried?