he turns his messenger off

[sonicfox]

been dating a guy for a few months. going well. all good.
we chat on messenger every night for an hour or two. when we stop chatting he hides his last active status and its kept on like that all day. he doesnt respond to messages until he turns it back on and will chat away....so if i send him a message saying hey hows your day he doesnt read it until he turns it back to online and then he replys.
yet if he sends me a message he will chat away no bother.
to me its all on his terms. it screams to me that he doesnt want me seeing when hes online, he doesnt want me to talk to him...
hes on annual leave this week and doesnt have much on so its not like hes busy...but will wait till 9pm to chat. weird.
i dont like the vibe its giving me. thoughts?

Is messenger your only means of communication? Is he working until 9pm maybe? Have you been to his house?

How do you know he knows he has a message?

I frequently mute DP. It's nothing personal- I just don't like my phone vibrating in my bag (I don't even have it in a pocket because of data protection).....

Don't jump through any hoops for him. Reply when you want to. It might be that he already has a partner or something, but to be honest whilst that explains not replying at certain times of day (if there's a pattern) it doesn't explain the bit you're actually worried about which is changing his settings on the app. That bit doesn't seem like a worry to be honest. Just ask him why he does it?

I use messenger but have never even noticed someone's last active status. Are you sure it can't be affected by things like turning a phone off, muting you, or having aeroplane mode on? Those seem more likely and less fiddly.

I don’t blame him for switching it off if you use it as a way to track him!

People will answer messages when they can. Sometimes I will see there is a message but won’t reply until later when I get a chance, sometimes (shock horror!) I even open a message and don’t reply straight away!

I think the tracking ability on message platforms has a lot to answer for when it comes to people becoming paranoid and obsessive about messages

I hide my online status on messenger permanently. I don't want people to think I can always respond instantly. I do respond to people, but I will do it in my own time, and I hate the expectation that everyone is glued to their phone 24/7.

In particular, I hide my online status because I have a male acquaintance who will badger me if he sees I'm online. I doubt my experience is unusual, or that it's an unusual thing to do.

It doesn't have to be sinister.

In fact, the fact that you keep an eye on it indicates that he's right to do so.

I wouldn't look at which of my friends are labelled as 'online', as I don't expect instant responses from them.

1/ you're acting barmy

2/ no that's everything

So is he expected to be at your beck and call 24/7 and answer your messages as soon as you send them? Have you thought he could actually be busy? You sound very needy OP

Thanks BayandBlonde!

I am totally comfortable not replying instantly to texts even if the other person knows I have read it. I have the right to take as long as I need to consider my response. I don’t know anyone who gets huffy with this approach. I would think there were totally unreasonable if they did - and they would not be my friend.

I have managed WhatsApp to take off the last seen and read info - but it still shows when you are online - is it possible to mute this as well?

OP doesn’t sound like you are compatible. Communication is the core of any relationship - you have different values/principles/needs in this so would just end it.

What sort of relationship is texting/messaging - just call or meet up ffs!

Stupidly, I married someone who was like this. I later found out he would sit in the toilet messaging me whilst his girlfriend was in another room or asleep! He would frequently sign in and out of messenger to message other women, keeping his options open whilst with me....again in the toilet.

Have you even met him?

My DP does this.. he has a shit mobile data plan. He turns it on to check it when he’s either on WiFi or is actively looking at his phone, so apps/games/emails don’t eat through data allowances all day. Bloody hell just because he’s not constantly glued to a phone doesn’t mean he’s got a wife/6 other girlfriends.
Beware though I’ve turned into his Facebook receptionist a few friends have noticed it’s easier to message me than him if you need a decently quick answer lol.

What's he like when you meet up in person?

hes on annual leave and doesnt have plans yet hasnt sent a message. if hes at work he will usually message me once or twice.
i dont sit and stalk him or message him loads but him signing in and out has got my attention. if he had his statua hidden but still sent the odd message i wouldnt fuss but the fact he doesnt reply or send anything when he hides it.
it just feels like hes avoiding me and hes picking and choosing when to be available to me
..as i said i dont expect a full blown conversation but the odd little message.

if he texts me i will reply and if im not free i will reply when i am available..usually within the hour
however i dont go hiding myself from him or hide when ive been online. i wouldnt bother if he was online at same time and we didnt chat....no biggy but it feels like hes avoiding me for what ever reason until the evening.

And does his facebook status say that he's single?

This is why I hate mobiles. If it's a message, they will reply when it is convenient. If it's important, then call. I often reply on a night, once kids are in bed and we have eaten. I can't be bothered during the day when I a focusing on other things than chit chat.
We aren't all glued to our phones.

I turn all settings like this off because I can't bear it when people expect instant responses.

There is more to life than messaging!

And I am married (and faithful).

How old are you OP?

If I thought you were checking my every movement online - I'd be turning everything off too. Some people just don't like people knowing their status at all times - it doesn't have to be anything dodgy. I hate it when people expect me to answer a message straight away, hence I've turned all my online status checkers off.

Another one who iturns everything off. I don’t know I’ve got a Facebook message unless I go on there. The only one I have as notifications are text messages. If someone needs me urgently they’ll call. I’m not suspicious, I just hate the intrusion of people knowing when you’re online and expecting a reply. Take me back to Nokia 3310 days!!

But why don't you text or whatsapp? Why messenger?

Op, this much angst this early on isn't worth the hassle. Things should be fun and exciting but his actions are making you anxious and unhappy. It speaks volumes about how he feels in my experience. He expects you to be available when it's convenient for him but keeps you waiting for his attention. Get rid. You deserve someone who can communicate like an adult and doesn't have you tied up questioning and second guessing.

Just dump him already

It really shouldn’t be this hard....

@another20

With WhatsApp you can't change the online status. I've searched for ways but it can't be done.

To overcome that, I have my WhatsApp notifications pop up on my phone home screen. That way I can read most of what the message says without actually opening it and then appearing online.

There are other ways of reading messages without altering the sender but it involves switching phone into plane mode and there's just too long winded

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who analysed my social media usage like you're doing. You sound like hard work.

It really shouldn’t be this hard....

The problem is, it’s not him making this hard

Just dump him already. It really shouldn’t be this hard....

If only there were some other option. If only humans had some way of sharing their feelings. We need to invent a way of communicating ideas through sounds so that OP could let him know what she's worrying about.

Until then, every relationship where the partners are not perfectly in sync is doomed to failure.

You deserve someone who can communicate like an adult and doesn't have you tied up questioning and second guessing.

Oh the irony.