DH frequently escaping to hotels

[diamondnavy]

DH keeps saying he can’t cope and starting rows so he can go to hotels where he spends all evening looking at porn and getting drunk. Each time he does this he leaves me in the lurch with having to look after our two children, and this has often happened when he has previously agreed to give me some time to myself, but it doesn’t happen because he disappears off. He says he needs time to himself and seems to think his needs trump any needs I might have to be by myself!

Each time he comes back and says he’s sorry and that he’s in a bad place, but I’m frustrated that I have to hold it together for the kids and never get a break. He feels like my third child. I also found out he’s been abusing the medication he takes and has been lying about it for the past three months. He didn’t come clean, I called the doctor and found out as he was acting strangely and obviously high.

He’s now saying he has no feelings and emotions and thinks he has high functioning autism. This is after previously seeking a diagnosis of adhd and getting that. Our lives have been in turmoil for 2 years starting from when he walked out on me when I was pregnant with our second because he said he had a breakdown and couldn’t cope anymore and he self diagnosed the adhd.

I’m fed up of being the responsible one all the time, of never being able to say I need to clear off to a hotel and always having to hold it together. And the fact he’s just looking at porn at the hotel hurts as he’s not interested in sex with me at all. We probably have sex twice a year. He says this is all because of adhd and that I need to accept the porn as it’s not about him being aroused, he says he finds it calming. Most evenings he’s home he is drinking and asleep on the sofa by 8pm. I’ve always said I don’t like porn and he has told me he was fine with that. That also turned out to be a lie and in the past be has been using webcams etc. He tells me he needs the porn and I need to accept him and this.

Every day is another deep chat about his thoughts and lack of feelings and I am starting to struggle to cope with the intensity of it all and I feel like my mental health is now starting to suffer.

Is it acceptable for him to keep having these hotel porn holidays?

He says if I leave him I’m terrible because it’s not his fault he has adhd but I’m starting to struggle to cope, especially as now he is saying he’s autistic and I am not sure I can cope with much more of this soul searching and his need for a diagnosis.

I think you know the answer when you say that you feel like he's your third child. He's choosing not to be with you. He's choosing porn over you. He's choosing to spend your money on himself and not your family. You need to make some choices too.

What do you get it of being in a relationship with this man?

I’d divorce him and not look back.

I don't think ADHD makes you book yourself into hotels for frequent wankathons.

I think that's just down to being an abusive arse hole.

What would you tell your best friend/sister/someone you care about if their OH was doing this?

It is not his failt he has adhd. But it is his fault he is a grade A dickhead.

Get rid. Now.

Lady next time he goes tell him to close the door on the way out and not to return. He is playing you and playing the victim. If you don’t stand up fpr yourself he is going to take it further then just porn drink in a hotel room .. in the end you are going to be blamed because he takes no responsibility for his actions.

If he is abusing his meds he should get into rehab or get help in some other way.. but not at the expense or your mental health ...

Put you and your kids first .. 🌷

I would seek legal advice asap with a view to divorcing this man.

Why are you with him at all still, what are you getting out of this relationship?. Your children are also seeing you as their mother being beaten down emotionally by this individual at first hand; what do you think this is doing to them?.

He might as well stay gone.

Hes no help is he? Hes just a drain.

Get rid.

I guess it keep hoping he will go back to the man he used to be. He’s only been like this for the past 2 years but then, I guess he had been lying before that so maybe I never knew him at all.

When he’s not like this he is charming and soppy and fun with the kids. Spontaneous and exciting. But the last two years he has changed - since it’s all been about whether he has adhd and what his needs are and feeling accepted etc. I almost feel like when he started therapy he became very self absorbed and seemed to only want what was “best” for him.

He also apologises after each incident and begs me not to go as he says he’s struggling with his mental health and I guess I want to help him but don’t seem able to. And I can’t tell what is him and what is the adhd. But now with all this talk of autism (I mean I know very little about it but he doesn’t seem at all autistic to me!) I can’t cope with this happening all over again as he decides he has something else.

He also makes me feel like I’m a prude if I object to porn and that it’s normal and that him looking at porn is not the same as sex and nothing to do with him not wanting sex with me.

I have adhd amongst other diagnoses and am a supportive wife and full time mother.
He is using his 'diagnosis' as an excuse to be emotionally abusive and selfish beyond belief.

Leaving him would not be terrible. Him trying to make you believe otherwise is terrible.

I don't think the kids are aware luckily. They have wondered why he's not around as much but they are young so they don't ask too many questions.

Most of the soul searching is a daily bombardment over WhatsApp. He's also not going to work a lot and sitting in coffee shops thinking about himself and messaging me from there.

His adhd is not an excuse for being a complete dick. What do you get from this? You deserve so much better than him.

Reading your last post, he’s a selfish twat. This has nothing to do with adhd or autism. LTB.

Is he definitely at the hotel alone? Could he be starting rows to excuse going off to the hotel with someone, preplanned?

Sorry-he sounds awful

He's disappeared up his own arse and using diagnosis to play the victim. If he is adhd and asd then he was when he meet you. The only thing that has changed is his conscious behaviour. He is choosing to act like a self indulgent child and blaming a condition he has always had.

You cannot help him. He doesn't want to help himself. He's delighted about his diagnosis because it's his new fabulous excuse to act like a twat and dump all responsibility on you.

Dump!

This man is going to ruin you emotionally, and financially.

Get him out before it starts impacting on your children.

He is taking you for a mug here.

Do not kid yourself thinking that the kids are unaware here; they know something is wrong here because they see you as their mother upset and unhappy. Children are perceptive and they pick up on all the vibes here.

This is who he is and he is not for changing. The man you thought he was is an act that he put on to reel you in. Its an act he could never sustain because he is abusive.

The kids will know.

are you sure it's "only" porn? A dear friend of mine lost her husband to visits like this; the true nature of them came to light when the hotel had him arrested for doing crack on their premises.

I have adhd and much as I occasionally dream of escaping, it's not on.

There's a difference between an excuse and an explanation. The latter means he should be looking for more effective coping strategies. The former means he's ducking out and can't be asked, he
might mutter about executive function but...

I might just about get the porn thing, as it's dopamine-producing but nah, it's not really on.

He sounds like he's enjoying having his cake and eating it.

It doesn't sound as if he has ANY respect for you at all. Next time he does his disappearing act; change the locks. Text him and tell him not to bother coming back.

Sorry OP, but you're flogging a dead horse if you're expecting him to change any time soon. You and the DC are much better off without him.

My sister has ADHD (diagnosed recently and now medicated). There are some things she struggles with and sometimes life does get on top of her. however she holds down a stressful full time job, looks after her 2 kids (one of whom also has ADHD) and her husband seems pretty happy! She has never just quit and gone to a hotel for the night!

We all give my sis the support she needs and adjust our expectations slightly for her ADHD (no way me expecting her to know where her car keys are at all time - it just isn't in her!) However your chap sounds like this is all one big excuse for him to be a twat - not on!

He says this is all because of adhd and that I need to accept the porn as it’s not about him being aroused, he says he finds it calming

I can't say I know a lot about ADHD & please correct me if I'm wrong but this sounds like a big fat lie.

He tells me he needs the porn and I need to accept him and this
No you don't, nobody needs to accept anything that makes them uncomfortable & miserable. If it is were me I would give him the choice - give up his porn hotel habit, start contributing to your family life & relationship or you end it with him. You owe it to yourself & your kids.

You are not (I assume) a trained therapist. You are not making him better, because he doesn't want to get better. It is one thing to be supportive but there comes a point when all this takes it's toll on you and your health and your children, and you have reached that point.