DH keeps saying he can’t cope and starting rows so he can go to hotels where he spends all evening looking at porn and getting drunk. Each time he does this he leaves me in the lurch with having to look after our two children, and this has often happened when he has previously agreed to give me some time to myself, but it doesn’t happen because he disappears off. He says he needs time to himself and seems to think his needs trump any needs I might have to be by myself!
Each time he comes back and says he’s sorry and that he’s in a bad place, but I’m frustrated that I have to hold it together for the kids and never get a break. He feels like my third child. I also found out he’s been abusing the medication he takes and has been lying about it for the past three months. He didn’t come clean, I called the doctor and found out as he was acting strangely and obviously high.
He’s now saying he has no feelings and emotions and thinks he has high functioning autism. This is after previously seeking a diagnosis of adhd and getting that. Our lives have been in turmoil for 2 years starting from when he walked out on me when I was pregnant with our second because he said he had a breakdown and couldn’t cope anymore and he self diagnosed the adhd.
I’m fed up of being the responsible one all the time, of never being able to say I need to clear off to a hotel and always having to hold it together. And the fact he’s just looking at porn at the hotel hurts as he’s not interested in sex with me at all. We probably have sex twice a year. He says this is all because of adhd and that I need to accept the porn as it’s not about him being aroused, he says he finds it calming. Most evenings he’s home he is drinking and asleep on the sofa by 8pm. I’ve always said I don’t like porn and he has told me he was fine with that. That also turned out to be a lie and in the past be has been using webcams etc. He tells me he needs the porn and I need to accept him and this.
Every day is another deep chat about his thoughts and lack of feelings and I am starting to struggle to cope with the intensity of it all and I feel like my mental health is now starting to suffer.
Is it acceptable for him to keep having these hotel porn holidays?
He says if I leave him I’m terrible because it’s not his fault he has adhd but I’m starting to struggle to cope, especially as now he is saying he’s autistic and I am not sure I can cope with much more of this soul searching and his need for a diagnosis.