DH frequently escaping to hotels

[diamondnavy]

DH keeps saying he can’t cope and starting rows so he can go to hotels where he spends all evening looking at porn and getting drunk. Each time he does this he leaves me in the lurch with having to look after our two children, and this has often happened when he has previously agreed to give me some time to myself, but it doesn’t happen because he disappears off. He says he needs time to himself and seems to think his needs trump any needs I might have to be by myself!

Each time he comes back and says he’s sorry and that he’s in a bad place, but I’m frustrated that I have to hold it together for the kids and never get a break. He feels like my third child. I also found out he’s been abusing the medication he takes and has been lying about it for the past three months. He didn’t come clean, I called the doctor and found out as he was acting strangely and obviously high.

He’s now saying he has no feelings and emotions and thinks he has high functioning autism. This is after previously seeking a diagnosis of adhd and getting that. Our lives have been in turmoil for 2 years starting from when he walked out on me when I was pregnant with our second because he said he had a breakdown and couldn’t cope anymore and he self diagnosed the adhd.

I’m fed up of being the responsible one all the time, of never being able to say I need to clear off to a hotel and always having to hold it together. And the fact he’s just looking at porn at the hotel hurts as he’s not interested in sex with me at all. We probably have sex twice a year. He says this is all because of adhd and that I need to accept the porn as it’s not about him being aroused, he says he finds it calming. Most evenings he’s home he is drinking and asleep on the sofa by 8pm. I’ve always said I don’t like porn and he has told me he was fine with that. That also turned out to be a lie and in the past be has been using webcams etc. He tells me he needs the porn and I need to accept him and this.

Every day is another deep chat about his thoughts and lack of feelings and I am starting to struggle to cope with the intensity of it all and I feel like my mental health is now starting to suffer.

Is it acceptable for him to keep having these hotel porn holidays?

He says if I leave him I’m terrible because it’s not his fault he has adhd but I’m starting to struggle to cope, especially as now he is saying he’s autistic and I am not sure I can cope with much more of this soul searching and his need for a diagnosis.

Are you sure he's on his own in these hotels? Could be a convenient chance for an actual affair as well as being a shitty, manipulative dickhead 🤷‍♀️

Hope he's not seeing girls or sex workers in these I need time to myself hotel stints.

I feel so sad for you. It is demeaning that he tells you that he finds watching other people having sex relaxing. That's just ugly. He's sapping you out of your mental and physical energy. Imagine sitting in coffee shops not going to work and constantly bombarding you about himself. It's very selfish and you aren't his therapist nor his mother. Can you financially support yourself?

He's a selfish twat
Why have you been putting up with it?

You need to separate from him for a while, for your own good and the good of the children. It doesn't have to be permanent - if he gets his act together you can reconsider at that point. But he is being monumentally, cruelly self-obsessed right now, and whether the reason is because his ADHD is making him (it's not) or whatever new thing he decides to diagnose himself with tomorrow, you shouldn't have to sit there quietly and put up with whatever he throws at you.

It might seem hard when he seems to be struggling or unwell. Look at it this way though: imagine he had some very definitely diagnosably debilitating infectious disease, like norovirus or ebola or some bad new strain of flu. You would feel sorry for him and you would want him to get better, but you would still follow quarantine procedures. You would not sit there and let him cough in your face because he told you that you should put up with it.

@kennehora It’s quite a long story, but when the psychiatrist had started him on stimulant meds he abused them immediately and I called them worried as he was hallucinating and behaving very weirdly. It turned out he was hypermanic. They switched his medication and he did it again. The psychiatrist said he could have one last chance with it as long as I agreed to help monitor the medication.

I did this for a few months and he told the psychiatrist he hadn’t been abusing it again, so it got handed over the GP to dish out the prescriptions. He kept struggling to keep to the amounts he was allowed though and in the end he decided (well we both discussed it and decided together) the medication wasn’t helping in the way he expected and that he was going to stop. I agreed not to tell the psychiatrist he had been abusing it again as he said he had stopped and he didn’t want it on his record etc

However I noticed he was behaving weirdly for a few months and I kept asking if he was taking the medication and what happened to the last prescription he collected but didn’t take to the pharmacy and he said he lost it “you know I lose stuff I have adhd”. But he seemed like he had been when he was abusing it before and I said I wanted to speak to the psychiatrist and because of this, he confessed and told me he had been emptying the capsules when I was helping monitor how much he was taking so that I didn’t realise he had been taking too many even back then, and basically every time I questioned him, he would tell me a bit more and tell me that was the whole truth, until I found out a bit more evidence and then it turned out he had still been lying.

Most recently he was acting odd and I called the doctors and pretended he needed me to collect the next prescription and asked if it was ready yet to see if he had ordered some when he wasn’t supposed to have. They said he picked up the last one a couple of weeks ago so that’s how I found out he had been lying again. They didn’t reveal any confidential information. He had been taking it the whole time he said he had quit so for another 3-4 months. And each time he said he was taking a months supply in about a week. He confessed this after I told him the GP had revealed he had been collecting his prescriptions.

@NewspP I’m a SAHM but want to work. He prefers I don’t. I do have a lot of savings though and I would be okay.

@Shoxfordian because he’s saying he’s sick and that I need to help him not “abandon” him.

@53rdWay you’re right. I hadn’t thought about it compared with other illnesses before. He needs to sort himself out.

because he’s saying he’s sick and that I need to help him not “abandon” him

Sorry but if you're using that as an excuse then you're basically enabling him. It's all about him. What he says. What he does.

What about YOU? Yes, leaving is a scary prospect but I think your kids need you to do it, so they don't grow up thinking it's acceptable to put up with this amount of bullshit.

I'm not medicated so I don't know for sure but the point of medication is to bring your neurotransmitters up to normal ish levels. Not send you up like you're on speed.

I reckon there must be more going on.

There's a FB group run by a guy who really knows the meds and can give advice. Plus it's very "normal" for adhders to abuse other drugs, as a self-medication and some of the guys on there will tell you if this is "normal". They'll probably also tell you about the sex issues, as none of us have much of a filter! :-)

Adult ADHD UK (AADD-UK)

If you can cope financially then honestly just walk away. Just do it.

And I mean this gently but you have posted this before haven't you? The advice is still the same. Please don't waste your life and the early precious years of your children on this selfish man who's taking all this headspace.

I need to accept him and this

Utter rot. You absolutely DO NOT have to accept any of this despicable behaviour if you don't want to. If you are sick of it and have had enough, then you are entitled to tell him so, and to tell him to sling his hook. You aren't responsible for his mental health or for keeping an eye on his medication, and you don't have to put up with it.

And I agree with others, the children will know that something is badly wrong.

Oh my God! He sounds awful!

Read him the riot act and tell him to get himself together or your marriage is over. Tell him you'll review in one month and if no changes, then tell him to leave the house.

If he wants to be a part of the family, then he needs to start behaving like one!

This means no more porn, no more hotels, and working the hours that he used to work. Also, no more abusing his meds- take charge of them if neccessary in the short term. I'd also consider informing his GP so they only prescribe on a weekly basis.

He needs to find more healthy ways of managing his condition. You can help support him, but he needs to primarily help himself. Do not let nim manipulate you with the 'I'm sick and need help, not abandoning' nonsense!
Decide upon your boundaries and stick to them! If neccessary, give him a list of what he needs to do, and not do.

Oh I couldn't live like this! He's off spending money on himself and wanking while you do all the work! He's taking time off work and spending that time sending you messages saying you should treat him better, while you're looking after the kids and he's in a cafe.

No. No. If you can afford to leave I would get out now. (Lovely to hear of someone having the money to make that decision.)

Hypomanic? Could he be bipolar I wonder?

Anyway, he's taking the piss, no matter what his diagnosis is or isn't.

He goes to hotels to wank? Are you sure he's not using drugs/prostitutes?

Don't be a mug op
His behaviour is unacceptable

He's going to wear you down and it will affect your mental health and wellbeing.

He does sound like a liability.

He's just basically a massive liar. The things he says about his diagnosis are basically an insult to people who live with those issues. He's a liar and completely useless. I bet he can hardly believe how much he has duped you. Next time he goes off for a lovely big hotel-wank, change the locks. Oh, an I bet you £20 he's using other drugs as well. You really really deserve way better than this OP. You have enabled him by lying for him. I suggest you read about co-dependency.

It doesn’t matter what illness he has. He is not acting like a family man and his behaviour is too stressful for you to put up with.

Hi OP who gave him the diagnosis of this. He sounds more like he got a personality disorder to me.
He’s very selfish - I’d get rid and wonder what there is to love about him.

@Mary1935 he went to an adult adhd clinic in London and their sole job was to diagnose him. He had to take some school reports and a questionnaire his mum filled in but I think he's always partly doubted the diagnosis because it was so easy to get and he basically told them he thought he had adhd and they just rubber stamped it. What sort of personality disorder?

@kbPOW I don't think I'm codependent but maybe you're right. I did report him to the psychiatrist even though I knew he would be angry. The only reason I didn't tell the GP later was because he agreed not to get any more medication so I didn't think it mattered. Obviously I was stupid for believing this. And when I found out I said he had to tell the psychiatrist or I would and he has emailed him to tell him he had still be taking too much.

After this recent hotel trip I've told him not to come back. I've done this before though and he doesn't listen. I've also blocked him on WhatsApp and told him to just email me if he needs anything urgent and to arrange time with the kids. I feel stronger this time. I think maybe I really have had enough now. Thank you everyone for your support

Oh god op just leave him !! Your life will be so much easier alone. He’s not going to improve ! You can’t help him !

Maybe emotionally unstable or borderline.
Is he on any meds for this diagnosis and how much of your money is he spending each week and is he actually on a bender with his mates.
Does he hold down a job?
Poor you and your kids.
Stop talking to him about this your wasting your breath.
Is the psychiatrist on the nhs or private?

He is taking you for an absolute mug. He is so full of shit it’s unbelievable.