DH frequently escaping to hotels

[diamondnavy]

DH keeps saying he can’t cope and starting rows so he can go to hotels where he spends all evening looking at porn and getting drunk. Each time he does this he leaves me in the lurch with having to look after our two children, and this has often happened when he has previously agreed to give me some time to myself, but it doesn’t happen because he disappears off. He says he needs time to himself and seems to think his needs trump any needs I might have to be by myself!

Each time he comes back and says he’s sorry and that he’s in a bad place, but I’m frustrated that I have to hold it together for the kids and never get a break. He feels like my third child. I also found out he’s been abusing the medication he takes and has been lying about it for the past three months. He didn’t come clean, I called the doctor and found out as he was acting strangely and obviously high.

He’s now saying he has no feelings and emotions and thinks he has high functioning autism. This is after previously seeking a diagnosis of adhd and getting that. Our lives have been in turmoil for 2 years starting from when he walked out on me when I was pregnant with our second because he said he had a breakdown and couldn’t cope anymore and he self diagnosed the adhd.

I’m fed up of being the responsible one all the time, of never being able to say I need to clear off to a hotel and always having to hold it together. And the fact he’s just looking at porn at the hotel hurts as he’s not interested in sex with me at all. We probably have sex twice a year. He says this is all because of adhd and that I need to accept the porn as it’s not about him being aroused, he says he finds it calming. Most evenings he’s home he is drinking and asleep on the sofa by 8pm. I’ve always said I don’t like porn and he has told me he was fine with that. That also turned out to be a lie and in the past be has been using webcams etc. He tells me he needs the porn and I need to accept him and this.

Every day is another deep chat about his thoughts and lack of feelings and I am starting to struggle to cope with the intensity of it all and I feel like my mental health is now starting to suffer.

Is it acceptable for him to keep having these hotel porn holidays?

He says if I leave him I’m terrible because it’s not his fault he has adhd but I’m starting to struggle to cope, especially as now he is saying he’s autistic and I am not sure I can cope with much more of this soul searching and his need for a diagnosis.

@MsDogLady I understand what you're saying, but I really don't believe he is enjoying this. I think he is quite lost and confused with his MH. That doesn't mean I am okay with his behaviour. But I don't think it's a master plan to get me to do what he wants.

He stayed in a hotel last night as requested but he's going to want to come home soon. Is it fair to expect him to immediately move out and find somewhere to go? He has said he wants to stay in the spare room but I would struggle with that. If it's over I need it to be over and for us to be separate. But I realise it will take him for him to find somewhere to go. Although when he chose to leave before, he did just go, so managed it enough then ...

Take time for him to find somewhere to go?

Well he seems to find LOTS of places to go normally

If he is intent on destroying his own life, let him. Protect yourself and your children.

Get legal advice ASAP to make sure you and the DC are financially protected in the divorce settlement.

Well he seems to have no problems finding the money to stay in hotels whenever he wants so he can certainly afford a B+B for a while.

Staying in the spare room with his issues is a No No.

Be strong OP, he needs to stay away or you'll be stuck in this cycle again. You can do this, your life will be easier without him to deal with, sounds like you do everything as it is.
He can't come back, he can sort himself somewhere to stay, leave his things outside when he can collect or see if one of his friends can collect

I understand what you're saying, but I really don't believe he is enjoying this.

What, he's not enjoying staying in a hotel, getting drunk and watching porn?

Wake up, @diamondnavy

He's playing you like a fiddle.

How long he continues doing so is entirely up to you.

Maybe you're right @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I don't know what to believe any more. My best friend died three weeks ago and I would normally talk to her but right now I feel very alone and scared to make this permanent. The reason I've been strung along for 2 years is that he keeps saying he will get better. It will be better after he sees the psychiatrist, then after he gets the medication, then after a holiday, or after he sells his business which isn't making him happy etc etc I just want it to go back to how it was before. I guess this morning I'm having a bad morning

@diamondnavy I'm so sorry about your friend.

But he is totally taking advantage of you and your good nature, and its making me cross on your behalf.

It's chilling how much like my ex h he sounds.
Adhd diagnosis, making you feel you have to suffer as he's ill, the porn and drinking, not keeping a job, engineering rows and storming off...

I stayed for 8 years and 2 children.

Then he left and I asked him not to come back.

It took a while to get a job but I did.
I built a life for the children and for me.

He's made it hellish for us all the way along though.

Stick to it, keep firm boundaries, do not take responsibility for him finding a place to live.

Just think how much energy you have been putting into helping him, managing his drug use etc.
Imagine using that energy for yourself and your children.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I actually doubt he is. Well, for the first couple of hours probably the same hollow 'fix' that a gambling addict would get before they lose it all.

But that's irrelevant, it's far beyond the OPs job to cater to this.

OP, I think it's difficult when men reach a 'third' child level of dependency because it makes you feel like you're abondoning them rather than just leaving them. My girlfriend's ex had many of the same issues (including them being triggered to their fullest when the second child was born.)

He would disappear, drink, gamble etc. He wanted the family there at home then, when it suited him, when he was 'up for it.' It wasn't his fault, naturally, in his case it was the cocktail of ADHD & OCD.

She did leave him, and the guilt was terrible. It forced him to stop blaming his maladies and take some responsibility for himself. It took a couple of years, and he has relapses on occasion, but he has the kids reliably every other weekend and for the first time in their life they have a regular contact with him they can actually rely on. They have more actual quality time with him than when he lived at home with them.

He (and your husband, if his diagnosis' are accurate) have obviously been dealt an unlucky hand with their mental health, but they are things to fight, not to give in to. He'll never have to fight it as long as he knows that you'll somehow hold it all together whatever he does.

Oh, and the porn thing is totally relevant to your marriage's sex problems - that's just a big piece of bullshit from him, sorry. He has an addiction, that he could choose to try and fight if he wanted to help the marriage.

The first sentence was already too much for me. LTB this sounds a torturous way to live

Christ on a bike he sounds like hard work. You and your children deserve so much more than this man child.

And I'd bet he is enjoying the drama of staying away, coming back. Watching porn - fuck that for a game of soldiers. He's normalised this for you but trust me his actions are not normal.

Having ADHD or Autism does not excuse his arrogant, selfish, childish behaviour.

Stop enabling him. He will not change until you call him on it.

many mental illnesses manifest themselves in mid to late 20's
how old is he?

My aunt's DH's behaviour changed overnight when he was 27 or 28, he ended up leaving her to work away at the other end of the country
when he came back (after 3 years, this was late 70's so no real communication was happening between them just occasional letters) he kept behaving oddly for many years after until he was sanctioned because his illness progressed badly and he was on meds for the rest of his life, he was diagnosed schizophrenic and the psychiatrist said had he been treated sooner the progression of his illness would have been stopped (he was sanctioned after he started chasing them with a knife around their flat and threatened to jump out of the window)

I think you shouldn't cover up for him to his GP but insist on a thorough psychiatric check up. I am sure you can write to his GP and tell honestly what is he like).

He’s an addict; porn, booze, medication, a combination of the above. Checking into hotels for binges is common addict behaviour.
It sounds as if his behaviour is spiralling but you can’t help him OP. You can help your children though and you can help yourself. Good luck

This guy's an arsehole, he's taking you for a complete mug and your letting him, for god sake think about your kid's, stop making exuses for him, he's a selfish pig, get rid.

You're not alone op you have your children and they are not old enough to help themselves, your husband IS.

I don't think for a second he has ADHD. What he is in fact is a narcissistic drug and porn addict.

You've given him two years worth of benefit of the doubt and all he's done is abuse it.

I really don't know why you continue to tolerate this revolting individual. As far as the coffee shop ramblings go, I wouldn't even entertain that nonsense and would just hang up the phone.

As long as you stay in this marriage you are being deprived of a normal life so that he can indulge his ridiculous whims

Is this really what you want for you and your children, because there's only one way this goes.

Aside from the obvious that he’s a piss-taking vile twat, something else bothers me;

He does work, he just sometimes decides he would rather go to a coffee shop

his business partner is starting to get frustrated with him

And you’re a SAHM because “he prefers it that way”?

Do you know what shape your finances are in?

Everything you are telling me here smells of an iceberg’s worth of debt. Seriously.

If he has his hand so firmly on the “fuck it” button (which it seems he does) you may find he’s sitting on big fat hidden debts.

Now, this is not fact but on balance I’d say it’s likely. You need to be very very careful and seek financial advice for you, now as if his financial ship really fucking goes down your whole family will go with it.

I agree with the above. Exactly what ran through my mind. Drugs, hotels and sporadic working equals big scary debt. Get your money and hide it a long long way from this guy and any debt agencies that may come to collect what they see as rightfully theirs.

AAD/MH issues don’t mean he has to be a cunt.

Free yourself, OP. He’s taking the piss.

Hope he's not seeing girls or sex workers in these I need time to myself hotel stints.

I say very highly probability this is the case. He has the desire, he has the money, he has place and he has the time.

Does this guy seem familiar?

So he's not working, just drinking coffee and chatting shit on WhatsApp, then going off to hotels.

Who funds him for all this, by the way?

God..what an absolute drain. You'll be a shell of yourself if he's what you have to look forward to as your lifepartner throughout the coming years.

Shit partner, shit dad. Pisses off to his porn fantasies and neglects his family at home. Yuk.

As for 'He says this he says that's - He's not your God, you know.

He's taking up space in your brain and for what, really? Useless man.

OP, my brother did exactly what your DH is doing. He’s an addict and the lies an addict can tell you combined with the sob stories, will flabbergast you.

OP, you do realise that he’s performing the greatest show on earth. The tales he will tell! And the lows and the sadness and the ‘poor-little-me-I’m-mentally-unwell-don’t-leave-me’ BS is him coming down off his bender, crashing hard after the high.

Is it fair to make him leave? Is this really a question in your mind? Do you have welcome stamped on your forehead? Jesus he is fooling you even now-your husband is a lying,porn addicted derelict and you are so far down the river of denial I don't know if you'll ever come to reality-two fucking years he has behaved this way yet you have to ask if it's fair??????????

I very much doubt he's just using porn on these hotel jollys either my money is on prostitutes.

He's painted himself with 'victim status' so he can essentially do whatever the fuck he wants (whilst recieving your pity!!) and you've fallen for it hook line and sinker.

I really can't believe that you don't see this for what it is.

You shouldn't have to tear yourself to pieces to keep other people whole, and moreover anyone who truly loved you would never let you in the first place.

??

As far as I know neither ADHD or autism make you a hotel-and-porn addict who abuses meds! Nor do they make you manipulative and self obsessed. I think you have to boot him out but do protect yourself financially.