DH frequently escaping to hotels

[diamondnavy]

DH keeps saying he can’t cope and starting rows so he can go to hotels where he spends all evening looking at porn and getting drunk. Each time he does this he leaves me in the lurch with having to look after our two children, and this has often happened when he has previously agreed to give me some time to myself, but it doesn’t happen because he disappears off. He says he needs time to himself and seems to think his needs trump any needs I might have to be by myself!

Each time he comes back and says he’s sorry and that he’s in a bad place, but I’m frustrated that I have to hold it together for the kids and never get a break. He feels like my third child. I also found out he’s been abusing the medication he takes and has been lying about it for the past three months. He didn’t come clean, I called the doctor and found out as he was acting strangely and obviously high.

He’s now saying he has no feelings and emotions and thinks he has high functioning autism. This is after previously seeking a diagnosis of adhd and getting that. Our lives have been in turmoil for 2 years starting from when he walked out on me when I was pregnant with our second because he said he had a breakdown and couldn’t cope anymore and he self diagnosed the adhd.

I’m fed up of being the responsible one all the time, of never being able to say I need to clear off to a hotel and always having to hold it together. And the fact he’s just looking at porn at the hotel hurts as he’s not interested in sex with me at all. We probably have sex twice a year. He says this is all because of adhd and that I need to accept the porn as it’s not about him being aroused, he says he finds it calming. Most evenings he’s home he is drinking and asleep on the sofa by 8pm. I’ve always said I don’t like porn and he has told me he was fine with that. That also turned out to be a lie and in the past be has been using webcams etc. He tells me he needs the porn and I need to accept him and this.

Every day is another deep chat about his thoughts and lack of feelings and I am starting to struggle to cope with the intensity of it all and I feel like my mental health is now starting to suffer.

Is it acceptable for him to keep having these hotel porn holidays?

He says if I leave him I’m terrible because it’s not his fault he has adhd but I’m starting to struggle to cope, especially as now he is saying he’s autistic and I am not sure I can cope with much more of this soul searching and his need for a diagnosis.

It's a bit out of order to say that about the diagnosis process, regardless of whether it's private or nhs. It does the rest of us no good, particularly when there is very patchy understanding of the condition.

However, it is very fair to say he's likely to have other issues as adhd doesn't travel alone.

It's even fairer to say you don't need to put up with this crap.

He could have some serious mental health probs but you have two DCs to bring up without help, I would leave him, sad that you aren't there to help with his health issues but you have 3 people other than him to consider so, sorry, but he has to sort himself out imv.

Really OP get your finances sorted and get yourself in a position where you'll be strong enough to tell him to leave. He currently has you absolutely sussed out and knows just how far to push you to get you back on side. He is taking no responsibility as an adult, husband or father.

You say you have good savings but how long will they last if he's wasting money by these frequent hotel stays and not actually going to work?

Are you living in your savings now? If so ensure he has no access to them (eg move them into an entirely new account he has no access or change user ID/passwords to your current accounts.

Then if you can (a) see a solicitor to see what your options are when you separate and (b) see what your work possibilities and (c) childcare options are.

I think you've given this a good go (two years at least?) so time for Plan B. Good luck OP.

Could he be bipolar I wonder?
What AfterSchoolWorry said.

I also am wondering if he could be bipolar. Bipolar disorder is often mis-diagnosed as ADHD. The symptoms are very similar, but the moodiness, flat moods, sex thing and the drug abuse sound more like BPD than ADHD. If it is, then the ADHD meds work as a stimulant. They only help.with concentration, etc. if he's truly ADHD. Otherwise, they would make his mood swings much more erratic, and his behavior moe out-of-control.
It sometimes takes years to diagnose BPD, and the older someone is when first being treated the harder it is to control.
I'm not saying to stay with him. Even if it is bipolar he now has a drug problem on top of everything else, and getting the meds right can be difficult, even if he's compliant with taking them correctly. Too much anti-depressant makes my husband very hypermanicj, and he actually takes more of the meds to control his anger and mood swings.
His therapist told me that the way he behaves when his meds are in balance is the person he truly is, because the chemical imbalance in his brain has been leveled.

Please keep your children's and your own well-being in mind. We all suffered most of their lives (37 & 35) because of his disease, him included, but he tells me now he would have gotten help much sooner if I had left him.

Good luck to all of you. 💙

Mary1935 It's helpful to read the posts from the OP before posting-many times she refers to abuse of prescription medications

You're doing the right thing. He clearly does need help, but he has no incentive right now, and you're paying the very steep price. You're also not the right person to give him that help. You need to be there for the kids and keep them safe. And yourself too. He has to want to sort this out, and right now he's taking absolutely no responsibility at all. Lying, blaming you, blaming everything else, acting like a child storming off for evenings of 'treats' for himself. Not showing up to work. My god. Right now he has no intention of fixing anything. He thinks he'll come home like he always does, and carry on as he always has.

Now you're showing him that he can't, and that really is the best thing you can do for him.

This has got to be the biggest, most outrageous pile of shit I've ever seen on here (no disrespect intended to you op)

He's a manipulative and self indulgent twat who spends all of his time dancing to his own tune and dragging you and the kids in the dirt along behind him.

Really who gives a shit what he 'has' he has shown complete and utter contempt and disregard for you and your children.

Wouldn't it be nice if every time we got pissed off with life we could opt out and disappear off to a hotel or sit in a coffee shop, but no we can't do that because we are adults with responsibilities.

This cunt seems to have no concept of the above and seriously and needs to get a fucking grip, which he's never going to do with you around. Hes a drug and porn addict end of, and you are being taken for an absolute fool.

End the marriage before he ruins yours and the children's lives.

What a fucking disgrace

This is probably one of the worst posts I've ever read on here, and I've been on here for years!

Get rid of this absolutely awful man, op.

I agree with Closetbeanmuncher (love that name btw!)

Even if he had every valid MH diagnosis under the sun it wouldn't excuse his behaviour. 1 in 4 people have mental health issues...and 14/ of the population aren't abandoning their families, jobs and responsibilities to have a luxurious wank!

And yes I say that with some knowledge... my adult ADHD child (diagnosed very obviously at 6 and on lifelong medication for that and for other MH issues) is still impulsive, needs someone to help them manage their impulsiveness, sometimes bonkers ideas and hyperactivity... but manages to be out saving lives as a doctor... not messing up their partner's life.

Get out. He's a drug addict and a porn addict who is refusing to take responsibility for his own shitty actions. You are enabling his behaviour by allowing it to continue. Bloody abandon him!

In the nicest way, OP, he's taking you for an absolute mug.

And you're letting him.

Show your kids a better example of what a woman is

In the nicest way, OP, he's taking you for an absolute mug.

And you're letting him.

Show your kids a better example of what a woman is

I have to say what an earth is the point .

You are worth far more than this .

This isn’t a man with mh problems trying to get well.

This is a man playing a control game with you

I think put your kids needs first. Not their fathers. Your children need a supportive secure home .
Living with a bloke who’s: a drug addict, possible alcoholic and up and down like a YO-YO disapeering at the drop of a hat will only mess them up.
This bloke is a knob.
Get rid of him.
And I’d restrict access aswell he doesn’t sound stable enough to look after children.
This is nothing to to with his diagnosis and everything to do with him being a massive twat.

.....also get your self a 16 hour job get tax credits sorted get your ducks in a row and kick him out . Lock the door and change the locks what a twat

Closetbeanmuncher has it.

He's like a sinking ship. Don't stay with him - he will take you & your children down with him.

Get off now. Find a bloody life boat and work as hard as you can to get as far away from the wake as you can.

(Sorry for the crappy metaphor!)

"He tells me he needs the porn and I need to accept him and this."

He's half right. He's telling you he's not going to change and he needs you to accept that and shut up.

But he's half wrong: you do not have to do that He is behaving appallingly. If however he refuses to change, then perhaps you needs to see that as a deal breaker. It certainly looks Ike that from what you have posted

He has been guilting you into putting up with his appalling behaviour by saying you have to support him as he’s ill. Well truth of the matter is there are many parents with serious mental health conditions that require regular CPN visits to the home, regular psychologist and psychiatrist appointments, medication, who do NOT bow out of parenting and Sean off to hotels to the detriment of their partner and children. Every single day can be a fight to stay in control in their head yet they manage all care of their children. I would not dream of telling my husband he HAS to put up with bad behaviour - of course he doesn’t as being ill does not equal you must be a twat!! I’m sorry but I’m really angry that he is making a mockery of those who truly do struggle but still desperately try to do what’s best for the family...he is selfish, addictive and using you. You do not have to accept any of it, for you or your children.

It seems everything is about him. What about your needs?
Living with someone that needy must be exhausting.
Is it possible for you to get away for a bit, even with the children, maybe to family?

If he doesn’t work much, how’s he paying for hotels/booze/wankathons?

He works for himself @MrsElijahMikaelson1 and can choose when he works. He was quite successful before this all happened 2 years ago and others at the company are picking up the slack I guess.

He does work, he just sometimes decides he would rather go to a coffee shop. The other day he decided to go and test drive some cars. I feel quite jealous that he can do what he wants but I'm always responsible for the childcare no matter what. He says it shouldn't matter to me what he does when he's meant to be working as it doesn't affect me. I just think it seems unfair if he's taking time off not to help me or let me have some too.

His business partner is starting to get frustrated by him now though. Before he worked for himself he didn't last long in a company. Got bored and moved about every couple of years.

Just yuck. What a horrible man. I don't have ADHD but I do have a severe mental illness. And you know what? I take my prescribed medication, I keep my psychiatrist and doctor appointments and take responsibility for my health. I don't use it as an excuse to be a terrible person.
His behaviour is rotten to the core.
My cliche for this situation is "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".
He's showing you that he's an absolute pig. You and your kids do not deserve this vile treatment.

I think deep down you know you should leave him. He’s never going to consider you or your needs-though you don’t consider yourself either!

He doesn't sound like he has adhd, he sounds like he abuses his meds and doesn't give a shit about you or the kids. Ltb ltb ltb get yourself out of this it's not a relationship!

Stopping and starting psychiatric meds is an absolute no no. He should no way be "agreeing to stop meds" with you without his psychiatrist's day so. You should also not be responsible for his meds or prescriptions unless you are his registered carer.
This man is on self destruct mode. You're going to lose your own mental health if you don't break away.

He is quite the puppet master.

He is massively manipulating you to do his bidding, and you are falling for it hook, line and sinker. He has set you up to indulge his porn, drug and alcohol addictions—-self-diagnosing ADHD and Autism to fool you into accepting his egocentric, irresponsible, maladaptive behaviors. If he feels numb, it is likely because he is abusing alcohol and drugs.

He abandoned you when you were pregnant and is still absent. When home he is drinking and asleep on the sofa. He seems to spend most of his time spending family money in hotels for porn/alcohol binges or coffee shops analyzing his every breath. He manipulates you and doctors to help him abuse drugs. ADHD and Autism are not the reasons for ANY of this.

It is almost like you’ve been hypnotized into believing and obeying his every pronouncement and command. Please stop engaging with his mumbo jumbo and leave him. He is destroying you and damaging the children.

I consider webcamming to be cheating. Do you?