Married but tempted, please help!

[scaredandconfused2019]

I am not able to speak about this with anyone as I never want my husband to find out because I love him so much and don't ever want to lose him.
I've been with the same man for 18 years, married for 13. I honestly care about him so much, and love him and fancy him. We get on so well and have two beautiful children together. About a month ago, during a late night browse on FB, I got curious and messaged an ex boyfriend - he was my first love, I met him when I was only 19. Our relationship was brief and he left me for a woman he went on to marry. I am quite a nostalgic person - I guess I think about the past and I was curious to know how he was. We started to chat, just catching up - turns out the woman he married cheated on him and now he is single (and has an 10 year old son). Over the next few days, weeks we messaged each other a lot, this progressed to calling each other - it was so strange hearing his voice again after 20 years - and we even discussed meeting up. I felt excited and flattered that he wanted to be in touch with me but he didn't pressure me into anything other than just being in touch. As soon as I felt more than just a friendship between us I started to feel guilty about hiding things from my husband and also so confused - I really love my husband so much, why am I having feelings for this other man? So I tried to put a stop to the messages but lasted about a week - we then tried just platonic messages to each other but I am constantly checking my phone and feel like he is stuck in my mind.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do. The thought of cutting off all contact from him makes me feel so sad - for me and him - but I think I know in my heart that it what I need to do.
I am tempted to keep whatever it is we have going but I am not sure how anything could ever come of it.
Has anyone ever had experience of something similar who could advise?

Feel sad for a bit vs. fucking up your happy marraige? No brainer really!

I honestly agree with you, it is a no brainer - don't understand why I am finding it so hard to do?

Our relationship was brief and he left me for a woman he went on to marry

Isn't this enough reason to not bother with him?

Walk away; keep your knees crossed; stop the phone calls. NOW.

He's forbidden fruit. Everyone wants forbidden fruit! Does your husband know you've been in touch?

Right ok . You wanted it, so here it is. DO NOT meet this man. He was in your past, not your future ! You claim to love,still want to be with, and fancy your husband. So why have a teenage crush ( you are not a teenager) with what is just a memory of a person . Your husband does not deserve this . Ask yourself this question. If it is just as a catch up- then would you be happy to take your husband along to meet this man ?
I'm thinking the answer will be an immediate no. You really need to leave him in the past.

SandyY2K - I believe it wasn't meant to be between us, I get that. Just confused by the connection I am feeling between us now when I am so happily married.

Mishappening - I know you are right. Do you think I should explain to my ex before why I am doing what I am doing or just cut off contact?

Candlefloozy - no he doesn't know and you're right, he is forbidden fruit.

How would you feel when your husband tells you he has read the messages? How would you feel if he was doing the same and you found out? Imagine how your kids would feel knowing that you broke up their happy home (even as adults, they will find out one day).

I know (I do know!) it's hard, but ultimately it's the only thing to do. You must do it. Send a final message saying that you feel some boundaries have been crossed and that you can't disrespect your DH as he is, your DH. And you love him.

Victoriabun - you are right, this is a teenage crush and no, I am no longer a teenager - a midlife crush more like I guess. And no, my husband does not deserve this.

You are all right and I feel quite pathetic - think I just needed it spelt out for me. The reason I haven't spoken to any friends about it is I know they would also think I was being ridiculous (and I am scared).

Thanks so much for your honesty.

Don't be a fucking idiot

ahtellthee - have you had a similar experience? I will send a message to end it and I know I won't regret it.

Is it sort of like an addiction, the sort of hit of Adrenalin or whatever it is? I think block him from contacting you so you can’t check your phone or get drawn in to anything that will be harmful to your marriage. You can explain if you want that it feels inappropriate but send the message then block the reply, don’t sit around waiting for an out pouring of angst.

Why do you want to explain? He knows your married. I presume he knows your keeping him a secret from your husband? Or is it because you want that one 'last' conversation'? The one where you weaken again and persuade yourself it's not as bad as you think? The one where he flatters you and tells you he has always loved you? The one where you both really open up about this 'connection'? The one where this emotional affairs comes out in the open between you?

Unless you are thinking of a short closure message telling him for the sake of your marraige you are immediately blocking him, then you lying to yourself AGAIN.

AnyFucker - thank you, I know I am being a fucking idiot - I just needed to hear it I guess

I think you are in love - with the teenage you! This man is like a time machine! Reminding you of the younger (fitter/care-free, slimmer??) You! Maybe!

But he is not a time machine. He is a wrenching ball.

STAY AWAY!

Honestly, you prob feel you are stuck in a marriage rut and you are looking for excitement or attention. Speak to your husband and tell him before this all goes pear shaped. You said yourself you dated him briefly more than 20 years ago? You don't really know him - don't hurt your poor husband over someone who is effectively really a stranger to you. You want some attention - ask your husband for it.

Itsallnonesense - it does feel like an addiction - I am quite an addictive person in a lot of ways. I guess I am flattered too - that someone other than my husband wants to make a connection with me. If I am really honest, I feel lonely - I don't have a lot of friends outside of my marriage, I guess this has made me feel less lonely.

You're not confused about why you feel these things- you've said yourself it's because you are a nostalgic person, you are wondering what could have been!

If you are truly happy then you need to stop obsessing over the past and get a grip, as harsh as that sounds I think you need someone to give you a good shake

Italiangreyhound - I was slimmer back then and I have a romantic memory of how things were. I know in my heart we went our separate ways for good reason and my husband is the man for me.

Writing about it with you all is really helping me make sense of my feelings, thank you.

Imagine coming home one day and finding your husband in tears, with screenshots of the messages in his hand....horrific?...if you end it tonight, block your ex, and delete the messages, this won't happen.

Don't be so fucking stupid. Cut contact now before you get in any further.

My DH did exactly the same with an ex of his and the fallout and hurt has been horrendous for all of us.

Wake up before you wreck everyone's lives.

What is even worse about all of this is that the whole thing has made me massively horny and I am having great sex with my husband again (things had gone a bit dry in that department) - I feel like such an awful wife!

emotionalaffair - I am so sorry to hear that

I realise I have been fucking stupid - I just needed to get my head around it

Your poor husband. End this shit now, or tell him what's happening.

Don't be a dick.