Married but tempted, please help!

[scaredandconfused2019]

I am not able to speak about this with anyone as I never want my husband to find out because I love him so much and don't ever want to lose him.
I've been with the same man for 18 years, married for 13. I honestly care about him so much, and love him and fancy him. We get on so well and have two beautiful children together. About a month ago, during a late night browse on FB, I got curious and messaged an ex boyfriend - he was my first love, I met him when I was only 19. Our relationship was brief and he left me for a woman he went on to marry. I am quite a nostalgic person - I guess I think about the past and I was curious to know how he was. We started to chat, just catching up - turns out the woman he married cheated on him and now he is single (and has an 10 year old son). Over the next few days, weeks we messaged each other a lot, this progressed to calling each other - it was so strange hearing his voice again after 20 years - and we even discussed meeting up. I felt excited and flattered that he wanted to be in touch with me but he didn't pressure me into anything other than just being in touch. As soon as I felt more than just a friendship between us I started to feel guilty about hiding things from my husband and also so confused - I really love my husband so much, why am I having feelings for this other man? So I tried to put a stop to the messages but lasted about a week - we then tried just platonic messages to each other but I am constantly checking my phone and feel like he is stuck in my mind.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do. The thought of cutting off all contact from him makes me feel so sad - for me and him - but I think I know in my heart that it what I need to do.
I am tempted to keep whatever it is we have going but I am not sure how anything could ever come of it.
Has anyone ever had experience of something similar who could advise?

If you were happily married OP you would not be chatting up your Ex!

I have to say I agree with this too. Don't get me wrong, you've done the right thing in knocking it on the head but even when you came here looking for advice you said you were tempted to keep it going.

I also agree with Shatner in that you've been overly defensive when anyone has been saying anything even remotely other than very soothing words and lashing out at people if you didn't like what you heard (maybe they were closer to home than you wanted to believe). There were others who were far more blunt than Shatner (in fact they were downright rude), people calling you a dick and saying don't be a fucking idiot and you barely batted an eyelid at them.

Just because someone is a woman, doesn't mean they can only say whatever you want to hear.

I honestly don't feel I have lashed out. I have taken on board all that has been said to me. Everything that has been said has helped me to take the steps to try and resolve the situation and I am grateful for that.
I don't have to agree with you that I am not happily married because it is not the truth for me
It's OK for you to think that though, go ahead.

8 years of looking where you can pick an argument with others (I had a brief and enlightening look at your previous interactions)

I think that was pretty out of order actually. And I'm amazed someone new to Mumsnet was able to suss out how to do that so quickly. Took me months to realise it.

I think happily married people do indulge in harmless flirtations.

We do kind of assume this of men, don't we?

It probably did start off very harmless but now it is a threat to the OP's marriage. So she has stopped. Well don OP.

I know why Shatner made that comment about your husband and your sex drive.

I had an emotional affair over some months and it did become physical (kissing only, not that I'm defending it). I finally decided I was being a silly bitch and ended it and put myself whole heartedly into my marriage. This included being far more sexual with my husband than I had been in some time.

He was surprised. To the point that he actually asked what had happened to bring about this change after a year or two of marriage. Unfortunately I am shit liar and started muttering something and he said "have you had an affair?" I don't know where or how, but the change had just been noticed. And I couldn't hide it.

He was devastated and we split up for a while. We got back together but it took a lot of work on my part. Men do notice if we suddenly become more interested sexually in the same way women do if their man suddenly becomes less interested sexually - because if he's not stressed with work or ill, he's probably getting it elsewhere or is at least thinking about it.

If anyone thinks I have been out of order, I genuinely apologise for that.

@scaredandconfused2019 I would stop worrying about those who are being anything other than helpful. Strangers on the internet are not something you should put your energy into.

Well done for breaking contact. The trick now is maintaining it. This will take a little more self control. You can do it though! It's a bit like stopping smoking, every time I have a few drinks, the temptation is there. And so you must resist. Do not unblock!

I don’t think you’ve been at all out of order OP. And I think you’ve probably had something of a wake up call here - which is good because so often people are going to to what they were going to do regardless.
But I’d like to ask you a genuine question if you’ll answer. How would you feel if you discovered your DH had done exactly what you’ve done with an ex, not more, but not less? Would you feel differently toward him, would it affect your feelings for him or your relationship, when also knowing that you had done the same? I’d really appreciate your reflection if you have any to offer.

Dadaist - shamefully, I would be absolutely devastated if my DH did the same to me as I know he would be devastated if he found out what I had done. I would hope that we are strong enough after all these years to move on from it but yes, if I am honest, it would change my feelings. I know his feelings would change towards me if he were to find out what I have done.

We have been through a lot together. He wasn't honest with me about some things in the beginning of our relationship. I think I used to think in a marriage you have to tell each other every single thought in your head for it to be a solid marriage. But I'm older now, and realise love and marriage is not so black and white.
I do know I will love him forever and he is my soul mate. This is a wake up call on so many levels, I really am grateful for what I have as I know not everyone is so lucky.

Thank you scaredandconfused2019 That’s really helpful for me! You see - I think that this is the kind of double think that we all succumb to - it’s ok for me but I’d not forgive my partner. Only - once you’ve gone down that road you really don’t have a leg to stand on. Do you think a ‘don’t ask don’t tell relationship’ is really the best option? Or is that the path to faking what you have? I just don’t know...!

Stop all contact. Imagine how you'd feel if your husband did this to you! Its crazy. Youre inviting a whole heap of shit into your life.

OP. You've been through a rocky situation and made a firm choice before anyone was hurt. You're clearly very self aware and gawd, none of us are worthy of a halo, are we?! You made a mistake and then you owned it
You must feel a sense of relief now you've made your decision and come back down to earth. I think you were just daydreaming and it snowballed. But you put a stop to it, and you've been really honest with yourself and taken full responsibility which isn't always easy.
Good luck for the future. I wish you well. We all f#$% up in some aspect of our life. Luckily you had the sense to pull the pin.