Married but tempted, please help!

[scaredandconfused2019]

I am not able to speak about this with anyone as I never want my husband to find out because I love him so much and don't ever want to lose him.
I've been with the same man for 18 years, married for 13. I honestly care about him so much, and love him and fancy him. We get on so well and have two beautiful children together. About a month ago, during a late night browse on FB, I got curious and messaged an ex boyfriend - he was my first love, I met him when I was only 19. Our relationship was brief and he left me for a woman he went on to marry. I am quite a nostalgic person - I guess I think about the past and I was curious to know how he was. We started to chat, just catching up - turns out the woman he married cheated on him and now he is single (and has an 10 year old son). Over the next few days, weeks we messaged each other a lot, this progressed to calling each other - it was so strange hearing his voice again after 20 years - and we even discussed meeting up. I felt excited and flattered that he wanted to be in touch with me but he didn't pressure me into anything other than just being in touch. As soon as I felt more than just a friendship between us I started to feel guilty about hiding things from my husband and also so confused - I really love my husband so much, why am I having feelings for this other man? So I tried to put a stop to the messages but lasted about a week - we then tried just platonic messages to each other but I am constantly checking my phone and feel like he is stuck in my mind.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do. The thought of cutting off all contact from him makes me feel so sad - for me and him - but I think I know in my heart that it what I need to do.
I am tempted to keep whatever it is we have going but I am not sure how anything could ever come of it.
Has anyone ever had experience of something similar who could advise?

I have ever posted on Mumsnet but I have read the news about how it can be on here. Shame there will always be woman who jump at a chance to tear other women down. But I know it says a lot more about them than it does about

I agree. It's such a shame really, because it can be really supportive in some situations, but the unnecessary insults and holier than thou judgemental responses spoil it.

You don't deserve to be called an idiot or stupid or a dick. It really does reflect on them and what comes across as their microscopic perspectives.

You've mentioned that you love your husband so much and you're so happily married.
If that were true, you wouldn't have felt the need to contact your ex.

It sounds like you're in denial and need to maybe look for any underlying issues in your marriage.

Also, stop contact with your ex immediately. He is nothing more than a fantasy and you are about to ruin your whole life over it.

Just seen that you've decided to cut contact. Well done.

Your not a bad person for having feelings for someone else.

It doesn’t invalidate your love.

Monogamy is not the only correct and true way to love.

Don’t be a douche to your husband though. Stop this now and don’t look back or come clean and see if your hearts desire can be fufilled

HerrenaHarridan - thank you, if you read back, you will see I have stopped all contact

Mrsmummy90 - with respect, I don't agree. I am happily married. There are other reasons people want to reconnect with someone from their past than underlying marriage issues. But I agree with the immoral aspect of it, I acknowledge I have made a mistake and have cut contact.

SandyY2K - thank you for your kindness

AnyFucker - as do you

MillenialMum89 - have you never made a mistake? Are you 100% perfect? Maybe you are, lucky you. Good luck with maintaining that. If you ever do make a mistake and reach out for support, I hope the response you have is kinder than what you have offered me.

ScarletBitch - you need to re-read my OP. I am happily married. There are other reasons people reach out to individuals from their past than to "chat them up". Your user name is quite apt though.

@scaredandconfused2019 you say that There are other reasons people reach out to individuals from their past than to "chat them up"

What are those reasons? Genuine question, because I have never felt the urge, late at night, to track down and message my first love and honestly can't understand why anyone would do that if they were in a happy marriage. You say you're a nostalgic person and I'd say I definitely am myself, but you can think about the past without actively hunting it down and chatting to it late at night.

ShatnersWig - trying to make sense of the past, curious to know how that person is, spontaneity, impulsiveness, excitement, boredom.

Also, you can be happily married but lonely in other aspects of your life.

I am happy for you that you have never acted on a temptation, good for you.

I was asking a genuine question to try and understand and you can't help yourself but have a go back. Anyone you perceive to be remotely critical in any slight way you have to have a go at. Not a nice trait.

Yes, I have been there. It ended when I left my job as it was a work-place thing. I didn't tell my husband. It put a wedge between us. DH had his own affair 19 years later.

My advice - tell you DH that this has happened and his reaction will probably help pour cold water all over this newly reactivated romance.

I have just defended myself, not having a go. Here is a thought, you don't have to understand my point of view, just as I don't have to understand yours. If we are talking about nice traits, trying to put down another woman who has just been honest and reached out for support isnt exactly a redeeming quality. Have a good day.

1. I don't see where I have put you down. My first posting said well done for deciding to have nothing to do with this other bloke again.
2. Look back at your postings. You've had a go at anyone who you perceive to be slightly critical (which is different from those who've been very blunt or harsh). There's defending yourself and then there's biting back needlessly.
3. As you're new to MN, you need to be aware that not everyone on Mumsnet is a woman.

Have a good day.

@ShatnersWig

1. When you said "Anyone you perceive to be remotely critical in any slight way you have to have a go at. Not a nice trait." it is my understanding that you were putting me down.
2. I have read back. I have defended myself, if you see it as 'biting back' have a look at your replies to me. You seem good at a bit of biting yourself!
3. Thanks for the heads up. I wrongly presumed you were a woman - maybe because you come across catty - hope you find what you are looking for on Mumsnet.

What a delightful place this is.

I didn't actually say I was a man, but you've twice commented about women putting down women. Be advised not everyone on Mumsnet is a woman.

I've been here over 8 years, so guess I regularly find what I'm looking for on MN.

@scaredandconfused2019 just ignore @ShatnersWig. Sanctimonious springs to mind. Hope his/her halo doesn't slip and choke them.
FWIW I wouldn't tell your DH as you've put an end to communicating with ex xxx

Op, I’m going to be blunt.
Your connection to your ex doesn’t “ mean” anything, it’s not like some beautiful truth that you have to honour. It’s just what we have evolved to keep the human race going. Your nervous system and hormones will be flooding you with the right chemicals to make your sense disappear in a mist, so you get on with breeding new humans, and avoiding human extinction. It’s really that simple.
A good marriage is gold. Value it.
Cut off from ex, feel sad for a bit, then invest time and energy into your marriage. In a few years you will feel that you’ve dodged a bullet.

Sorry, I see you’ve ended it. I’ll shut my mouth.

ShatnersWig - 8 years of looking where you can pick an argument with others (I had a brief and enlightening look at your previous interactions). Tell me, I am genuinely interested, what does that add to your life? Your self esteem? Your ego? What have you found on Mumsnet that you haven't been able to find in real life interactions? Did hearing that I have a happy marriage sting you in some way? Does it make you feel better about yourself if my marriage wasn't happy? I gave you an honest answer to your question, would be really interested to hear yours.

Babyno5 - thank you for your support

Ohyesiam - absolutely feel already I have dodged an almighty bullet

“Women tearing other women down”

You’d get the same response whatever you had between your legs. You’ve been having an emotional affair and I imagine you’d be gutted if you were in your DH’s position.

Thrilled you’ve cut contact, go give yourself the pat on the back you’ve been looking for.

That was a close shave op. Have you deleted every single message? You need to make sure this situation does not escalate any further.

You are not 19 anymore. Yes it was exciting to be a teenager, and not as exciting now, but what you have now is more valuable, meaningful and not worth throwing away.

Just as well you came on here, if you hadn't then your whole family could have been very very damaged and hurt.

@CaptainCabinets - yes, you're right - male/female response to my message has been fair and justified, not at all nasty.

I'm not looking for any pat on the back, thank you, glad that you are thrilled for me though

@Springwalk - despite some reactions, I am glad I came on here too. Yes, all messages are deleted. And you are right, I am absolutely not 19 anymore. This has been a huge wake up call.

Do you think your husband wonders to himself why you are suddenly massively horny and having great sex again after things had gone dry?

OP don’t give them the reaction they’re desperate for

Being tempted is not the same as acting on it. Mumsnet is very black and white (unfortunately) and with some posters you can never win. They aren’t worth your time

Well done for ending things with this ex. You’ve done the right thing.

If you were happily married OP you would not be chatting up your Ex!

This - I agree. Even when I was unhappily married I resisted temptation from other men because I wanted to convince myself my marriage could work. Big mistake - it didn't!