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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married but tempted, please help!

112 replies

scaredandconfused2019 · 17/03/2019 17:47

I am not able to speak about this with anyone as I never want my husband to find out because I love him so much and don't ever want to lose him.
I've been with the same man for 18 years, married for 13. I honestly care about him so much, and love him and fancy him. We get on so well and have two beautiful children together. About a month ago, during a late night browse on FB, I got curious and messaged an ex boyfriend - he was my first love, I met him when I was only 19. Our relationship was brief and he left me for a woman he went on to marry. I am quite a nostalgic person - I guess I think about the past and I was curious to know how he was. We started to chat, just catching up - turns out the woman he married cheated on him and now he is single (and has an 10 year old son). Over the next few days, weeks we messaged each other a lot, this progressed to calling each other - it was so strange hearing his voice again after 20 years - and we even discussed meeting up. I felt excited and flattered that he wanted to be in touch with me but he didn't pressure me into anything other than just being in touch. As soon as I felt more than just a friendship between us I started to feel guilty about hiding things from my husband and also so confused - I really love my husband so much, why am I having feelings for this other man? So I tried to put a stop to the messages but lasted about a week - we then tried just platonic messages to each other but I am constantly checking my phone and feel like he is stuck in my mind.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do. The thought of cutting off all contact from him makes me feel so sad - for me and him - but I think I know in my heart that it what I need to do.
I am tempted to keep whatever it is we have going but I am not sure how anything could ever come of it.
Has anyone ever had experience of something similar who could advise?

OP posts:
pelirocco123 · 18/03/2019 09:32

Its perfectly natural to have thoughts about another person , the tricky bit is not to act on them ! Just keep reminding yourself this person isnt perfect it is all just a fantasy and if you dont stop it now you ( and of course all those close to you ) will be hurt very badly

ShatnersWig · 18/03/2019 09:37

Well done. But don't fucking do this shit again: About a month ago, during a late night browse on FB, I got curious and messaged an ex boyfriend If you can't resist messaging ex boyfriends late at night when you love and fancy your husband, delete fucking Messenger and/or Facebook.

WasFatNowThin · 18/03/2019 11:27

Thank you for starting this thread OP, you've just given me the strength to finish my affair. I got together with an ex from 27 years ago, we've been having an affair for 10 months now. I'm glad you didn't get to the physical side, the guilt is excruciating. That's him just been texted and blocked.

Original poster
scaredandconfused2019 · 18/03/2019 11:55

Italiangreyhound - thank you for sharing your experience. I do find it difficult letting go of who I used to be. I had a lot of fun in my youth. But I know I have too much to lose to take temptation to the next stage.

Mishappening - I did that very thing with both children and it felt amazing. I choose them and this mundane beautiful life, over a passing crush.

ShatnersWig - I have learnt my lesson, I won't be doing any of this shit again

WasFatNowThin - that is amazing that I have helped you in this way. Well done, I know that can't have been easy for you. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat. No judgement from me x

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredandconfused2019 · 18/03/2019 11:59

Just wanted to say, I have had several PMs from people in very similar situations. It seems that we are not all perfect wives and sometimes we get tempted. I didn't for one minute come on here to say I was proud of what I had done or expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I acknowledge that I have been an idiot to even get to this stage. I just wanted to say thank you to all those who have listened and supported without judgement. Anyone else (including the less supportive PMs I have had) you can go back to polishing your fucking halos. Adios.

OP posts:
satsumagirl · 18/03/2019 12:05

@scaredandconfused2019 Don't beat yourself up about this.Who in a long relationship has not been tempted?

You've done exactly the right thing. This would never have ended well and wouldn't have been worth the pain. I had a near miss myself a while back and thank my lucky stars everyday that I did not go there.

Original poster
scaredandconfused2019 · 18/03/2019 12:08

Satsumagirl - thank you, I do feel I have learnt a lot from this. A midlife crisis maybe, but at least I have stopped things before it went too far.

OP posts:
Wasthisworthit · 18/03/2019 12:32

I'm glad you've ended it.

A few months ago a message flashed on my fiances phone so I just clicked on it. We always used to say to each other oh you've got a message and read it out loud to them if they were busy, nothing unusual.
It wasn't a message from a friend. It was a message from a colleague. One of hundreds. All very flirty and growing more explicit.

The bottom fell out of my world. We had a small baby and were planning our wedding. It absolutely destroyed me. I tried to forgive him. We put wedding planning on hold for a bit and tried to fix things. It didn't work, I couldn't get over the betrayal and he couldn't understand why as nothing physical had happened.
We're apart now, and neither of us is particularly happy or doing well, but I just couldn't stay. I couldn't look him in the eyes. The easiest way of describing it is being hollow. I cope because I have to, my child needs me. But I'm a shell of who I was and I don't know how long it will take to be me again.

You made the right choice.

Original poster
scaredandconfused2019 · 18/03/2019 12:43

Wasthisworthit - my heart goes out to you, I can't imagine the hurt and pain you felt reading those messages. I know I have done the right thing as I couldn't bear to hurt my husband, I do love him so much. I don't know if it helps, hearing it from my perspective (and to what your ex might have felt). My messages to this guy were a fantasy thing, I stepped out of my conscience and (selfishly) just enjoyed the moment, the flattery, the feeling of being wanted). My husband had done nothing wrong and it did not mean my feelings for him were any less. I am quite a sexual person and, if I am honest again, I just got a buzz off thinking that I did it for another guy.

Did you and your ex ever have any counselling? I am sorry to hear neither of you are doing well x

OP posts:
satsumagirl · 18/03/2019 14:18

@scaredandconfused2019 No worries x

This article about having an affair and also how it feels when you are on the other side of it is really thought provoking. Made me stop in my tracks when I was wondering what to do.
www.nytimes.com/2010/12/12/fashion/12Modern.html

emotionalaffair · 18/03/2019 17:39

Use the search function and read the many threads of heartbreak after emotional affairs and then you might realise why you received some harsh words. I really don't know how you could possibly have expected anything else.

Nobody was going to say go for it, it's not going to hurt to have an emotional affair.

Original poster
scaredandconfused2019 · 18/03/2019 18:49

I didn't expect anyone to say go for it and if you read my OP again, I asked for advice from people who had been in a similar situation about the emotions of breaking it off. I agreed with all the replies that what I had done was stupid. It's the sanctimonious nature of some replies I object too when I know we are all flawed and make mistakes and evidently there are others who, like me have been tempted. I didn't come on here to be sworn at and be 'told off'. I understand that it has hit a nerve with you - I certainly don't think I should be the one you direct your anger at.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredandconfused2019 · 18/03/2019 18:51

@satsumagirl thanks for sending me that article and especially for your non-judgemental response x

OP posts:
HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 18/03/2019 18:53

It’s the adrenaline plus the nostalgia. We al have these fleeting thoughts but in reality it never ends well. Never. Please cut all contact.

JellycatElfie · 18/03/2019 18:55

You posted for help.. I hope you got some but I don’t think you needed insulting! You’ve done the right thing Op I hope you are ok and enjoy your lovely marriage! Not many people have that so treasure it.

Original poster
scaredandconfused2019 · 18/03/2019 19:01

HeyCarrie - I have done just that and a ready feel so much better for it. You're right, it was a buzz but not worth the hurt and angst obviously.
Jellycat - it is the first time I have ever posted on Mumsnet but I have read the news about how it can be on here. Shame there will always be woman who jump at a chance to tear other women down. But I know it says a lot more about them than it does about me xx

OP posts:
satsumagirl · 18/03/2019 21:24

@scaredandconfused2019 Believe me, I have been there. Nothing untoward happened with this chap but it messed with my head so much that I ended up in therapy.

I was going through a very bad time in my marriage, felt ugly and very lonely and was tempted by someone who showed me attention. So predictable.

I decided to see it as a test so avoided any situations where I would have been tempted eg after work drinks. Yes there was a little flirting but nothing else. I longed for him so much. I still miss him now but have not had contact with him for over a year.

In therapy I realised that this attraction was all about making myself feel good, and that if I took this further it would hurt DH, my children and ultimately myself. I am so grateful that I didn't.

You have done the right thing xx

bluebell34567 · 18/03/2019 21:38

i think loneliness is one of the major reasons for your situation.
can you pursue other friendships, social environments? do you have family around?

Orange6904 · 18/03/2019 23:00

Lucky escape, the guy left you for another woman and now he's messaging you knowing you're married. I bet he isn't single. Good call. Good luck op.

babyno5 · 18/03/2019 23:02

@scaredandconfused2019 it's so hard when you reconnect with your past. I had a baby with my "first love"-well I say with him but he left me when I was 3 months pregnant. That was 28 years ago. He married and had more children. Paid maintenance but he didn't want contact with his son.
Fast forward to now and my son has become a dad himself and contacted his father. He will be over in the UK this summer and my son wants us all to be together (yep including my DP and his fathers wife)
I loved this man from the age of 13 till he left me at 21 and for many many years after. I'm absolutely dreading seeing him. One small consolation is omg what a total munter his wife is 😂😂.
You've done the right thing xxx

MillenialMum89 · 18/03/2019 23:21

Sickening. This forum spits on the sanctity of marriage all too often.

ShatnersWig · 18/03/2019 23:27

One small consolation is omg what a total munter his wife is 😂😂

Aren't you delightful?

ScarletBitch · 18/03/2019 23:33

If you were happily married OP you would not be chatting up your Ex!

babyno5 · 18/03/2019 23:38

@ShatnersWig yes I am delightful but his munter of a wife was the one who stood in the way of contact for 27 years (and yes I k ow he should have stood up to her more) so if I want to comment on her appearance then I shall

AnyFucker · 18/03/2019 23:44

This thread just keeps on giving...