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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married but tempted, please help!

112 replies

scaredandconfused2019 · 17/03/2019 17:47

I am not able to speak about this with anyone as I never want my husband to find out because I love him so much and don't ever want to lose him.
I've been with the same man for 18 years, married for 13. I honestly care about him so much, and love him and fancy him. We get on so well and have two beautiful children together. About a month ago, during a late night browse on FB, I got curious and messaged an ex boyfriend - he was my first love, I met him when I was only 19. Our relationship was brief and he left me for a woman he went on to marry. I am quite a nostalgic person - I guess I think about the past and I was curious to know how he was. We started to chat, just catching up - turns out the woman he married cheated on him and now he is single (and has an 10 year old son). Over the next few days, weeks we messaged each other a lot, this progressed to calling each other - it was so strange hearing his voice again after 20 years - and we even discussed meeting up. I felt excited and flattered that he wanted to be in touch with me but he didn't pressure me into anything other than just being in touch. As soon as I felt more than just a friendship between us I started to feel guilty about hiding things from my husband and also so confused - I really love my husband so much, why am I having feelings for this other man? So I tried to put a stop to the messages but lasted about a week - we then tried just platonic messages to each other but I am constantly checking my phone and feel like he is stuck in my mind.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do. The thought of cutting off all contact from him makes me feel so sad - for me and him - but I think I know in my heart that it what I need to do.
I am tempted to keep whatever it is we have going but I am not sure how anything could ever come of it.
Has anyone ever had experience of something similar who could advise?

OP posts:
SuziQ10 · 17/03/2019 18:25

No judgment from me.
I still think about my first love from 15 years ago. He plays on my mind still, after all these years. I'm now happily married and have not spoken to first love in many, many years. However given the chance, I would meet him. To see that he is not the person I imagine him to be, & to finally realise the feelings I have for him are silly and fictional.

It's really hard to move on from rejection. First love broke my heart, he didn't want me anymore.. and that hurt. So part of the reason I think I still think of him, is to somehow imagine I can seek his approval and prove to myself he was wrong to reject me?? I don't know. It's a bit insane really. Be careful - and don't lie to you husband who is your love in reality!

Foxmuffin · 17/03/2019 18:29

You’re flattered and he’s available. Just stop talking to him.

Original poster
scaredandconfused2019 · 17/03/2019 18:30

Thanks for your response Suzi - it helps to know that you understand what I might be feeling.

Broken hearts are hard to mend - the last thing I want in all of this is to break my husband's. I will be ending things, talking about it has really helped.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2019 18:31

There is nothing wrong with having fantasies, but you have crossed a very serious line because you are now involved in an emotional affair. Pull your head out of your arse before you blow up your whole life. If your husband finds out, there will be no way to repair the damage. Stop communicating in any way with this man RIGHT NOW.

emotionalaffair · 17/03/2019 18:34

I have a physical pain in my chest from the hurt. I lost 2 stone in just over a month as I can't eat. Can't sleep. In tears every day.

It feels like a bereavement, worse than when close family members have died. And it will never go away.

You really want to do that to your DH that you say you love so much?

1wokeuplikethis · 17/03/2019 18:34

Picture this: you meet up, everything is amazing and romantic and you have butterflies and you do something silly and you get back with your ex and your marriage is over but it’s worth it! You’re so alive and in love! You couldn’t help it, it was meant to be.

Then 3 months later he has dumped you again. Your ex husband can’t ever trust you again. Your children are coping with going through the separation of their parents and everyone is burnt and hurting and nothing will ever be the same again and you wish you could go back to this point and make some different decisions.

SongforSal · 17/03/2019 18:37

DON'T DO IT!

OP-I know i'll sound like a narcissistic twat right now but the fact is I have had a lot of attention from men over the years. I have been with DP nearly 20yrs and that is not going to change. The grass is not greener. The way I look at it is there is dick everywhere if your willing.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/03/2019 18:38

I think ItalianGreyhound makes a good point. I think perhaps, rather than feeling things for him, you feel nostalgic about parts of yourself that have been diminished through time. Perhaps you miss being young, independent, passionate? Could it be less about him and more about the memory of your younger self? It certainly isn’t worth jeopardising your family over this. Imagine living in a little rented flat, spending weekends and every other Christmas without your children. You would have the rest of your life to regret going down this slippery slope. Please don’t do it.

ColdCrumpetsandButter · 17/03/2019 18:41

How would you feel if your husband was doing this?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 17/03/2019 18:45

What you are feeling is not that special OP, this like meeting an old friend. You establish rapport quite quickly because at some point you knew each other well but I think it will be silly to pursue a romantic situation with him first, at the end of the day there are good reasons why you are no longer together and he never tried to come back.

You don’t really know who he is now, what he looks like and most importantly, the likelihood of you two feeling attracted to each other when you meet is absolutely minimal (if you don’t believe me, spend some time in the OLD threads)

I think you need to put this nonsense to the side, and stop feeding your imagination before you fall out of love with your husband.

IM0GEN · 17/03/2019 18:51

If this had made you realise that you are lonely, then you need to pursue more appropriate friendships.

Do you have any hobbies or do any volunteering where you could meet new people ?

Hopoindown31 · 17/03/2019 18:58

This is an emotional affair. Of your DH finds out what you've done, even now, it will cause significant damage and might be enough for him to decide to end things. Going any further will just increase the stakes even more.

You know you are playing with fire so you either put down the matches or prepare to get burnt.

candlefloozy · 17/03/2019 19:01

Totally understand where you're coming from with this. But I think you're just thinking what if. When you're a teenager things seem more dramatic and like you feel more as a rational
Adult. Honestly it's mega exciting but it's not worth it. If you haven't told your husband then you need to knock this on the head now.

theothermum · 17/03/2019 19:01

What @Italiangreyhound said.

RockinHippy · 17/03/2019 19:15

How old are you?? This sounds like classic "midlife crisis" stuff. Hankering after young love & part of you wanting to rewrite the past so that you weren't rejected by this man. Your ego is feeling low, you need to address that, but not by fucking up the lives of the ones you really love. Walk away. You've already proven it's an option for you now, but it was never a good option anyway. Find another way to boost your self esteem & stop contact p, do not take yourself any further down this road of self destruction. Think about counselling. You will get over it.

Mishappening · 17/03/2019 19:32

This is a wake-up call. Start to cultivate other interests on your life - meet some new people - take up a new hobby - volunteer for a charity - get a P/T job - or whatever. Regard this as an opportunity to move forward and do some positive things.

I do not think that you should explain anything to this old flame. Just stop answering his messages and phone calls. He will get the hint. You owe him nothing.

wasnotwasweregood · 17/03/2019 20:14

Yep I'm another in agreement with ItalianGreyhound it's not this man you want to re-connect with it's 19 year-old you.
It's great that you still really fancy your husband, that means you still 'see' him as a man, the person you've lost sight of might be yourself.
I find the adrenaline rush you're experiencing interesting - is there any other activity you could do to push your boundaries/break your routine/give you a different kind of adrenaline rush?
The thing is when you have young children you're right in that phase of life where the routine that helps your family function is vital. It's not unusual to find yourself both knackered and bored stupid. Could you have a look and see if there are ways you could break up your routine a bit or plan some adventures?
Whatever you do knock off the messaging - your DH doesn't deserve this.

Fedupofthisrubbish · 17/03/2019 21:35

Set aside some uninterrupted private time. Sit down close your eyes and imagine this continues, your husband finds out and the impact it has on your relarionship. Really explore it in your head. I guarantee you would do anything to turn back time and not do it.

This is your chance to not go there.

Just stop. Right now. Block and don't explain.

Original poster
scaredandconfused2019 · 17/03/2019 22:28

I can't thank you all enough. You have all given me the wake up call I needed and I have deleted his number and blocked him on social media. I actually don't feel sad, but relieved and I 100% know I have done the right thing. Thanks again for all your wise words x

OP posts:
lady11 · 17/03/2019 22:28

Please don't do anything with this guy. I was married to a brilliant man but we stopped having sex so I got back in touch with an ex slept with him and that one night turned into me foolishly falling for him and leaving my husband. I regret ruining my marriage. The grass is not always greener on the other side believe me

Musti · 17/03/2019 22:36

Good call op. Enjoy the wonderful marriage and your lovely and sexy husband - not many people have that so treasure it.

ColdCrumpetsandButter · 17/03/2019 22:41

Wise decision.

Keep your youth in your past where it belongs.

Designerenvy · 17/03/2019 22:43

I'm sure it's very flattering and exciting but that doesn't last . You had a "brief " relationship with him and he cheated on you. Don't go there again or you could lose everything.
You are very lucky, you care for, love and fancy your DH, not many people can say t that.
Don't put that at risk please. Think about this logically , you have what a lot of women may never have, don't throw it away.
Stop all contact now , forget him , and put your time and energy into your marriage.

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2019 08:05

Wise decision.

I'm still friends with a guy I knew as a teen. I know he had a big crush on me at one time and my thoughts to you are based on what I feel - that sometimes people from our past remind us of ourselves!

I was much prettier and slimmer as a teen and my dh simply doesn't know that version of me. But what my dh does know the me who has been ill, pregnant, lost my parents etc. Through all life's dramas my dh has been by my side and loved me. And that is who I am now, not the teenage me!

Just remember that if the tables were turned and your dh were chasing after memories of his teens and jeopardizing his family, how that would hurt.

Stay strong, being tempted is not the same as giving in temptation.

Mishappening · 18/03/2019 09:17

Well done - get on and enjoy your life, knowing you have absolutely done the right thing. Go hug one of your children - if that doesn't remind you of why you have taken this step, then nothing will.