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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Actually shocked at what an idiot I am...

234 replies

Redfronts · 17/03/2019 13:47

DP and I haven’t been getting along, so today I asked for him to leave the house for a week, so I can think about what I want to do.
He response was “This is my house, so you can go”. Then it hit me, I’m not on the deeds of the house, so I questioned him about it, and now find out he hasn’t put me on the council tax either.
That means that if we separated I would walk away with nothing.
Been together 15 yrs and have 3 kids. Also, keeps promising to get married and we never do.
I’ve been a complete fool and I’m so angry with myself.
I insisted I wanted my name on the house immediately. He said “start paying half the mortgage and you can” knowing that’s not possible as I’m a full time carer for our disabled son.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 17/03/2019 13:51

Go to a solicitor but it will not be straightforward. You need professional advice.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/03/2019 13:54

See a solicitor and register an interest in the house - I think that is possible now.

Tell him you've done it.

Then start very obviously researching jobs at the other end of the country. Tell him that if you're not going on the deeds to the house and the CT, then you will be leaving. You've always wanted to live in xx (insert name of fab town at least 300 miles away) and so you're starting the process. Oh yes, you will have the children with you, probably not immediately so he will have to take over carer's duties for his (HIS) child for 6 months or so while you get established. What does he mean, he can't? You did, you lost your career to do so - his turn. What does he mean, he won't be able to pay the mortgage? Um, why is that your concern? - he's already told you the house is nothing to do with you, right? Why should you care if it gets repossessed- you're looking after yourself now and you've got a long way to go to catch up, a job is the first thing, so it starts now. If you aren't going to have any stake in your home, then you're going to need to go off and fund one of your own!

BedraggledBlitz · 17/03/2019 13:56

You're not a fool. He is a cunt.

Similar happened to me. I paid day to day stuff like food, he paid bills. The deeds were in his name. When we split (due to his cheating) our son was 18 months. At first I was told i could stay, then started to get pressured to get out, he'd drop in whenever he fancied, made life so unpleasant I moved.

Perhaps go to citizens advice? I'm sure your DC are entitled to live in their home.

NotTheFordType · 17/03/2019 13:59

Oh christ, youre probably fucked.

I'd start invoicing him for everything.

ColeHawlins · 17/03/2019 14:03

I asked for him to leave the house for a week, so I can think about what I want to do.
He response was “This is my house, so you can go”. Then it hit me, I’m not on the deeds of the house,

How can you not realise it's not your house? To the extent of asking him to leave? I'm fascinated how people can sleepwalk into these things.

Anyway, it's a good thing when MNers share these experiences, so hopefully you'll earn some vulnerable women. I hope you get really good legal advice and wring something out of the horrible man.

Is he hoping to retain custody of any of the D.C., do you think?

Original poster
Redfronts · 17/03/2019 14:03

Yeah I can’t get another job. My job is a full time carer for our disabled son. I almost feel trapped now. I’m so shocked and hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redfronts · 17/03/2019 14:04

Colehawkins I guess it because you think you can trust your partner, until they drop a comment and it suddenly hits you in the face how vulnerable you actually are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redfronts · 17/03/2019 14:05

He’s only been to one of my son appts for his disability and has no idea how to care for him. So the court would never give them to him

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 17/03/2019 14:05

Maybe you need to think about specialist childcare (I know it's not easy), and getting him to contribute to the cost of that so that you can start to reclaim some earning potential.

He's got you over a barrel.

ColeHawlins · 17/03/2019 14:06

So the court would never give them to him

That's something.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/03/2019 14:08

Yeah I can’t get another job. My job is a full time carer for our disabled son.

You need to tell him that thanks to this revelation that you don't own your own home, you can no longer do this job and you are resigning from your job as carer for your JOINT SON.

You need to earn money for yourself now.

He needs to take on the care.

Put that to him and say 'It might be easier to put me on the deeds to the house'

category12 · 17/03/2019 14:16

What do you mean you're not on the council tax? Is he claiming single person discount?

user1479305498 · 17/03/2019 14:18

If I ever found myself single again I would not move in with anyone and contribute towards anything over and above food and utilities, without either a payment of £4000 to save in case of being booted out,my name on the deeds or name on a tenancy. You get wise to these things!! If they want payment towards rent or mortgage, then I want some level of security

Margot33 · 17/03/2019 14:25

Are you not married?

Mumblesoldbloke · 17/03/2019 14:26

Happened to friends of ours, they had 3 kids, he earns good money and bought the house in his name whilst she gave up a good job to bring up kids and went part time when in school to pay day to day costs. She left him and said she wanted half the equity but he refused. She sued him and eventually she settled for £60,000 as she could prove she paid cost of decorating and gardening etc.
We sided with her and he won’t talk to my wife anymore. I don’t see him much as I can’t believe a dad could treat his ex partner and kids so badly

coffeeismyspinach · 17/03/2019 14:26

You can see a solicitor, but unfortunately I think you're pretty screwed. He'll never marry you or put you on the papers and you cannot insist.

SO many people sleepwalk into this situation by not getting married and having kids, moving into someone else's house, jacking in work to be a SAHP. I've really hammered it home to my kids NOT to do this or settle for someone who won't get married if they want to, or give up an iota of their financial security for 'DP'.

I think you might be kind of trapped.

katseyes7 · 17/03/2019 14:27

l think that as you have children, and in effect have contributed to the family home, that that will make a difference legally. You need to get some advice, and soon. l hope all goes well in that respect for you.

My best friend is in a similar situation, although no children. Her partner works full time, she doesn't due to medical issues. Her ESA was stopped, she only got jobseekers for six months, so in effect, he 'keeps' her.
They've been engaged for about seven years, together for about 13, she keeps saying she won't marry him "until she loses weight" which she admits she's making no effort to do.
There's no mortgage on their house as he inherited a lot of money when his gran died and he was able to pay it off. He pays for everything and she keeps house/cooks/cleans/does the garden. He's a decent man, treats her nicely, and they seem very happy together.
However. What concerns me (as her friend) is that if things went pear shaped, she'd be up the creek without a paddle as everything's in his name. She did contribute to the household years ago when she was able to work, but has no evidence of that. l don't think it's occurred to her and l'm loath to point it out as l don't want to upset her. l imagine she'd say "oh, he wouldn't do that" but you never know, do you?

SciFiScream · 17/03/2019 14:28

Make up. Get married. Then divorce him
.
.
If only it was that simple. You need advice, lots of it and fast.

Singlenotsingle · 17/03/2019 14:31

If you aren't married and not on the deeds, you're no more than a lodger, OP. How did you not know this? He was obviously well aware of your situation. Really, in order to protect your future, you have to start working in paid employment otherwise no pension either. Angry

reallyanotherone · 17/03/2019 14:34

See a solicitor.

You may be in a stronger position than you think of you have given up your career to care for a disabled child. No court will leave you and the child homeless with no financial help.

See a solicitor. Find out what your claim on the house will be. You won’t have a claim as a spouse, but you may be able to claim long term provision for you and his son.

Once you have a better idea of what you may come out with, then you can decide on whether to progress with a split.

In the meantime. Don’t move out. Whatever you do.

coffeeismyspinach · 17/03/2019 14:35

l think that as you have children, and in effect have contributed to the family home, that that will make a difference legally.

No, it doesn't if you are not married. If she had contributed money it might make a difference legally, but there's no recognition in law of unmarried partners who jack in work to look after kids. He will have to pay child maintenance no matter what.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 17/03/2019 14:36

If you aren’t registered at the home is he claiming the single person discount? That’s fraud. And what happened when it came to electondv? Have you never voted?

There’s not a lot you can do about the house. I agree move out and let him sort childcare for a bit. You will be entitled to lots of financial help with a disabled child and the joy of not living with a twat.

GreenHouseKeeping · 17/03/2019 14:37

l think that as you have children, and in effect have contributed to the family home, that that will make a difference legally

No, it makes no difference at all. Only a contribution to the deposit, or purchase price (or paying for home improvements) would make a difference.

Contribution to (or even full payment of) monthly mortgage payments make no difference at all.

GreenHouseKeeping · 17/03/2019 14:38

x post Coffee

katseyes7 · 17/03/2019 14:40

My apologies! l was under the misapprehension that if someone in effect 'ran' the family home and looked after the children, it counted as a 'contribution'. (l was married, but my ex husband and l had no children, so l've never been in that situation).