Actually shocked at what an idiot I am...

[Redfronts]

DP and I haven’t been getting along, so today I asked for him to leave the house for a week, so I can think about what I want to do.
He response was “This is my house, so you can go”. Then it hit me, I’m not on the deeds of the house, so I questioned him about it, and now find out he hasn’t put me on the council tax either.
That means that if we separated I would walk away with nothing.
Been together 15 yrs and have 3 kids. Also, keeps promising to get married and we never do.
I’ve been a complete fool and I’m so angry with myself.
I insisted I wanted my name on the house immediately. He said “start paying half the mortgage and you can” knowing that’s not possible as I’m a full time carer for our disabled son.

Woah! If ever there was a reason to get married before having kids with a man!

You need to get your name on those deeds ASAP.

I can never understand why women put themselves in this incredibly vulnerable position of having children with a man, spending many years with him, usually putting her career on the backburner, but are not married to him.

I would never have children with a man I was not married to. And I would strongly recommend to any daughter, niece, or any other young female I know to follow suit. If my daughter said she was having children without being married, I would be VERY upset. Not that I am stuffy or old fashioned, but because it's a crazy idea.

Not helpful sorry, but the kind of thing happening to the OP, illustrates how getting married is VERY important BEFORE you have children with a man.

Good luck to you OP, but as a pp said, you are no more than a lodger right now, with no more rights.

I can never understand why women put themselves in this incredibly vulnerable position of having children with a man, spending many years with him, usually putting her career on the backburner, but are not married to him

Whenever I have politely suggested this is is a bad idea on MN, I have had my arse handed to me as this view belongs in the 1950s, apparently

I would never have children with a man I was not married to. And I would strongly recommend to any daughter, niece, or any other young female I know to follow suit. If my daughter said she was having children without being married, I would be VERY upset. Not that I am stuffy or old fashioned, but because it's a crazy idea

Except if the woman is the one with the house/good job etc. Then marriage gives him rights the same as it would vice versa.

I own my house in my sole name, and had significant savings/pensions etc. Marriage has weakened my financial status as in it has given dh the right to 50% of my property.

Especially as we had children and then i cut my hours- so now i have less earning potential/pension and would have to buy dh out of my own house if we divorced.

I was also told i needed to get married “for protection”. Should have looked into it more, but had no idea of divorce law at the time.

This is so depressing and infuriating. So many women still do this. I don’t get it. Why do women not protect themselves?

This needs to be taught in schools. So many truly unknowing women on here who buy into the 'it's only a piece of paper' and 'we don't need marriage to prove our love for each other' nonsense. I see it on thread after thread in Relationships and AIBU.

Marriage was never about love. It was always about the legalities concerning children, property and assets.

See a solicitor and register an interest in the house - I think that is possible now

It has been for years. You can stop him selling the house without your permission but as you aren't married it won't achieve very much.

Nothing wrong with having kids and living with someone provided you are either on the deeds,or on the tenancy and understand they don’t have to pay ‘you’ personally anything at all ,only for the children and good luck with that too in some cases!!

If a woman earns less than a man and has taken time off work or gone part-time to look after children she is ALWAYS better off if she's married.

OP, I would seek legal advice, as others have said. You don't have any rights to the house or his pension or anything at the moment.

OP I am sorry you are in this situation.

But I don't understand how this came as a shock to you. You tried to kick him out and didn't know until then, that it wasnt your house as well?

You can register interest in the house. But it's a lengthy and costly process that has no guarantee of being successful

Can you afford the money and time it will take? He may ask you to leave the minute you register interest.

Agree haffiana.

Whenever I have politely suggested this is is a bad idea on MN, I have had my arse handed to me as this view belongs in the 1950s, apparently hmm - I'm really surprised. Every post I've ever seen on MN focussed on the woman getting LEGAL protection for herself (ie - Get married - it's not just a big party and nice dress!) and for any kids.

Stopping work to 'raise the kids' and denying yourself a paying career to enable his = V Bad Idea. All round.

Get married, or get proper legal protection for when/if things go sour. And DO NOT imagine that they won't.

" Marriage has weakened my financial status as in it has given dh the right to 50% of my property."

exactly why this should be taught in schools - situations vary.

I don't know what happens when you get married, but it seems bizarre you can enter into a legal agreement without the checks in place that you have even when you buy property or shares or whatever....stuff that in theory, you should read and understand before you sign.

sorry OP I don't know what your exact situation would be but you need legal advice fast. Maybe ask for this to be transferred to the Legal Matters board?

Also wondering what he's doing about Council Tax and Voter Registration. Have you not voted OP?

So many people think they can trust others, especially partners. If this were so, there would be no need for contracts. Marriage is a contract. I'm always amazed that more people don't understand this.

He holds all the cards currently, so it's likely to be tough going. But a twat is a twat.

Not sure on the legalities but if you have cohabited for more than 5 years and have a child together I think you're entitled to something even if you're not married?

I could be wrong but I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before.

You will be entitled to lots of financial help with a disabled child and the joy of not living with a twat.

Sadly, that's largely untrue now, too. All new benefits claims are UC now. There is a minimum 5 week wait for any funds and possibly longer and the provisions are far less generous. In addition, many councils no longer have much stock left and homeless families often face long stretches in B&Bs and then crap private lets that will take their UC.

It isn't much but at least you now know he's an evil horrible man

If he is kicking you and your child out and making you homeless I would be singing this from the fucking rooftops

EVERYONE would know , including his employer

Do seek legal advice and at least get child maintenance in place

And learn this lesson - it's an invaluable one to learn

If a woman earns less than a man and has taken time off work or gone part-time to look after children she is ALWAYS better off if she's married

Nope, not for me. Read my earlier post.

Not sure on the legalities but if you have cohabited for more than 5 years and have a child together I think you're entitled to something even if you're not married?

Nope. There is NO recognition of cohabitating couples who are not married or civil partners. The child is entitled to maintenance. The court will see financial provision for the children as the responsibility of both parents.

People REALLY need to realise that by living with someone, having children and making yourself financially dependent on him/her that you are making yourself very vulnerable.

Can we stop with the judgements please? Its like with abused wives and asking 'Oh why didn't she leave him?' instead of 'why did this man think it was okay to beat his wife?' Why is it the woman who is always blamed and questioned, even when she is the victim? Why not, in this case, ask 'why do so many men treat their partners like they are disposable and worthless?'

Most of us operate on the assumption of trust in many types of relationships. When you think you are in an equal and loving relationship it is easy to see how people cannot foreshadow the complete character change that some men seem to go through at a relationships end. It's hard to imagine that someone who loved and cared for you can regard you as rubbish to be thrown away without a second thought.

Life has taught me to trust nae yin. But I prefectly understand why others, who have had different lives so far, do trust. I don't think they are fools. But I do think the partners who shit on them are arseholes.

@Redfronts you could probably get on the housing list and be high priority with not owning the home...

He hasn't even bothered to include you on the council tax list? It's almost as if you don't official exist, other than to provide him with free domestic care/childcare/sex.

I'd be dobbing him in about the council tax. He'll get in real trouble for that.

It's odd that he's got away with it come to think of it. Are you in receipt of any of the benefits in your name? Child allowance/Carers allowance/Tax Credits. Normally that would flag up when applying for a single persons discount.

Threads like this should be stickied on top of the Relationships forum.

OP, you’re not in a good position. Think your only options are-

1. Make up with him and keep quiet until you get your name on the deeds and then decide what you want to do. I’d imagine that could take several years, if he ever agreed.
2. Decide to split and start discussing it with him to see if he’ll be willing to offer you something. Again, unlikely.

Fraudulently claiming single person ct rate?? Report him.

Surely that's council tax fraud? Or am I missing something?
You have to declare to council tax how many adults etc. Live in a property, not just whose name(s) are on the deeds. Also, do you claim anything else jointly (child benefit? DLA for your son?) or have any joint bills?

There must be some financial merging after 15years and 3 kids surely? Doesn't all your post get sent there?

I would be seeking legal advice, separating from him and making a homelessness application to the local council. I would not be staying, no way.