partner is telling me to choose between her and my mother

[Tuvalumajuro]

This is the first time I feel the need to post on a forum, I feel so hopeless.

When I came out to my parents 12 years ago, they kicked me out. I went to live with my girlfriend's family. They were so good to me. I stayed 4 years without talking to my parents, but all of a sudden my mother called me one day. My father passed away, and she told me she regretted what she has done to me because I am the only family she has left. I started seeing her regularly. She demanded that I never mention my girlfriend or my " lesbian life style". She never wanted to meet my partner. My very understanding girlfriend told me it was fine, that I could go visit my mother without her.

8 years later, she still hasn't met her. I visit my mother 1 to 2 times per month ( She lives 2 hours away). So the troubles started when my mother asked me to go to Greece with her , for 2 weeks. I said yes. Because if I say No to my mother, or contradict her, she ignores me for days or even weeks.

But my partner really got upset, saying how I have been prioritising my mother over her , who loves me and supported me all those years. She is fine with monthly visits, but does not want to me to be away for 2 weeks. If I go to Greece, she will leave me.

What should I do ? I feel so desperate

Can the trip, listen to your partner and rethink what you're willing to do for the woman who abandoned you for 4 years (only contacting you once she was lonely), won't let you talk about your life and ignores you when you upset her. Fork that, that's not a mother, that's a burden. Your poor poor partner, what has she done to deserve to be put on the back bench for a woman who hasn't met her in a decade!?!?!?

I don’t think you should go on the holiday.

You have to tell your mum either she accepts you for who you are, and that means embracing your partner, or you have to accept she’s not worthy of your time and love.

I think your partner deserves to come first.

Hi OP. I was in a similar position to you a few years ago. Please put your girlfriend first. My homophobic parents rejected me, and us, in the ways you described. My partner was kind and understanding, but her patience wore thin after a year or so. Then my dad died, and my mum got more demanding with her ultimatums, rudeness, and cruelty. Things came to a head and I went NC with her for six months, after she had behaved intolerably to both my partner and to me. I had some therapy, and it and the break from having to deal with my mum brought valuable perspective about how manipulated and controlled by my mother’s ostentatious disapproval I had been, and how badly I had treated my partner in seeking to placate her. Don’t make my mistake. After a few months silence, my mum was curiously desperate to have my emotional support back again, and to accept my lovely and generous girlfriend. Once she realised her appalling behaviour wouldn’t result in having me to herself, without my inconvenient ‘lesbian lifestyle’ embarrassing her in front of the neighbours, she changed her tune with startling rapidity. I have a hunch your mother will do the same. On no account should you pander any further to her by going on this break to Greece, if you value your partner’s love and support, and want your relationship to continue. Let her sulk. You’ll be amazed at how freeing it is—and she will be eager to accept you and your partner once she has a taste of the alternative. A lesbian daughter is a whole lot better than no daughter at all. Strength and courage to you!

You are allowing your mother to call all the shots. I'm not sure that your Mum regrets her actions, because her stance since your reconciliation has been no different.

I think your partner has been incredibly tolerant of this situation for far too long. Its time to put her first now. Your mother needs to understand that you have a life with your partner, meet her and start making up for lost time with you both.

I think your girlfriend has been incredibly reasonable. She has encouraged you to visit a woman who utterly blanks her and refuses to even hear some word about her place in your life.

All she asks is you don't go away for 2 weeks on a holiday with this woman. I don't blame her.

she told me she regretted what she has done to me because I am the only family she has left.

So she realised her husband was gone and the only one she could have help her was her daughter. Basically she decided your use to her overrided her wish to punish you for being gay. But only just - not enough to welcome your authentic self or the woman you love. Just enough to allow you to run around after her.

Because if I say No to my mother, or contradict her, she ignores me for days or even weeks.

This isn't a healthy relationship. I strongly suspect your mother asked you to go on holidays with her hoping to cause a fight with your girlfriend and force you to choose - probably in her ideal world you are without a relationship so she doesn't have to face the gay stuff and you are more available to help her.

You might well be much happier with only minimal contact with your mother. your girlfriend has been very forebearing and reasonable. She is probably very worried about the toxic nature of this relationship with your mother.

Did you agree to the holiday before discussing it with your partner? Where’s the money coming from? Will it be your main holiday?
Gay or otherwise partners don’t do this to one another

Your mother wants it all on her terms, doesn't she? Chucked you but when she found out about your sexuality. Then regretted it when she got lonely and re-established contact on her conditions. If must be quite hurtful to your gf that in all these years she's never met your dm! It's time to show a bit of loyalty and solidarity to the gf, OP. Can't your dm find a friend to go on holiday with (or hasn't she got any?)

Normally I'd say you an the person giving you an ultimatum but not this time.

Your Mom has chosen to ignore all the parts of you that make you you, that make you happy and loved, because she thinks it's wrong for you to love a woman.

If you don't play her way, she won't play at all.

Now you intend to go away for two weeks, where you will have to play as your mother's appropriate straight daughter, covertly texting your partner when she isn't looking. Minding what you say and how you edit any stories.

I know you don't want to lose your Mom but if she can't accept you for you, what even is this relationship you have?

I think you need to tell her no to the holiday, you've looked at it and you can't afford it time/money wise and a holiday with your partner so unless she's able to come too it won't work.

What a final kick in the teeth for your DP. You may allow your DM to make a mug out of you, and your DP. But you can hardly expect your DP to stand back and watch while she does it.

Your mum sounds like she does not accept who you are at all. I don't think that's healthy at all, to carry on in denial and intolerance of how you live. I completely understand you wanting a relationship with her, but it's not a real relationship if she doesn't accept you for who you are.
But I do think that's your decision to make.

I also don't think it's right for a partner to threaten to leave you because you choose to go on holiday with her. How is the holiday impacting your partner ? Can you both afford it ? Is she against it purely on the basis of your mother not accepting her and your relationship ?

She demanded that I never mention my girlfriend or my " lesbian life style". She never wanted to meet my partner.

That would have been enough for me to end contact with her. That's awful. She is controlling and you enable her. She doesn't like or accept you and is censoring your own life. Fuck that. Nobody is worth that. Not being allowed to mention your partner of many years? Why are you allowing her to do this to you?

I wouldn't go on holiday with someone out of fear for their reaction if you don't. That's a really unhealthy dynamic. Your gf has a point.

Your mother is using you so she's not alone, she didn't give a shit about you when your father was alive. She's happy to use you as company now because she has you pretending you are someone you are not. If I were your partner I would be very hurt. Tell your mother to stick her holiday and stop the visits. She is a homophobic, using, manipulative cow, she deserves to be alone

Read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.
And choose your girlfriend.
(I'm sorry your mother is so awful, btw.)

dont go on the holiday. your mother wants you around as she has no one else and is blanking you when you don't do what she wants to control you.

she regretted what she has done to me because I am the only family she has left.

She doesn't regret her behaviour. She just doesn't want to be alone so you're the only option. That's horrible. Your partner loves you for who you are. Stick with her.

Your mother sounds toxic and selfish.

I agree with your partner I’m afraid. I would cancel the trip and consider stopping contact with your mother.

Your mother ignored you for 4 years. In that time you were fine, taken cared of and loved. You survived and hopefully flourished. Now a few years older, I imagine you’re self sufficient and very much an adult woman. Your mother is also an adult woman. You are her equal and should expect to be treated as such.

It sounds as though your partner is pretty desperate. I also don’t like ultimatums but understand this one. If you go with your mother, you will be complicit in allowing her to ruin your life.

If you love your girl and you want to continue loving her, you must prioritise her.

Keep your mum to once a month, and set her a deadline for meeting your partner, ‘mum, I am glad we have reconciled, but it’s time you learned to accept me for who I really am, and that includes accepting my partner. I realise this isn’t something you wanted, so I’m happy to give you x time to get used to the idea. I will bring some photos to my next visit and I expect you to meet her by x time. We are a small family and she is part of it too.’

Then stick to it.

I agree with your partner.

Love should be unconditional and it is from your partner but not from your mother. If prioritise your partner as she has loved you and been there for you no matter what.

@carriemeeber Thank you very much for your message

@Kaleela Yes, my partner has been very understanding. Her family has accepted me, and she has seen how sad I was to have my parents denying me. She encouraged me to see my mum, but now she's getting tired of it.

@GreenTulips My mother booked the holidays, prior telling me. She then give to me as a present for my 32nd birthday. I told her I wasn't sure I could make it. She started mentioning how she spent so much money to please. So if I don't go, she would have wasted money.

She doesn't regret it one bit. She is just using you. If your DF was still alive or she had someone else to entertain her, she wouldn't be giving you the time of day. Your DP of 12 years has your back so have hers as well.

@Tigger001 My partner is mad because that holidays in Greece is when she will be off work on vacation too and she wants to plan something with me.

An appropriate present would have been to send you and your partner on holiday. But you don't have a partner according to your DM's warped sense of reality.