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Original poster

partner is telling me to choose between her and my mother

122 replies

Tuvalumajuro · 16/03/2019 22:45

This is the first time I feel the need to post on a forum, I feel so hopeless.

When I came out to my parents 12 years ago, they kicked me out. I went to live with my girlfriend's family. They were so good to me. I stayed 4 years without talking to my parents, but all of a sudden my mother called me one day. My father passed away, and she told me she regretted what she has done to me because I am the only family she has left. I started seeing her regularly. She demanded that I never mention my girlfriend or my " lesbian life style". She never wanted to meet my partner. My very understanding girlfriend told me it was fine, that I could go visit my mother without her.

8 years later, she still hasn't met her. I visit my mother 1 to 2 times per month ( She lives 2 hours away). So the troubles started when my mother asked me to go to Greece with her , for 2 weeks. I said yes. Because if I say No to my mother, or contradict her, she ignores me for days or even weeks.

But my partner really got upset, saying how I have been prioritising my mother over her , who loves me and supported me all those years. She is fine with monthly visits, but does not want to me to be away for 2 weeks. If I go to Greece, she will leave me.

What should I do ? I feel so desperate

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 17/03/2019 00:02

This silly nonsense with your mother needs to stop, she either accepts your partner or you say to your mother you will either go nc or limited contact but your first priority is your partner.

She needs to understand that she is no longer top of the pecking order for your attention and you must not enable her to threaten and bully you by going silent everytime you upset her.

I would definitely not go on holiday with her as this will be the start of many holidays she will request your attendance which is unfair on your partner and your mother needs to understand that you are a package and you will in future not deny her existence because it upsets your mother.

BMW6 · 17/03/2019 00:06

Well if your Mother really really wanted to make amends for her appalling behaviour why isn;t the holiday for you and your partner, not her and you?

She's manipulating you OP and its sad that you can't see it. Tell Mum you don't want to go without your GF.

wafflyversatile · 17/03/2019 00:07

Regardless of having a partner or not, pandering to your mum because she'll punish you by ignoring you if you don't is not healthy.

You already know the answer to this. Your mum wants a holiday and company. She didnt buy this for you but for her. She's not willing to acknowledge your partner. Your partner has stood by you all this time.

Your mum needs you more than you need her. You have more power in this relationship than you think.

Tigger001 · 17/03/2019 00:07

@Tuvalumajuro in that case I'm afraid your mother would have to be told you can't go on holiday. You partner who has supported you, should come 1st in this instance.

PickAChew · 17/03/2019 00:09

You didn't ask your mother to spend that money.

ScarletBitch · 17/03/2019 00:10

You need to get a backbone and tell your mum to behave, respect your life, your partner or you will go back to having no relationship with her. You also need to tell your DG the same.

Sakura7 · 17/03/2019 00:15

Your mother has manipulated you for years. Your girlfriend sees it but you don't (this is not unusual, it's called being in the fog). Whether you realise it or not, you're still seeking your mother's love and approval, and she's putting conditions on it. These are not the actions of a loving parent.

She knew full well that booking a 2 week holiday without telling you was going to cause a problem for your relationship. That's why she did it!

The best thing you can do is tell her that it's not appropriate to book you onto a holiday without telling you, as you're an adult with your own life and responsibilities, and you can't just drop everything to suit someone else's schedule. Then you can tell her that you want her to meet your girlfriend and to be welcoming of her. If she won't accept you fully for who you are, there's no benefit in having a relationship with her. In fact, it would be damaging to you.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/03/2019 00:20

So why didn't your Mum ASK you whe. You were free? Why didn't she treat you like a grown up within a committed relationship who has other comments?

Oh yes, because we don't talk about your "degeneracy", your "lesbian lifestyle", your shame that you bring on her. You're just a single woman house sharing with some wan not worthy of your Mum's time.

carriemeeber · 17/03/2019 00:23

Yes, I agree with Sakura. Your mum wants you to be the biddable single daughter she’s pretending you are. She’s booked this holiday without telling you to ratchet up the tensions between you and your partner. She knows this will escalate a very uneasy situation by forcing you to choose, and she’s hoping she has you under sufficient control to choose her. Tell her no. And be clear that from now on she accepts you fully or loses you. She will back down. As a previous poster has said, she needs you more than you need her. It isn’t ‘nice’ to think like that about a parent, but she has pushed you into it.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/03/2019 00:23

And when your DP splits up with you over this final straw... Guess what, your DM will have got exactly what she wants. You all to herself. Creepy behaviour, can you not see that?

eyeczawikaivov · 17/03/2019 00:29

Your partner is right.

Keeping basic communication and occasional visits with your homophobic mother is one thing. It's duty as much as anything else, and is to some extent for your own benefit too as going no-contact with awful family can be tough. Going on a 2 week holiday is an entirely different level. If you were serious about your relationship with your partner you wouldn't want to do it.

Mememeplease · 17/03/2019 00:32

Your gf has been understanding enough all these years. Two two hour visits per month is a big chunk out of your weekends.

I'm not surprised she said no to almost 50% of your holiday allowance too.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 17/03/2019 00:33

Your mother told you the only reason she regretted her behaviour towards you when you came out was that she was now alone due to your father dying - i.e. it was all about her and nothing to do with her re-evaluating how she'd treated you.

I think that's all you need to know.

Omzlas · 17/03/2019 00:37

"My way or the highway" is your mother's motto

Personally, I'd be taking the highway. She's lost all her family bar you, she's desperate but she's still controlling. I'd go NC and concentrate on your incredibly understanding partner and be happy. You don't need shit like that in your life.

BettyDuMonde · 17/03/2019 00:37

Pretty certain 2 weeks on a beach with a homophobe will be an actual fucking nightmare for you anyway!

Kaddm · 17/03/2019 00:40

Your mother has behaved like a manipulative monster and is trying to split you up.

It was outrageous to badge this holiday as a “birthday present” so she could book it without asking you, deliberately exclude your partner and separate you. You would be mad to go on this holiday. You partner is your family, annual leave should be spent together and I am not surprised she has said she’ll leave you if you go. Your mum is a cow and her attempts to split you up are starting to work. Imo you should apologise to your partner. I wouldn’t personally berate you for this because you have been manipulated.

SusieOwl4 · 17/03/2019 00:44

I feel for you because you can see what will happen. The whole guilt trip about buying it for your birthday and how ungrateful you are. Here is an idea. Sit down and apologise to your partner because she has been amazing in her tolerance. Ask her if you can go for1 week and on the last day you have a long chat with your mother and say you want both of them in your life , but enough is enough and she must accept your partner and your life or unfortunately you must reduce contact , a lot .Then you have to face up to her reaction . You mother will then have a week in Greece to think about your decision.

SandyY2K · 17/03/2019 01:00

Yep. Your mum just doesn't want to be alone as she gets old.

Telling you to never mention your GF is not accepting you for who you are.

2 weeks away, without checking you were free and available was wrong.

Does she have your passport number? As you need it to book flights. If she doesn't have it, she can't have booked it fully.

I would tell your mum, you aren't going. If she loses the money...tough.

If she decides to ignore you...block her.

HappyLife21 · 17/03/2019 01:10

Don’t go.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 17/03/2019 01:24

She has disrespected your partner for years and you continue to allow it.

OP, don’t be a fool. You will go to avoid your mother wasting the money and lose your partner (rightly) for that?

How much is your relationship? I bet more than the holiday, in any case your mother should have asked, at 32 she cannot asume you will just jump when she asks you to. Could you imagine how your life would be without your partner and your mum having you all for herself? Stop letting your mother to call the shots, it is not worth it, she had not changed.

Userplusnumbers · 17/03/2019 01:36

OP, you need to think long and hard about this.

Why are you so invested in having a relationship with a woman who refuses to acknowledge who you are, who you love, and the person you are. You're better than that, your GF knows it, and she's giving you the push you need.

Stop giving your mother power, and take it back for yourself.

S0medayAga1n · 17/03/2019 02:48

Your DM has disrespected you & your partner by not checking if you were available to go with her on the holiday. Secondly, 2 weeks is a lot of holiday to take with a relative, when you have a partner who is not invited. Your DM has crossed a boundary. Secondly, do you need to visit your DM twice a month, what about once a month ?

HedgerowTree · 17/03/2019 04:18

Why the fuck would you even be considering spending 2 weeks with this horrible woman?
Please choose your partner and tell your mother that she meets your partner or that’s it, NC. She knew exactly what she was doing booking the 2 weeks your partner had off.

She thinks she’ll convince you to leave your partner in that time.

CanuckBC · 17/03/2019 04:37

No, your mother has not changed in any way shape or form. She just got lonely as her husband died. She realized you were her last hope.

Your partner should be your priority at this point. She will be with you hopefully longer then your bigoted mother.

Your mom needs to learn you are a package deal. You need to learn that your relationship with your mother isn’t healthy. Her ghosting you for weeks and months due to whatever has pissed her off is not healthy or normal. Time to call her on it. Let her do it and ignore it.

cherryblossomgin · 17/03/2019 04:45

Why not give your mum the the choice of bringing your partner or not going with her?