partner is telling me to choose between her and my mother

[Tuvalumajuro]

This is the first time I feel the need to post on a forum, I feel so hopeless.

When I came out to my parents 12 years ago, they kicked me out. I went to live with my girlfriend's family. They were so good to me. I stayed 4 years without talking to my parents, but all of a sudden my mother called me one day. My father passed away, and she told me she regretted what she has done to me because I am the only family she has left. I started seeing her regularly. She demanded that I never mention my girlfriend or my " lesbian life style". She never wanted to meet my partner. My very understanding girlfriend told me it was fine, that I could go visit my mother without her.

8 years later, she still hasn't met her. I visit my mother 1 to 2 times per month ( She lives 2 hours away). So the troubles started when my mother asked me to go to Greece with her , for 2 weeks. I said yes. Because if I say No to my mother, or contradict her, she ignores me for days or even weeks.

But my partner really got upset, saying how I have been prioritising my mother over her , who loves me and supported me all those years. She is fine with monthly visits, but does not want to me to be away for 2 weeks. If I go to Greece, she will leave me.

What should I do ? I feel so desperate

Do not go on the holiday! Your mother sounds incredibly manipulative. Get some counselling and enjoy your life with your partner. Go on holiday with her.

I sincerely hope you take heed of what the other respondents have written here. Your loyalty here is to your girlfriend, not your mother.

Like so many adult children of toxic and otherwise controlling parents you are mired in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and seek her approval even now you are an adult yourself. Your mother furthermore emotionally abuses you with silent treatment on any and all occasions you do not comply with her demands.

This two week holiday to Greece was booked for your mother's own purposes and was not done to improve your relationship. You and she have no relationship really. She wants you to be her own version of what you should be like i.e. straight and to be her constant companion now her husband has died. She will never accept your sexuality and your parents threw you out when you came out. Those were not the actions of nice or kind parents either.

People like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Why would you want your mother in your life at all given her past actions for which she is not sorry. She has not fundamentally changed since your own childhood and your late father enabled her too.

Your partner is right.

Your mother only wants a relation in so far as she wants to have her needs met.

It’s not generally normal to book a holiday for someone as a gift and not discuss it.

I am the only family she has left. I started seeing her regularly. She demanded that I never mention my girlfriend or my " lesbian life style".
This is NOT how you treat family...

Tell the old trout that her money isn’t wasted - you’ll buy the holiday off her, take your long term wonderfully supportive girlfriend away with you and have lots of LESBIAN sex every single day. Be sure to ask your disgrace of a ‘mother’ whether it’s a twin or double room booked, as you’ll need a double with your GIRLFRIEND.

Just cut this mean, manipulative bitch out of your life. You’d be better off spending the 1-2x a month visits with a counsellor to help you do that.

Your gf is amazing. You are treating her quite badly.

Tell your mum No.

You must be feeling terrible OP and really trapped. Is what your GF saying an ultimatum or is she trying to protect you? Oh and your mum does not sound very nice - it is probably not great for your confidence. You may feel better taking a stand and stepping away from her. Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry Op
Your mum is toxic don't let her keep dragging you down x

I think you've posted about this before? Your partner has been incredibly patient and understanding but you're taking the piss now. Choose your partner.

she told me she regretted what she has done to me

This statement above is not true. I know this because it is followed by

She demanded that I never mention my girlfriend or my " lesbian life style". She never wanted to meet my partner.

Being repentant for her utterly unreasonable actions would mean being accepting of who you are. She clearly has no regrets as she has made no moves to make it up to you in any way that I can see. It's all about her.

She's lonely and you are expected to visit and to pretend to be the straight daughter she clearly still wants. She's made the minimum effort possible to manipulate you into doing that.

I'd put money on her never saying either "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong" because she doesn't believe she was.

Your girlfriend has been beyond understanding. Her family have taken you in, they lived with you and I imagine love you.

Meanwhile your mother has refused to even allow your partners name to be uttered in her home. Despite this shun she has graciously accepted you spending two days a month with her.

Assuming you have 4 weekends a month then 2 days of that is a quarter of your time together.

That's a lot of time for you to be spending with someone who refuses to acknowledge your partner and your life choices. Many partners would be upset that their time as a couple is so heavily eaten into by someone who actively despises them.

The holiday is next level unreasonable. It's half to two thirds of your years holiday time. Your mother has booked and paid for it so she can manipulate you into going and monopolise your free time.

She's upping the ante and trying to cause problems. She wants you single so she can better pretend you are straight.

Don't go.

A reasonable person doesn't book a holiday without asking if the other person can and wants to go. Also it will be hell as Your mother isn't a nice person.

I imagine it will break your relationship with her regardless but if you go then you will likely also lose the one person who has always stuck by you despite being treated appallingly by your mother. I'm not one for ultimatums but in this case your mother has stepped so far over the line that she can't even see the line.

What you don't realise is that your mum probably needs you more than you need her.
If you stand up to her and insist that your gf is part of your relationship, then after the initial ghosting etc to try to manipulate you, if you stand firm she will realise that she'll have no one in her life if she lets you go.

You'll either reset your relationship with healthier boundaries
Or
If she's prepared to cut her own nose off to spite her face, then her anti lesbian feelings are so strong that she hates an integral part of you. She doesn't love you enough so she doesn't deserve you. Concentrate on the relationship where you are valued and loved for yourself, with your gf.

Don’t go!
I’m not sure that I would be able to forgive Dh if he went away with someone who denied our marriage.
It’s not just about prioritising your Dp (although, that is kind of important!) Your mother is demanding too much from you.
I bet even if you were heterosexual she would still be a wanker to you!

Your wife is a fucking saint to be honest. 12 years and your mother won't meet her or hear about her and you trot off twice a month to see her? She sounds amazing.
You absolutely can't go on this holiday. If your mum punishes you then so be it.

if I say No to my mother, or contradict her, she ignores me for days or even weeks. - sounds as though it might be a bit of a relief!

She is being manipulative - she does not accept you as you are and will not have your sexual orientation or your partner mentioned in front of her; but she would like to use you for company on a holiday. All entirely unreasonable.

Do not go on this holiday or you will perpetuate the manipulation. If she moans about the money then tell her to fond someone else to go with.

Sh is happy to have "won" on the issue of your visits without your partner; do not provide her with the crowning glory of whisking you away while you could be on hols with your partner. Tell Mother you are happy to come if partner is included, but otherwise it's a big NO.

I wouldn't go.
Your partner has been far more understanding than most would be, but it sounds like she has reached the end of her tolerance. Don't let your mother guilt you into any more actions that will hurt her.
If you are the "only family she has left" then she will need to decide if she loves you as you are , and accepts your partner - or she can sit alone and moulder with her homophobia as company.

OP, I'm only going to repeat what others have said, but I feel compelled because this is SO important. Do not lose your wonderful, supportive partner over this. Your mother does NOT regret her actions, or she wouldn't still ban you from talking about your "lifestyle" and refusing to acknowledge the woman you love.

I should imagine that all this is hard to hear op.
Do read about fog.

I really hope you're listening OP. You should read up on the FOG and the effects of having toxic parents. You're letting your mother destroy your relationship. It's time to stop caring about her validation and start standing up for your girlfriend.

Your mother is trying to drive a wedge between you and your partner. If I were your partner, I'd be devastated.

Time to tell your mother she accepts your partner or she's out of your life.

Your partner does not deserve this. She has had your back all these years whilst your parents were denying your very existence. Now that your mam is alone she has decided that it would be handy to have you around but only on her terms. Don't let her come between you and your partner and call her up on the holiday I.e. why would I go with you for 2 weeks when I only get 4 weeks a year. When do you think me and xxx will get to go on holiday.

Well, you have a simple choice, don't you?

1: Appease your mother, the women who deinies who you are. Go with your mother, become her carer in her older age. Be lonely and alone in your own

2: Step back and think abuot who you really are and why you might want to appease your mother at such a cost toy yourself? Fear, obligation, guilt? Then stay with the family who love you for who you are.

Do you think that if your mother had any other family she would have come back to have a relationship with you?

OP that holiday isn't really a present. It is your mother's way of separating you from your partner.

It is a step up in the game to get you back under her control.

This Greek holiday is a Trojan horse!

Choose your DP, your mother is using you.

Your mum has decided it is time you got divorced and stopped this lesbian nonsense completely.

Divorce your mum not your wife.

Maybe just re-write Renton a bit

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.^

Choose your future.

Choose life.