partner is telling me to choose between her and my mother

[Tuvalumajuro]

This is the first time I feel the need to post on a forum, I feel so hopeless.

When I came out to my parents 12 years ago, they kicked me out. I went to live with my girlfriend's family. They were so good to me. I stayed 4 years without talking to my parents, but all of a sudden my mother called me one day. My father passed away, and she told me she regretted what she has done to me because I am the only family she has left. I started seeing her regularly. She demanded that I never mention my girlfriend or my " lesbian life style". She never wanted to meet my partner. My very understanding girlfriend told me it was fine, that I could go visit my mother without her.

8 years later, she still hasn't met her. I visit my mother 1 to 2 times per month ( She lives 2 hours away). So the troubles started when my mother asked me to go to Greece with her , for 2 weeks. I said yes. Because if I say No to my mother, or contradict her, she ignores me for days or even weeks.

But my partner really got upset, saying how I have been prioritising my mother over her , who loves me and supported me all those years. She is fine with monthly visits, but does not want to me to be away for 2 weeks. If I go to Greece, she will leave me.

What should I do ? I feel so desperate

OP what so you think about the way your mother makes you pretend a huge part of your life doesn't exist? How well does she know you and what is she prepared to do for you? How much love and support do you feel your mother gives you? How much joy and kindness does she bring into your life?

I'm wondering how you have let this go on for 8 years. It just doesn't seem like any sort of a relationship to want with someone.

Lesbian lifestyle. An expression that has always intrigued me. What does it mean? Does love feel different because your loved one is the same sex? I sincerely doubt it! Do lesbians perhaps dance naked in the moonlight, sacrifice goats and have orgies? If so, actually thinking about it, minus goat sacrifice, sounds like fun! As far as I know or have experienced, the boring truth is that gay couples are simply very much like heterosexual couples in how they live their lives, they simply happen to be the same sex.

When your mum complains about the money she spent tell her you’ll buy her ticket off her (yours being a present, right?) and pay for the namechange to your GF’s so mother isn’t out of pocket.

I think you have the title wrong. Your girlfriend isn't making you chose between her and your mother.

Your mother is making you chose between having a relationship with her and actually being who you are.

It must be so hurtful for your DP that you effectively have to deny your relationship with her. If my DH had to do that with his mother because she didn't approve of me, I am not sure I could be as selfless and supportive as your DP has been.

You deserve for the people around you to love all of you, not just the bits which fit in their ideology. If your mum was really sorry, why does she continue to only give you conditional love?

Your DP sounds amazing and it really isn't worth hurting her to pursue what sounds like a fairly toxic, controlling relationship with your DM.

So are you prepared to throw away your 12 year relationship for a two week holiday in Greece?

i understand that instinctive deep down yearning and need to always have a mothers lovely.its a basic right of the human emotional wellbeing.we all want to be loved and accepted.
but the difference is here to me is that she hasn't accepted you.she isn't loving you.shes alone.she needs someone.
and she hasn't wanted you shes wanted the daughter in her mind.no lesbian.no partner.this made up version of you that she finds tolerable to make her life nicer.
but that isn't you and its pissing all over every fibre of who you are.and who you should love to be.there IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AND BEING GAY AND HAVING A LOVING SAME SEX PARTNER.This is how you need to start thinking so its ur mother who is wrong.and asking you to be someone different to be with her is awful awful behaviour.no mothe would do that.noone that love you.
again she booked the hoiday for the both of you....or so she could go on holiday and not be alone.youll still be preteninf to be this "other" person when your there with her.
and then you have someone who has protected you.who has loved you for all you are.has accepted and even put up with the rules set to her which shouldn't have happened in the first place.the world where she doesn't exist.and isn't accepted.and she has done that all for you.so who do you owe your loyalty and love to here.

go on holiday with your partner.
tell your mum
how would you feel about doing that.either you love me for me or you then decide whether im acceptable to have in ur life.if not I have family I have partner people who love me.who wil you have if you don't accept people for who they are...?let her go and decide.

You need to ditch your abusive mother.

Your mum is manipulating you and her love is conditional and a bit warped.

Choose your future, choose your dp.

Reset your boundaries with your mother, let her cut you off if you displease her, stop placating her. She will come round because you are what she has left.

Treasure your dp. She needs to come first, not second fiddle all the time to your dysfunctional relationship with your mother.

So what are you going to do OP?

You get dp on board and then you call your mother up and say, “I’ve spoken to dp and she’s never been to Greece and can’t wait to come too. Can I have all the booking details to add her on?”

If she says anything other than “of course, here they are” you say,

“I know to date we haven’t discussed my relationship with dp, but you pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t make it true. I’ve had enough of this nonsense. I would never have invited you somewhere and excluded dad. Until you actually want me in your life - and I mean me, not some made up fantasy version of me - I don’t want to hear from you.”

Stand by the person who has stood by you.

Don’t do this to your lovely DP

Your mum is manipulating and controlling you- it isn’t a healthy relationship.

Put your foot down on the holiday- no mum I can’t come, it’s a generous gift but you gave me no say in it and I want to spend my holiday with my DP.
Pull back the visits to monthly and start mentioning your DP when you visit. If mum is rude and insists she isn’t mentioned then stop visiting.

You do not owe your mum your presence in her life if she doesn’t actually love and accept you for who you are.

Your mum has everything her way.

Please don’t make your partner feel so second place when she has clearly been very patient and tolerant and loves you.

She said it herself that she has no one else since your dad died... don't ever prioritise her over your partner. The woman (I can't even refer to her as your mum) is lucky you even speak to her - personally I'd be NC

If you go on the holiday, you deserve to lose your partner. She deserves someone to make her a priority in their life. You're lucky she's put up with it this far; I know I wouldn't have.
You're behaving appallingly.

Look into FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. You are engulfed by it.

Please, stand by your girlfriend and tell this toxic, selfish, manipulative bitch where to go

OP, are you listening? There are two women in your life. One of them loves you. The other one hates who you are and makes you pretend to be someone else.

You need to start being your own woman. I’m sure your gf has been supportive but she can not control your lack of boundaries with your mother, with threats.

You are very scared of your mother. Can you imagine saying no to her? Imagine only visiting her with your gf present?

Some very sage advice on here that you should be taking.

Your mother’s role is to love and support you unconditionally. She doesn’t deserve your love. Your partner does. Don’t worry a tiny bit about upsetting her because she’s never cared about upsetting you.

My husband cut all ties with his toxic mother when he was in his early 20s because she did nothing but make his life a living hell. He doesn’t need her, just like you don’t need yours.

I heard this phrase on mumsnet but it is very apt - you are stuck in FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Try to take a third perspective on it, imagine you were advising a friend. This relationship is very unhealthy. Your mother is acting purely out of self interest and it doesn't sound like this holiday would be much fun for you anyway. Fuckyouchris has it.

It’s hard to tell from your limited responses to people’s advice, OP, but I get the impression this thread isn’t giving you what you wanted. You expected us all to say your DP is in the wrong, didn’t you?

Go on your trip with your mother.

Let your DP find someone who truly loves her and puts her first.

Choose your partner.

who Books a holiday for someone without checking with that person? What if your passport had expired, or you couldn’t take time off work?

Also, who gives their partner an ultimatum like that about their mother?

Neither of them are being kind to you. So I say, do what you want to do instead of trying to please them both.

Spiderbanana you are absolutely spot on!
Op she wants her version of you.
Not you.

Also, who gives their partner an ultimatum like that about their mother?

Someone who has encouraged and supported their partner to have a relationship with their mother despite being told they don’t exist and their relationship is invalid, but who has reached their tipping point and has enough of being ghosted.

Tuvalumajuro - of course you should not go on that holiday. Even though she is your mother, I do not comprehend you not understanding that you are indeed putting your awful, selfish mother first. If you want to end up single, lonely and the sole carer for the selfish old woman, who is using you because nobody else likes her enough to have a holiday with her, then go ahead. If not, then explain to her that whilst you love her because she is your mother, you can no longer tolerate her conditional love and you will not be spending two weeks in Greece with her.