Social services

[Bearsinmotion]

Our house is a mess. Not a normal mess, it is a result of DP’s mental health and hoarding. I finally cracked and asked a health visitor to come round. She has referred us to social services. Please can someone tell me it will all be ok

Yes it was the OP who introduced the idea of separation. Ultimately if SS deem his hoarding to be a risk to the children, and he refuses to seek help, or if intervention doesn't work, then bears may have to chose between losing her partner or her children. Her first priority has to be the children.

It is a shit situation for all. Hoarding is an incredibly difficult MH condition to treat. There is a realistic possibility that it will never improve. Living with a hoarder will also have a major impact on the long term MH of Bears and her children. Imagine growing up in a home where your feelings and your safety come second to a bunch of random objects? How would a child process that?

I don't think that you can compare it to heart disease or cancer, because from a child's pov there is a very easy solution. Just put stuff in the bin. Explaining why that can't happen is a real challenge, because to non hoarders it just doesn't make any sense.

Bears is grappling with an impossible situation. All solutions create other problems. Hopefully getting outside help will be a constructive first step.

@imip
Thank you for the explanation, I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and frustrating at the lack of support from Camhs

You’ve hit the nail on the head there Belle.

Yep, but doing nothing is not an option either as I think you know. The best thing you can do is take things into your own hands, which you have already started to do.
You can't control what your DP does, but you can decide what your own boundaries are. Even if SS say there is no immediate threat to your kids that is not the same as your living conditions being ok. Where are your boundaries? What space in your house do you need to reclaim first? What happens if DP won't let that happen?

It sucks feeling powerless. The cool thing is though, that reclaiming power snowballs. Once you get a bit back, it gets a bit easier claiming the next bit. Your DP may be unwell, but your needs matter too.

Thanks again Belle, I know exactly what you mean. I have a job interview tomorrow that would mean I am a small step closer to financial independence.

Just a little story for you.

I love Christmas. Always have. I remember viewing this house for the first time in June 2015, with baby DS. The stairs are the kind that go round the wall with a gap in the middle that goes from the ground floor to the first floor ceiling and thinking, “Wow, you could get a 12’ Christmas tree in there!

We moved in October. My family came for Christmas, and slept in our spare room. I cooked and we all ate Christmas dinner round the dining room table. I didn’t have my tree, we decided it was too extravagant, but we put fairy lights over the fireplace and sat round the log burner.

Three years on and my family can’t stay, the spare room is inaccessible. I am too ashamed to let them through the front door. The dining table is hidden under a pile of recycling, and old coats and shoes we can’t throw out clutter up the hall. We can’t use the log burner, too much paper in the room. DP gets really stressed; getting the Christmas decorations down involves interfering with The Hoard.

So, that’s my goal for next Christmas. By the end of the year the hall will be clear and safe. I will be able to put decorations up myself and pack them away myself. We will put our stockings up by the fireplace. We may not have the spare room cleared, but people will be able to visit. And I will have my tree. Maybe not a 12’ real pine. More likely a 12 cm plastic Sainsbury’s tree but I don’t care.

DP might be here. He might not. But the kids and I will, and we will
be happy and safe. And I will have my tree.

Good resolve. If the dining table is weighed down by recycling, could you jointly make a start on sorting it, setting time aside and some relevant containers? Or borrow/acquire a shredder?

That's a cracking goal. Specific, time bound, multiple options to get you there and time to do it. How would DP react if you told him how sad you are that that can't happen the way things are? Will he hear you?

@LIZS it just doesn't work like that with hoarders. If it was that easy OP would have done it by now!

It sounds like a great goal OP. Keep focused on it. You only have one life, and one childhood.

Belle is spot on with what she says. Hoarding is one of the most intractable mental health problems there is and - very sadly - nine times out of then, they will choose The Hoard over people. This is particularly true if the hoarder doesn't think they need help, which sounds like your DH. Does he think he has a problem, and if so what is his take on it.

Whatever you do, don't move stuff into a lock up, because he will fill the house over again. Only do that if he moves out with it.

Whereabouts are you? There are specialist support organisations in a few parts of the country; also, try the child of hoarders website for support.

The people suggesting wiping a bit of bleach down the door frames

Actually I did write that and know a few hoarders. What I mean is for example the kitchen needs to be clean and tidy. So moving any hoard out of there and somewhere, anywhere to get that one room ready for ss is a priority. Wiping with bleach buys a little time so it seems like the whole kitchen is effortless. Yes moving that amount of hoarding may cause a breakdown but here's the thing. A fire risk would could involve ss removing the children. OP has to do whatever to help her kids.

Op if there is hoarding and you ask for a HV they will automatically alert ss as a course of duty as would any housing association.

I offer you a handhold and Im speaking as a hoarder in recovery from it. This first link lets you assess where things are on the scale and see where you are now and take loads of photos as it is before you do anything. That means there is evidence of the starting point.

www.hoardingconnectioncc.org/Hoarding_cir.pdf

He needs to engage with this otherwise it will get just as bad again if you clear it or worse, I know from experience now, things were high risk and got cleared, no mh support to go with it, things got a hell of a lot worst but Im well on the way back with the right support. In case you wonder what Im talking about, my house was at 8/9 on those scales, now Im more around 2/3 and still working on it 2 years on.

rainbowreduk.blogspot.com/2015/07/is-clutter-affecting-your-health-or.html, this includes a link with a document for your husband to ask for help as while he may be holding onto everything in sight, the fact is he needs to see the impact on the DC even if he doesnt see it for you or indeed himself

As a social worker I came across this a few times, I was able to pressure adult mental health to help hoarder, create a checklist of tasks and visit weekly until tasks completed. (Although this is guarantee it lasted) But we weren't as pressured as SW's currently and having grown up in a very cluttered house I had little tolerance for subjecting DC to it. This is a case that could go either way depending on current resources. I hope you get the support you need OP. Good luck.

I am not wanting to derail this thread or minimise the OP's situation but is there a name for very extreme minimalism. No one is allowed anything in the house. Anything brought into the house lands in the bin.
Any advice would help

Stillme it is a form of OCD apparently
medium.com/@jemima.s/obsessive-compulsive-spartanism-when-mental-illness-hijacks-your-decluttering-efforts-1e0abadef1f8

Thanks smurfy - I would rate us as just a 3 on those, except for one reception room and the spare room.

@Cestlavielife Thank you for that information. That is exactly what Iwas looking for. I have someone in the family who has become Spartan and being a pain inflicting their views on others. Thanks for information

Just as an update: I had a call at work yesterday from a social worker to say she was outside the house and could I come home immediately

I called DP, collected my DS and we all met at home. She said her main concerns were fire hazards (which I do agree with) and we needed to stay somewhere else overnight until the fire team came round to do a full assessment, which should happen today.

Amazing... I told cahms I was concerned about the fire hazard st my home because my dd, in amongst her hoarding mix, had stolen fireworks from a party.

I was completely ignored.

Why a child wouldn’t get help for this now to stop a situation you are involved with now OP, beggars belief.

It's good to have action, isn't it?

That’s swift action!

What was dp reaction to this?

I hope your DP is able to respond to their involvement. Did you have somewhere else to stay?

Yes, they do tend to work like that, with you jumping to their schedule, and you’re just expected to drop everything to be there. Frustrating but grin and bear it x

You did the right thing and got the relationship off on the right foot, so well done.

How did your DH react? And did you find somewhere to stag? Was it all ok last night?

Be brave OP

A sad thread.

There do seem to be a lot of posters talking about the OPs dh "refusing" to seek help though, when it's quite clear from the OP's posts that he/they have tried, repeatedly, and got nowhere.