Social services

[Bearsinmotion]

Our house is a mess. Not a normal mess, it is a result of DP’s mental health and hoarding. I finally cracked and asked a health visitor to come round. She has referred us to social services. Please can someone tell me it will all be ok

If I threw it out it’s likely to cause DP a full on breakdown, lose his job etc. That’s why it isn’t as simple as me clearing up. It must be done, but need to limit damage too.

What is it he hoards? Is there any way of reorganising it to be less intrusive? Is it a h and s issue?

What would happen if you grabbed some bin bags and started today? What could he do?

Well my neighbour locked herself in the bathroom and threatened suicide when the council tried to clear her things (sopping wet rubbish) from the garden. Police had to break in and rubbish had to be left.

It's a very serious/awful mental illness and from the glimpses/awful smell I have had from next door I really can see why you are splitting up with him OP, especially with DCs as my neighbour's adult DS who lives at home is the same as his mother.

I hope social can help you.

What are the children’s bedroom like? What should be top of your list is.
Do they have clean beds to sleep in?
Do they have clean clothes?
Do you have clean work tops to prepare food?
You need to show you can do the bare basics like washing up, washing clothes, having clean work tops to prepare food, make sure you have plenty of food for children

So DP works? He's functioning to get up and go to work each day, have you explained this could result in your DC being taken into care?
Has he ever had a diagnosis or counselling?

Sometimes you have to make the decision it s better for dc to be living away from.this day to day.so yes separation is best. They can still see him and be supported to.do.so. it,s his illness but it doesn t have to be yours or dc s to live with day to day 24/7

Kids room is fine. Kitchen is cluttered but work surfaces ok. Kids clean and well fed. Dining table inaccessible, lounge ok but still has recycling in it.

DP works full time as do I. He knows he has an MH condition, has been diagnosed for years and is on medication. Had a recent referral from the GP to mental health services but they said it wasn’t severe enough to do any more . We are now investigating private psychiatric support.

I have suggested he gets his own place nearby, but there is no point doing that until our house is clean.

Hi bears, I wonder if doing it the other way round would be easier? He moves out, then you have free reign to sort the place out. Clearing with the hoarder in residence may not be possible, even with external help.

It is his home, and unless the hoarding is causing a health and safety risk or is bad enough to be seen as a concern for the well being of your children, then no authority has the power to come in and clear it without his consent. Would he consent?

Hi Belle (love the name!) I had considered this, but I think it would mean him relinquishing his hold on the hoard. Someone suggested getting a lock up somewhere for the junk, which might work.

My greatest hope for SS involvement is that they are the ones issuing the ultimatum and we must comply. When I talk about deadlines he says I am being controlling but then things drag on and on. I hope this way it will get done but DP won’t end up hating me.

I wonder if psychiatric help is more on point thySS?

Sorry Aridane? I can’t work out that typo!

Do you own or rent? Is it possible to move out with the kids, have a fresh start and let him stay with the hoard?

No, we jointly own. Can’t afford to buy him out (yet!). It’s an ideal family home, location etc.

You need to be totally honest with SS when they come, hopefully it will be when DH is at work and you can get them onside. I can see your logic in hoping they will give deadlines etc and really hope it works

Sorry, bears - fat thumbs!

I wonder if psychiatric help is more on point than Social Services ?

So you are basically hoping that SS scare the shit out of him and that he then starts to clear the mess and stops hoarding?

If that happens what then, so you stay together or separate?

Also, whilst I think getting SS in is absolutely the right thing to do I think you have to be realistic about a) what they will be able to mandate and what practical help they will be able to access for you and b) what, if any, impact this is likely to have on your DP.

I can see why the mess is your top priority in the short term, but really you need to figure out the living arrangements for you and your DP in the longer term.

My greatest hope for SS involvement is that they are the ones issuing the ultimatum and we must comply

But it doesn't really work like that. Social services can't issue ultimatums - unless the ultimatum you want is 'sort out your issues or we will put your children on child protection plans or go to court to remove them'
Of course they will do their best to support your DH to understand why the issue needs to be sorted but they can't magic up psychiatric support or give you the backbone you need to get him out.

I don’t know how it works Borsetshireblew, that’s why I started the thread...

Ok. But you seem to have run out of options. No social worker can threaten your DH into not being a hoarder. So he either gets help and stops hoarding (how likely is that?) or you leave him/he leaves. What is stopping you?

I wouldn't have used ss like that. Its essentially putting your children at risk of being taken into care if it backfires and your dh doesn't comply/clear quick enough. Can the kids stay with relatives as a back up plan?

Tidying and cleaning is going to cause him a breakdown, you say.

Can you designate the dining room as his hoarder's paradise for now and clean from the front door to the kitchen and make sure the stairs are clean of clutter in the interim? (Any clutter on access routes would be deemed to be a fire risk).

If I were you you could call the fire brigade instead for them to come out and give your dh a chat because I have found they are a very friendly bunch and a lot are volunteers so if it's an assessment for fire risk then that would be a valid reason to come out and visit.

All districts operate differently but I would ring them and see what they say. It's worth a try. Also, your dh might relate better if it's a bunch of burly guys he's got to answer to.

I just came on to say I really wish you the best of luck. Mental health issues involving hoarding is a living nightmare and it's not just as simple as having a good clear up.
I hope ss can help you negotiate your way out of this.

It sounds like you are struggling to see the wood for the trees a bit, and when you live with a hoarder that is not surprising. Getting the mess sorted will only be a temporary respite.

What is your ideal outcome here? Is it your husband gets help, addresses his problems and you continue to live together as a family? Or are you done? Is your goal to have your husband move out and live separately? If it is the latter, then instead of spending precious £££ on clearing, you need to see a lawyer and get a divorce underway. They will be able to advise on how to proceed. If he is creating conditions that make it unsafe for your children then this may be important in deciding what happens from a legal perspective.
You need a plan to get you to where you want to be. If you decide to go the divorce route the legal board can be very helpful.