Social services

[Bearsinmotion]

Our house is a mess. Not a normal mess, it is a result of DP’s mental health and hoarding. I finally cracked and asked a health visitor to come round. She has referred us to social services. Please can someone tell me it will all be ok

I dont think it will be a one off that wasnt what they suggested to me it was early help who stay involved until you no longer need there involvement. The mess can be the problem if its effecting the children which is what social services are interested in.

I didn’t call the health visitor because I don’t want to do the housework, I called because I am was deeply concerned about the children and DP’s mental health.

I would be more than happy to clean as everyone suggests, but DP won’t allow it. This is one part of a huge process I am trying to navigate through to get the DC safe without losing everything.

Apologies if anyone thinks this is a drip feed, but I am trying to juggle many, many things to sort the house, this is just one step. It’s not the kitchen/ bathroom/ kids room I want help with, it’s the whole house and what to do with the kids etc while I do it.

You have done the right thing in asking for help.

Does your husband know and will he engage?

Does DH admit he has a problem? Will he start any form of counselling or therapy? That's pretty key to the success otherwise his MH issues will continually sabotage any attempt you make to clean up.

I am a social worker and have been involved with many families with homes like yours. In the early days we used to be able to get cleaners in to help but there is no money for that these days. Why I would do if it wasn't too bad would be to ask you if you have you have family or friends who could care for the DC for a few days then give you deadlines to get things done by. We would ask you to do it your self with help from friends and family. Of it was very bad and we felt the DC were very much at risk they could be removed into care for a short period. Please don't be alarmed by that if it happens. It is to keep them safe and allow the home to be cleaned. They would be returned very quickly especially if you agree to it and it can be done on a voluntary basis.

I am giving you a worst case scenario here as I don't know how bad your house is. If I were you I would cooperate fully with SS and if you can start thinking now about how you will tackle things it would be helpful. If your DO can't help he may be able to take the DC to his parents for a while? Don't be ashamed to ask for help form friends and family. I hope it all goes well for you.

Apollo I was literally offered early help about a month ago by social services for them to help with cleaning the house as SW felt my house was messy.

The answer seems to be parting from your dp so that you and your children can live in habitable circumstances.
If your dp won't let you clean the house, he won't let anyone else either! So either you go ahead with clearing it out perhaps hiring industrial cleaners and a skip for a couple days, or you'll continue to live in a festering mess or you need to make him move out.
I do hope ss can give you good advice it must be v hard for you.
Good luck

I suspect you need to separate from your DP in that case while (if) he addresses his mental health

Yep. I thought about calling him exDP but that might have been more complicated, but we are separating. He has been to his GP, who referred him to the mental health team. They sent us to Relate. Relate don’t want to help us until his MH issues are addressed...

What would happen if you grabbed some bin bags and started today? What could he do?

Candtcreeper. That is fantastic. Possibly some LA have the funds to help. I can only go by the areas I have worked in.

Sounds like you have alot going on and it must be really hard to figure out what order to tackle things.
So what is your current set up. Are you renting or do you own? What are your plans for after the separation? Are you and the kids staying put? I am asking as it might only be possible to get to grips with the mess once you and DP are not living together. What would happen if you started binning stuff today?

You might need to focus on changing your living arrangements instead of tacking the mess. Well done for getting started, it can't be easy.

So he just needs to be gone then you can sort out the mess. Ask the social worker to support you with separating

Apollo I am in a london borough. the sw insisted on eary help despite me declining so they definitelt have the funds. I told her friends and family could help but she was adamant on it. I had to speak to her manager who was happy for me to decline. So will depend on area.

Hope you get it sorted op.

Gosh candy creeper it must have been in a terrible state.

I wouldnt say so no, its messy like ive said 4 kids LP not much help 2 with disabilities. house work had got on top of me as im exhausted but it isnt a tip, just messy. It obviously wasnt in that much of a state as the case was closed, otherwise im sure they would hve been removed whilst I cleaned it.

And I do clean but with 4 under 8 as soon as I turn my back its a mess again.

As the daughter of a hoarder thank you
When they are little, they don’t notice. But growing up it’s hard, no where to do school stuff, you can’t invite friends back. The constant ball of anxiety and rage the house fills you with. You can’t keep anything nice or find it again (including school stuff)
It also leaves its mark psychologically, I don’t know what normal is in cleaning a house, I hide when people knock at the door (like I learnt, people aren’t allowed in). It leaves its mark in so many ways.
Well done for asking for help

@candy
I had 3 under 6 and it is hard, I involved them in tidying and cleaning from an early age; they're less likely to make a mess when they know they have to clean it, reward charts are great; even if the reward is just a bar of chocolate it doesn't need to be anything lavish.
I'm a fan of lists with tasks for every day, definitely makes life easier.

Bookworm4 reward charts are a good idea I didnt think of that. I must admit I just do it all and dont ask them to help, but I do need to get them to help out. I just found it quicker doing it on my own, but then they think they can make as much mess as they like and mum will just clean it! So I will be involving them more. Its alot better now as I threw away alot of stuff that I didnt use/need.

@candy
I love a clear out, we use the 6 month rule, if it's not been used in last 6 mths it's off to dump or charity shop.

Can you and dc move out?
Whose house is It?
Or can do move then you can hire a skip and a company to clear it all?

Then it's down to dp to get help for his mh

It s good to ask for help . If you need to sort child contact etc then a 're odd of so issues may be helpful if you need to limit the visits

A record of dp issues

Can you grab a roll of bin bags and do it yourself? For you and your kids? It's not great for them being brought up in a tip