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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Social services

166 replies

Bearsinmotion · 14/03/2019 19:27

Our house is a mess. Not a normal mess, it is a result of DP’s mental health and hoarding. I finally cracked and asked a health visitor to come round. She has referred us to social services. Please can someone tell me it will all be ok Sad

OP posts:
wherethewildthingis · 17/03/2019 07:10

The people suggesting wiping a bit of bleach down the door frames, or grabbing a roll of binbags, have clearly never seen hoarding or neglectful home conditions in real life!!

ChariotsofFish · 17/03/2019 07:19

I think you need to ask him to leave. Ridiculously, if that causes his mental health issues to escalate then he will then be able to get help. Hire a storage unit and move the stuff there.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/03/2019 07:19

Good luck OP, it's such an intractable problem. I hope you get the support you need.

Mummabear12345567889 · 17/03/2019 07:19

Do you have a support network OP? I have worked cases like yours and am currently working one at the minute.

I would be checking in with school and nursery to see how the kids are getting on. Speaking with your partner and seeing if there are any other services to meet his needs. I'd be trying to come up with a plan on what you tackle first and suggesting you do this whilst your kids are out at school or nursery. You say you work full time, could you take a weeks leave to really get the home in order? I know it's not ideal for you but if SW are involved for home conditions it's something that needs acting on.

With a family I work with we agree what needs to be done and I go round and pick many of the bin bags up once a week and take them to the tip. Obviously I don't have to do this but you may get a sw who can help like this. They may refer to family support who would do something similar.

I think it's important to remember that sw don't look for perfection. They look for reasonable or "good enough". What's important is that you start making changes.

Bearsinmotion · 17/03/2019 07:27

FFS I did not “involve SS”. I was concerned about the state of the house and the DC and asked the health visitor to come round. She referred us to SS. I don’t know what SS can / can’t do and PP’s have been really helpful in explaining the process.

I just came on to say I really wish you the best of luck. Mental health issues involving hoarding is a living nightmare and it's not just as simple as having a good clear up. I hope ss can help you negotiate your way out of this.

Absolutely this. As I have said, this is part of a much bigger process I am training to navigate through. I am trying to keep the kids safe, stop DP having a breakdown (which would result in us losing the family home), not get into a pile of debt and keep myself sane. SS are involved now, I didn’t choose that but now it is happening I am trying to figure out the best way forward for us all and how SS can help us get there.

OP posts:
imip · 17/03/2019 07:30

Op, I have a dd that sounds similar to your dh. She is 10 and has ASD. Our lives are significantly impacted by her hoarding and cahms really don’t give a shit. To move her stiff would cause her significant anxiety to the point of violence or self harm. We are slowly in the process of moving some ‘stuff’ into bin gags and into the loft. If I’m honest, not all of it is making it to the loft. Bags live in bathroom first for a short while before moving to loft to ease the separation. Would loft/shed/ trying to confine hoarding to a particular area help? This has such an impact on my mental health and I feel so embarrassed by it.

imip · 17/03/2019 07:32

Just to say they have suspected OCD also. Her hoarding characteristics started at 2.

OrangeJuiceandArmchairs · 17/03/2019 07:33

What a nightmare OP. I've been in hoarders homes professionally and it's often quite frightening.

It's not just a bit of Kim and Aggie type stuff. Peoples attachment to it cannot be underestimated.

Can you say what he's hoarding? Also does he have family?

Bearsinmotion · 17/03/2019 07:40

The hoarder is recycling and some stuff from our old house He thinks is contaminated.

OP posts:
Bearsinmotion · 17/03/2019 07:41

He does have family but some distance away and all have young DC of their own.

OP posts:
feelingsinister · 17/03/2019 07:44

@Bearsinmotion Well done in asking for help as this is definitely something you can't do alone.

You said earlier that there's no point him finding somewhere else to live until the house is sorted but actually I think there is.

Once he's in a new place, you then have free reign over what's in the family home and it will be much easier to clear but I do think this needs to be done in a way that is manageable and not too distressing for your husband.

I hope social cars are helpful and can provide some good practical support for you.

feelingsinister · 17/03/2019 07:44

Sorry, partner not husband.

OrangeJuiceandArmchairs · 17/03/2019 07:46

What does he say to your idea about a lock up? To move the contaminated stuff out of the home then work on it from there?

I just wondered about family as to whether he'd grown up around people who also hoarded?

Bearsinmotion · 17/03/2019 07:54

I am coming round to the idea of one of us moving out, temporarily at least. But we would still need to agree deadlines or it would go on forever.

Orangejuice, I am sure you will not be surprised to learn there is family history!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 17/03/2019 07:56

I find it a bit disconcerting that some people on here are advising OP to leave her DH because he has a mental health illness. Yes, it's affecting the family, but would you advise the same if he were to have terminal cancer, or heart failure, or diabetes?
OP, SS will most likely refer you to Early Help (it may be called something different in your area, where I live it's called Team Oasis), and their task will be to support the family to make positive changes. We have some families where hoarding is an issue, and they will support with chasing up mental health appointments, council rubbish removal services, even relationship breakdowns. What they will not do, is to do it all for you. Their aim is to empower families to help themselves out of a situation they find themselves to be in.
You need to be as honest with them as possible in order to access all the support your family can get.

Bearsinmotion · 17/03/2019 08:03

Thanks Soon, you are spot on with your first sentence. DP is a good man, but he is also ill. He desperately wants to do the best for his DC but IMO is too ill to see the impact this is having on them and is convinced he can sort it out himself, but he just can’t.

OP posts:
llangennith · 17/03/2019 08:28

You've done the right thing asking for help. You have to prioritise your DC over your DH and they shouldn't have to live in the conditions you describe.
I think the only realistic outcome is you taking the children to live somewhere else while your DH deals with his mental health hoarding problem. Put your children first.

BorsetshireBlew · 17/03/2019 08:39

@soontobe60 if the children were experiencing harm from the illness then yes, absolutely

Bookworm4 · 17/03/2019 08:50

@imip
Can I ask how your DC hoards, I understand many adults who have funds buy and accumulate but I have never heard of a child hoarding.

imip · 17/03/2019 09:05

Sure @bookworm4. She keeps everything the comes into contact with. Wrapping of toys, take away coffee cups, napkins, straws. Anything she comes into contact with. No one can touch these thinks. These aren’t categorised or organised, they are just dumped in certain areas (littered around the house). Touching them would trigger a meltdown. She is obsessive about her ‘stuff’. I’d suggest that perhaps hoarding in adults isn’t limited to what you can buy, just what you can acquire. It’s tough to stop her picking stuff up off the streets to keep. Say broken hair clips etc.

Her room is very bad and everything is just dropped to the ground. We moved her into the box room from sharing as under her bed was full, the entire room is littered with ‘stuff’ up to the level of her bed.

At certain times we are able to come in her room, we may not be allowed to touch her bed or sheets. If things are moved the wrong way, she may compeletely abandon her room and sleep on the hallway floor, without covering or pullows for nothings on end. Cahms are no help here, just no help at all. We work very slowly and have reduced a knee deep pile to an ankle deep pile. So imagine cess pit of lol doll wrappings, Sainsbury’s Lego card, toys, pens, clothes, pencils. This is stuff she is attached to. As an autistic child, she usually doesn’t ‘play’ with her toys, just hoards.

I am very fearful of how this progresses into adulthood.

imip · 17/03/2019 09:08

Sorry, meant to say she will sleep on the floor for months on end in the hallway. Longest period 3 months. We used to fight it, but now realise that does nothing for her anxiety. I find it very sad to see her like that. She has currently been in her bed now since sept, which is great.

feelingsinister · 17/03/2019 09:08

The reason I mentioned him moving out is because the OP had said they were separating.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/03/2019 09:32

I find it a bit disconcerting that some people on here are advising OP to leave her DH because he has a mental health illness. Yes, it's affecting the family, but would you advise the same if he were to have terminal cancer, or heart failure, or diabetes?

If he's refusing to get treatment then absolutely. Priority is the children, no question. Having his wife enabling his hoarding is not the best thing for him in the long run.

ChariotsofFish · 17/03/2019 09:34

Yes, she had actually said they’re separating so it’s not some attack on people with MH issues to suggest he moves out. Separated couples living together isn’t generally a recipe for happiness.

Hollowvictory · 17/03/2019 09:35

Ultimately if the kids come to harm because they are in a hoarding environment then they could end up in care or worse (fire hazards) so it's not really the same as cancer is it? That's disingenuous.but ultimately the dp may have to reach crisis point before they will get help.

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