Husband ended marriage after 14 years but insists there's no one else...

[guccigal]

hi everyone
I have come to this board seeking answers like many...

Last month my husband (42) told me crying that our marriage was broken and didn't think he could go on. I know he has been unhappy and withdrawn for a while (and slightly depressed in a high stress job) and I have also not been happy. we have been emotionally and sexually distant for 18 months I would say. However not being happy is not the same as wanting a separation and to move out. We argued over things (my controlling nature apparently) but nothing toxic. We have 2 children 10 and 12. We have a gorgeous house and kids in private school and are lucky financially. He stayed at home for a week then moved in with his parents and he has rented a house 300m away we found that would suit the children. we agreed to have them 60/40 and no issues over this.

However, it all seems so sudden to me..I have asked so many times if there is anyone else, even to the extent of me asking his secretary (who is single)is she was involved as she's the only non coupled female he knows. She denied it and said we need to work it out. The thing is I have checked all records of flights, bank statements, phone records and come up blank..surely if it was there I would see it? He keeps his phone close for work but doesn't actively hide it or take it to the bathroom or anything. He says I'm paranoid and ruining our amicable relationship by asking all these questions when he has denied all. Please let me know..will another women appear? its been month a no one yet and I have driven past his house at night and nothing...I said to him that men don't leave marriages for no reason, women usually leave becuase they cant stand the marriage or some behaviour and his reply was that why can't men leave for that exact reason? My intuition is saying something is not right but my brain and the logical part of me cant find any evidence..help!! is he gaslighting me or am I paranoid?

But he hasn't left for no reason. He has left because he was unhappy and that's a good enough reason. I cannot see how you could possibly think this is sudden.
I know it's sometimes difficult to believe on mumsnet but there's not always another woman. I can't believe you accused his secretary.

Nobody can really answer this question for you can they? We don't know your husband. Anyone saying ' oh he's DEFINITELY got another woman!' is merely guessing

The facts are the facts for now. He expressed unhappiness and he's left. This is very tough. Searching for a good enough for you reason in the absence of one right now, probably won't help you feel better. Time will tell if he has been seeing someone else

From why you write though - just seems that for him the relationship had run its course and he'd been unhappy for a while

And to accuse his secretary, if you did that, is really wrong of you

So sorry you are going through this, but just look at it from his perspective.

He doesn't need your permission to leave. If he's genuinely unhappy in the relationship, that's reason enough in itself.

Did he give you any examples of what he referred to 'your controlling behaviour'?

yes..calling his secretary was not my finest hour but desperate for a real answer. people around us are shocked and even our kids. My beef with him is that he never told me all of this 18 months ago or wanted to get counselling for us to make it work. He said it wouldn't make a difference as he had fallen out of love with me but respects me as the mother of his kids and will look after us financially. My parents are pressuring me to see a lawyer and start protecting assets but he has said he would never screw me over (I'm an accountant) as it would be screwing over his kids too who live with me more often...I think Hess great dad but a really shit husband and communicator. In a way I want there to be someone else so I can move on..

Gosh did you really accuse his secretary?

Some people do leave if they are deeply unhappy. There is not always someone else. I'm sorry,

what kills me is that I don't have my kids 2 nights a week because of what I see as a somewhat frivolous excuse to leave a marriage. my boys are devastated they have to leave their home to go there even though they love him. it kills me not having them here. He said my behaviour had been controlling in that I made all the decisions about renovating, kids, and who we went out with..

You've minimised the controlling part quite a lot. You might not think it toxic but he may have. It doesn't sound like you've listened an awful lot.

It's over. Stop looking for answers and stalking his house and ringing his work. He's right, you're going to ruin an amicable relationship. For your kids sake work to maintain it.

Take your parents advice. Focus on you, your financial freedom and your future.

There may very well be another woman involved (perhaps one who doesn't even know she is involved - a crush, an ex on his mind, etc) but it doesn't matter does it?

Focus on yourself. You need to heal and let go.

He can leave for no reason or any reason at all. And he doesn't owe you a reason. It's not fair and it doesn't feel good but thems the breaks. you dont really have a right to call his reasons frivolous do you? Also... meaning this gently... hes called you controlling and you seem not to like that, but you've also dismissed his feelings as frivolous AND rang his secretary to accuse her. You're not coming across well are you?

A blunt question - how was your sex life?

sex life was ok but no real intimacy..going through the motions. Not like it was at the start, we have been together in total nearly 20 years. sometimes life just gets in the way when everyone is busy...we all still had fun and took family holidays..

Also, am not sure someone would risk their whole relationship (well maybe if there was no children) for a crush? to see them cry when you tell them that their parents are splitting up..trust me no one would voluntarily go through that...

To be fair he has given you reasons although did he ever discuss or push back on your decisions? That would have been healthier for the marriage

I think your mindset to call his secretary suggests you do overstep boundaries. Has it ever been an issue before or have you been called controlling by others?

I think there is no harm in trying to reach a financial agreement now and getting it documented. Does he want an immediate divorce? Ask him to outline the finances or you propose a fair settlement then take it to solicitors to get it documented.

Can you access counselling? A break up is awful, shock, grief and sadness so having someone to talk to is good. It really does get better but it will take a while, months rather than weeks.

What I mean is that a crush can be enough for some one to realise that they could be treated better by someone, could be more compatible with another, etc.

It's not really for you to judge whether it's a good enough reason for him to leave really. You're angry with him and want his leaving to be a bad thing, youd say the same of any reason he or we suggested.

Hes left and what you think of why doesn't have much bearing on anything. Hard as that is.

Can you make a solicitor appt today? You do need to take your focus off him and onto yourself... take action.

im not a wind up merchant, its just that most threads on here talk about the Script and that eventually an affair and another woman comes out of the woodwork..thats all I'm wondering about. I came here for advice and no I haven't spoken to a counsellor but I have friends and family who all believe there must be someone else even if he's a nice guy!!

Okay, he says you’re controlling and you’re making it very clear he has a point. Stop stalking him!! It’s over OP. It’s horrible and it’s hard but he had to do what he had to do.

He has told you the reason.

You have snooped through he things and private items, even questioned his secretary. That's all controlling.

And its turned up nothing. You know he has a reason. Not being happy is a good enough reason.

Contrary to what some people mn think, men DO leave because they are unhappy without there being anyone else. Sometimes there is a OW. But often there isn't.

You have known you have both been unhappy. Yet haven't done anything to fix it, then act all shocked.

It sounds like you thought it didn't matter if he wasnt happy, that he wouldn't leave you any way so it didn't matter. He has done the right thing. He is unhappy and so leaving in the right way.

You may not have the kids 2 nights a week. He doesnt have them 5.

thanks for your input and advice everyone..will keep you updated..hope I can stay strong for my kids!

OUR KIDS - you need to work through this for the kids you both have.

Take a deep breath and consider that he may have a point and that the two of you are no longer compatible.

Stop fighting it, stop catastrophising it, stop shifting it onto your kids.

Start making sure that you do get a fair settlement.

Start working with it so your sons get over the shock properly.

I think you are all being really harsh. Being together 20 years of course there are going to be ups and downs. Also it is a shock if he never articulated that he was deeply unhappy with their relationship and op's behavior until it was the goodbye conversation. No chance for her to get used to the idea of address the issues. I think this is deeply unfair
Obviously you shouldn't have called the secretary but desperate people do desperate things and it is v unusual for someone to leave a long relationship without making any efforts to fix it when kids are involved without someone waiting in the wings
I really feel for you, must be a terrible shock

I've left relationships because I'm not happy. Why stay and be miserable. Don't know why people think there is definitely someone else. There wasn't for me, I was just sick of being miserable.

I think it's coming across quite clearly in your posts why your husband thinks you are controlling.

I left a relationship because it was controlling, which suffocated me and destroyed my self esteem, the only way out was to leave (it was abusive). No one else involved although my ex tried to point the finger at basically every man I ever even looked at.

Can you give more examples of how your husband might think you are controlling other than accusing his secretary of an affair as she is the only single female he knows?

even to the extent of me asking his secretary
The thing is I have checked all records of flights, bank statements, phone records
I have driven past his house at night and nothing

He said he left over controlling paranoid behaviour.... he may have a point

I'm sorry but I am going to be blunt.
From the limited information we have, your ex has been unhappy for some time and has fallen out of love with you. It sounds like he made his decision and has stuck with it rather than dicking you about like so many people seem to. You have both managed to be amicable about the children and it sounds like he is stepping up there and sorting himself out...honestly how dare you confront his secretary! He has said that you can be controlling, yes from what you have said I can totally see that! You are minimising his reasons for leaving when it sounds like he has left in an honest and decent fashion.

It must be incredibly painful and it seems you are having a hard time accepting that the problem was with the relationship rather than another woman. I get that but perhaps you have buried your head in the sand and it has helped lead to this point.

As for getting your assets in order, yes you must. Even though it has been amicable so far that is not the sign for the future. Protect yourself and your finances.